STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

[Thornbirdsong]

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

Thank you. I’ll look out for it.

@thornbirdsong you have just pinpointed perfectly. It’s just words he is saying but his actions don’t really tally at all. Talk is cheap.

Op
It will hurt for a long time but eventually one day you will wake up and think 'what a wanker, why did I care what he thought.'
He really isn't worth it.
Don't dwell on him or his feelings.
He has done what he has done. Whether he is in love with the ow or is irrelevant.
If he lives her then your marriage is over, if he doesn't then do you really want to be with someone who could hurt you like that for nothing?
Either way begin to protect yourself.
Try and do things which being pleasure to you, simple things like a walk in the woods or a coffee with friends. Keep it brief so that the temptation to talk about your ex is reduced. If they mention him then tell them you would prefer it if they did not speak about him to you. Then move the conversation on by asking your friends a question about themselves.

I remember feeling so shit that I couldn't imagine ever getting over it. Took a couple of years to get back to myself, I'd say. Discovered earlier this year that his OW had chucked him (for OM no. 4, it is her modus operandi), and I simply wasn't that bothered about it any more, four years on. Saw him yesterday as I will be catsitting for him, and we just chatted nicely about the kids, friendly, smiles. I can relate to him again as someone I've known a long time and get on well with. The divorce being over has helped. Counselling helps greatly. But generally it just gradually improves.

One thing you might do is look for some activities with other people of "divorce" age. Quite a few people in their 40s, say, start going out again when the kids grow up, to book clubs etc., with quite a few divorcees. Not to talk about divorce, especially, more to see other people coping with it, talking about dating, normalising it. And to have some more friends who don't know you as part of that couple.

@hanbam - yep. But I still don’t get why he would say anything in that case. What purpose does it serve?

@Belindabauer - thanks. I really long for the day when I don’t care. I do think he’s a piece of shit for what he’s done. Yet I’m consumed by my anger and hatred for what he’s done. Unfortunately the things I enjoy doing to distract myself are not good. A few drinks. Eating (binging). Watching tv. They are all lazy are not good for my health and get me nowhere.

@ravenmum. I’ve been so down I’ve thought the only way to get rid of the pain was to die. It actually physically hurt so bad. I never seriously contemplated suicide but I can see how people do. I know I sound dramatic but I just wanted the pain to end. To be clear. I never would have done anything to harm myself. I just understood mental health much more then. I so want to be where you are. But actually I don’t know if I could be friends with him in any way shape or form. He broke my children’s family and stole their childhood. They shouldn’t have to worry like they currently do.

Thank you all so much for your replies. All your stories help.

@Thornbirdsong - I'm not going to be friends with him, as he was a real shit to me and the kids, and has never apologised. But we were together 20 years with 2 kids so obviously got on well together, and after all this time I can admit that to myself again! For a while I was obsessed with death and working out how to end it. The doctor helped with that - anti-depressants - being on them didn't just dull the pain but also helped me work through some of my thoughts better, as I wasn't catastrophising etc.

I just looked that word up 🙈 And it’s totally me.

I just can’t ever imagine being anything other than angry with him.

A year really isn't long. People madly underestimate how much time you'll need. Give it another couple and you'll be amazed at the difference.

After a bit more than a year I tried the "get over one man by getting under the next" method - first guy was a bit of a ladies' man, and I was not ready for an actual relationship (to be fair I made that clear) but mmmm, lovely eyes, cheeky enough to cheer me up and gave me something else to think about :)

I’m in bits again. Just spoken to him about his relationship with the OW (well, girl really) and he doesn’t seem to give a shit that he’s putting her before his children. He answers I don’t know to everything. And feels sorry for himself. And says he doesn’t know what he’s doing. How could he treat us like this?

He can treat you like that because he is an utter tosser. Plain and simple.
There are a LOT of them out there.

The last time I had my heartbroken, it was after a less established relationship but. Still lol felt it keenly. The first year was the hardest as I kept thinking, this time last year we were on holiday or we went here or there.

I felt like I made little progress that year, but then once I was passed the year point, I started to make rapid progress. I think it was because at this point, I was now looking back and comparing myself to the wreck that I had been and realised things were much better. I also made a very determined effort over the whole of the year, to keep myself busy, build a social life etc.

You will get there.

Thank you for the replies. I realise I am absolutely pathetic and need to move on. I just can’t. I really appreciate every one of your messages. They really do help. I am struggling to sleep and so very upset again.

He broke my children’s family and stole their childhood. They shouldn’t have to worry like they currently do

He may have left the family home but he hasn't stolen their childhood. They are children, they shouldn't be worrying about things so maybe the adults are putting too much on them or not hiding things from them.

@TheBigBangRocks

Is that a correct quote from me? I thought I'd said HAPPY CAREFREE childhood. If not then thats what I meant to say.

Yes they are worried as they no longer feel as secure as they did, when they had 2 parents living in the same house. Suddenly having a parent up and leave is very unsettling, no matter how hard you try for it not to be. And staying over randomly in his new flat is disconcerting when they have never stayed away from home before.

I was a child from divorced parents, so I do know exactly how they feel. I was the same age (they are very close together in age) and it still affects me now.

I was heartbroken for my children too. My ex was from divorced parents and he swore he'd never do that to our children but that's exactly what he did. Despite me hurting like I never thought i could, the day after I found out about his affair and asked him to leave, he came round and we told the kids together that Daddy was going to be living somewhere else and that we just weren't making each other happy any more. That killed the most because none of it was my faulty but I didn't want to hurt the kids any more by telling them why Daddy was really leaving. We have managed to be as 'amicable' as we can be . They have never heard us argue or say a bad word about each other. All my crying has been done when they have been with him or when I'm with my friends.
This isn't what you or I would have chosen for our children but it's happened and we have to be the ones to make sure they are affected as little as possible and do our hurting out of their sight. I don't think children have to be scarred by divorce if the adults are responsible enough to ensure it has as little impact on them as possible.

I am generally much better than I was 6 months ago but I don't handle rejection well (not ideal when OLD) and this time of year is painful for me as it would be our wedding anniversary as well as the anniversary of when we split a year ago, not to mention my first Christmas without him (physically, at least as he wasn't really 'there' last year). I had a cry in the car this morning on my way to work and sometimes is does still come from no-where and knock me for six but I am stronger than what he did to me and I am worth more than the value he placed on me. So are you x

Thank you. @Sunshineandflipflops you are doing so much better than me. I really don't feel worth much anymore.

The children are getting support in school via a counsellor so I am doing all I can to support them. Unfortunately its impossible to come out unscathed, I believe. The statistics of children of divorced parents speak for themselves sadly. And surely one home is better than 2? I remember it being traumatic having to leave my mum for the weekend to go to my dads. I felt upset, guilty, scared etc. I will never forget it.

That said of course they are better off if there is abuse etc in a relationship. But that wasn't the case for us.

I realise I am absolutely pathetic and need to move on
Well you are wrong.
None of this makes you pathetic.
It's a horrendous time and everyone is different in their reactions.
With him telling you he still loves you and doesn't know what he's doing, he's just doing more damage and it's not allowing you to heal at all.
He needs to stop this.
And you need to make sure he does stop all of this.
I was an utter mess for a good year after my marriage split due to cheating.
You do feel worthless. And it takes a lot of time to build yourself up again.
I have no good advice.
I'm still not totally over my more recent ExP.
And I'm 2 years down the line and no kids and he was a total and utter fucking shit!!!

Be kind to yourself.
Keep leaning on friends and family.
One day you'll turn that corner and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But no-one can predict when that might be.
And with him still behaving like a dick, it will just prolong it.
(((((HUGS))))) OP.

You are most definitely not pathetic and as I said, I am not 'over' it and the likelihood is I probably never will be, but I will not let it define my future.
Children may not be unscathed but there are lots of things that can happen to families and to children that leave a scar. It's the love and support you give them that matters now as to how they deal with the situation in the future. If they can see that despite you hurting like hell, you loved and protected them as best you could, they will remember that.

Hopefully your ex will be a decent father to them, as mine seems to be doing, despite getting the husband thing completely wrong. I've never let the children see if I'm upset they are going to their dad's for the weekend, but to be honest by that point I am ready for a break to re-charge my batteries for them. We have a routine going and for my kids, routine has always been key. That has changed over the past year but it's now becoming the 'norm' for them and as long as they know where they are and when, they are ok. I was very strict with my ex at the beginning though when he thought it was ok to change arrangements with them/me and will only do so if necessary...not because he fancies a night out with his young, child free girlfriend.

@hellsbellsmelons and @Sunshineandflipflops

Thank you lovely ladies for your kind words and advice. I have been hanging on I guess for any crumbs of affection and hearing he loves me has made me feel better, but you're right. Its pointless. As he loves/wants her more. Which kills me. I don't know how to tell him to stop.

His attention for the children has been sporadic at best. He seems afraid to have any kind of communication with any of us, shutting down/running off when anything important is said eg about the children's welfare. Or if they ask him difficult questions he literally changes the subject.

Sometimes I feel like I can cope- and other times it all feels too much and I want to scream for help. But there isn't any.

says he doesn’t know what he’s doing
This might actually mean that he doesn't know what she's doing. Don't let him treat you like the backup for if she dumps him. Sounds suspiciously to me like he's keeping you dangling for that very purpose, as he doesn't want to be alone.

And don't ask him about his relationship, just don't. Don't speak to him about anything but business.

Wow. That hadn’t actually occurred to me. I’m so stupid. 😔 How can I make sure he knows I’m no backup?

And thank you for all your help.

Feel a bit better today.

Any tips @ravenmum for appearing strong and making sure he knows I'm out?

Or anyone else with tips would be great.

I think you just don't ask him about or try and initiate any conversation about anything other than your children. If he tries, just tell him you'd rather keep communication about the children and that his love life is none of your concern any more.
My ex tried telling me in an email that he "wasn't in a good place" (he is still with 13 years younger OW) so I told him never to tell me something like that again and not to mistake me for a friend.

Ooh I like that!! He is certainly not my friend. I have finally realised that.

It is very sad as we were literally each others best friend. How things change. :-(