Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I'm having difficulties with rule 3 we're about 5 weeks in but only one date, mainly because he's had flu. Hopefully we're meeting again this week. I'm starting to develop feelings 😱 it's quite scary and too soon. Can they be real at this stage? Do I need a slap?

@giggleshizz It's probably not much consolation but this kind of behaviour isn't limited to just women.

I'm a guy in my late 30's but have been OLD for almost a decade now and I too go through the exact same things - ghosting, being stood up, blocked and deleted for no reasons.

It can be soul destroying but you just have to try and develop a thick skin to it all.

giggleshizz Accepting that bad behaviour is unfortunately normal helps, it's definitely not you.

Hi, newb to old here so come to you folks for some protocol tips.

I was getting on brilliantly with a chap on OLD - bantering for hours every evening. Then a few days ago he says he's off out for the afternoon cycling and ...a big fat disappearing act since. I don't know whether to be concerned he may have fallen in a ditch or to think he's a twat.

Anyways, I'm learning - after a couple of days in a quandary I came down on the side of fuck him I'm not a paramedic anyway. Next!

So on to my query, do you keep a few chaps in a messaging loop or do you keep to say one or two so it's manageable?

Is it best to do a lot of online chatting before you meet or go straight to meeting after just a couple of messages?

Has anyone had success dating younger men - say 10 or 15 years younger?

Hello all thanks for the kind wishes! Think it was a combination of seeing my eldest (who has left home) and married friends telling me how hard it is when they leave plus the disappointment of Mr Disappearing.

Well Mr Disappearing appeared today to say hello. He confuses me no end. We didn't have much of a chat because we were too busy doing other things ahem.

I think he's simply in no place for a relationship - he hasn't said that to me but he just shows no signs of moving forward from when he disappeared last time. I think to cope with him I need to be seeing other people so he's not my only focus but of course I'm off the apps now so I can't really do that!

Lunch date with MrOld was a bit of a let down. I couldn't quite believe I was talking to the same person that I'd chatted on the phone to and messaged for 3 weeks. Conversation was stilted and awkward. Long gaps where I rabbited on about rubbish or we would have sat in silence. Had a very chaste peck on the lips and a hug which left me feeling nothing, other than, get me out of here. I ate a whole Terrys Chocolate orange with a cup of tea when I got home to help with the disappointment I've messaged him something nice saying a didn't think there was a spark between us, but I think he is lovely, handsome etc, and unfortunately one of the perils of OLD is that no matter how much you click online, if it doesn't happen when you meet each other it's hard to create something that isn't there.

indie in the words of my kids, he sounds a bit flakey. This is their favourite expression for Mr Disappearing ;). I think he's probably just not as interested at this stage as you are but I think this is very common at this early stage and you shouldn't let it put you off!

giggle it is hard when you get blocked but seriously, it says more about them than you and you have to remember that. It is also worth taking a break and going back to it with new eyes sometimes x

jesuis I now never let any chat go on for long without meeting. I've had too many of those and it's SO disappointing!

@SugarandVinegar

If you've not met and he's done a disappearing act then I wouldn't worry about it. If he is in a ditch then there's not much you can do and if not then he'd be in Touch if he wanted to

• When I was on OLD I had loads of messaging on the go to begin with but it does get quite hard to keep up to, I tried to keep to between 5-10 at a time
• I'd generally say meet sooner rather than later as there seem to be many guys who love the ego boost of talking to women but vanish into fairy dust when you suggest a date, better to weed them out early on! Saying that my now BF and I chatted daily for about a month before we actually met
• I'm 36 and he's 26 so yes to success with an age gap so far 🤷🏼‍♀️ we've been together about 4 months now

Another lesson learned @Deffo

Fortunately I didn't make the same mistake with MrAbs, 17 hours from first chat to DTD

First time posting so hope you don't mind a bit of a moan. Dating seems to have been taken to a whole new level of difficulty now that I have DC. Just wish I could get to the point of organising a date, let alone actually going on one.
Just don't know where I'm going wrong! I message first and ask questions and try and be enthusiastic but it just never gets past a couple of messages and it's getting more and more frustrating

Thanks @DaffoDeffo Id actually say he's more keen on me but I'm struggling with the fact he thought 'what's going on' when I didn't reply after 2 hrs but can't seem to see that I'm pissed off because it took him 2 days to reply!

And such a rubbish apology

I just don't think he has any idea and I do wonder if this is part of the reason he's still single.

Maybe your kids are right :-)

Hi. Thanks for the concern. It's lovely to know I have you guys if no one else!
I've been licking my wounds. Basically on Saturday, despite me saying I wasn't in the mood for company, he still came round. He thought he could cheer me up and got the hump when he couldn't. I had too much to drink. We ended up in bed and he said that I told him to bugger off, that sex was all he wanted. So he did. Nothing sinister I don't think. I have a terrible memory the morning after drinking but I know we didn't have sex iykwim.
I feel really sad basically. I'm lonely in the evenings but determined to go NC. Oddly though, I have a desire to go on OLD again, just for the chat. Who is going to be interested in a 51 yrs old who is grieving for her Dad, in the menopause and her ex has finally just left after an 18mth period of 'separation' but still living together!? It did my head in!
Thank you everyone for caring. xx

@JeSuisPrest, was that the first date with MrOld? Its soooo hard when you've been chatting for so long and then its a letdown. Quick turnaround but not always ideal!

I'm seeing my FWB this week, looking forward to that. He definitely stops me rushing into things with other people as itch gets scratched.

Thanks, @wishywashy6 you'd think the disappearing biker would have a bit
more about him than to just disappear - he's in his 60s fgs, shows twats come in all ages I suppose.

Your positive age gap story has given me the push I need - I'm just
going to jump in and see how it goes. Even though he has a masters and I have O an level I'm at a reckless age.

ha indie he does sound a bit hopeless. MrFridayNight has been on bumble for 4 years. When I met him the first time, he couldn't sit down and paced round his room for about 20 mins and every time I ate something, he ran around to pick up any crumbs off the floor! And he wonders why he's still single . I think sometimes people don't 'see' the things they do. Your bloke probably thinks he did nothing wrong! Argh! The lack of self awareness always worries me but I genuinely think a lot of blokes don't even start getting this till their 50s then it hits them like a train....

and it's International Men's Day today! So happy men's day to all the single men who are yet to discover how wonderful we all are!

@DaffoDeffo hes 54

indie there's no hope!

God I hope that's not true else what's the point!

Indie i am the same as you, I am texting my iron currently and he is a sparse texter at best and it gets me miffed!

I'm going to say though, this early on he owes you nothing. He doesn't have to explain why he doesn't text back.

It may be that he is not a texter, is talking to others, is trying not to over-invest who knows?

That's why the advice is to arrange a date as soon as you can.
Despite the non texting my iron wants to meet up again and we have arranged a date. Perhaps if things progress I will ask him about why he doesn't text, but at the beginning it's just the way it is.

... Still maddening though!

I was being slightly tongue in cheek :).

Are you going to give him a chance? I would point out the error in his ways though tbh.

yes it really is nothing till you've met. And as maddening as it is, it's just best to not even think about whether they are shit or not on texts till then! But bloody hell it's hard. And time consuming to meet too....

How do you all ask when you are going to see the other again without coming across as desperate? 😂 I want to see him, he doesn't like inviting himself round but don't want to seem as if I can't go 5 minutes or I'm always asking iykwim!

@coolcahuna Yes it was out first date. What a let down. Onwards and upwards. Seeing MrAbs on Thursday and Friday night now. He's a very welcome distraction

@Pushreset Just tell us - All I would like is a girl to tell me they want to see me again instead of having to go through the anxiety of do they/don't they.