STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

[Thornbirdsong]

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

@RedTartanLass - thanks for the tips - I will definitely try them. I would literally do anything to feel better.

And thanks for your kind words - it really does mean a lot.

So today I told my best friend.Shock at articulating it aloud and relief to do it too.
She helped me see that I do have options to stay or go.Takes away the trapped feeling.We are the same age, nearly 60 and so have seen some of our family and friends go through this.
We have also experienced some of our peers passing away and definitely have a " Life too short" mentality. Feel more positive about my life going forward with or without him.Of course we don't have young kids to consider.
But for all you younger people, especially Greendaff. Try not to waste your life being miserable over something that somebody else has done.

@Ferfeckssake . It's tough saying it out loud. The first people I told had to guess because I couldn't say the words.

How are you doing?

Hi Thornbirdsong,
This is the first time I've ever replied to a post, but I read your story and thought that's me, that's my life too. I'm still broken 3.5yrs on. I adored my husband and I still struggle to comprehend why he would leave the life he had for the OW. There's no man who would ever make me want leave my children. He comes and goes as he pleases, he does what suits him, when it suits him and I'm left with the homework, school runs, illness, work etc. Although I still have my parents, they live far away, so EX knows that I need to rely on him for time out. I'm so sorry you're going through this trauma. I too feel like I'm still banging on about it years later, but it doesn't feel like years, it feels like months and those true friends will let you talk away as much as you need to. Unless you've been through it, it's hard to describe the pain and heartache. Apart from his affair, my marriage was happy, normal and I didn't see it coming. I'm still reeling from it now. My husband became a stranger overnight and it's something that I don't think you ever get over. I try and be positive, but I know that the person I used to be has gone. I'm so thankful for the family and friends that have been amazing and it was an eye opener to see how some friends just didn't want to stick around.
Don't apologise for how you're feeling. There is no timeline for when you should be over it. Sending you a big hug.

@cryifyoucan - I'm so sorry you've been through this too. And even more sorry you still feel the pain so keenly 3+ years on. I also don't think I'll ever get over the shock. And I feel exactly the same in regards to being completely dumped in it, while the ex just gets on with his new fantastic life.

How old are you children? Have they coped ok?

My youngest was 1yr and my eldest 3yrs when he left to live with OW. Although I am much stronger now, and you will be too, the pain is so raw. I can't ever imagine myself with someone else, because a relationship is a risk, and I don't think I could ever go through that again, so I just won't put myself in that situation! Even though the logical part of me knows that not all men are like my ex (my dad and brother are wonderful men), I'd rather be on my own than risk a relationship. I think when you've truly loved someone, it's like a bereavement and you just have to learn to live with the emotions. It's also so frustrating that the only person who can give me any sort of 'closure' is him, and of course I'm never going to get it. How can they turn from engaged, loving, caring family man, to someone who behaves in such a way you don't even recognise! It's as if I imagined who he once was. The children are doing well. I think it was a good thing that it happened when they were so young, because it's the norm for them for Daddy not to be here. They just get used to it. Although I'm hurt and angry, I am civil with him and do my ranting to friends/family/to him when the children aren't about. I can't say I've stuck to that 100%, because they have seen me argue with him, but I made a conscious decision to try and impact them as little as possible. Thankfully, he too is civil to me and respectful in front of the children for most of the time. I think that must have helped with their mental well-being, although it's been hard at times to bite my lip, because tensions run high, especially when finances/solicitors are involved and you're dealing with all of that, but having to put on a front. Sorry if I'm waffling now. I do understand how you feel and I promise it does get easier. How are things between the two of you at the moment?

Anyone else still about?

Still getting bad days. And nearly 2 years on. When will this end ?

Sorry things are still difficult for you. They say it takes half the time of your relationship ( so 12 years if you were married for 25) to truly recover and sadly l believe that's about accurate.

I'm not sure if you had counselling in the end but if not then you should try and see a Counsellor who will do the work on breaking the emotional ties. My ex is a narcissist who I still haven't been able to divorce through his time wasting trying to hide money and is still with and planning to marry his 21 years younger OW. I had hypno-psychotherapy about 6 months after we separated for 3 months and afterwards I can't explain how easy it is to just let his abusive behaviour go because he simply doesn't affect me anymore. I can sort of feel the feelings just drain away when he's being a twat and I couldn't care less about him or her other than when his behaviour affects my youngest DD. Would definitely recommend asking a Counsellor to do that bit of work with you if you haven't already done it.

@Thornbirdsong
What happens on the bad days? What thoughts and feelings do you have? x

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I feel like I can't really say much because, after my husband's lengthy affair with a much younger woman, 10 months on - we are trying to stay together.

I have been berated for staying with him when I speak about the terrible pain and struggle. I find this unpleasant and unhelpful, so have retreated from talking about it on line.

I am trying to do yoga with Adriene and generally take care of myself, which seems to help. The lows of the rollercoaster are further apart now too. It sounds like that is happening for you too, op, which is great- you still have bad days, but you sound much less extreme than you were 2 years ago.

I try to tell myself 'not now' when I start to get upset about certain things. Are you still thinking about the ow and their relationship, or have you been able to put that horribleness behind you?

How are your children?

My best times are when I can just accept what happened and accept where I am right now, without trying to change or explain it. For me, a good conversation in which I can really talk about issues, either with my h or with my best friend, usually makes me feel more peaceful and able to accept reality. Is there anyone in your life you can have this sort of conversation with, op?

I so hope that you are ok, and getting better. I admire your courage and determination. You sound like a thoughtful, caring and insightful person and mum. I hope you have a friend near you who has been through something similar and has empathy and patience.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It means a lot.

I did have counselling but it didn't help much. I think it made me worse. @redastherose I would love to be able to let it all wash over me. Far too much of my time is taken up with thoughts of him and her. Like why on earth would my lovely respectable husband want to spend his time with someone who knowingly sleeps with married men, who have small children, and sends naked photos of herself to (while we were together).

@rvby - I still cry a lot, and get angry with him. I then text him (I know that's wrong) angry messages about what he's done. And the impact it has had on the children - who still struggle with his absence and the new life we have.

Thank you @PurrBox and I'm sorry you are going through similar. The pain is unspeakable isn't it. Actually physical. I still think about ex & OW together - since they are still seeing each other (although ex has lied about this repeatedly still)

The children cry a lot about missing him. And my daughter has anger issues and other physical ways to show her pain - its just awful to try and cope with. They continue to ask me why he won't come back. I tell them that its never going to happen and we have a lovely life now etc etc but it just doesn't cut it. And it kills me to hear every time.

My friends are supportive but just don't get it. They are fed up of listening to me. Thank you for your compliments. I am very touched.

Thanks to all for taking the time to reply.

Bless you @Thornbirdsong so so sorry.

What kind of therapy did you try that made you worse? Was it CBT, or more just talking, or? How many sessions/how long after the initial bombshell?

Did journaling occur at all, if so how did that go?

Apologize for the interrogation. I just want to understand what happened since the split. Xx

Your still texting him abuse nearly 2 years on ?

Have you tried dating ? As Some sort of distraction..

Hi op, just to say that pretty much everything you said in your most recent post I could have written. I am over two years in (with added fuckwittery along the way to keep it fresh) and I feel exactly the same as you.

Did your divorce get finalised in the end? Mine is still in limbo which doesn't help matters.

Maybe try to think that those 2 people are both living with liars and cheats. Neither of them can ever feel fully secure because they both know that the other is capable of betraying them.

Oh, this is so sad that you still feel like this two years on. Do you think that losing your parents at the same time has trapped you emotionally? With counselling, i understand it often gets worse before it gets better, so perhaps you stopped too soon?

To still feel so attached to the situation 2 years on is worrying as it is effecting you and thus the children so badly.

I don't know what to suggest to help you, other than further counselling to break you out of the cycle you are in. You only have one, short life and you are punishing yourself in the most awful way. There is a life out there waiting for you.

When, post my ( certainly not as traumatic as yours) separation, I felt low, I hung on to alot of self help books and read shit positive memes.

The two that I go back to, even now are:

Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how you can be treated.

And, my favourite:

Things may just well turn out better than you think.

Look forward OP, looking back is hurting you.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such pain following your separation.

You say therapy didn't work, but I'm wondering what sort of therapy you had exactly? You may want to look up complicated grief, which is generally reserved for death but can result from any major loss, and separation is for many a major loss.

You alone hold the key to your future happiness. Holding onto what was and believing that was the only life you were meant to have is holding you back.

Do you have your ex on a pedestal? Do you think your life is over because he has gone? What are the beliefs you currently hold about him and your future?

You had a life before him and you can have a life after if you are prepared to accept what has happened, not dwell on the injustice of it all. And yes, it is horrible, unfair and cruel. But it is also reality.

Life is not easy for many people. What life do you want? If you don't know, start thinking about it. Your ex does not hold they key to your future and happiness, you do. X

@rvby - I had 8 counselling sessions at the GP, over a year after he left. I tried journalling but it just became a list of everything he was doing wrong (eg not turning up for kids, more lies etc etc)

@Bellaxx8 - yes, tried dating. nothing stops me from the anger permanently. The distraction did help though.

@Bedraggledmumoftwo - yes - the divorced was finalised at the start of the year. I honestly thought that would make me feel way better but sadly not. I'm so sorry you''re in the same boat. Most people don't get it so thank you for sharing. Do you have children too? And yes - keeping it fresh is about right :-(

@Dappledsunlight - they don't seem to care, they are loves young dream it would appear and only did it to their partners as they were meant to be. Or some such bollocks.

@sofato5miles - thank you for your reply - any recommendations on a self help book?

@Windmillwhirl - will look that up - thanks.They are all very good questions that I do need to ask myself. I seem hung up on the bad deeds - rather than who I've lost. I feel incredibly sad that I lost my family unit and the nuclear family that I never had and so have my children. I know blended families can be wonderful but that wasn't the case for me

Thank you all. Every reply helps. Some very useful thoughts and insights

I am so sorry that you are still really struggling after 2 years and I hope you feel support on here
A little hand hold from me and some ideas you may find useful from my own experience
I was struggling like you and after talking therapies was not really helping I tried acceptance therapy through my GP. Its a form of CBT but the title explains it all really. It did help me from the ' stuckness' of the situation
I went no contact/ except for vital communication. If this is not possible fòr you can you use a 3rd party for handovers and communication? This was vital to my mental health
After a great deal of exploring I found out that my anger was a way of channelling deep dissapointment/ investment and my fixed view of how I thought my life would pan out. You could try really looking at this intense anger? Is it there to stop you going back/ protecting your family (for example) once I found out what was making me angry I started to deal with that better. Also practical ideas like running/ boxing dancing to rave music. Try to express it and not bottle it up.
You feel how you feel and you dont need to justify that to anyone. But one thing I learned is that I was in deep emotional and physical pain but I was also adding suffering on top by allowing myself to be continually hurt by ruminating thoughts imagining my ex and obsessing how shit my life had become. After a while this became my new normal it was as though I had rewired my brain to be forever a victim?
If you put all that emotion and anger and directed it to yourself you would maybe start to turn the corner. Life is short if one of your children was still going through this what would you say to them?
Believe you deserve to have a peaceful life again by being firm with yourself to be kind.
If you feel compelled to contact him again write it down instead and then destroy it. You may just feel you need to be 'heard' and not feeling like you can share with friends direct it at him instead which as you now realise opens the wound again ( making yourself suffer)
Finally what is the payoff for you to stay in this same emotional position? Are you afraid if you move on and let go it is so final? You sound like a lovely person and waiting for him to fail is not really going to make you feel better ( maybe for a very short while) but the same feelings of loss and accepting still need to be faced.
You have been through so much with losing your parents too, sometimes its easier to stay in that state than try to move on. Have you looked at other online support like chump lady?
Sending hugs I really hope you start healing from all the trauma soon.

I understand @Thornbirdsong, it's the feeling of loss and of having been a naive mug. I'm six years down the line and I can still get upset and angry about it if I think about it. I don't think the feeling goes, but you do learn to kick it into a corner and pile some shit on top of it most of the time :).

I do think the experience has changed me. I am very cynical about people now and I always look for what they are trying to get in any interaction with them. I am very conscious that I am the only one I can rely on - but hey, I always was, I just deluded myself. That said I am bloody good at dealing with stuff, I do feel there is no shit I could not handle. Perhaps disillusionment is the price you have to pay to become an adult.

What helps me not focus on the past is always having plenty of plans for the future, from small things like booking in social events with friends, to bigger things.

The shit events of the past have given me a chance to build a new life in a way which exH would never have agreed to. I have moved house once in the same area as I could not bear to remain living in what had been our family home and will move far away to an area I have always wanted to live in once my youngest DC goes to university.

I have changed my job and the type of work I do several times and now have the balance and flexibility I want. I'm always learning new skills and getting additional qualifications. I have a two year, five year and ten year plan.

Overall, I can say that, though I'm a bit scarred and battered, my life now is far better than the life I had before. I wish it had not happened, but it did. I would not choose to go back to my old life now even if someone could wave a magic wand and make that happen.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus - thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Everything you say one hundred percent resonates with me. It's like you have a vision into my mind and you totally understand where I'm coming from. Yep this is not what I wanted for my life, and never ever thought it would happen to me. Or my children. I read your message over and over and over again. It really helps

Thank you so much for all the practical tips. You really do speak a lot of sense I can't actually believe how accurate you are about how I'm feeling. Thank you for the compliments too it really helps as I don't feel like a great person anymore. Yes I read chump lady but the humorous approach while great, feels like it trivialises things sometimes.

@VondaVomin
again a fantastic reply, thank you so much. The struggle for me as well, obviously he did an awful thing, but our life before that did seemed perfect. We never really argued, thought we were in the same place, our children were our focus and I had what I considered almost a perfect life. I've now lost all that. Without any consultation, or consideration.

I did so much for him, when I met him he was living with his mother, no job and deep in debt. He moved in with me and his life changed dramatically. I was lucky to have a really good career at the time, so could support him financially and he lived in my home. I willingly gave the well paid career up when I had children. And this has been the thanks I get. Devastated.

Again thank you for all the replies. It really helps and I screenshot little bits of everything here and there to get me through the day.