Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

midcenturylegs I'm with you, I'm not planning to live with anyone until my children are grown up, its fab us 3. I lived with my last serious BF and it wasn't great for my kids, they still refer to it now. Our parenting styles were so different, my two found it hard to handle.

Yeah, I'm not sure what MrMusic thinks, we've only had 2 dates. No point telling your Mum about me if you're not going to set up another date. I'm responding slowly to texts, not feeling a penpal situation. I know Mr Ex is not helping my current train of thought.

Guys that are in their thirties and have yet to have a relationship last a year?
Is that a red flag?

I hope not, I've never had a relationship last longer than 8 months :(

Yeh but I still question why..

Travelled for work a lot in my 20s.

Not met the right one.

Wasn't particularly confident and low self-esteem when younger.
Lots of rejection.
Friendzoned more often than not.

Take your pick.

Definitely not a red flag unique if it's the only thing that has raised your eyebrows, just something to find out more about in the course of getting to know the person

you sound a really decent person richdeniro .

I think that, from the outside, it probably looks like I’ve done the classic make thing of starting a new relationship when one finishes (especially as I had to house share with ex for many months while the house sold and he wouldn’t let me tell any of the neighbours etc that we’d split up ). But I had known that the relationship was over for well over a year before I started dating (and it had been officially over for 6 months). In fact, I had always known that the question was when that relationship ended rather than if. I think I’d done all my processing and had felt like I was single (often like the single parent of 3 kids, rather than 2, one of whom was incredibly difficult and unpleasant) for years even inside the relationship.

Personally, despite my crappy decade with my ex, I don’t feel like I don’t want a husband. I think I probably do want that (this realisation has really surprised me) and would be very happy if this relationship gets there. But I’m not ‘settling’ for anything that doesn’t feel like an (unlikely and unimaginable) ‘if’ rather than a ‘when’ it ends. And which doesn’t make me feel properly happy. I’d much rather be single than unhappy in a relationship I know isn’t working and will not work.

I totally understand why so many women really do feel that they do not want a(nother) husband though. My mum has always refused to remarry after her divorce (nearly 30 years ago). She’s been with her partner for over 20 years and he’d love to marry her, but she’s not been up for it. She didn’t live with him properly until he retired about 4 years ago and always maintained her independence. I’m currently trying to persuade her just to marry him for inheritance tax purposes (and because it’d be an excuse for a party).

I think most people would question why someone in their 30s hasn’t had a significant relationship previously. But I agree it’s not necessarily a red flag (unless it’s accompanied by other clues). People may have had other priorities.

@unique1986 I don't necessarily think that in itself is a red flag.
One of my close friends (in her mid thirties) has just got engaged to a guy who's recently turned 50

He's never had a relationship for longer than a few months, he said he often gets asked 'what's wrong with him?' As he's never done the marriage and kids thing but he says he's just never found anyone he wanted to with until now, he's always felt any previous relationship has for in the way of how he wanted to live his life. Same case for my friend too
He's focused his life around his career, built up several businesses and travelled the world. My friend has always been similar in that she's never wanted to settle down, she spent most of her twenties travelling the globe and she has made her own fortune through her own business she developed while travelling

I think they've just found their match with each other. They live a pretty bonkers lifestyle (last year they decided to take a year out and travel round Europe in a camper van, this year they're doing an expedition to the North Pole) - stuff that most of us probably couldn't entertain doing even if we wanted to. Getting to Sainsbury's feels like an expedition to me with 2 kids in tow!!

I guess what I'm saying is that it's more to do with the reasons behind it, than the fact it's never happened IYSWIM

I think those 2 would have been happy single forever in all honesty, but when their paths crossed they just kinda worked 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not sure if that came out right.
I just think you sound a great guy :)
Mr rugby asking about Saturdays second date which I think I will still do.
When I thought he was at work I quickly went on pof as chatting to two others. I felt a little guilty.....and then he popped on! Made me feel better. Really going to try and not over invest on anyone at the moment

Hey all waves at the old guard/anyone who remembers me

Just a quick update as I’ve not been around for a while. Think my last date I mentioned here was Walter White; I’ve been on 3 more since then and am actually fanfare going on a second date at the weekend, assuming he doesn’t flake on me

We’re talking on the phone between though (it’s a tad long distance) and of all the dates I’ve been on this one actually passes The Looming Test. I KNOW; I wasn’t expecting it either

In fact the one before this (let’s call him Moby) and the one before him (Tom Baker) almost did too, so I’m either getting better at picking each time or just getting luckier. About fucking time, either way......
Moby seemed keen during and post date but then comms seriously dwindled, so after a week I said there was no momentum and wished him luck etc.
Tom Baker would leave days between messages (not at all good for a gobshite like me) so I just unmatched in the app but didn’t bother blocking on my phone as I thought that was that. Ten days after that he messaged me asking for a second date. Bizarre. And, um, no.

Current bloke (Mr Hopkins) said he’d like to see me again during the date and it didn’t feel pressured or weird so I’m taking that to be a very good sign. He seems respectful, self confident without being arrogant, is really interesting to talk to and actually asked questions about me during the date (fucking HELL, hold the front page )
I’m looking forward to seeing him again, which means the wheels are bound to come off at some point, but thought it merited a mention here to my fellow OLD-sufferers

Will try and read back a bit now and see what/whoyou’ve all been getting up to......

Thanks @user1466783975 :)

@wishywashy6
That sounds interesting.
Will keep an open mind. It's more that it could be a very casual relationship as if you are not used to being in a serious relationship then your happy enough to just meet up as and when. As you've not been used to being in a pair.
I don't have to see someone that often as I'm used to my own space. But in time I would hope to be more of a priority.

What is The Looming Test CoverMeLads?

God, sorry Movember. It’s like Mooseburgers; it’s an older thread term

The Looming Test is when you look at your date and imagine them looming over you in the throes of passion. If you don’t visibly recoil (or throw up in your mouth as nearly happened to me once) then they pass and a second date may well be on the cards 👍🏻 Also known as the Kitchen Table Test: can you imagine sweeping everything off it because you’re I have to have them right now? To be honest it’s just “fuck yeah!” but more specifically in regards to chemistry.

Forgive typos; autocorrect is my nemesis.

I'm talking to a guy on tinder who seems to be auditioning for his next wife 😁 I think he's going to send me a copy of his credit report in a minute.

And it's a no from him, he's looking for commitment before the first date, good luck with that.

Like that is frightening. I’ll gladly say “I’m looking for a LTR” before I meet someone, but I’m not going to say “and sure I think there’s a good chance it’ll be you” 🙄

coverme He was of the option, it seems, that date one would be the start of a relationship, right off the bat 😧 I suspect we move in very different circles. Why would you tell someone about your financial position on day two of casual chatting on a dating app !!

@CoverMeLads your writing is so funny! Glad things are progressing!!

Because you don’t understand appropriate social boundaries/rate of self-disclosure I guess. Or you’re massively insecure and think it’ll impress someone into dating you, because you don’t think being yourself is enough. And of course some cough many cough women will date a guy based on their material worth and I can’t imagine it ever ends well.

Awwww thanks Eesha 😘 I’m actually half arsedly writing now: got a blog and about 0.00000001% closer to writing my novel but I think Caitlin Moran can rest easy in her bed.....