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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you make of this?

219 replies

curiouscat74 · 23/11/2018 11:04

My DH travels a lot for work, mainly Europe and Russia. Recently he has made several trips to the Ukraine. I thought nothing of it but on one trip he said that he was in Paris but I found luggage's tags in the bin that were for those dates and from Kiev. I was a bit suspicious. One of his work notebooks was lying around and so I had a little flick through. There was a woman's name with 'not exclusive' and 'STD' underneath. Also '£10k'. He has his own bank account so I cannot look at his spending. He has never given me any reason to think he has cheated on the past. In other bits in the book there are some references to sex with hotel names and reminders to pick up viagra. In another bit there are dates and what could be amounts of money, hundreds. I am obviously devastated. We have children and have been together for years. Would you think from this that he is using a prostitute or could it be a work colleague. It is those words under her name that make me think it is a prostitute, and the sums of money. I am in shock and not sure what to do. Apart from being so upset at the betrayal we are not by any means wealthy enough for this kind of spending!!!! What should I do?

OP posts:
Jesca · 23/12/2018 12:58

UGH. My heart bleeds for you OP. But what makes me comment is not just that.
In a weird flip of fate, I am Ukrainian - married to a cheat of a Brit...
My story is beside the point for now, I might make my own thread later. What I want to say is:

In case you have ever felt (or ever feel) ashamed for your choice of a life partner /kids' father:
NO shame in it. Whatsoever. You got married for genuine reasons. And your SH may well have been genuine, too. At THAT moment.
But there is no way of spotting an internally broken individual - until they have a shift in priorities, and start acting on it.

IMHO, this is what defines a broken person. Fragile values and unstable priorities that shift easily. Plus the ability to find "justifications" for their action (and pour them onto partner as blameshifting. Might not be your case, but definitely mine).

Need to say - by "broken" I do not mean "crap in their essence". However, such people are lacking something...important. And thus, are much more likely to create crap for YOU.
I have one like this here. I never thought he was. Until now.

Please hang in there. I will repeat after other posters - protect yourself, protect the kids. Know where you are financially and legally. Save evidence. Have a plan. Enjoy quality time with the kids - and may it bring you energy and strength for later. For you are in for a fight.

Hugs to you.

Teensandfuture · 23/12/2018 13:09

OP
You can mesage me privately , we can talk further and maybe come up with a plan to stop this or improve situation

curiouscat74 · 23/12/2018 22:55

DiveBombingSeagull - I have stopped his joint card on my account but he has others.

I don't want him to come back to the house but I know that he perfectly entitled to. To be honest although I have been in shock this week, and ill, it has been so nice.

Does anyone know if you can see If your partner is on tinder?

OP posts:
curiouscat74 · 23/12/2018 23:00

Teensandfuture - I don't know how to private message someone on mumsnet.

Thank you all for you support. It is so great having this.

OP posts:
Dowser · 23/12/2018 23:09

The night before my piece of doo doo was flying to Kiev for work and When my marriage was going pear shaped and I really couldn’t give a flying fuck what he was up to by this point, he went to bed early. And I went to the main computer and typed Kiev , weather

What came up was Kiev prostitutes. Yes while I’d been chatting to daughter and son in law in bottom half of the lounge ...he was looking for his next fix.

I just thought get on with it matey.

So sorry to hear you’re going through this. I reckon my exh used prostitutes throughout a lot of our marriage .

Travelling away like he did on work trips gave him the perfect excuse.

curiouscat74 · 23/12/2018 23:18

Downer - yes he has always travelled. We don't share a computer so I could never see. I think he does everything on his phone.

Do they book the prostitutes online then? I am so naive.

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 23/12/2018 23:32

I've just RTFT and I'm so sorry for what you're going through!
He is an utter shit bag and you deserve so much better.

You are so strong and you are handling this all so well. Your children are so lucky to have you xxx

curiouscat74 · 23/12/2018 23:42

Mrstobe90 - Thank you. Middle child was crying in bed tonight because daddy is not going to be home for Christmas. I cannot believe that he has done this. So painful to see the children upset. The oldest has said he doesn't care.

OP posts:
NightOwlHoney · 24/12/2018 00:17

Another here feeling so sad for you and your DC and outraged at your absolute cunt of a DH. You sound like you are made of strong stuff though OP. How shit that you're having to deal with this over Christmas, but just keep on keeping on. This time next year, you will be so much happier, I promise.

Weenurse · 24/12/2018 04:26

Better off without him. Pity you can’t tell the children why

whynot93 · 24/12/2018 08:09

Such a vile thing to do at Christmas! You really are better off without him. Ideally get hold of his phone when he does return home.. in privacy you could access keychain passwords which would open a whole new world of info. That's what I did and boy oh boy I found out some serious shit. Hugs to you all, I know this feeling so well. This time last Christmas I was a complete wreck and I promise you it gets better 😘

trojanpony · 24/12/2018 08:55

It’s actually quite telling your oldest doesn’t care. They are probably more aware daddy has mentally checked out/ isn’t that interested.

Do think about moving the cash from the joint and personal.
while it’s frowned upon on mumsnet once you’ve had “the chat” I’d think about changing the locks so he can’t come and go as he pleases. (A solicitor will tell you he has equal rights but it practice a lot of people do change locks)

SarahBeeney · 25/12/2018 00:59

What a total arsehole!

Hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas Day with your children and family OP Thanks

pudding21 · 25/12/2018 07:56

Op about tinder, if you want to find out if he is on there set up an account with your e-mail address, leave pic blank and change your name and age. Then search men in his age range in your area. If he’s away though and updated his app to his new location he might not be On there now.

He’s a shit of the highest order, you deserve better. X

beanaseireann · 26/12/2018 10:38

OP I hope you got through Christmas Day ok. What a horrible husband and father.

moggles1234 · 26/12/2018 16:56

Flowers xxx

MilkshakeMonkey · 27/12/2018 09:30

What an amazing woman you are Flowers getting your family through Christmas must have been incredibly hard. He is a shit of epic proportions.
This was the hardest Christmas and you are coming out the other side. Next Christmas will be so much better.
As others have said move what money you can and maybe accidentally loose your key so you have to change the locks. I would personally pack up his stuff and send to his family/office/friends.

I doubt you will ever know the full extent of his actions and searching Tinder/dating sites won’t give all the answers. Focus your energy on you and your family instead

nc555666666 · 27/12/2018 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nc555666666 · 27/12/2018 10:33

So sorry wrong place, have asked to be removed

curiouscat74 · 28/12/2018 00:28

MilkshakeMonkey - I was just about to download tinder and try to see if he is using the app but after reading what you said I think best left alone. You are right I will never know.

Many of you said about moving money but being the absolute shit he is we went through our overdraft limit today. He put just enough in it to reign it in.

He is due back tomorrow. I am going to have the chat.

OP posts:
AnxiousMama101 · 28/12/2018 00:45

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow's chat with him. You deserve much better OPThanks

Bobbiepin · 28/12/2018 00:46

Good luck OP Flowers Wine

whynot93 · 28/12/2018 06:17

Was wondering how you were @curiouscat74 .. sounds all too familiar to me sadly.! Be brave and stand your ground this man needs telling where to go. I hope you had an OK Christmas xx

curiouscat74 · 28/12/2018 14:31

Thank you Whynot93, I think about you too.

I hope to have the chat later. He came back as if nothing had happened. Obviously he is out at the moment.

OP posts:
whynot93 · 28/12/2018 15:02

Wow the actual cheek is astounding isn't it. Keep your cool it's all you can do really. Vile man. And people wonder why us poor wives take the deckers to the cleaners.! Hugs x

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