STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

[Thornbirdsong]

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

Hi, sorry to have to tell you it doesn't necessarily get better, ever.
I'm a male, my wife had an affair 14 years ago. We're still together although the pain hasn't gone away and affects my everyday life. I could go into detail, but it would probably bore the crap out of you.
The outcome was I have totally lost trust in not only her, but everyone. I used to have a broad circle of good friends, now I have none. Not because they have done anything, but because I lost trust in her, I lost trust in everyone around me. I guess if you can't trust the one person closest to you, why should you trust anyone else.

I now lead a boring existence, never want to go out etc., just exist. I still think of the affair every day of my life, often have teary moments etc. But I stay because of the kids.
Great if you can move on, I can't.

So sorry @Ferfeckssake smacks of a mid life crisis, my H also hit that age bracket and went off the rails a year ago. Just like you I was completely floored. I feel for you I really do!

A year on I can relate to the PP @Greendaffy trust is gone, I now trust absolutely no one and there's a side of me that thinks that will never get better. We rub along together ok day to day but the thoughts in my head have never gone away. Sadly I'm waiting for the right moment to get myself out of this mess. I've promised myself it will be this year. Find your inner strength and think about what you want right now, don't make any rash decisions but as someone else said if you choose to stay in the marriage right now doesn't mean 6 /12 months from now you can't change your mind.

Be kind to yourself, hugs xx

whynot93 - A year on I can relate to the PP @Greendaffy trust is gone, I now trust absolutely no one and there's a side of me that thinks that will never get better. We rub along together ok day to day but the thoughts in my head have never gone away

Spot on with that! Describes how I feel exactly. She continues to go out with friends etc, I stay at home moping. Hardly seems fair, but it is what it is.
I know for a fact things will never get better, but I've given up. Hopefully others will make a better fist of things than I have.

Worst thing is it gives my kids (and everyone else) the impression that I'm a miserable F*er, but I can't exactly tell them why, can I?!

I don't know how old your kids are Greendaffy .Mine are both in their 20s and my daughter just finished college.
I absolutely dread the thoughts of telling them or anybody else.
Have booked Marriage Counselling for this week. I hope there he will be able to be honest as I know he is only saying as much as he can get away with.But the dumb fucker doesn't have a clue how to hide traces.One reason I never thought he would do it.
I had to call Samaratins this morning as so afraid to do something and no one else to turn to.
I just don't know how to cope .

Thank you whynot93.It really does help.I think if I had no money issues , I probably would just leave. But at the same time I am reluctant to just throw away nearly 30 years without at least trying.And he is willing to go to counselling.At least it will make it seem real.

Op, I suspect he thinks he is being kind by saying rhe things he does and not being open about his relationship. An attempt to make you feel better, and not cause further pain, to stop himself looking like even more of a shit, but the reality is it's making you feel worse because you're hanging on to it .

I'm sorry to say this but you need to stop asking him about her and try to finally accept it's over and he is with her. When you make peace with that, you can then start to rebuild yourself, but as long as you keep wanting him back, replaying his words, hoping it will end, the longer it will take you to come back from this.

And you can come back from this. And be stronger. Your whole life and happiness did not depend on him.

Ferfeckssake

Both teenagers. Don't think it would make much difference to be honest. Don't think I could ever tell them the reason their Dad is a miserable Sod is because their Mum had an affair...
Don't know why I want to protect her, but they adore her and I don't want to tarnish their feelings towards her, so I just put up with it. And please don't anyone think I'm being a Martyr, I'm not. I'm bloody miserable but try not to pass it on to the kids, not always successfully!

God Greendaffy that is so sad .Surely life is too short to be miserable.And it does seem so unfair that she is blameless to them.
My kids adore their Dad, they think I am mean to him.But I was desperately trying to get some attention and emotional support.
Little did I think that he was giving all he had elsewhere.And it was an EA due to distance.Damn internet, scourge of the family.

@Greendaffy sorry to jump in but just to say you described exactly how I feel, I don't trust anyone anymore. It's a horrible feeling. I feel like I always saw the good in people and now I feel naive and the world feels like someone turned a dimmer down on everything. Anyone on the thread have any tips on not thinking the worst after a big betrayal?

@Thornbirdsong my heart is sore for you. I'm 3 years down the line and I have just got to the stage where I don't hate him. It's the unfairness of it all. I just wanted to stamp my feet and yell this isn't fair. He's got the easy new life, I'm the one dealing with the fallout, the School runs, the illnesses, the pain.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Your life WILL get better. Now I can laugh and him and his patheticness. I don't know how I would have got through the last 3 years without my friends.

Keep your head up @Thornbirdsong it WILL get better. I used to keep a "Cry Diary" how many minutes, hours I could get through without crying, then days. I haven't cried about him for over a month. I am def over the worse now.

Jeez sorry it's all bold!!

@Thornbirdsong I'm sorry you are going thru this. There are many places that offer free or very low cost counselling.
I know you'll benefit from talking therapy not cbt. The nhs normally goes the cbt route.

Thanks for the messages and I'm not looking for sympathy, the current situation is ultimately my decision (albeit heavily influenced by her actions).

Thornbirdsong, sorry if your thread appears to have been hijacked somewhat. I really feel for you and anyone else that is going through this. If only the bastards knew... As I said to her, I just wish for one minute you could be me...

Ferfecksake, Yeah, life is too short to be miserable, which is why it is a life sentence whatever happens in the future. I can't hate her on the outside as that will spill over to others, I just hate what she's made me become. No one has the right to change another person! My whole persona has changed. From being an outgoing fun individual, I am now a introverted shell.
But the crux of it is, I love my children more than I hate what she has done to me!

Sausage101, Exactly that, regarding the dimmer. Hope you get a higher wattage bulb! :-)

All, whatever works for you and your circumstances is best, there is no right way or wrong way.

Big love to you all!

Thornbird you don't need to appear permanently happy for your DC, this is a good opportunity to let them know that it's OK to be sad about bad things happening and how to get over it. Obviously you don't want to dump your own unhappiness on them but encourage them to talk about how vthey are feeling.
My ex left to live abroad with OW after 19 years so my dc felt abandoned as well as the upset of mum and dad splitting up. I cried in the shower or would invent a reason to drive to Asda and cry in the car. Only a couple of times did I cry in front of them but looking back I think they have learned that bad things happen but we can get over them.
It took me about 4 years to feel completely over it, as in I no longer wish ill on my ex or give him any head space and 5 years on can now be friendly when I see him, although it feels false I do it so no one else feels awkward.
I got lots of great advice on here and even in the middle of the night there are people to reply to your posts.
I also remember the early days when it was all I talked about and remember telling even complete strangers that I met
You will get over it but agree that for your sake you have to become business like with him and stop talking about his feelings or new relationship as this is stopping you from getting to the next stage. The anger stage is good and gives you the energy you need to get things done.

Thornbirf
Also sorry for hijacking your thread.
The fact that you are still so affected a year on is so sad.And probably terrifying as we are told "time will heal"
I know what you mean about not understanding how he could break the family .I am looking around at 30 years!! of family life that he destroyed as even if I get over it , it will tarnish the memories.
You and I and all the betrayed ones find it hard to understand because I think we are decent , honourable people who can't imagine causing our children and loyal partners such pain.And it must seem so unfair to see them moving on , seemingly undamaged.
I am sorry you can't get counselling sooner.I found out on Sunday , going to session on Friday.Cant wait for some real guidance as to what to do next as I am so confused.
Is it any consolation that you seem to be a great Mum ? While you think you are still broken after a year, you are stronger than you think.It takes strength to get up every day for this year and do the best for them that you can.
And he really isn't going to live happily ever after as your kids will grow up and realise what a great parent you were.
Him? A cheater , liar and not worthy of their respect.As an older person , I know that this will mean something to him in his latter years.

And that goes for you too, Greendaffy.Your kids will appreciate what you did for them.Putting your own feelings aside for them and not split their home.
Maybe you can't see it as you say you have said you are quite isolated, but I truly hope that you may find your own happiness.You too seem like a decent honourable person .Be proud

Good luck with the counselling Ferfecksake and Thornbird, hope it's more successful than mine. Think the counsellor needed counselling after meeting me! :-)
My kids won't appreciate what I've done 'cos they'll never know, but that's not what it's about.

No apologies needed from anyone. No high jacking at all - just chatting and consoling each other. It's thoroughly shit there are so many of us in this situation.

@Greendaffy - your experience is interesting. As I think if I'd let him stay initially I'd have been the same as you. Angry forever. I don't forget or forgive anything easily. Why haven't you left? Maybe you'd feel better? (I may be talking rubbish as I clearly know nothing of keeping a relationship going 😢)

@Ferfeckssake - thank you for saying I'm a good mum. It made me genuinely smile. I hope so. As I'm good for very little else right now. I do wonder if the kids will hate him in future. Or whether they will never understand the big deal (unless tragically it happens to them too).

@Mrscaindingle - I'm sorry this has happened to you too. I also blurt personal stuff out to total strangers (and my optician 😫). Why do we do that? Thank you for the advice.

@RedTartanLass - sadly I lost my parents just before I found out. And I seem to have lost an awful lot of friends too. I have a few left but it's astonishing how many of them have completely disappeared. I spent most of xmas alone (plus kids) and it's been the hardest. Feel so totally alone.

And yep. It totally isn't fair. I'm exhausted from dealing with this trauma plus all the other stuff life throws at you - plus all the normal house/kids/work stuff.

@Bluntness100 I know you're right. I need to move on. Please tell me how?

Big wave @Sunshineandflipflops & @Sausage101 - although this is a crappy club I feel like all these people have walked in our shoes which helps.

@Thornbirdsong sadly I don't have parents either, when I said surround yourself with people who love you I meant (in my case) friends. Real friends and as you've found out, you very soon come to realise who your real ones are. I was shocked and upset at the "friends" who fell by the wayside, didn't want to tarnish their own coupledom with a single friend.

I'll always remember going round a great friend's house sobbing and her young young ds coming up to me giving me a cuddle and saying "Aunty Red why are you always crying?"

Bleak bleak days, but every day is another day closer to feeling better. Baby steps Thornbirdsong, baby steps.

I used to congratulate myself at the end of the day for just pulling myself out of bed, seeing to the DCs and going to work.

You can do this! You ARE doing this. You seem like a great mother, this too will pass.

All my thoughts with you sweetheart.

@Thornbirdsong sorry once last thing that REALLY helped me. When I went on a mental rage about how unfair everything was or thinking about ex and his "amazing life" and getting angrier and angrier, or the helpless feeling of despair was the 5,4,3.2,1 Grounding Technique. I've cut and pasted below for you. Honest for me it was the first step of getting back control of my thoughts.

5 - LOOK: Look around for 5 things that you can see, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I see the computer, I see the cup, I see the picture frame.
4 - FEEL: Pay attention to your body and think of 4 things that you can feel, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I feel my feet warm in my socks, I feel the hair on the back of my neck, or I feel the pillow I am sitting on.
3 - LISTEN: Listen for 3 sounds. It could be the sound of traffic outside, the sound of typing or the sound of your tummy rumbling. Say the three things out loud.
2 - SMELL: Say two things you can smell. If you’re allowed to, it’s okay to move to another spot and sniff something. If you can’t smell anything at the moment or you can’t move, then name your 2 favorite smells.
1 - TASTE: Say one thing you can taste. It may be the toothpaste from brushing your teeth, or a mint from after lunch. If you can’t taste anything, then say your favorite thing to taste.

I actually find it helpful when the DCs are starting to me up too :)

Green daffy, you've had lots of empathy here, but I shall say it, but 14 years is one hell of a punishment for her sins for all of you.

I get you've sought help, but to be still crying, still miserable, still thinking about it every day, to bring your children up with a parent who is miserable for most of their lives is not ok. It's beyond punitive for all of you.

I don't understand why you are still there, I don't understand more why she is, I can only hope the living hell you've created for each other ends when the kids leave home. And that she leaves or you do. Because this is no way to live, she made a mistake, she betrayed you, but to pay with fourteen years of all your lives is too much,

I hope you find happiness. I hope she does, but this isn't healthy or a situation anyone should be living in so long.

Sorry, green daffy, I meant to add, I think after 14 years the scales of justice may be on her side, there comes a time you forgive and forget and move on or you leave, and when the punishment, even if unintentional, unavoidable, becomes too much, then the scales will be on her side.

I'm sorry,

Green daffy, you've had lots of empathy here, but I shall say it, but 14 years is one hell of a punishment for her sins for all of you.

I get you've sought help, but to be still crying, still miserable, still thinking about it every day, to bring your children up with a parent who is miserable for most of their lives is not ok. It's beyond punitive for all of you.

I don't understand why you are still there, I don't understand more why she is, I can only hope the living hell you've created for each other ends when the kids leave home. And that she leaves or you do. Because this is no way to live, she made a mistake, she betrayed you, but to pay with fourteen years of all your lives is too much,

I hope you find happiness. I hope she does, but this isn't healthy or a situation anyone should be living in so long.

Sorry, green daffy, I meant to add, I think after 14 years the scales of justice may be on her side, there comes a time you forgive and forget and move on or you leave, and when the punishment, even if unintentional, unavoidable, becomes too much, then the scales will be on her side.

I'm sorry,

Hi Bluntness,

No need to apologize, like I said previously, everyone has to deal with it in the way that suits them.

The simple reason I'm still there is for my children. I try to hide it my pain from them as best I can, and in the main I'm doing a great job. By the way they are now, well rounded, intelligent, fun individuals, I think it's worked.

When you say "...the scales will be on her side", I'm not sure what you mean. As far as I'm concerned, there are no "sides". I'm just doing what I think is best for my family as a whole, and I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and think I am succeeding.

I also firmly believe that it is only me that has suffered for 14 years. Everyone else seems to be getting on with their lives perfectly well.

What the future holds after the children have flown the nest, who knows. I'll make that decision based on what I feel is best at the time.

But for now, I really think that as a family we're in the best place we can be.
X

Ah I wish you luck it sounds like it's been hard and you've been doing your best. My response was to your comments they would all say you were "miserable". That sort of pain is hard to hide.

I do think 14 years is a long time to be still so upset over it, is there anything you can do to get back to the old you? Start to go out again, find new interests, find some joy in life again?

Hi Bluntness100, to be perfectly honest, I no longer want to go out socially again, my trust has been smashed. I know that makes me sound pathetic, but I'm honestly not. It's just my mentality has changed, but I'm comfortable (sort of) with it.
And don't worry, I get my joy from my kids.