What would you make of this?

[curiouscat74]

My DH travels a lot for work, mainly Europe and Russia. Recently he has made several trips to the Ukraine. I thought nothing of it but on one trip he said that he was in Paris but I found luggage's tags in the bin that were for those dates and from Kiev. I was a bit suspicious. One of his work notebooks was lying around and so I had a little flick through. There was a woman's name with 'not exclusive' and 'STD' underneath. Also '£10k'. He has his own bank account so I cannot look at his spending. He has never given me any reason to think he has cheated on the past. In other bits in the book there are some references to sex with hotel names and reminders to pick up viagra. In another bit there are dates and what could be amounts of money, hundreds. I am obviously devastated. We have children and have been together for years. Would you think from this that he is using a prostitute or could it be a work colleague. It is those words under her name that make me think it is a prostitute, and the sums of money. I am in shock and not sure what to do. Apart from being so upset at the betrayal we are not by any means wealthy enough for this kind of spending!!!! What should I do?

Hello read through this thread and so sorry for you OP. You’ve had good advice above - you sound a very sensible strong woman and its totally not your fault. What an idiot he is. Wishing you well for the future

Just to mention re card numbers, if he uses Apple Pay at all it comes up with a different 3 numbers, even if it’s the same card

How are you OP? I hope you're doing ok xx

Like, how dumb is he? A fucking note book

I am still here and have seen a lawyer. I have found evidence of more purchases of underwear (£££) this week but he has not been on another trip, yet. I think he must have someone here too. He was out most nights this week. I found the side effects literature for viagra in our wheelie bin, just on lying on top with some rubbish in a bag from a hotel, sim card packaging from the Ukraine and a post it note listing jobs to do including getting viagra, and 'tinder'. He is an idiot. I am just trying to find out as much as I can at the moment. I am not sleeping with him. And I have been to the doctor and told him everything. I am heart broken, disgusted and will tell him soon.

From what the lawyer has said I will have to move, I think I will be financially much worse off and have the devastation of sharing the children with him. I am going to have to put on a brave face for the children. It all sounds like my life is going to be dramatically different. I know he is atotsl shit and I don't want to be with him. But I am very afraid of going through the divorce and ripping our lives apart. I think he will fight me for everything. He is the kind of man who won't want me to have anything if I leave him. He is going to want to punish me and will probably do that financially and with the children.?

Your lawyer's job is to advise of the bleak and harsh reality, not the emotional side. But she is right. You will be worse off financially, will need to get a job if a SAHM, will need to share custody of the children etc. I was surprised she said you would have to leave the home. Why was that?

BUT can you imagine when he knows you know and aren't leaving? It will be his green card to do whatever he chooses in front of you. It will be disgusting.

I'd rather have £1000 in my back account that is mine, than live in luxury with no independent means with such a man.

Have you spoken to his yet?

How are you OP? I'm so sorry this has happened, he's a stupid brazen bastard who can't even clean up his (disgusting) tracks!

If it helps I would 100% leave him if me in that situation, I hope you are you children are doing okay.❤️

I’m it sure what further evidence you need now OP. It is quite clear the man has no morals and is willing to risk your health and your marriage for sex. He isn’t the kind man you married and had kids with. He has changed. A divorce isn’t that bad. You will get tax credits and if he earns that kind of money where he can pay £’000 S for sex he will have to pay child maintenance. If you are a SAHP you will eventually have to work but he will have to help with childcare or help to pay for child minder. Whatever it will be much better than living with this man who isn’t the man you married and can never be now I’m afraid. I’m sorry OP some people are shits.

Wow am gobsmacked at his stupidity,
By that I mean what he has done in the first place and his carelessness at concealing the evidence. It's almost like he wants to be found out. What a total shit he is op, you and your children deserve better

Morning, just read this thread and I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

Re the legal advice about you leaving the home, was this because you’re not married and your name isn’t on the deeds?

I wasn’t sure if you’re a SAHM or not and maybe having to rely on him financially. If so, you could be canny with Christmas coming up and get as much money out of him as possible to ensure you can afford a rent deposit and first month or so, so that you’re in a stronger position. I have read some threads on here about women having a secret leaving account, which they use to save up and be in a stronger financial position when they make the decision to go.

If you are married or name is on the deeds, I don’t believe you should leave the home. An idea may be that the next trip he goes on you pack his stuff and send it to his parents for his return. Don’t change the locks!

What a total total shit. Op you are very brave

This is very odd and only the richest men would consider throwing ten grand on a hooker,

So the only explanation if it's real is he traffics women or is involved in prostitution but as a pimp. Doesn't mean he's not having sex with them too.

But past that it's bonkers.

You poor thing, your whole world has been blown apart and I really feel for you. I have been through something similar, although yours seems a whole lot worse. I can completely identify with the total shock of finding evidence and discovering that the dp you trusted has been seeing other women for sex. It is mind blowing that they would leave such evidence lying around in the family home showing a complete disregard for your intelligence and that you would never find or bother to look, it is so insulting. My ex used to keep all his work files in our little office at home, why would I ever need or think to go through any of these? He actually left as we had been going through a rough patch and what did he leave behind? All the evidence that he had been seeing other women. I opened these files and came across one which held all the business receipts, I was dumb struck to discover loads of them for expensive boutique hotels in various parts of the country, rooms booked for 2, meals, drinks and room service. He regularly used to stay away one night a week with work and I assumed work was paying for a Travel lodge, not a £695 a night room. I added it all up and he had spent thousands of our money funding his affair or affairs. We are now divorced and yes I got tested for STD's which thank god were clear.

Thank you all.

I can't believe he is so stupid. I don't think he is running a prostitution ring. I think he is burning through our savings. We had savings in both names and so I do have some money in my name but as I understand it this is all the marital pot and so I declare what I have saved, and he will have nothing left due to his buying the type of underwear where thongs are £85 and staying in expensive hotels. Just like you say crimsonlake I have thought he was staying in Travelodges not boutique hotels featured in Mr and Mrs Smith.

As for the divorce situation, I am a SAHM and didn't have a high paid job before we married. My earning potential is low at best. He is a big earner but as I think I said previously he has been very cunning with his money. I am sure he will plead total poverty. His family are also wealthy whereas mine are not and so he will probably be bailed out by them if needed. I get the impression his mother doesn't like me so I don't see them being very helpful.

I can't decide whether to confront him before Christmas. I would love him to go immediately but I can't quite face doing it to the children until Christmas is over.

(I do wonder if I have got it all wrong. Maybe it is work related stuff. Maybe the sums of money are something to do with work. But the underwear, the hotels and the words 'not exclusive' and 'jealousy sex' it is just too evident isn't it? I think I am just hoping I am wrong. But I am not am I. And I am better off without him. Such a huge weight at the moment.)

How are you doing OP? Have just read your post and you have been very strong and level headed through this nightmare. No immediate screaming confrontations - you've done some digging and gathered evidence and planned objectively - which must be so hard to do with coping with the emotions that come with a betrayal like this. You have definately made the best start in dealing with this by seeing a solicitor. Considering he is burning through your savings it might be a good idea to keep a copy of all bank spendings etc. Do you have joint accounts? I'd be asking the solicitor about potential problems with his spending when he is finally confronted - it's always a risk he will start draining the savings etc just so you don't get fair settlement. Maybe thrash this out with solicitor before letting husband know the game is up.

Unfortunately you haven’t got it all wrong I’m afraid but it is only natural to want to look for an innocent explanation as the thought of the truth and the future is so daunting.Just wanted to say it is not your fault,as a pp said ‘fuck prostitiue’ is not on the list of how to respond when your wife has had a traumatic birth and the second slows down.Also you are not ‘ripping the family apart’-it was him who did that.If it were me I don’t think I would be able to fake it over Christmas but I do understand with it being so close if you wanted to have one last family Christmas.Good luck with everything and remember you and the kids deserve so much better xx

I have read through from the beginning and sadly I don't see any other explanation I'm afraid. I suspect there is someone now in the U.K. who he's financing to. My Vile H (sorry can't call him dear) was basically keeping another woman half his age in a furnished high end apartment and holidays for over a year and I suspected nothing! We are still together and he knows I know everything now and I have zero respect for him.. but like you without him I'd have very little so I'm just sitting back taking the guilt cash until I'm ready to take his sorry arse to the cleaners. You need to get a plan b together for your own sanity, think about how you might support yourself once he's gone. Gather all evidence relating to pensions, assets and bank accounts. Print off statements back dated as far as you can see.. my solicitor has said this info is key as he's likely to hide just how much of the family money has been spent. Become a very good detective and write it all down. I know this is horrid but you have to become tough and fight your corner. Remember if someone can do this to you they are not worth having in your life! Keep strong xx

Whynot93 - gosh that is so hard to know and stay. I do understand though, it is very easy for people to say LTB but it is hard when faced with such a life upheaval. I am by nature a people pleaser, I think I am going to have to summon up all my strength and go against the grain so majorly to actually leave. Part of me wonders if I can just trundle along and leave him to his sorid other life but then another part of me yells, "no, don't put up with it. Get out and find a new man who wants me not Ukrainian hookers."

Part of me wonders if he leaving this stuff around is him wanting me to be the one to end it and then he can be the victim. Would I tell everyone we know what he has been up to? Do I want that to ever get back to our children. So many questions that no one can answer but me. I can't think about anything else.

I totally get how you are feeling! I have threatened my husband many times in the last year about telling his wonderful mother who thinks so so much of him what a vile dishonest man he has been she'd be horrified.. I think she has some idea and I believe her very own oh so dear husband played a similar trick on her two (also worked away..). At least you're not alone. You do whatever feels right for you. I'm sitting back being kind and considerate for the sake of my sanity and the financial security of my children. When the time is right I'll sing like a canary about his sorry ass and take what's owed and more.

what a total arse of the highest order. Have a good snoop and photocopy any bank stuff etc when he is out. It’s very hard OP not letting on when you know stuff , a very big hug x

There will unfortunately be so much more to this. Get yourself together, and make a plan. Get some supportive friends around you. And don't believe another word he tells you.

Thank you everyone.

bullyingadvice2017 When I spoke to the lawyer about options we were talking about being reasonable and expectations. I told her that he has lied so much I literally can't believe a words that comes out of his mouth.

That's what happens and then you lose all respect for them as you can't believe or trust them. And then they tell you yet more bullshit and honestly expect you to believe it and get upset when you don't. ...Fucks sake knobhead, what did you expect!!

Got rid of mine a year ago, am enjoying Christmas decorations without him sulking this year! Life is good! Hope yours can be too!