Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

I’m 42 and in the same boat. My dd is 7. I’m taking sometime to enjoy being a mum and not having to be a partner to anyone. I’m sick of compromises that are one sided.

I do believe that there will be people I’m interested in but I’m not actively pursuing a relationship. I’m working on my relationship with myself and my daughter.

I recommend a social life, taking up a new hobby (mine is knitting), and doing things that make you feel good. I was in the bath tonight by half 5 just because I needed some head space!

You will be ok

@Zofloramummy thank you. I’m lucky because between 7-6pm three days at week I’m at school which keeps my mind mega occupied. I’m one of four and my siblings and I are quiet close so I’m lucky because I’ve generally always got someone around to occupy me at home. My son is starting a new nursery in January where we’ll have Thursdays together (hence the Merlin passes) so I have lots of positive things going on in my life. Before I met my ex I was happy being single. I was seeing friends and enjoying not being held down in an abusive marriage. Even though he may of felt he was telling me the truth at the time I’m so cross at him. I was happy dating and seeing each other once a week, he was the one who mentioned kids etc I just got swept up in it all so quickly. He honestly seemed to tick every box (apart from the ones I ignored). I’m cross with myself for falling for it all.

@BE2BN2BE

Op just out of interest, did you date others before him? Or was he your first after you split with your ex? I do think if it's the latter it explains why it is very hurtful for you.
When I split up with mine, I was exactly the same for over a year (u til I luckily got back with him) but he was my first everything

Also, just a question to see how you're healing. If he was to message you right now and ask to see you declaring how much he's missed you, what would you do?

@Issy777 Lord, that’s a tough one. Every single one of my brain cells, friends and family would be screaming to tell him to take a running jump but my heart (and imagination where I’ve dreamt up our ‘ideal life’) would say yes, come here and declare you love me and you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.
I dated three guys before I met him ranging from one date to four or five. I was actually dating him and another guy at the same time for a while but ended things with the other guy to see him exclusively.

So, here we are on week 5. 35 official days of NC. It’s a little easier. The lead weight from my chest seems lighter I just wish I could stop replaying every good moment in our relationship in my head over and over again.

All past relationships have good moments, happy memories. You sound like you're recovering slightly, and you know he wasn't right for you.

Good to hear @BE2BN2BE if you can't stop replaying have you tried setting aside time a day to write in a journal, get everything out? That was a tip I found, give yourself a set amount of time a day to think about it all and then for the rest of the day give your mind a rest and do other things.

Easier said than done but worth trying as it's really draining to replay everything and it doesn't help anyway because it's all about them and you can't see inside their head, you'll just drive yourself loopy.

I really feel like it’s getting better. I’m more excited about the prospect of doing loads of fun stuff with my son and eventually meeting someone and having a relationship that I don’t have to work at all the time.

I was feeling so confident. This week I felt truly like I was moving forward but tonight I feel terrible. He’s all I can think of, I miss him but I don’t miss him. I feel ridiculous. I think it’s because it’s the strictly final (which sounds odd I know) but we would always watch it on a Saturday in whatever hotel we were staying in so the fact that I’m now sat on the sofa with my mum is slightly different! I’m sure it will pass but I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself

Yeah stuff like that is going to stir things up for you. it can be a bit like snakes and ladders sometimes, 2 good days, 1 bad day etc.

@Sausage101 thanks, I feel better today. I’ve had a good moan at my mum and did some journaling which made me feel a little bit better. I’m exhausted at the moment, 5 nativity performances last week as well as all the other teaching bits. I’m looking forward to a bit of time off with my boy.

Sounds good @BE2BN2BE, hope the journalling is helping. Sometimes I just scribble anything and it helps. Even when it doesn't I think it's a good routine to get into. 5 nativities, sounds busy! Hope you have a lovely time off with your boy. :)

I’m just trying to not have too many expectations around Christmas and new year. I feel I’m setting myself up for heartbreak if I say ‘oh, this will be the best one ever’ or that I’m not going to feel sad at points but at least I’ll be starting 2019 hopefully positively. This forum has just been such a godsend, the support I’ve received from totally strangers has been remarkable.

Oh god. I feel so bloody stupid and totally wretched. I’ve let myself wallow for three days now and I feel Totally useless: I’m so angry at myself for allowing him to make me like this, he has no right to do this to me, to get away Scott bloody free while I’m suffering. I need to sort myself out and stop it/ it’s just so much harder then I would ever imagine it.

You're not useless, you're just normal and grieving the end of it.

He sounds like a fantasist. DD had a chap that was all over her - flowers, endless texts,proposals of marriage, she was to go meet his parents and stay over Christmas. Then suddenly WHAM. Literally within hours of his last message of undying love it was : he was not interested in a serious relationship and she had made things move too fast (???) and it was over, goodbye. She was devastated. And humiliated. For months. Hope you feel better soon - he is a total s..t. (And DD is now settled with smashing chap who clearly adores her. So chin up and just get through it - it will get easier with time)

I've just read your thread.

You need to woman up.

When you feel all miserable about him remind yourself of these things:

He didn't particularly like or engage with your son. Your son whom you say is the most important thing. Why did he not like/engage with your son? After all that time? Where's your anger? Why would you let your son spend so much time with someone so ambivalent towarddshim?

You organised and paid for most things? You. A single mother with responsibilities. And he did nothing. A single man, paying no mortgage, possibly no rent, no kids, no job. Remind yourself he was a lazy cheap bloke.

You keep saying the first 6 months were great but after that he started to withdraw. Why did you put up with a further year? Where's your anger at yourself?

Your female friends didn't like him - nor your mum for the way he wasn't engaging with your son. You should have questioned what they could see that you didn't.

Your son is better for this man being out of his life. He deserves to be loved by whoever is in your life.

You deserve someone so much better.

Take the rose tinted glasses off. See him as he truly was. You'll get over him much quicker when you realise that actually you had a lucky escape.

Still checking in here to see how you are .. you will have good and bad days and Christmas is hard .. I was single for a couple of years and it even upset me walking around the German Market and shops as everyone seemed to be in couples !! Loads of them I'm sure were happy .. but some were probably feeling insecure or fed up .. or knowing they were with the wrong person !!
Onward and upward love ... shortest day on Friday .. hibernate and rest through January and then spring will be on the way .. Happy Christmas to you and your son xx

@minmooch thank you. I think that’s why I’m so cross with myself. I know he was a twat, I know that by staying with him I would have been putting my needs above my sons. I have no issue in seeing his faults and knowing that it would have been an awful relationship which would have left me more destroyed both emotionally and financially. Sadly, it seems the rest of me hasn’t kept up and although I can say it it’s like I don’t belive it. This Friday it will have been 6 weeks since it happened. I’ve not contacted him once, I’ve unadded him where I can and I’ve even managed to not Facebook stalk him in at least a week. I’m just so angry at myself as I seem to have this inability to stop caring.
@Alicatz66 thank you, Christmas just seems to be riddled with couples and it just doesn’t help! I’m beginning to think I will be alone forever and although it’s not the be all and end all I do like being in a relationship. Although I know I’m not ready now (or who knows when!) I just fear I’ve nothing to offer anyone x

Don't overthink all that being alone now @BE2BN2BE just concentrate on you and doing what you like. It will be easier after Christmas, it's not the easiest time of year for anything like this. x

Think New Year new start! He would have been a hinderence in your life not enriched it! You will find someone else who is worthy of you and your boy.

I had bought his mum a monogrammed purse for Christmas (this was back in October) i was adamant I was going to send it to her (I always got on really well with his parents) I wrapped it, for the address off the net (cried at seeing a streetviee picture of his house) was fully focused on sending it. Then after a few conversations with people I decided not to. There would be no good outcome. If she contacted me to say anything it would have upset me, if she didn’t contact me it would have upset me. Neither helped me out. Maybe this present has been one of the reasons I’ve been finding it so hard to move on. In my head once this was done he would see how amazing I was and beg me to come back. I just need to accept that it’s over and try to stop thinking about our first 4/5 dates and all the messages he used to send me. Ruminating constantly is going to make me miserable

You deserve to have what this man SEEMED to be. Mourn the loss of what you thought he was - of course - but remember that the real him isn't it.

Now that you are free - you are able to meet the real thing - the man who is the things you have already imagined.

It is amazing how this happens.

My (broken-hearted) sister wondered if there is light that goes on somewhere when you are 'available' once again. Possible partners just seem to turn up.

Choose carefully. You know what to look out for. Check all flags for shades of red!

@Wildheartsease thank you. I’m so angry at him for all that he ‘seemed’ thinking back he ticked every box for me. He was the one who chased me, text me all the time, sent me flowers, travelled down to Brighton whenever he could just to see me for a few hours. I’m furious at him for making me belive in it all again only to leave me more heart broken than before. I know he fully has the right to change his mind, to fall out of love with me. But it just all seems so u fair, if all seems so wrong, sorry I know I’m going on!