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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped out of the blue

279 replies

BE2BN2BE · 11/11/2018 13:08

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 19/01/2019 23:15

It sounds like you're very naturally missing having a relationship but less so actually him, which is great. It's totally natural to want to be with someone and sometimes that can be destructive because it can pull you towards negative relationships.

What stands out for me reading your later posts is the bits you revealed about how he was with your ds - you said he was an arse to him and your mum said he ignored him a lot - that would have ended up damaging your ds's self esteem.

Not only that of course, he was damaging your self esteem too and would have continued to do that. You've saved yourself and ds from a lot of hurt and you should be proud of yourself.

BE2BN2BE · 20/01/2019 12:41

It would have been awful for my ds. Although; bloody typically I dreamt about him for the first time in weeks last night so he’s been on my mind loads today!

OP posts:
PonyPals · 20/01/2019 13:26

I read your whole thread and I am glad you are doing better but still can't wrap my head around the fact that you are still thinking about some loser... when he simply moved on.
You need to stop this! Get a grip and just stop 🛑

BE2BN2BE · 20/01/2019 14:54

@PonyPals Honestly; I have no explanation. I consider myself a rational, logical and reasonably intelligent person but I was totally useless when it came to this guy. I think I’ve found it so difficult because three minutes before it ended I was still getting declarations of love, if I ever had a wobble he would say our love was ‘eternal and forevrr’- his own words!
Believe me, I want to stop. I get so angry at myself for ruminating but my brain doesn’t seem to want to work in the way I would like it to. I am so much better than before and I’m slowly building my self esteem back up and finding who I really am. Two big break ups in two years have had a big impact on me and I’ve no doubt that bits that I didn’t process from my divorce have been brought to the front of my mind during this break up. I’m trying my best, I really am.

OP posts:
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