Dating thread 142: love will tear us apart...again

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@TooOldForThis67
Glad you're ok!
There are plenty of guys who'd love an amazing 51 year old but make sure you're in the right head space first.

As I said to someone earlier, be kind to yourself

you know tooold, there was a thread the other day with someone asking why somebody would go out with them. I think you do have to try and see the positives in yourself :) because if you don't, no-one else will!

@WaitingforMrHardy it's not really early on we're been talking on and off since February.

@DaffoDeffo yes I probably know I will else that's months of conversation gone to waste.
Im sick of the same old conversations with different people

I know what you mean indie. It gets really tedious. I started to get interested in men who wanted to dtd on the first date just because it was a change from the normal boring shit

I think when people block someone without a reason or even a polite msg to say thanks but no thanks is really cruel.

And I can completely understand how it can really affect someone - leaving them to question themselves. But everyone is right it shows there nature and I wouldn't want someone to be with me if they could be that cold!

I know a lot of advice is to have and be speaking to more than one person but I really struggle with this!! I don't feel I'm getting to know them properly when I know I'll be speaking to Dave (made up name lol) later on too.

did I ever tell you about the man who turned up with a list of questions on a piece of paper? I made him go through all of them and then asked him nothing. It was like a job interview!

Thank you all - and completely agree with comments. I don't know why my self esteem is so low when it comes to dating. I definitely agree with the whole loving yourself first!

Also agree with chatting to more people but seems to be slim pickings at the moment! Need to get a few more irons going. Actually the guy that cancelled the lunch date didn't really bother me, had only been chatting for a few days so no real attachment there. I do find it harder when you have been chatting for a while, really connected, maybe been on a couple of dates and then bam - blocked!

Anyway, onwards and upwards, on match and tinder at the moment so trying to get back in the saddle.

@DaffoDeffo i lové that !

And to add to pp, yes I agree, blocking without a quick message saying 'sorry this is not working for me' or 'I'm just not going to able to keep our conversations going for now, I wish you luck'. Anything right? Otherwise sadly I am the kind of person who will spend a while mulling over the why's. I probably did something really idiotic today but I sent a message to Mr Block on his work email basically just saying that I was sad he felt he needed to block me, sorry I misread the situation and I would not be contacting him again. He will probably think I am a massive stalker but for my own sake I needed a bit of closure just to let him know that I was aware that he had blocked me and it didn't sit well.

Anyway, had been out of the dating game for over a year and Mr Block was my first one back in the game, learnt a massive lesson about over investing too soon and making myself vulnerable to other people's whims. Will be attempting to follow dating rules from now on :)

A man sent me a questionnaire once. It was a lighthearted thing but I still felt it was some sort of test.
I went out with him for 18 months anyway, so he couldn’t have been that bad.

giggle i really do think that dating challenges even the strongest of people. The rejection, the lying, the double standards. It brings out the absolute worst and best in people!

I don’t think that’s the end of the world giggle.
I mean I know it goes against advice but for god’s sake, some of these people behave badly and there is no consideration for others’ feelings whatsoever.
If it’s enabled you to feel like you’ve taken back a bit of control then good.

hopeless have you read the Rosie Project? That's exactly what the man in that book did.

I can understand why after a while you'd want people to answer some simple questions. It would save a lot of time.

What would you have on yours?

I would ask...

1. Do you have OCD? (we are messy, not very messy but enough that it would piss off an OCD sufferer and I've attracted a few)
2. Do you like sex often? (sounds simple but christ, you'd be amazed how many men don't - they would never answer this honestly anyway)
3. Are you ok having a drink in the pub with my mates? (huge part of my social life and a lot of men don't like it )

most men I can't even get past those 3 questions

I'm the same giggle I always think it's me and spend ages wondering what I did wrong!

It sounds silly but I have major issue with how my nose looks, I have a bump on the bridge. You can't tell from the front but I have big self confidence issues about being seen from the side. I'm worrying about this new potential man seeing me from the side and then deciding he doesn't want to pursue anything. I know that probably sounds ridiculous!

JeSuisPrest
I had a rubbish late lunch meet yesterday and also bought and ate a chocolate orange after lol
Mine was just so dull and he got the hump in the restaurant as they didn't give him a straw....
And before the bill even came said we going 50/50 erm ok that's fine.
Go away you short dull 34 yr old that was texting his parent's to get him the latest I pad for Xmas.

@Apparentlyacatch Show me someone who doesn't have hang ups about some part of their body (men included) and I'll show you a liar.

The point is, you probably have lots of other nice attributes, both physical and personality, which far outweigh a bumpy nose, wrinkly neck (my hang up), chunky thighs, small boobs or anything else that bothers us, yet we get fixated on the few things that no one else would probably notice or give a second thought to. I do wonder why we are so set on self sabotage?

Most people are genuinely nice and average. No one is perfect MrAbs - banging body, but the wonkiest smile you can imagine, however I think it's completely endearing

@unique1986 I think we should have "I needed a chocolate orange" as code for "What a let down" It certainly works for me and it doesn't ask me to send pictures of my boobs

jesuis I completely agree about the self sabotage. I do that a lot I think I always look for reasons as to why it'll go wrong or what it will be about me he won't like.

TooOld I'm glad to read you are OK but so sorry you seem full of regrets and sadness. I would strongly advise stepping away from OLD even for chatting for at least a couple of weeks. You don't want to irritate your wounds by risking a ghosting from some complete bozo you start chatting to. Let them heal a bit.

I hate the blocking thing as much as anyone here. So rude, so unkind, so inhumane. I was v careful about moving to WhatsApp therefore because (a) it opens you up to the 'have I been blocked' thing, and (b) it meant that I would always be open to them as I won't block (it's too unkind), unless they are psychos. That said, although it went against the grain I did force myself to conclude that, pre-moving to WhatsApp, unmatching on Tinder without warning was OK. I only did it when chat had been lively but went dead for more than 24 hours with two outstanding messages from me but no clue as to the silence. Childish maybe, but I didn't want to be unmatched by someone I had had any sort of connection with, so I got in there first.

Re chatting to/dating more than one guy. It makes sense on paper to hedge your bets but I'm finding it's put me on two rollercoasters going in opposite directions. I don't think either of the guys I'm seeing can any longer be classed as just FWBs but neither of them is a proper relationship either, and if pushed I probably can't choose between them. I did not see this coming and I don't know what to do

I haven’t read it Daffo.
I like your questions though. Particularly the sex one. It does seem to be a thing for some men, and inevitably I think it’s something to do with me.

@jesuisprest - wow good going on the 17hrs from matching to DTD!! That's a record surely?

I'm still dating the same guy - it's been a month, 6 dates, 3 of them DTD and now sadly our calkwvdars aren't matching up.

I mean dating in your 30s/40s with children is hard work!! I get little child free time and when I do he's either got his or busy!

However the I secured me is doubting things!

Tempted by another guy I'm chatting to and was supposed to meet but I cancelled as felt bad for the guy im dating!

What to do - argh!!!

Blocking someone unless they're behaving psychotwat is just ridiculous.

I know the feeling of disillusionment very well but in some ways I think it is a necessary baptism of fire.

You have to go through it to come out the other side with the beginnings of some Phoenix fluff.

I'm 10 months in now to OLD. Admittedly I'm not actually looking for a "relationship" more seeing what I stumble across really.

I've met some nice guys who I still chat with on WhatsApp. Some nightmares, incessant wankers and some of the confused and muddled up ones I find quite endearing.

I never send more than one unanswered text and if I get ghosted have my say that it sucks to be on the receiving end but wish them well all the same. Some you can't even be bothered to message.

When it gets too much I put on a box set and the hell with the lot of them.

Been lurking and reading with interest for months.. Been 14 years since dating.
Plucked up courage and have been on two lovely dates, couldn’t have been better. Have arranged third date, I know I am lucky.
But even when it’s going well this stage is agony. Over analysing texts, waiting for responses, second guessing myself, joy at shared humour.
Don’t quite know what I wish to say here, but it’s not easy is it?

@tooold glad you are okay and just take your time, there is someone out there for you!

Love the idea of "I needed a chocolate orange" as code lol.

Well, it's been a rollercoaster in the world of OLD for me today and it's only Monday!

• Mr 4amGuy initiated chat today which was nice. We seem to be having standard boring conversations but I'm trying to work up to see if he is free to meet (hopefully next week) for coffee, and I'm hoping conversation will be easier in person.

• Mr Tartan was keen chatting this morning for an hour but has gone AWOL.

• may have a male friend only as a guy messaged me about dating but his partner cheated on him for 2 years in an 11 year relationship and it only ended 4 months ago, and that he still loves her. hell no, I'm here if you want to chat about it (as well as chatting to a counsellor mate) but seriously POF is not the place for you to be right now.

• a new one MrIrish, started off chatting for 2 hours this morning then stopped. not chasing although we seemed to click.

• 26 year old trying to get phone sex this morning. buh-bye

• Guy who I'm not sure about, all about how we can meet and hang out/have great sex. Wants to move to WA, I asked why (supposing its easier for him to get away with sending me a dick pic?) and I said what's wrong with communicating on POF? he said because with WA you don;t have to keep logging on He's well on the backburner.....

• Tinder, had a match who messaged me Hi, messaged back and thern i got 3 questions that would have made the Spanish inqusition look like amateurs. he unmatched me, maybe cos I didn;t respond?

• POF, very handsome guy, first message was if you woke up next to me in the morning would you kiss me first or make me a coffee?... sorry mate, if I had known there was a test i would have studied

My skin is getting thicker by the day lol.

How needy am I reposting my message from earlier.

I'm having difficulties with rule 3 we're about 5 weeks in but only one date, mainly because he's had flu. Hopefully we're meeting again this week. I'm starting to develop feelings 😱 it's quite scary and too soon. Can they be real at this stage? Do I need a slap?