Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

Ignore the previous poster op, how rude. This thread is for support. Please keep posting if you need to.

'Snap out of it' wow. That's very insensitive. It's not good to wallow but it's good to allow yourself to grieve and work through the emotions.

Don't be upset about your friend, I think people can be really unsympathetic if they haven't been through it, I've had a lot of eye rolls from people close to me. They haven't been through it.

I beg to differ. A lot of people have been through incredibly sad break-ups. But just like fish start stinking after a while, there is a cut-off point when people start getting fed-up and bored with hearing someone obsess over a split, especially when it was a short-term relationship with someone they didn’t like. You may not realise just how draining it is for others. After over a month of it, I would tell my best friend to start changing the record a bit and give it a rest and talk about something else. An occasional heart to heart is one thing but the full-on woe-is-me tends to start wearing pretty thin!

Well I have a friend that has been going through similar for over 6 months, I haven't told her to 'snap out of it', I have supported her.

You sound very immature and rude.

'Snap out of it' wow. That's very insensitive.

Except they did not say that did they. I thought it was actually quite good advice. At some point you are going to have to pick yourself up and start making steps towards moving on and stop counting the days since the relationship ended. The hurt is not going to disappear overnight and it does not mean ‘snapping out of it. More a case of putting on a brave face and getting back out there rather then constant over analysis and rehashing the same conversations as to ‘why’. I had a good friend bluntly tell me that if we are going out for a drink we are not to talk about my ex for the umpteenth time as he actually wanted to have a good time. Seemed a bit harsh at first till I realised that I had sounded like a broken record player for last few months and generally sucking the joy out of any room I walked into. It was the kick up the arse I needed.

OP, there's a really good book that helped me when I went through this. It's called "It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken", by Greg Behrendt, the US comedian who was an adviser to the scriptwriters of Sex & the City. I found that book really helpful - partly because it made me laugh, but also because it tells "real life" stories of other people the author knows who went through awful break-ups, which is kind of what you need to hear. That others have been through worse and survived, and even thrived, in time.

Going through a break-up is horribly isolating because it seems as though everyone else is "happy" and "normal". But that isn't true!

I personally am someone who can listen to a friend going on about her break-up indefinitely (and have done, on many occasions - in some cases for years!), but I've found that a lot of people can't cope with it. Sadly, that's just reality. A friend of mine once said that she decided to go to therapy to talk about her break-up so that she "didn't piss her friends off" by talking about it all the time.

It's normal to want to talk about it - you're traumatised. I've been through this myself several times and do you know what really helped me when I had no one to talk to about it? (Because they were sick of hearing about it!) I wrote it all down in a journal. The words poured out. I wrote down everything, every thought and feeling I had - about me, about him, my hopes and fears, my longing, my emptiness, my bleakness - everything I could drag out of the farthest reaches of my being. And it really, really helped.

Because when you go through this you feel as if you're going mad. Those thoughts go round and round in your head and they torture you. You need to get those thoughts out of your head - by talking or writing about them, and trust me, it helps!

You're clearly an intelligent woman and you sound really lovely, but right now you're not seeing your ex-guy clearly, only an idealised version of the person you built him up to be.

Long hair, musician, baths, conspiracies, Sudoku, living with his mother ... yeah, I've got a picture of him vividly in my head. This guy is everywhere. We've all met someone like him. A friend of mine met a guy just like this. Long hair, musician, wild looking. Good looking, too. Physically he was exactly what she wanted. Another mutual friend of ours, however, knew about his past and it wasn't pretty. He'd left a trail of broken hearts behind him. All of his exes were "mental", he claimed.

My friend knew some of the women and they were lovely, but were left nervous wrecks. He caused chaos and heartache wherever he went. He did the same to my friend - left her after two years of living with her and married an OW literally within months. It totally destroyed her and it took her years to get over him.

I'm not saying that all long-haired musicians are a nightmare - I'm sure that many are not! - it's just that, as a PP said, a picture is building of this guy. He sounds like a total LOSER, who one day you will be SO GLAD to be shot of. He's done you a HUGE favour! And in time you'll see it. Just not yet.

Do you have any knowledge or a picture of his past? Has he told stories of "mental" or "psycho" or "schizo" exes? (They won't be - but the common denominator will be him.)

Hang in there hun. I can tell you, as a survivor myself, you WILL get through this. You're doing all the right things by maintaining no contact. Keep going. Try not to find out any info about him - don't look at his social media - anything you find out will NOT help you at this stage. Ignorance is bliss. Keep busy. And buy that book! It will cheer you up. It's 1p (used) on Amazon or you can get it on the Kindle for £4.49.

www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken-ebook/dp/B002RI9J5A/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?s=sports&keywords=it%27s+called+a+break+up+because+it%27s+broken&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1544579192&sr=8-1

Just another thought on something a PP touched on, about how the breakdown of briefer relationships can cause us more pain than the breakdown sometimes of longer, established relationships.

It's because we have more dreams and hopes invested in them. We do not yet know the reality of this person. We have only the promise of how wonderful and perfect everything is, and will be. Because at the beginning, everything IS wonderful (usually).

We haven't had time to get bored with them, or become disappointed with them, or to see them fail. We haven't seen them grow old, lose their hair or even develop health problems. We're in love with an idealised version of someone, not the reality of who they really are.

Does that make sense? Thinking of you. Just keep on keeeping on. We're all here on the sidelines willing you on.

*PanGalaticGargleBlaster Exactly! Glad you understood and bothered to read what I said and having the emotional intelligence to get it, rather than the professionally offended. A really good friend will tell you to stop this obsessive wallowing after a while and not simply tell you what you want to hear because they actually care. Only a silly sausage is unable to understand the difference between initial much needed support and sympathy, i.e. immediate post-split triage and pandering to someone getting fixated and encouraging them to obsess for months and months down the line. It’s not about expecting the OP to get over this break-up straight away. It is about being mindful to keep things in proportion and stop this obsessive negative mindset. Very similar to exercises used with cognitive behavioural therapy, i.e. challenging and changing unhelpful cognitive distortions. The OP has to accept that she is slowly exhausting the patience and ability of friends and family to listen over and over to her woes, without really moving forward. At this point, some counselling might be helpful because it seems like there is a lot more pain stored up and this break-up is the catalyst.

Try and hold some perspective- its a blessing you were only with this person for 16 months , not 16 years.

You didn't share a home or any children, so things are easier in that sense.

Dont let this person take up any more of your head or time - you run the risk of getting "stuck".

You must take care of yourself, put yourself first now. You have my sympathy, it's a sad scene. One many of us have experienced - but we do get over it in the end.

Well I thought that Temptress gave some pretty good advice too. Proper concrete help, rather than sympathy.

You can give advice without telling someone to snap out of it and tell them they are boring their friends. To be dropped out the blue is really painful, we have boards like this so we can vent. Don't like people going on; scroll on. :)

Naa, Sausage you are just pandering and loving the role of being the great Samaritan to emotionally big yourself up by going ‘there, there’. You clearly shown that you aren’t able to really grasp and understand nuances and lack emotional intelligence. Instead of virtue-signalling perhaps you should think about what is genuinely helpful. Encouraging someone to obsess over and over for months isn’t. Nudging them towards professional counselling if they seem stuck in this unhealthy fixation on the one hand and setting some ‘time-out’ to speak about other things is what real friends would do, who aren’t just paying lip service.

And the OP knows that she wasn’t dropped out of the blue. Like many of us, she tried to block it out and ignore that things were going sour for many months. But he had love-bombed her and she was desperate to return to what she perceived those golden first few months.

*Temptress, have you ever been through what the OP is going through now ?!?!?!?

@letsdolunch321 Yes! Hence my response.

Fair enough! Everyone is different how they deal with situations in life.

You can give advice without telling someone to snap out of it

Again, nobody has suggested this!

Thank you all. I really appreciate all the messages and I know all people deal with things the different way @TemptressofWaikiki you haven’t upset me. I wouldn’t mind the tough love but I really feel like I’ve kept the worst of it to myself. I’ve journaled, I’ve been to counselling etc I tell my friends when they ask, that I’m struggling or if I’m having a good or bad day. On Sunday she asked me a question about dating again which is when I gave her my sad sack reply (honestly that’s how I’m feeling right now. I just don’t know if I’ve got anything to give anyone anymore) the reply I felt was really harsh considering it’s only been a month. I know we had a relatively short relationship but in those 16 months (especially the first 6) we spoke of buying houses, having kids etc we went on holidays together. I honestly (red flags or not) thought that I had finally found a man be spend my life with. The day before it all ended he was still telling me I was the love of his life. The end of this has hit me hard, harder than I anticipated it would.
@northernlights0710 when I met him he has come out of a three year relationship (9 months before) he told me he ended it because she was a ‘nightmare’ and wanted them to move in together. Now seeing that getting him to move was the reason for our breakup makes a lot of sense. He only saw the ex twice a week and from the sounds of it she was as dull as he was.
I’m trying not to mope I really am and it’s difficult sometimes. But surely that’s what your friends are for? I’ve seen this girl socially once or twice since the split and didn’t mention the breakup at all. I feel sad because I feel like she doesn’t have the time for me now even though I did for her.
I know everyone deals with things at different rates.

He love bombed you ...flowers at work...creating a big show

Got cold feet

Wants out

Let him go...you’ve dodged a bullet

Listening: yes, that is what friends are for, OP. And a good friendship should be able to withstand it.

From what you know about his ex, he sounds like a commitmentphobe and a man-child. You can't see this now but further down the line you will be so glad he's gone. He really has done you a favour.

Interesting that he says his ex was "a nightmare". He ended it because she wanted more. There's your cue. He's not ready. He said you were the love of his life but his actions have contradicted that. Don't think about "but he said this and he said that - we talked about having kids" etc. Instead look at his actions. Talk is cheap and men will say anything as and when it suits them. Sorry.

OP, am touched by your gracious response. And despite what some people assume, I have been there and I remember the physical, searing and gut-wrenching pain. I have a memory of it, just like child birth. It isn’t about this guy himself, you are slowly realising what a total first class wanksock he really was. It is about losing a dream and promise of a future filled with love. It’s bereavement and moaning for the kind of relationship you long for. Your friends and family know he was an utter tosser and are probably at a loss as to why you are so cut up about him. He got you hooked and now you’re going through an acute and horrendous withdrawal. At some point, it will wear off and fade into insignificance. The sentimentality of this time of year and the grey, wet weather doesn’t help either. But this is why when you are with friends and loved ones, you should attempt to distract yourself. Channel the obsession into something else. Learn to play an instrument, learn to do something you always wanted to master and divert that fixation. Anything to wean yourself off him. As I mentioned higher up, use the techniques advocated with CBT; the moment your thoughts turn to him, memories of places etc, focus on something else and stop counting how long it has been. For what it is worth, I did that for a while too.

Just to clarify - I'm not saying that he may not have meant what he said at the time - he may well have done. But he can't sustain it.

A friend of mine met a bloke she liked in her early 20s, asked him out and 30 years later they are happily married with two adult children. He dated her, called when he said he would, and discussed marriage and children. He married her and had kids with her. She is the love of his life because he shows her, day in and day out, by being there, loving her and being consistent. Actions, not words.

@TemptressofWaikiki wanksock is possibly my new favourite term!!! 😂😂
I appreciate all the comments and I know no one on here is out to upset anyone. Personal experience leaves all of us feeling a different way.

I think you are understandably upset at the end of your relationship. But I think you are also anxious and panicking because you thought you had a life plan. You thought everything was going to be ok and you’d met ‘the one’. Which meant you were blinkered about his faults. You are starting to see that he wasn’t perfect now but you are grieving the loss of your happy ending and the fear of the unknown again.

Time will be your friend here, it will get easier and you will eventually realise that you would have been u happy long term with him and the way he treated your ds. It still sucks though and I empathise with you.

*unhappy

@Zofloramummy you’re totally right. I thought I’d been lucky and found him but it wasn’t to be. I just feel a bit rubbish about the whole dating again situation. I honestly don’t feel I’ve muxh to offer anyone and that I now don’t have age on my side. It’s a very sad situation to find yourself in.