STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

[Thornbirdsong]

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

It sounds like you still love him deeply, which is natural and completely to your credit. However you aren't going to be happy and to build a new life on your own until you move on. You must keep communication with him to an absolute minimum and strictly about your kids. You can't move on if you are still emotionally involved with him by having discussions about the other woman and picking over your relationship.

He best revenge is living well. You don't need him to be unhappy and his relationship with the other woman to fail to "win". You win by being happier than him. Happy alone, happy with friends and family, happy with your strong relationship with your kids, happy with a new partner one day if that's what you want.

You have had a really tough time OP. A lot of loss all at one time is really really hard going - so acknowledge that - don't let anyone minimise it. You ask why does he say he loves you etc - it is only to make HIM feel better, to assuage HIS guilt.

You will go mad asking all of the Why? questions - don't waste your finite emotional energy and headspace on him/them. It will exhaust and deplete you - you will have nothing left for YOUR recovery and nothing left to emotionally support your children which is the priority right now.

When you have intrusive thoughts about them/it/why - try to mentally bat them away, scrub them out instantly - and decide that you will instead divert your emotional energy to positive protective thoughts and plans for your children.

This blow has already happened to your children and your role now is damage limitation. Their future emotional state isn't solely defined by D-Day. It is defined by how well YOU steady this ship out of choppy waters into calm. So they need you showing up mentally everyday, fully attuned to their needs, positive and progressive. You wont get there overnight but you will get there much quicker and your children will develop/recover much better emotionally if you conserve your finite pot of emotional energy by not letting him drain it and use it for yourself and ultimately your children. I understand that you are still feeling the effects of your own parents divorce and are devastated that this will blight your own children's lives - but it doesn't have to be so bleak. There is so much research nowadays outlining how to pro-actively emotionally buffer children from the fall-out.

You will go through the five stages of grief for your marriage - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sounds like you are ricocheting between anger and bargaining right now. I read somewhere on MN recently that the hardest grief is for the loss of someone still living. Take care of yourself, pace yourself - it's a long road. Your children need you as their DF has let them down.

Get some CBT
Very helpful
My ex was very miserable with ow
But I don't learn this for years.
Nothing is ever as it seems.
By then I'd moved on and found the love of my life.

And please say to people I don't want to talk about it if it makes you feel bad

I think my ex had convinced himself so much with his own lies that he was honestly shocked at how devastated I was
Mine was so convinced by his own lies that he thought I deserved to feel that way, as I was a horrible person.
This is how it works, though - it's cognitive dissonance: they are doing something that only a horrible person would do, so their brain automatically (subconsciously) searches for "good" reasons that explain why a lovely person like them would do something so crap, or why it isn't actually crap after all. My ex variously decided that he had never loved me and I had made him marry and have children, that he inexplicably didn't feel any regret and that must show that adultery was actually not such a bad thing after all, - shit, everyone does it really, right? - and that this woman was the love of his life and that trumped everything else (that was previously my title, but this time it was for real).

Again thank you everyone. I’m reading and rereading all your posts constantly. And thinking about and processing it all. You have all said so many helpful things. Just having you all say you understand helps me feel justified in my thoughts. If that makes sense. After 3 months friends were saying I should have moved on and been “over it all”.

this blow has already happened to your children That had not occurred to me. Of course. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Just cope better than I have been maybe. Practically I’ve not let them down. They’ve been to school every day since and never late. They’re fed and watered and exercised 😉 And clean. I just need to shake myself and appear permanently happy for them. I tell them we’ll be ok and all the usual stuff. We’re still a lovely family etc. And I do believe it. I just need a bit more enthusiasm for life again.

Nothing much to add, except I feel for you You need a plan though! Get some things in place for YOU. Look at this as an opportunity to get yourself back to the best you. You can and will be happy again. It’s just a bit of a bloody process, and ultimately time is the best healer (yes, that old trope! As annoying as it is, it’s true). And the best revenge is SO to live well. It really is. And keep yourself in the dark about his relationship. If she’s younger she’ll soon get bored with him anyway. All the best x

I feel for you. I m nearly 18 months on from
Stbexh leaving me for ow and only now can I say hand on heart I m getting there. For me writing in a diary each day has helped. It makes me see how far I have come and how much more positive I am feeling and in control. I like to look back through it sometimes just to reassure myself I am moving forward. Going virtually non contact ( email only and only about kids) has helped massively. Stay strong.

Well rid

He is a foolish liar you do not deserve that

Tell yourself this daily

@ravenmum that makes sense. It's funny how all the lines are the same. I get the feeling my ex thinks he's so unique and it's some fairy tale.

So if they convince themselves that much it must be interesting when the same issues pop up again with new woman/man. I wonder if the penny ever drops with them.

Hope you are doing ok @thornbirdsong

Bad day again today. Financial consent order is being queried by the judge, and he let the children down again on the weekend.

Sat in work trying hard not to cry.

Thank you @fadehead
@Juststopit
@looondonn
@Sausage101
@ravenmum

and everyone else for continuing to reply and help me.

Here is you need to talk @thornbirdsong [flower] x

*if and sorry

After 3 months friends were saying I should have moved on and been “over it all”
Oh dear - that is not supportive of your friends at all.
It takes a hell of a lot longer than 3 months.

Sorry you are having another down day.
I was 'sort of' lucky that my ExH went to live in another country so I didn't have to see him or deal with him much at all.
You don't have that option.
Keep going.
It's shit but you've done so well.

Sorry you’re feeling low.
It was my son’s birthday a couple of days ago so I put on my big girl pants and sat through a meal at a pub with my ex and the kids. Kept the conversation purely to the kids but it was hard. It should have been our anniversary (14 years) next week too so a rough time, not to mention Xmas and the anniversary of us separating 2 days after.
Group hug! x

Sounds like you have to do a lot of expectation management for the children, not telling them stuff in advance and/or always making it a "might". I know how frustrating and disappointing it is, though.

It's quite a relief when the formal stuff is finally over.

@hellsbellsmelons I wish my H would leave the country :-/

@Sunshineandflipflops - I've done that a few times, I don't think I can do it anymore. I couldn't even manage to sit next to him during the kids xmas concerts this week. I'm too angry at the latest bunch of lies. Sorry its a crappy week for you too. Am dreading actual Xmas week. He still hasn't asked when he can see the kids though. Shocking.

Thanks @ Sausage101

@ravenmum - I can't wait. I have convinced myself I'll feel better once the divorce is through and I can change my name.

So Christmas was as awful as predicted. Didn't think I was able to feel anymore alone but yep - I totally was.

I've lost the plot again now. Wanting him back and feeling desperate and sad. 😢😢😢😢

Christmas is not the best time, it just brings everything up doesn't it. I was glad when it was over, I think I'll go away next year.

Sorry you’ve had a bad time op.
I worked myself up so much about Christmas and other significant dates around December that it wasn’t actually as bad as i’d feared but I was also very glad when it was all over and I used to love Christmas. Another thing he ruined for me.
Try and focus on the new year now and how you can try and make yourself happier. Maybe a new hobby/exercise?
I’m trying to get back into running and am learning to play guitar-both things that are just for me.
Remember, it might not be the life you had planned or imagined but you can still make it a damn good life xx

Thanks both. It just doesn't feel like I'll have a good life. I feel like my future is ruined. And everything will be so hard for both me and the kids. While he's out there not even bothered about the chaos and destruction he's left behind.

It's hard isn't it, seems to be the trend that they just sail off without a backward glance, it's really hurtful. It's not ruined, it's just going to be different and it will take time to rebuild bit by bit. Have you got any plans for the year? I'm looking at courses and short breaks to set some things to look forward to.

I am at the beginning of this journey.Saw him with a second phone.Demanded to see it.Shocked to my very core.
He had been working in UK .We are in Ireland.Contacted old aquintance and I guess began an emotional affair with eventually meeting up. I saw she ended it as she is working abroad .
I have been supporting him with his so called mental health issues.No wonder he was under pressure , juggling two lives.
We are older, in our 50s and our last child is finished college.So home alone and the problems were more magnified. I was aware that he was distant but put it down to mental health.
I am no pushover, lead a very full life without him, travelled alone when I wanted to.But I 100% did not see this coming.
Totally broken , not slept , even got in car to drive around aimlessly.
He says he wants to try and work this out and is so remorseful.I always thought this would be a deal breaker, but financially I am screwed.
Second phone I have hidden and I don't know if I want to throw it away or torture myself by looking through it.
Have been a Mumsnet lurked for years and always felt hugely sorry for Relationship problems with infidelity.
And now it is me and I am so overwhelmed and don't know where to start.Cant really talk to anyone in RL as it is such a small community and should we stay together it would always be a thing about us.
Just thanks for maybe reading .Needed to do this.

@Ferfeckssake I'm so sorry, you must be devastated. My ex-OH played with mental health card with me too when all along it was an OW. I'd think long and hard about staying with him. Financially, I have been screwed over twice by my ex-H and now the ex-OH (we were thankfully not married). I've had to start again from scratch with my youngest at home (she's doing her GCSEs this year), but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have no financial assets (not a home owner) and have to rent a house, but at the end of the day I am free from the emotional abuse my ex-OH put me through by placing blame on me for his supposed mental health problems - when like your H...it was a double life.

I know it all may seem overwhelming, but are you sure you do not have someone close you can confide in to support you? I live in a small town, but didn't really hold back with telling everyone I know about what happened and the support I received was amazing. But there again, I left my ex-OH on the night I found concrete proof and after he became aggressive towards me and my DD. Your situation is different as your H appears to be remorseful and wants to try and sort things out because he has been finally found out. If he truly is remorseful he will totally cut this OW from his life, be transparent about his whereabouts and communication with other people and I suggest you both go to couples counselling together. If he is committed to doing all of that then you may have a chance. I do have a friend whose husband was cheating on her when she was pregnant with their 3rd baby. The situation was made worse with the OW claiming to be pregnant, but the baby turned out not to be by the husband of my friend. The attended counselling and he has been 100% transparent with his phone use and communication with other people. There was a time when she was just going to stay with him until their youngest reached 18 as she felt trapped financially, but they really have managed to turn things around..so there is some hope. I really feel for you and wish you all the best. xx

Thanks for replying.I feel so alone with this.I do think he might be sincere about doing something to repair us.He had been seeing a therapist that he told about OW.Claims he was trying to work up courage to tell me, but I don't know if he hadn't been caught if he would have ever done so.Seperate countries for all involved makes me believe it is over.
I have no idea who he is anymore.I think the fucker has lost his damn mind! And definitely lost his way.

@FerFeckssake sorry to hear you are going through this too.

Only you can decide what the best move is for you. People are quick to tell you what to do but that has to be your decision.

I found evidence of my husband having an affair too, just over a year ago. I didn't give him chance to explain (what could he have possibly said to make it better?) or to be remorseful and asked him to leave that day. He is still with OW and i have no idea if me making him leave pushed them together when they would have eventually fizzled out or not but that's not something I can torture myself further with. I know for me that I would never trust him again and that's no way to live for either of us. He broke what I thought was unbreakable.

It's hard, I won't lie but a year on I am in a much better place than I was. It's taken a lot of self reflection, counselling (I self-referred), but mostly amazing friends and family. I really would suggest you talking to someone you trust as this is a lot to go through on your own. I knew my marriage was over but I phoned my mum and my best friend to come round as as soon as I found out.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do, and remember, even if you agree to try and make things work now, you are still entitled to change your mind if it's not working further down the line x