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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Catching my husband cheating?

296 replies

dontpointatme · 16/11/2018 12:28

I can go into the back story later if needed, I just need to know if I need to get this set up quickly…

In a nutshell, I'm 99% certain my "D"H is up to something. I've found out from the wife of his friend that he cheated a while ago and he's been behaving so suspiciously recently that I'm sure he's up to something again. I'm not kicking him out though until I have proof, as he'd just go for the wounded party thing, and I'm not having that. He denies everything when confronted.

So, he's away apparently visiting a friend this weekend... I can't follow him to see where he goes as I have commitments that I can't get out of, so my (psycho wife) idea is to send my old phone with a PAYG sim hidden in in his car, so I can see where he (or at least his car) actually is...

Forget the rights and wrongs, will this work to track him assuming the phone is on silent and Bluetooth etc turned off so the car doesn't link to the phone? Am I completely insane?

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 20/11/2018 17:57

You could always say that if your relationship is to have any chance, he has one opportunity for full disclosure. If you discover any lies or half truths later, you are done.

And then kick him out Wink

bethy15 · 20/11/2018 18:46

To the people asking why the other person called the OW vulnerable, I believe it's because of this posted by the OP

She split with her husband earlier this year, domestic abuse. My DH helped her get away and sort out a house etc.

She was saying the women he is now with was clearly in a vulnerable place if she had to escape her husband due to domestic abuse, any woman just coming out of the would be in a very vulnerable place, so the poster was not wrong to suggest that.

Feckers2018 · 20/11/2018 18:49

TBH why ask him when you have proof? He will just turn it onto you. It would be best if he just left. Only saying as I've been through similar and I wish I hadn't looked for answers but just chucked him out. Seems a whole lot more dignified than what I went though. More lies and manipulation will make your blood boil.

JustMuddlingThr0ugh · 20/11/2018 20:09

I've been following your post since the beginning OP, really really sorry for what you've discovered Flowers
Has he turned up at home yet?

Original poster
dontpointatme · 20/11/2018 20:11

Yeah I know it's not going to do me any good, but I really feel like I deserve an explaination. He honestly can't see what he's done wrong though I don't think, I am actually believing now that it's not a sexual affair and so he doesn't get that it's the same betrayal, or worse as if it was sexual he'd have had a reason, as shit as it is.

He's not back until midnight so I've told him he'll need to get a hotel tonight, I'm not dealing with seeing him for the first time after all this either in the middle of the night when he gets in, or when I get up with DD in the morning before I have to go to work for the day. That's not fair on either me or DD. I wouldn't sleep knowing he was due to come in, and I'd not be able to leave the talk until tomorrow so would be up half the night.

OP posts:
JustMuddlingThr0ugh · 20/11/2018 20:14

I don't like to pry, but what makes you believe its not sexual?
As you say, it's the same betrayal, but why is he doing all this and staying in a nice, expensive hotel for the night if they're not sleeping together?

Thebluedog · 20/11/2018 20:15

Regardless if if it’s physical or not, he’s lied to you to enable him to spend time with another woman. He’s spent the ‘family money’ in gifts for another woman and completely disrespected you in the process, not to mention this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. It’s the level of deceit that would do it for me. I couldn’t go back

Original poster
dontpointatme · 20/11/2018 20:25

Exactly that @Thebluedog deception is deception, and the level of this is staggering to me.

I know this will sound stupid after all of this, but I really don't think he'd sleep with someone else after chewing it all over for the last few days and by his responses. He's not really "into" sex, and in his twisted world THAT would be a bad thing to do. This whole thing has been based around necessity to him with him wanting her in particular to go on this trip as it would generally be her place to go, and he's hidden it from me as he knows I have an issue with her.

He asked me by message earlier what the counseller had said and I said she was appalled at his behaviour, he was really shocked. He just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
coolmum348 · 20/11/2018 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Capricornandproud · 20/11/2018 20:42

Did he book a hotel for tonight OP? You’re dead right to insist on it and I’d be the same - a bag of anxiety and would have to have it out soon as. He has some fucking gall splashing out on designer stuff for her when you’re in debt! Dickwad. You are doing so great, and I know there are gut-wrenching moments behind the humour. Stay strong and take my advice; keep the reminders of this betrayal and this thread for the evenings ahead when it’s just you and little DD. It’ll help. And the debts will get sorted eventually xx

bethy15 · 20/11/2018 21:24

I think you might find you're in a bit of denial here to believe there was nothing sexual in it. He lied to you and took another woman to a fancy hotel, I don't know any situation where it wouldn't be sexual, and buying her things etc.

Then you also have the friend who told you she knew he had slept with someone else.

Don't go on his responses, he'll clearly be lying.

I think you're telling yourself what you want to hear for now.

halfwitpicker · 20/11/2018 21:27

He booked a hotel room with her? Not sexual? Don't believe that tbh

MMmomDD · 20/11/2018 21:35

OP - if he convinces you that he took a woman to a nice hotel overnight - and nothing sexual went on - he needs to bottle it and sell to other men. They’ll pay a lot of money for it....

I am sorry.

Newerversion · 20/11/2018 22:23

What MMmomDD said ⬆️

Kennycalmit · 20/11/2018 22:49

Sorry OP, I also think you’re in denial. He booked a double room for them both - that tells you everything you need to know

I’m sorry for what you’re going through Flowers

Graphista · 21/11/2018 02:02

Sorry I also think you're in denial - cheaters script they always deny what they think you can't totally prove.

My ex did same & see it on here repeatedly. As I say my ex even tried to deny when there was a pregnancy as proof!

Doing yourself a massive disservice if you fall for his lies.

Tinkie25 · 21/11/2018 05:30

Hoping he did get a hotel room.

Stay strong OP and hope he at least has the decency to be honest with you - but I highly doubt it.

StarlightSparkle · 21/11/2018 05:36

My H stayed in a hotel with OW and tried to convince me they didn’t sleep together. He later admitted it though.

He’s almost certainly lying to you, they always do.

Forgotmycoat · 21/11/2018 06:04

You seem so strong op with healthy self esteem. Please don't let his bullshit grind you down to a level you're prepared to accept his lies.

Sisgal · 21/11/2018 06:32

I think you are going to forgive him..you are making excuses for him and trying to convince yourself he's not slept with her..

Zoflorabore · 21/11/2018 06:48

I'm sorry op but you're in massive denial.

You didn't think he's slept with her?
He's got you well trained.

Please have some self respect and ask yourself why he would be at a hotel with another woman? there is only one answer I'm afraid and you won't like it.

HereIgoagainxx · 21/11/2018 07:17

Why a double room if they weren't cuddling up together? I'm sorry but come on.

AdoreTheBeach · 21/11/2018 07:35

I’m so sorry OP but I tend to agree with the other PP. if it’s not sexual, why the hotel room over night? I’d also wonder if there were two hotel rooms or just on during the “business” trip. Did they actually go for business too.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/11/2018 08:04

How did you find out about the hotel?

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 21/11/2018 08:44

Double room, no sex? Do you think he packed a backgammon set?

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