Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

6 weeks in. Will I ever stop talking about him?? I think I have driven everyone insane around me. I’m journaling often and feeling ok. We had a hotel booked last night and thinking about Christmas last year has left me feeling a little empty. I’m just going to try and be the best I can for my boy x

Hope you get through Xmas okay. Reading your thread made me think of my excessive ruminatios and romanticism. Churning things over and over and over and somehow unable to stop. Someone said you need to woman up and l have been given similar advice. I realised that a lot of my obsession was due to MY being dumped rather than true heartache about losing them and l wonder if some of your difficulty moving on is because of this rather than because he was so wonderful. It's horrible and humiliating to feel dupped and dumped but, as others are saying, he wasn't actually that great. Maybe some of what you're feeling is indignation and anger at yourself rather than him. I would focus on unpicking this and working on your self esteem rather than replaying memories of him. Guys are like holidays - they take on a rosy glow and the realities (like mosquito bites) are edited out.

@tootruetoyou I think you’ve really hit upon a point there. I find it difficult because I know we weren’t meant to be, it would have ended at some point in the somewhat near future if not 6 weeks ago. I know how unsuitable we were, how we would have made each other miserable, I can tell you all of his faults and how I clearly put more effort into making it work then he did. The problem is my heart or my brain hasn’t seemed to catch up. I know one day I will look back on this and be glad, be happy that I’d had a close escape. Sadly now I’m still in love with him and stupidly I believed him until three minutes before he dumped me. I’m trying not to ruminate, I know how it only makes it worse, I’m trying desperately not to stalk his ex and his friends on social media (failing miserably there) as it’s like a hammer to my self esteem every time I look. If I’m honest I’m frustrated with myself for not being able to move on quicker, but I honestly thought I’d found my ‘one’ and we were just going through a bad phase. Being told to ‘woman up’ doesn’t always help because it just adds to my frustration that I’m not doing things quick enough xx

If it's any consolation l had to revert back to a non smart phone so that l couldn't get online to stalk. I also got rid of my desktop computer and only had a laptop that l kept in a drawer. It helped make it less easy 'just to have one quick look'. My ex started seeing a model so can you imagine what that was like for my insecurities? In the end l had to stop looking because it was eating me up. Rather than go cold turkey l set manageable targets - l won't look for half a day, a day, a week and finally l am free of it but it took a long time and a horrible amount of discipline.

It was me who said woman up. And I shall repeat it - you do need to woman up. This man is simply not worth the hours af time spent thinking of him.

Look at your beautiful son, whom he was so dismissive of. Why doesn't that make you angry? Get bloody angry with this man and you will soon get over him.

Perhaps had you dumped him first then maybe you would feel so different. It's horrid knowing that someone who wasn't worthy of you dumped you but quite honestly you need to get over that and thank your lucky stars that it ended.

I think you are torturing yourself by counting the weeks etc this just keeps it current in your mind when you need to forget him. I think the fiction of him - musician, carefree, sexy, attentive, loving was better than the reality which is rather immature and living at home with parents bombarding you with lots of texts and not wanting to accept your son into his life when your son is part of you.. i dont think anything meant by saying focus on your son of course hes priority rather that its a distraction! You’ll have good days and bad days but bad days will get less. There’s someone out there for you in time

@tootruetoyou that’s an amazing amount of discipline. It’s actually a bloody good idea too. I’m thinking a social media break in the new year might be a good thing (I may start it tonight).
@minmooch I truly appreciate the comments. I want to be angry, I want to be furious at him for wasting my time and my boys, for breaking promises and for not seeing that this amazing kid actually adds more value to your life then he could ever imagine. But my brain just can’t seem to do it. That’s when I end up getting angry at myself and frustrated.
@Lozzerbmc you’ve got it in one. In my head he’s a mega sexy musician motorbike rider and in reality he was a green tea drinking sudoku playing dog walker x

Hope you’re all having a really lovely Christmas. I’ve actually been ok. I did stupidly check his Fb account earlier which upset me for a bit but the best I was More cross at myself for doing it. Thank you all for the comments. I don’t know how I would have gotten through these past 6 weeks without you all.

OP I’ve read your thread. I don’t know if I have any useful advice but your grief at the ending of this relationship is palpable. I went through something similar a few years ago. I came out of a long term relationship and very quickly became emotionally (not physically) involved with an old friend. He was so kind to me, made me feel valued, loved, important etc. He led me on for months until I found out he had a long term partner. I genuinely had no idea. The grief was all consuming, I’d never felt anything like it. I was an absolute mess. I couldn’t find any logic to it, same as you. I bored my friends, same as you, I craved hearing from him, same as you, I thought about his faults and how it would have never worked, all the same as you.
It does pass, it really does. In the cold light of day and with time and space I understand that the grief was probably so intense because I was also grieving the end of my long term relationship too (that I ended). Even though it was my decision to leave, on reflection I still needed to take some time to process it. The OM was a distraction, a fantasy, I invested in him because i needed to invest in someone. He became everything, I put him on a pedestal.
As I said you will get through this and very soon your feelings will become more rational and you’ll feel relieved. It’s hard I know

Onwards and upwards op. The new year is nearly here, a new fresh start for you and your DS, no looking back now life is too short to waste any more time on this guy.
Sending you virtual strength and a PMA.
X

@JK1773 thank you so much for your post. It’s amazing isn’t it? I have never experienced a pain quite like it. It’s so guttural and all consuming. I feel like an absolute loser, an idiot. To think a man who had only been in my life such a short matter of time could make me feel like this. My friends and family have been amazing but all I can think about is if I’m this brilliant person they say I am how can he not want me? Lord, I’m even beginning to annoy myself. I’m an educated, fairly intelligent and independent woman, I survived an abusive relationship and got out for the sake of my son. I have a good job, I’m told I’m funny, I just can’t belive he would do this to me and I’m so worried I’ll end up alone. Doomed to repeat the horrific cycle with more men who break my heart.
I’m taking time to heal, I’m in counselling, I also don’t think there’s anything wrong in eventually wanting to be in a healthy and happy relationship. Lord, sorry I’m bloody going on again!!
@snorkers thank you, I’m really seeing 2019 as a new start xx

Happy New Year all. Thank you all for all of your support over the past seven weeks.
If I’m honest today has been dreadful. I’ve struggled these past few days. I downloaded tinder a few days ago thinking it might help. It didn’t. I felt sick every time I matched with someone, felt horribly rejected if they didn’t message and generally felt awful about the whole thing. I was trying to push myself too far. I’m not ready. If I’m honest I’m still in love with my ex. I looked on his social media tonight and became so distraught that he had made it so private I started stalking his friends and girls I knew he had once had a thing with to see what he had liked. When I saw he had liked another girls quote about moving on (who he had once kissed) I had a full scale breakdown. I just must be so worthless that he has found moving on so easy. Every part of me physically hurts because I miss him. I can tell you every bad thing about him, I can tell you how much of an arse he was to my son and how he didn’t really treat me well but my mind ruminates back to last Christmas when we were in our honeymoon period or last New Years which we spent in a hotel. I just can’t see an end, I can’t see anyone ever wanting me, I feel so worthless and useless. Above all I feel so angry at myself for feeling this way. I’m an ‘educated woman’ and I’m behaving like a 13 year old. I hate myself for it. I want to forget him and I want to forget how he used to make me feel.

You really have to help yourself here. No one else can do it for you and real life friends really are doing you any good by letting you go on about him.

You need distracting. You need to distract yourself.

Break ups aren't pleasant but they are not world ending either. You need to take this time to learn the positives from this

If you keep saying you feel worthless then it becomes self perpetuating.

Repeat every day I deserve so much better. I am so much better. My son deserves so much better.

You are obviously allowed to be sad at the end of a relationship but at some point you have to make the conscious decision to move on and start enjoying life again, start believing in yourself, stop bloody moping about this dickhead.

I shall say it again and again and again - you need to woman up. You need to pull your big girl pants on and get a hold of this.

Stop wasting negative energy on this lazy disrespectful man. Find a positive force and go and do something for yourself that will make you feel good.

Stop focussing on him and focus on yourself and your son.

Every time you think of him actively switch the thoughts off, distract yourself, it's a very bad habit you are allowing to form.

And ffs do not gin on tinder ...... Jesus Christ woman you need to be on your own for a while. Learn to raise your bar. Going on dates when your self esteem is low will only open up yourself to other potential dickheads who will abuse your vulnerability.

Another dickhead in your life is the last thing you need.

The problems quite clearly with him, to me it does not sound like you did anything wrong. The withdrawls id imagine is his own inner fears, ones hes surpressed.

Girl..

It’s a new year and you need to give yourself a good talking to. You’ve had a month to grieve the end of the relationship and it’s now time to put the past behind you.

You are not in love with this man, you were in love with a fantasy. This honeymoon period you keep harking back to lasted about 5 minutes and if you’re completely honest with yourself you had been chasing this feeling for months even when it become apparent he was pulling away from you.

You need to stop putting him on a peddlestool because you deserve so much better. I think it would help if you found some new interests to help give you confidence. Right now you are looking for a man to give you that validation and it doesn’t work like that.

It’s time to to hold your head high and enjoy life again.

You have to start getting some more self control. STOP looking for signs of him on social media. You are hurting yourself more. Don't allow him this much power over you.

Thank you all. I’ve deleted the Facebook app off my phone until I can get some sodding self control. New year, new start. I’m going to try my best to pull myself together and get on with my life. He’s not coming back and even if he did I wouldn’t want him (my heart does but we all know not to trust that!) I’m planning things with my friends, getting back into routine (which I think is already helping) and although I’m not dating now (or the near future) I need to be open to new experiences and realise how much I can bring to the table in a relationship. I’m concentrating on my sons last 9 months before he starts school and making sure I’m there 100% for him. By constantly looking back or thinking of him in his 20’s (something I do all the time, even though I didn’t know him then but just saw photos and heard stories) I’m. It helping myself.

Don't go on Tinder, focus on yourself for a while and what makes you happy. You're sounding better, best wishes for new year :)

Do you think it might just be that you’re bored? I thought that from when you first posted.

You probably haven’t been properly bored for a few years and certainly not since your response could be to jack it all in and do something different (I know you’re on good terms with exP, but having a child and splitting up gets the adrenaline going, for sure). Maybe things have settled and you’ve got a routine and your job’s also steady and co-parenting is okay and maybe you’re just scared of everything being a bit too beige?

You’ve got a point there. I’m an organiser by nature and that’s one of the reason she I like being in a couple. I love having someone to do things with. Although I have friends that I see often it’s not quite the same/

Hi Op,

just wanted to say, Ive read your thread, and yes have felt that all-consuming ache at the end of a relationship. Ive cried with my whole body and facebook stalked like no tomorrow.

But it gets easier. You start waking up with plans rather than memories. And if you don't, start doing. Its the New Year and you have a son thats at such a fab age. Start doing things out of your normal routine. Go on day trips, or grab a cheap hotel room and take him somewhere for a sleep over. I used to hate Saturdays and sundays as there was less to occupy myself with, so deliberately started to book or plan stuff the week before so I didn't have chance to think. Youre in a great location for this too. Take some time to mourn, recover and start believing in yourself again.

I was around the same age as you and resigned myself to be single with my son, and got quite comfortable with the idea. I was asked out by an old friend, who id lost touch with years before, and I remember actually thinking, can I be bothered with this, I like where I am at.
However, I went and 6 years later im still with him, and happier than I have ever been.

Guess I just wanted to say, don't worry, im sure everything will work out. Concentrate on making the most of you and your son, mines 14 now but he was the worlds best distraction, especially at the age yours is at, everythings such an adventure and a learning experience. Youd be amazed at what comes along, when youre not looking or expecting xx

@baileys6904 thank you so much. I know everyone’s story is different but I love hearing about how it’s gotten better for people. It gives me such hope. I too find weekends difficult. I’m really lucky to have amazing family and friends (who now I look back and can’t belive I was ready to dump just in order to be with this waster because they could see what a twat he was and I couldn’t) my siblings are more like friends a lot of the time so I’m lucky I can do things with them and they will babysit so I can still maintain an adult social life. They also adore my boy more than anything and so are always desperate to come and do anything with us.
I’m so grateful for all the support I’ve received on this forum. I really don’t know what I would have done without it over the past eight weeks.

Sending you a virtual hug and hopiyou stay strong

Hi all, it’s been a few weeks since I posted so I kind of thought I would update you. I’m in week 10 of post dumpedness and I’m actually feeling ok. Time really is a healer. I still feel sad, I still miss him most days (well, the attention I got from him) but I now find that he’s not the first thing on my brain in the morning and sometimes I find myself thinking that I haven’t thought about him for a few hours. After my NYE meltdown I stopped social media stalking him. His ex before me and his friends and that’s massively helped me. I’ve also journaled a lot and read somebody very good books about obsessive relationships and codependent behaviour which hasn’t really shed some light into some of my thoughts and behaviour. I also realise now that he was gaslighting me. Pulling away and then when I questioned his behaviour he blames me.
I am looking forward to meeting someone but at the moment I’m quite happy getting to know me again. My work has asked me to go full time for a few weeks so that’s helping fill my time a little more as well as give me some extra cash.
My friends and family have been amazing and I’m starting to get my social life back.
I do feel lonely sometimes. Leaving events on my own. Waking up everyday with no one there. But I’m starting to realise what am awful life we would have had together.
You have all been such an invaluable source of support at the times that I thought there was never a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you all so much xx