STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

[Thornbirdsong]

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

I think thats exactly what happened. They were friends first. She was in a same sex relationship and he says he therefore thought she was just talking flirty banter which didn't mean anything.

He is very easily lead, not excusing anything, just explaining and probably doesn't have much confidence. She is also a lot younger than him so yep he was massively flattered.

I'm so sorry you've been though same Sausage - are they still together?

Yeah I think my ex is a bit insecure, not excusing it either but the things he came out with I just feel a bit sorry for him in the end.

I don't know, I had to block them both as the girl kept posting hurtful stuff after only a week of it all coming out. I don't ask him anything, he contacts about post etc every few weeks.

Also, I think it's easy for people to strike up connections with all the whatsapp and everything these days, it's so quick and you can keep chatting after work. He started on that and then the next thing was nights out with work, so you add alcohol in there. I don't know. Still haven't really made sense of it.

Toffee & Polly give good advice.

I work in this area and agree you need tk shuft your focus away from thdm anc onto YOU. Every time you focus on them you too open the emotional wounds. Some suggestions for you:

When you feel yourself going down the negative spiral of thinking about them, notice it and interrupt it. If it helps, say 'stop' out loud. Instead ask yourself 'what csn i do to make this better?', 'what would I advise my best friend right now?'

What do you enjoy doing? Do more of thise things. Choose a couple of small goals to work towards or a new hobby/activity/class to try.

Don't look at him/her on social media - this is like torture.

What do you have that us good in your life? Write a list of all the things you are grateful for and stick it somewhere you can see it. When you feel low, focus on the list for 30 seconds and then notice how you feel.

Remember YOU are in control of you. You can't control them or anyone else, but you can control your own thoughts and behaviours. Focus on what you can control and not what you can't - that just sucks your energy.

Ask your friends not to tell you about him/them as it doesn't help you to keep going over everything. Choose to talk to friends who help you to feel good about yourself, not those who love the drama or add to the fire.

Notice how often you talk about it - every time you tell the story you keep the pai alive. Instead what else could you talk about? What are you proud of? Have you learnt new skills as a result of him leaving? If you start to talk about those Instead, you'll shift your mind away from him.

Start to do one small thing that is kind to yourself every day.

OP it"s all about shifting your focus off them and on to you.

Hugs to you x

Sorry for typos. On phone!

Some great advice on this thread.

It’s so easy to focus on them when the most important thing to focus on is you and your DC.

He didn’t focus on you so why give him the head space, he doesn’t deserve it.

Thank you all so much for taking the time out of your lives to help a stranger. I know there is some very good advice there. I would dearly love to switch off and I have already tried the STOP technique - thanks for the suggestion Brakebackcyclebot.

I will also try and do the gratitude list. Sadly my parents died last year so I have been struggling with that too and the lack of support. Its basically just me and the kids, I don't have anyone else other than a few friends who aren't able to help practically.

And I've released that I DO talk about him/the situation all the time. When people ask I feel rude saying I don't want to talk about it tho. So end up talking myself back into misery. Even if I'd started out in a decent frame of mind.

Hi OP.
I also found out about my husband’s affair almost a year ago (2 days after Christmas, actually) and she is also 13 years younger than him/us so I really feel your pain.
I don’t think I’m healed yet and I may never be completely as I loved this man for over half my life, but I definitely feel stronger than I did a few months ago.
Everyone is different and everyone heals in different ways and in different time frames but a few things I feel have helped me:
-Cut all contact other then that which is necessary (for us, about the children)
-Remove each other from social media, and also anyone else who posts things about him that may upset you (for me is was some of his family members who thought nothing of posting photos of him with the OW soon after we separated, knowing they were ‘friends’ with me.
-get on that waiting list for counselling. I put myself on the waiting list for NHS counselling and through work and fortunately they both care through at he same time so I had one session a week for about 6/7 weeks. An opportunity to talk about your feelings with someone who is impartial and not emotionally involved was really therapeutic.
-Use your family/friend’s. Sorry to hear about your parents...if you have anyone else you are close to then lean on them, they won’t mind if they care. Even when I felt like a massive burden to my friends, they were there and I honestly think they saved me in a really dark time.
-If you feel comfortable to, give on line dating a go. You don’t have to be looking for anything heavy but I found that going on a few dates gave me a bit of self confidence back and made me realise that I can, when and if I’m ready, meet someone. I am dating someone now and I’m not looking for anything serious but it’s nice to spend adult time with someone when I don’t have the kids and feel a bit special.

These are just a few things that have helped me along the way but I’m still getting there and it still takes the smallest thing to set me back but I’m never going to be where I was 11 months ago. Remember, you are worth more than the value he has placed on you. You will be ok...he probably never will be because men like this are always looking for something else and will never be happy with what they have xx

@sunshineandflipflops just to say I've read your posts about on here and you've helped me loads after going through something similar, so thank you

@Sausage101 Thank you and I’m so glad anything I’ve said/garbled on here has helped anyone. Still getting there myself but things are a lot brighter than they were a few months ago x

I’m so sorry that there are so many shitty men out there. I feel like I’m still in shock. Do you? I feel like I will be broken forever.

I’ve tried online dating but without success. I think I’m really fussy, plus the lack of babysitters doesn’t help.

4 years, almost to the day, since H of 28 years left for the OW-a younger woman he worked with. They married after 2 years, still together.

My goodness, the first year was hard. It's like a bereavement, a huge betrayal by someone who I just knew would never behave like that.....

Counselling has helped, but there are still days he's in my head. I hate that, but I have learnt that I get past it each time and that knowledge makes the next time a bit easier.

It really does get better. At your stage I didn't believe that either, but it does. And now, hard as it's been from time to time, I wouldn't have him back. You will get there too, just be nice to yourself, give yourself time.

Yeah @Thornbirdsong I think it will take a while to recover from the shock. 5 months for me and I'm still having issues and considering counselling. Everyone here says it gets better and they've been through it. Just keep doing stuff for yourself and thinking of yourself I think seems to be the key. If things go round and round a lot try writing in a notebook, that's helped me a bit. But just know you're not alone. x

Also don't worry about online dating/dating if you're not ready. Maybe focus more on hobbies and groups and doing things you've always wanted to do. I've been told to do online dating but I just don't want to until I'm feeling better about it all. Don't let anyone tell you you should be doing this or that.

It’s so hard isn’t it @Theoscargoesto. Did you have children too? Do you still have to see him?

How are you today @Saussage101?

I’m going to be following this thread and I am relieved to have found it.

Although my exh didn’t have an affair as such, he had big issues with porn, messaging lots of women on bdsm websites and had seen a handful of dominatrix workers. We had been together since I was 18 I’m 33 now and we have a 11 and 4 year old.

After lots of two-ing and thro-ing I ended it literally just over a year ago. It would have been our 10 year Anniversary this week and it’s really really got to me.

I hugely miss the family element as we worked well on that part. In my rational brain I know the splitting made sense but I still miss him so much. He acted like a total prick at times and could be really hard work albeit so could I when pushed. So why do I feel so crap about it at times. I’m trying to look forward I don’t have a bad life, good friends, good family, joined a pub quiz team and I have had a few OL dates. I don’t understand why I feel like this a year on I find it very frustrating. Any more tips would be great. I am going to look into trying to get some free counselling today.

@Thornbirdsong I'm okay thanks, my birthday is coming up and it's set me off thinking of things and feeling down. How are you?

@Hanbam that's a big chunk of your life you were with him, I don't think it's strange that a year on you might still be struggling. I think the counselling sounds like a good idea, that's what I'm thinking about too.

OLD or any kind of dating isn’t for everyone and you have to do what’s right for you. I wouldn’t say I felt ‘ready’ when I gave it a go but was persuaded by a colleague who had had success on there after a marriage breakdown.
I didn’t go into it looking for the next love of my life...I actually think I found him and will never feel that way about anyone for the rest of my life but it is nice to feel like someone wants to spend time with me and it’s helped my confidence a bit when it was pretty low.

Yes, @thornbirdsong, it was tough.

We have 2 girls, 21 and 23 when he left. In one sense it was easier for them as they had their own support systems, but harder because it changed how they thought about their lives: they thought we had been happy (so did I for that matter) and they felt their own memories had been changed, that the ground had altered in some way. He insisted that they see him with OW right from the start, as in, within 3 weeks of leaving. They felt their feelings didn't matter, which was compounded when he said that it was about his happiness, not theirs.

THose sorts of things made me hate him, and that helped, but i was sad for a long time before I really allowed the anger in. You say you do feel angry and that's a good thing, I think.

I think too that you hit the nail on the head in your OP: this was done TO you, you had no choice, and I think feeling I had no power, no choices, made things hard. But you will realise that DO have power: to make your own choices, to live your life in your own way. Just trust that you will get over it, that it will get better. It honestly does.

Yes totally @Theoscargoesto. I had no choice in any of this. He destroyed our marriage and my children’s happy carefree childhood. I don’t get how anyone could do this to their family.

@Sunshineandflipflops I feel exactly the same. He was the love of my life, we were each other’s best friends. And I 100% thought he was my soulmate.

It hasn’t helped that he still tells me he loves me. I don’t understand how he could be so cruel - when he’s been with her all along and lied about it. Why would he do that when he clearly does not want to be with me?

Because he probably does still love you, just not in the way you need him to. It’s a cliche but sometimes love just isn’t enough x

Op you will feel better but it will take time.
Cease all contact with him and her other than that which deals solely with child access and the divorce.
Regarding the divorce do it through a solicitor.
Communicate only via email regarding the dc.
Keep it brief and factual. Anything else is deeply damage by to you and will prolong the agony.
With all due respect he is just following the script.
If I had a pound for every man that has done the exact same thing which your h has, I would be a very wealthy woman indeed.
Married man meets younger woman and sods off with her.
That's it.
He cares more for her than he does for either you or your dc. Sad but true.
If it weren't true than ask yourself why the csa was set up.
Sorry to be blunt op.

Belinda that’s what I said to him. But he says I’m wrong and he cares more about us. I know his actions say different. So why does he say these things. Does he think I’m that stupid.

I agree sometimes love isn’t enough. But genuinely I had no idea we had any issues (just the usual ones that come with every marriage). He says he was really happy with me and our life together. And just got “caught up”.

Why does it all hurt so much. 😫😫😫😢😢😢

I'm going to pm you something I read that helped me @thornbirdsong