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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you make of this?

219 replies

curiouscat74 · 23/11/2018 11:04

My DH travels a lot for work, mainly Europe and Russia. Recently he has made several trips to the Ukraine. I thought nothing of it but on one trip he said that he was in Paris but I found luggage's tags in the bin that were for those dates and from Kiev. I was a bit suspicious. One of his work notebooks was lying around and so I had a little flick through. There was a woman's name with 'not exclusive' and 'STD' underneath. Also '£10k'. He has his own bank account so I cannot look at his spending. He has never given me any reason to think he has cheated on the past. In other bits in the book there are some references to sex with hotel names and reminders to pick up viagra. In another bit there are dates and what could be amounts of money, hundreds. I am obviously devastated. We have children and have been together for years. Would you think from this that he is using a prostitute or could it be a work colleague. It is those words under her name that make me think it is a prostitute, and the sums of money. I am in shock and not sure what to do. Apart from being so upset at the betrayal we are not by any means wealthy enough for this kind of spending!!!! What should I do?

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 29/12/2018 13:13

Is this honestly for real OP because I struggle to see how he thinks he can get away with keep disappearing off etc and the missing cash. Does he think you are stupid!! Or has he just totally lost the plot. I would have it out at his mothers!!

Azure83 · 29/12/2018 17:16

What bethy15 said.

Mummyoftwo91 · 29/12/2018 17:37

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you need to talk to him now though

Nestlyn · 29/12/2018 18:02

OP text him and tell him to come home immediately, never mind seeing his mother. At the very least he should be spending some time with his wife and kids as he left you all over Christmas. You're letting him off the hook, don't allow him to avoid you. Text him and tell him to transfer some money from his private account into your overdrawn account straight away. Your acceptance of this situation is crazy, start demanding.

MsDogLady · 29/12/2018 19:22

Curious he is still calling all the shots. Stop dancing to his tune and take action. As Nestlyn said, text him to come home. Do not go to his mother’s for lunch. When he finds another place to go off to to avoid you, get in his face and say no, we are talking NOW.

Tell him that you know all about his secret Kiev visits, sleazy notebook notations, and underwear purchases. He is cheating on you and you MUST confront him. He is cheating, lying, and emotionally & financially abusing you and the children.

curiouscat74 · 29/12/2018 19:31

Thank you all. I have been speaking to a lawyer and getting my ducks in a row. I think that for years I have tolerated this type of random behaviour and I really need to hear from you that it is bang out of order. It is amazing when you have lived with such a deceitful shit for so long that you loose all perspective. When I first found the book I was so sure I must have it wrong. And then he just carried on. I didn't want to ruin Christmas so was waiting to tell him but then he went. I didn't have lunch with his mum today as I spoke to her and it seems that she knew he was going away! I felt doubly betrayed. I am not sure what he told her. My lawyer is not back in the office until the second but I have blind copied her in on some emails I have sent him regarding the overdraft etc. I will try to get an immediate order on the account.

Can I say that the support I have had from the mumsnet community has been amazing. These are hard things to admit. It was hard to tell my parents what he has been up to. Also to admit how completely in the dark I was about our financial position. I had buried my head in the sand and I am ashamed of that. But I am on it now. Thank you all.

The most galling thing is that according to my lawyer his activity and generally being a bad dad will not have any relation to our custody or financial situation. And I will get in trouble if I smack him round the head with a frying pan.

OP posts:
minkies11 · 29/12/2018 21:43

OP what he deserves most is a good clout with a frying pan! Can understand that and think everyone on this thread (me included) would all give him a whack as well! Rooting for you and your kids though Flowers

SanitysSake · 30/12/2018 04:00

Having worked in Central Asia.. Run. Run for the hills.

iLoveFoood · 30/12/2018 04:29

What a horrible fucker op

It's shocking how people can put on such an act

I'm so sorry Xmas SadThanks

Harmonyrays · 30/12/2018 05:34

Just RTFT, you are well rid. Keep strong and look after yourself and little ones.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2018 05:45

I just can't believe how nasty and deceitful he's been to not only you but his children as well!
Let's hope his dick festers and falls off. Bastard Angry
Sending best wishes to you and your children though x Thanks

Lofari · 30/12/2018 05:55

You're coping so well OP.
Some people in this earth truly astound me with how little fucks they give about others and he is definitely one of them.
Needs a swift kick in the balls.

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 06:13

I only hope there is not too much debt.
Have you spoken to your lawyer about this?

pollypocket85 · 30/12/2018 06:18

I agree with all the posts about you needing to confront him now. I appreciate you want to speak to your lawyer again but it's just seems you are putting off the inevitable. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think for your own sanity you need to get it out in the open! The longer the delay the more he is financially ruining you with his debts!

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 30/12/2018 06:25

Curious when is he due back from his mother's? Does he know that you know he's left you overdrawn? What was his excuse for that? If you don't want to show you're hand just yet then surely it would be reasonable for you to demand he tells you about your finances?

whynot93 · 30/12/2018 07:57

@curiouscat74 hey just checking in on you. I totally get where you are coming from. You know really this man is just a vile liar and now you've also found out his mother is in on it which I'm sure hurts even more!

Not much you can do right now, I'm sure he's hiding away at the safety of his mothers.. cowardly!! Anyway focus on the fact this father thought it was ok to leave his children at Christmas and go and have fun spending your family money with some OW... that's not on! Also take comfort in the fact when the OW realises he has feck all she'll dump his sorry ass and he'll have nothing.

Keep strong, write down 5 positive thing for you and your future and stay civil and focused! Hugs x

SymphonyofShadows · 30/12/2018 11:30

I’ve read the thread and I don’t understand why you are being so passive about the money. For all you know he could have remortgaged the house. Please start safeguarding your joint assets now before he ruins you.

CatAndHisKit · 30/12/2018 20:55

Sanity eh? what's it got to do with Central Asia? Ukraine is between Russia and Poland, Hungary etc.
It's really nothing to do with location anyway, he's just been a lying cheat for who knows how long, and now gone into a full-on sex obsession.

Maelstrop · 30/12/2018 22:55

Don't move out, you're married and you're entitled to stay in the house. Do you have any assets you could sell- jewellery? Just to keep you going? See if you can get him to transfer money before you confront him.

Spamfrittersforeveryone · 31/12/2018 05:32

Oh I know it’s not what you’re meant to do, but I would steal his phone and get it jail broken. And then I’d change the front door locks. And he could come after me in court for both tbh.

springydaff · 01/01/2019 22:52

Well, I DO understand how you've allowed, and are allowing, this to happen. I've been in a relationship - actually, marriage - not dissimilar to this and it's shocking how brainwashed you become. It's all very well to stand on the outside and just not understand how anyone could get like this but it's sadly all too easy when you get within the orbit of an abuser. They kind of jam your brainwaves somehow.

So DON'T be feeling any shame about how you've ended up like this. It says everything about him that this is how things are. When you break from him the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll find it hard to believe you allowed it all to happen. DON'T do that to yourself. The techniques abusers use, have an extraordinary capacity for, are very sophisticated mind control techniques, whether they realise they're doing it or not.

I'm not saying you don't have stuff to learn from this experience and stuff to do but it truly is NOT that you are a passive dolt. It's that you came within the orbit of, got mashed up by, an abuser Flowers

curiouscat74 · 01/01/2019 23:39

Thank you for your kind words and springydaff in particular. Obviously he stayed at his 'mums' for new year but probably not he is yet to return home. I am speaking to my lawyer tomorrow about trying to freeze the assets. And hopefully get some sort of court order to keep him out of the house as I think he will go nuts if I stop the money. I have to though or there will be nothing. I think he is having a total mental breakdown.

OP posts:
Ediemccreedy · 04/01/2019 09:50

Hope the solicitor can offer some guidance. What a terrible upheaval of your whole life.

whynot93 · 04/01/2019 10:42

How are you now? Hope you've been given some answers! 💐

Littlehelper101 · 05/01/2019 22:46

Any updates hope all is ok xxx

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