Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Reading everyone's posts, still here!
I've been on the smitten bench for 9 mths, on and off, lol
Mr Wow and I have resolved a lot of our issues, especially since my STBX left the country. I'm a lot more relaxed now.
But, and there is always a but, how should I feel at this point?
I really like him, care about him, think about him constantly, sex is still fantastic and can't see that stopping. We fit.
Why can't I say/feel that I love him? Is this normal? He's the same tho.
I've pushed him to clarify how he feels and he's said that if loving someone is ........ then yes I do. He's not asked me how I feel about him, is that telling?
Hardly Mills & Bloom is it!!!

too old for this

I don't think there is anyway you should feel.
Do you feel happy? Content? If not then otherwise you might want to hold out for the in love euphoria.

I have been in love twice and while it was amazing - that feeling I think stopped me seeing all the red flags. I ended staying in crappy relationships longer than I should have because of the way I felt at the beginning

If it works it works for you 😊

push I think it's good you are having an honest chat about it. It would just eat you up otherwise.

I read people as a part of my job, but I've found it too hard to do this in OLD. everyone has their cards close to their chest.

I'm the type of person if I like them I like them. I wanna meet them go a quick drink see how things pan out.

Even for alot of men that seems the impossible!

pretty sure I have answered a post from a previous thread... Yes I am sleep deprived!

Hi there

I have an OLD question I could do with some help with!

I'm supposed to be meeting a guy from OLD on Saturday night. We've had a couple of weeks of good chat about standard day to day stuff. He's polite, chatty etc. We're both early 30s.

However, He's been edging towards talking about sexual stuff - whilst saying- hope you don't mind me thinking about you in that way, just think you're really attractive and keep looking at your pics.

I'm now not sure whether to meet him. I'm not into sexting with someone I don't know.

I don't think he is after a ONS. I just also am a bit freaked out. And confused because he has been quite respectful but also edging towards sexting.

Wwyd? Should I cancel ? I'm dating with a view to a relationship and feel this doesn't seem like it's going in the right direction... or is it just extreme flirting?

@101trees - I don't think there is any harm in still meeting him but yeah, the sexting before meeting or DTD would put me off also. On the one hand it could be his clumsy way of saying he finds you attractive but on the other, it could be he is making his intentions clear.
Hopefully meeting up with him will put you in a better position to judge.

Morning all. Glad to hear the dates are going well and rich yours sounds amazing!

Well Mr Disappearing has had an awful family tragedy (which I know is true) but it leaves me again in a difficult place. There is no way he will have time to see me so our dates won't happen (they were supposed to happen this weekend) and I have a decision to make. He is talking to me and apologising for not being able to see me but he's talking sporadically.

Ideally I would like to be open and say look you're obviously not in the right place and have a lot of shit to sort out so I'm going back OLD but I also feel if the reverse situation happened and I was still reaching out to a bloke and I had been through a tragedy that would be a big kick in the teeth.

I'm too busy to see anyone till after next weekend now anyway so what I was thinking of doing is leaving it till after next weekend? And if he hasn't made a plan to see me after that then saying what I've outlined above?

Does that seem reasonable? I hate being unkind....

And leigh well done for getting on bumble!

Thanks TooOldforThis.

I guess that's the thing. I'm finding it hard to work out his intentions. I said something which he mistakenly took to mean I was up for sex on the first date and he was shocked by it and seemed a bit put off. Yet he wants to sext?

I don't want to go along to something where in going to have to fend off unwanted advances, but I would quite like to go on the date... I'm curious.

And I have a terrible history of talking myself out of people before giving them a chance.

I guess I just wondered what other's experience of sexters on OLD is... collective experience and all That!

@101trees I always made it clear to people that sex talk before meeting was boring as fuck so not to attempt it. It even stated it in my profile
I'd still say go meet him though as like another poster said it may just be his clumsy way of saying he finds you attractive and if you're getting good vibes otherwise, give him a shot

I know what you mean shit - the problem is when we left it, we were both off the apps. We're the same age and quite close geographically so chances are, if I go back on, someone will see it and tell him and I'm just not sure that's fair till I've told him I'm doing it. I went on tinder for one day when he didn't turn up after the last date and 4 people I know saw me fgs! So I've left my profile on but hidden for the time being....

I think it's probably fair to wait till after next weekend. Even with stuff going wrong, I'd expect in the course of almost 2 weeks, I'd know whether it's a goer or not.

he could be completely mucking me around but I am one of those people that just cannot live with myself if I feel I'm being hurtful to someone else, so I just need to define the boundaries with him so that even if he's mucking me around, I've only really wasted (another) 2 weeks if that makes sense

Daffo you and Mr Disappearing seem to have had some honest chats in the past. Your plan to give him space for a little while sounds good but he can't expect you to wait around forever for him. Could you just be friends with him until he sorts himself out?

101trees have you told him you don't like the sex talk? I'd make it clear that he needs to stop or you'll reconsider meeting him. But I agree with others, often men use it because they don't know what else to say.

shitwith if you don't want to see him again then just say - I had a nice evening but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck.
I'm with you on that body type. And it would put me off if he was different to his photos.

I agree oldbrain but I just don't know how to have this conversation with him now. I was planning on speaking to him about this when we saw each other but now we won't for ages and I just don't feel I can do that to him over text while he's going through such a hard time. I know it's totally not ideal for me but it just doesn't seem right :(.

I do think in 2 weeks time if I haven't heard anything from him, then I will have to have the conversation...

I mean haven't heard anything about setting up dates etc.

Daffo... your plan is good, but, just to stir the pot... what will you do if he does get in touch and organise a date? Resume as normal? (I have no opinion on whether that is the right thing to do or not, I just find it best to have all eventualities covered when I make a plan!).

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's very helpful to have opinions from others who have done OLD as everyone I know is long term married!

MyOldBrain you are right, I haven't expressly said not to, I've probably been a little coy about it. Any idea how to phrase it in a nice but clear way?? I'm not good at this type of thing!

@101trees - so, I think that most men, when they start speaking to you start trying to test you in all sorts of ways to see what you are (and not!) willing to engage in..... This includes suggestive comments, broaching the subject of sexting etc.

Sometimes the reasons for this are obvious - i.e.) they are looking to get off on it. But this should always be your opportunity to communicate what you are prepared to tolerate and what you are not.

You don't have to be spiky, aggressive or rude about it. But pull him up on it in a way that he knows that it is not ok, and he needs to rein it in......

If he is making you feel uncomfortable - tell him this, say it's not really how you roll, especially before you have not met someone in person. If he has any level of respect for you he'll probably apologise and try and stop himself from mentioning this again until you've met -. If he continues to push you into trying to do something you're not comfortable with.

LET HIM GO.

The moment you start communicating your standards with a man, the quicker you weed out the wheat from the chaff (believe me there is plenty 😂🤣),. And spend time investing in people who are genuine and worth your time.

💖👑💖

@101trees - here's an example of my own... Feel free to use it

Man - [insert suggestive comment here/suggestion of phone sex/sexting]

You - "this kind of thing really isn't for me before I've met someone you know, I'd prefer if you didn't mention this again....."

Man - you'll probably get something along the lines of "a man has needs/I find you really attractive"

You - "I'm flattered that you find me attractive, I really do. But continually lowering the tone is a bit of a turn off for me, especially before we've met in person. Let's change the subject"

101 it's a good point but I think my plan would be to see him and have an honest chat with him about where we are going and whether we continue it or just let it cool (in which case I'd go back to OLD). I just don't feel having that sort of dialogue on text is right given the current circumstances. The issue I would have is if he set something up and cancelled. I think in those circumstances, I would have the conversation over text or a call.

It is a tricky one....mainly because he has been unreliable and I don't like that. But as my friends were saying to me, I have to stop making excuses for him. This time the excuse is valid but I am not sure the others were.

It is a tricky one @DaffoDeffo. If he hasn't been so flakey and messing you around for ages it would be different. I think your plan of waiting a week and then letting him know that you can't just wait for him to be ready is totally fair, and quite kind.

@TooOldForThis67 I don't think there is a right way to feel or act at this point in your relationship. If it's working well for both of you, then it's right regardless of whether you feel like you want to call it love or not.

Hey everyone, been catching up on everyone's news.

daffo, I think your plan is good. 2 weeks is nothing in the big scheme of things if he is the right one. At the same time, its good to give a timeframe in your own mind of how long you are willing to give it. You sound really kind and you're right if he's having a genuinely tough time, its kinder to have a chat face to face. I hate drama over text as well, makes me really anxious waiting for them to read/reply.

I'm with all of you on the sex chat before meeting! I'm guilty on letting MrMusic lead the conversation that way after we met and wish I hadn't. I've not let it go back down that route since. Not quite sure what to do about him, he's texting away but hasn't suggested date 3. I don't want to suggest date 3 as I'm not sure I even want to go on it. Thoughts? I've slowed the messaging right down so he's probably reading into it. I like the bloke to take the lead and show more interest in setting the dates up!

vixensixen I loved your post about communicating your standards to a man! Its so true. I really like knowing what I am doing and making plans. Not precious about firming up all the details but if someone wants to see you, they will book it in.

I've been having a little look on Bumble to get some more irons!

Had a decent date with the 37yr old this morn. He knows i'm not big on txting however after the date he bombarded me with several before I even got home. No sign of anything sexual. He must have got frustrated with my lack of replying as i then I got ' I have a nice long tongue'.

What on earth made him txt that? I nearly spat my yum yum out. I think I will pass
Mr rugby has second date tonight( changed from tomorrow) will see if he asks me any questions. He is picking me up. Not sure if I ask in for a coffee at end of night??! I've had a snog draught so might have to :)