Catching my husband cheating?

[dontpointatme]

I can go into the back story later if needed, I just need to know if I need to get this set up quickly…

In a nutshell, I'm 99% certain my "D"H is up to something. I've found out from the wife of his friend that he cheated a while ago and he's been behaving so suspiciously recently that I'm sure he's up to something again. I'm not kicking him out though until I have proof, as he'd just go for the wounded party thing, and I'm not having that. He denies everything when confronted.

So, he's away apparently visiting a friend this weekend... I can't follow him to see where he goes as I have commitments that I can't get out of, so my (psycho wife) idea is to send my old phone with a PAYG sim hidden in in his car, so I can see where he (or at least his car) actually is...

Forget the rights and wrongs, will this work to track him assuming the phone is on silent and Bluetooth etc turned off so the car doesn't link to the phone? Am I completely insane?

Look, it doesn't really matter. He's going and that's it. As I said, I would be able to understand it more if it was about sex, but he's so uninterested in that side of life that I just can't see it. He always has been. But I don't need to justify the reasons that I think that on here. I appreciate the support I've been given wholeheartedly but don't need to be told that I'm in denial, this week is hard enough.

He asked this morning what I want and I said for him to find somewhere else to live, so he's under no illusions that it's the end.

There will be a talk tonight, but only as far as what happens next, and if he's willing to explain himself to me then fine, if not then that's fine too. It's his prerogative.

Big hugs for tonight. It's an awful thing to have to go through. Do what's best for yourself, try to stay as calm as possible and not let him upset you too much. Can you have a friend come round for support?

I don’t think it matters a jot OP whether sex was involved or not if it’s given you the ‘get out’ . The fact is he lied about it to you, so he knows full well that what he was doing was wrong and not ok and went ahead anyway. If it was above board he would have just told you his plans.

Good luck for tonight OP - and well done you for going ahead and sticking to your guns regardless. I think it’s nearly worse when there’s everything BUT sex because it makes you paranoid about exactly what your OH was missing in the marriage. Tonight will be hard but I’d want to hwar what he had to say; there’s something so final about being lied to your face that makes the future so much easier when you may have a wobble. Xx

I think you are absolutely correct OP. This isn’t his first indiscretion, and he’s out and out lied, spent money on someone else and been completely disrespectful towards you. As I’ve said before, it would be game over for me regardless if it had hit physical or not. You don’t actually need to know that part.

Wholeheartedly agree with you OP. Good luck

If he's not really into sex what was the previous incident of cheating? Is this the same woman? Well done for your cool handling btw.

You rock OP. Great to see you aren't taking any shit, doing the pick me dance etc. She won't be so interested when she has the day to day to deal with especially as ...y'know, he actually doesn't have that much money!

The previous incident that I was told about was drunken snogging in a shop doorway on a stag do. Not the end of the world but not brilliant, I'd probably have let that slide after some choice words and stuff. A fool maybe, that's probably how that would have gone if I'd thought it was a one off.

OP, whatever other people eho don't know you think, even if they think you are in denial - it doesn't matter. Only what you believe matters. You know your husband and you know his capabilities and what you are willing to accept!
Whatever you decide, make sure it is the right decision for you!
Stay strong!

Well the big chat has been had. He gets it all now. I do believe nothing physical has happened, apparently the woman is mortified and furious that I didn't know they were going for the night etc.

He's been really really stupid, and understands that there is no choice for me other than to ask him to leave. It's going to be hard sharing the house for now as it's only a 2 bed so he's going to have to sleep on the sofa, which makes everything awkward logistically with a relatively early waking 2yo, but tough.

I have no idea what to do now, how the hell do you deal with breaking up a marriage and house etc? I've always just been able to walk away before. It seems impossible right now.

apparently the woman is mortified and furious that I didn't know they were going for the night etc

Bollocks is she. She can’t seriously be that deluded to accept expensive gifts and nights away in posh hotels with a married man and not know what that means or looks like. In any case, why did they spend the night? There was no reason to. So no, this is crap.

So how does he explain the gifts?

Why is she mortified? She's accepted designer stuff from him and bragged about it on sm. Did you ask him about the gifts?

Can he prove it was a booking for separate rooms at the hotel? Not that it matters but it might help you accept the reality.

apparently the woman is mortified and furious that I didn't know they were going for the night etc.

^^

Oh,aye. Mortified, the poor chick.

First of all welcome to the club no one wanted to join, I’ve been where you are. Similar situation with regards having to share the house for a month or so. Despite my ex being the cheating twat we agreed that the sofa was the only obvious place to sleep till things got sorted...it was horrible and very strange sharing the same house whilst at the same time coming to terms that my marriage was over.

My kids new about the affair as they unfortunately witnessed me discovering the cheating twats text messages and the following confrontation. We sat them down after a few days and explained that cheater pants would be moving out but we both still love them very much.

I’m afraid it’s time to get practical and see a solicitor, most offer a free consultation, find out what your options are, any benefits etc. I also made the mistake of carrying on talking, arguing, trying to reason with my ex in the immediate aftermath and that was a big mistake. You head will be in a spin for a while, you’ll have ups and downs, allow yourself space and time to grieve if you decide that your marriage is over.

I would recommend getting as much real life support as you can, I had someone I could talk to, text any time and they were a fantastic support. Likewise mine and my ex’s family were great. The internet is a great place too chumplady.com was literally a lifesaver for me.

5 years later and I’m in a good place, my relationship with my kids is better than ever, I have my own place, I’ve met someone new. I still have days where I wonder where it all went wrong or what did I do to make my x cheat on me..but those days are few and far between these days.

You deserve better than how you’ve been treated, your DH made his choices he has to live with the consequences, stay strong and I wish you all the best

Oh aye right she's mortified. Because who'd have imagined that spending an unnecessary night in a romantic hotel with an older male colleague who buys you gifts might be misinterpreted?

Does he know you know about the classy stag night snogging?

@dontpointatme

So - your H and this woman had a drunken snog.
And then spent a night in a hotel, sharing a room....
How did he manage to explain that?

And btw - you said something about him not being that into sex, or at least alluded to it - as a reason why you think nothing happened.
You do realise that it’s possible that that is a story he tells you to cover up whatever it is he might be hiding...

Yes he knows I know about that. He's given me all of the explainations that I wanted re the hotel (which was actually an apartment so two rooms, and that's definitely true, the place only has apartments and not normal rooms) He's an idiot and he knows it. He knows we're finished, and roughly what happens next.

I appreciate all of the advice etc but (in the nicest possible way) can I just be allowed to be at peace with what I believe happened. It doesn't make any difference at all as to the outcome of all this. I'm actually relieved and quite happy with where I am right now, which I wouldn't have expected five days ago.

The drunken snog thing was 3 years ago, totally unrelated, random stranger on a night out etc.

MMmomDD
I don't think the drunken snog was with the same woman...
Really glad he's finally seeing that's its over, whether or not he slept with her it amounts to the same level of deception.
Wishing you the best of luck for the future, OP

I think it makes a huge difference, especially going forward. You are very quick to believe there was no sex, even though they're lying to you and staying in a hotel together. You are also allowing him to stay in the house, while being happy he didn't sleep with her.

I know you don't like it, but you are in denial about all of this if you really believe there was no sex involved with them both.

And also, he maybe isn't into sex with you for other reasons. Some men who use escorts or have other sexual fantasies they are not comfortable telling their wives about are not always into sex with their long term partners or wives.

What on earth is his explanation for the unnecessary hotel stay?