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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you make of this?

219 replies

curiouscat74 · 23/11/2018 11:04

My DH travels a lot for work, mainly Europe and Russia. Recently he has made several trips to the Ukraine. I thought nothing of it but on one trip he said that he was in Paris but I found luggage's tags in the bin that were for those dates and from Kiev. I was a bit suspicious. One of his work notebooks was lying around and so I had a little flick through. There was a woman's name with 'not exclusive' and 'STD' underneath. Also '£10k'. He has his own bank account so I cannot look at his spending. He has never given me any reason to think he has cheated on the past. In other bits in the book there are some references to sex with hotel names and reminders to pick up viagra. In another bit there are dates and what could be amounts of money, hundreds. I am obviously devastated. We have children and have been together for years. Would you think from this that he is using a prostitute or could it be a work colleague. It is those words under her name that make me think it is a prostitute, and the sums of money. I am in shock and not sure what to do. Apart from being so upset at the betrayal we are not by any means wealthy enough for this kind of spending!!!! What should I do?

OP posts:
Ovendoor · 28/12/2018 16:15

I'm so sorry OP. This is really painful reading.

Good luck for later x

HappyBumbleBee · 28/12/2018 18:20

Sending you strength love and hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this - and for him to waltz in and then back out, what an absolute sh#t bag!! You are going to have to be so strong, as you already have been, but confronting him will be tough. I suspect by this stage for you though it will hopefully be a weight lifted and you can stay working on the rest of your life and yours and your dc's happiness (something he obviously doesn't care about).
Take strength from your support both here and your family.
Wishing you well sweetheart xxx

Grannyannex · 28/12/2018 18:32

Good luck op

Original poster
curiouscat74 · 28/12/2018 23:55

He came in at about 7 and said he was going to see his mum and stay over (she is not local). We are due there for lunch tomorrow, I was hoping to avoid it but will go now with the children. He is avoiding me for sure. He knows this is coming. His mum is not well so I can't say anything to her, it is not fair. I am desperate to change the locks but can't and he has left us hideously overdrawn. I hate him so much.

OP posts:
GoldenSyrupLion · 29/12/2018 00:17

Dont go to his mum's.

HettieBettie · 29/12/2018 00:37

You sound like a bloody great person OP

Fuck him.

Hang on in there xFlowers

MsDogLady · 29/12/2018 00:58

Since he is actively avoiding being alone with you, can you text him at his mother’s, telling him that you know?

LMDC · 29/12/2018 01:00

I am so sorry you're going through this OP. Your children are so lucky to have you. Flowers

Weenurse · 29/12/2018 04:40

Good luck

chickydoo · 29/12/2018 05:34

Hope the 'talk' goes well Op good luck

whynot93 · 29/12/2018 06:15

I'd be going there and having it out in front of his mother! He's hiding away because he knows he's been rumbled. What a complete arse!!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/12/2018 06:33

OP I've just read this thread. No real advice except to say do not fall.for any bullshit story he gives you.

I'm.so sorry you're going through this.

rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2018 06:47

What an absolute arse. A cowardly arse at that.
Let him go to his mother. Tell him to bloody stay there

Jazzhan · 29/12/2018 06:53

Have you spoken to him yet or are you waiting until you speak to the solicitor again?
It certainly reads like he has another woman.

Changedname3456 · 29/12/2018 08:43

He’s clearly aware that you know. What a bastard.

I think you need to get your own account open ASAP and freeze the joint one (and any others/CC’s etc) where you may be jointly liable. The bank(s) will freeze joint accounts on a single holder’s request but won’t close them without both signatures. You can also place a note on your credit file and seek to separate your credit profile (it’ll be linked to his) in case he goes on a credit spree in joint names.

Have you got anything portable you can sell in the short term? Nice TV, Xbox etc? Preferably “his” stuff bought as family items? Get it pawned so you’ve got cash, if you need it.

Hezz · 29/12/2018 09:52

You've got this OP.

What an absolute prick

winecigsandchoc · 29/12/2018 10:16

Start selling stuff, give the cash to a trusted friend or your brother. Drop all his (non valuable) stuff at his mothers. Tell him if he puts one toe over the threshold you will be singing like a canary to his mum, friends, EVERYONE about his perversion.

Call bank. Get yourself taken off the overdrawn account. Leave as much debt as possible in his name. Consider getting a lodger for the spare room. Make GP appointment for your mental health. Consider making poppet of DH and stick pins in it.

bethy15 · 29/12/2018 11:33

OK, I may seem a little blunt here, but you really need to do something and now.

Your thread started a month ago, you still haven't spoken to him, in that time (all while you knew he's spending so much money) you haven't done anything, he's fucked off abroad and increased your debt.

You're not doing anything, and he's getting away with murder here, and racking up debts that you'll be responsible for too. Also, you're credit score may drop, and you may need a good one should you have to rent somewhere for you and your DC down the line.

You now need to be more proactive and stop standing by the sidelines and allowing him to behave like this and get away with it.

Teensandfuture · 29/12/2018 11:59

What betty said!
Stop hiding your head in the sand and act now.
Tell him to stop spending money you don't have and remove yourself from joined accounts.

Threaten to tell his sick mother if he doesn't get his act together - then it will be on his conscience not yours.

serenawren · 29/12/2018 12:11

My first thought was pimp...

TatianaLarina · 29/12/2018 12:46

I think pimp is highly unlikely. Far more likely that he has a ongoing setup with one particular woman/prostitute in a mistress/kept woman scenario.

bethy15 · 29/12/2018 12:47

Oh, and don't go to his mothers lunch.

And you say you can't change the locks, why? Of course you can, but now it's harder, you should have done that while he fucked off and left you and the kids alone over Xmas to be with his prostitute.

Honestly, you are being far too accepting of his behaviours. He's treating you like crap, time you treated him the same, not pander to him and have lunch with him and his mother and let him off the hook for all of this.

Diamondlight · 29/12/2018 12:59

Your being far to nice, I sure as hell wouldn't be keeping his little secret, I'd be making sure everyone knows how much of a sleazy twat he is. Not to mention how he left his children and wife at Christmas to shag a prostitute.

KeepCalm · 29/12/2018 13:02

Good god @curiouscat74 I can't understand why you don't have ALL his shit in. Bonfire on the front lawn after selling anything valuable.

bobstersmum · 29/12/2018 13:07

I am not saying this thread is made up, but it sounds unbelievable! It's crazy the life he's been living, it's like something out of a TV drama. I'm so sorry you're in this situation op. Do you have any big strong male relatives who could come and kick him out for you? He sounds a loose cannon, tread careful when tackling him.

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