Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

@BE2BN2BE

Sorry op but how were you a bitch to him? From the way you sound, it seems like you did too much for him. And it was all give and no take from your side!
And of course if you're in pain, you would complain that is the natural thing to do.
Seriously believe you deserve better with everything you've said about him he actually seems to be a bit autistic?

@Issy777 I did wonder the autism thing myself. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I’m so desperately unhappy. I was thinking about him earlier (as per usual) and I was thinking I can imagine he will go off traveling on his bike around Europe which is what he’s done previously. Then I started to think about him talking to other girls, sleeping with other girls (I know he has one night stands before when he went away) and before I knew it I was in a full blown panic attack. I feel sick, I feel awful, I just can’t see it ever getting better.

@BE2BN2BE would you consider seeing a counsellor? It seems like you might be suffering from anxiety and cbt could help you work through all those difficult emotions you're feeling.

Hi @ghostlygal I’m on counselling at the moment. I don’t really find it too helpful. I had two good days and no then today was awful. I had a 20 minute cry in my classroom after school followed by a 10 minute angry cry because I was so cross about crying. I just can’t belive he’s done this to me. I honestly believed he loved me. I think I’m far too unattractive for the world of internet dating, it only makes me feel worse about myself. I feel so lost and so stuck and more than anything so, so, so sad.

@BE2BN2BE if the counselling isn't working then it might be time to chat with your GP and get a second opinion. What do you think?

And it's ok to cry! I cried for a good year (on/off) after splitting from my ex. It's all part of the healing process. And it's actually a good sign to grieve the relationship (even though it may not feel like it)

What thoughts set you off crying?

@ghostlygal it’s mainly the thinking about this time life last year. We’d been together 5ish months it was all lovely we’d booked to go to Paris for valentines, he was so attentive and loving, he was making a real effort with my son. Just the thought of being alone again, the whole uncertainty of everything. I really thought although we’d had some bumps that’s we were happy.

It's ok to cry .. it hasn't been long and it's still very raw .. you won't believe it now .. but In a few months you will wake up , get on with your day and suddenly realise you haven't thought about him at all. .. ( also .. I did 2 years of internet dating .. seriously ... there are right old trolls out there who think they are God's gift !!!! Don't you dare say you aren't good enough ) ❤️❤️

You can never be happy with this guy. You think now 'oh if only I'd done this/not done that..' well it's just not true. You were you and he was him and it didn't work because he just wants something different from life. He wants romance and intensity when it's new but then casual lack of commitment in the longer term. You would never be ok with that.

You will meet someone else in time, it is honestly better to be single than constantly trying to change and compromise for someone who doesn't really want you.

It can't be how it was in the honeymoon stage anymore, that's passed. Whatever you had done, he would not have stayed intense/romantic/loving.

You sound lovely - well-done on coping with all this and the op and bringing up your child!

It is sad to see how much you have been hurt.. Your grief is real but
it seems that this 'man' wasn't what his words led you to believe.

When you can, look upon him as just your 'transitional man' - the one between serious relationships. His presence allowed you to remember that you can love and be loved -important at the end of a relationship.

You are a normal loving person and can be attracted and attached. Sadly, he was not capable of reciprocating .

Hold on to the fact that real grief ends. You will recover - even if it seems impossible at times. It is also true that now that you are free of him, you are open and available for the real thing once again.

@BE2BN2BE do you think you might be crying over your dream of a perfect relationship rather than the actual relationship you had? I sometimes think that's why I get sad.

Writing out a list of things you plan to do with your DC over Xmas and new year might be something you could focus on. So instead of thinking back on the old memories you're focusing on making new memories. I hat do you think? You could book a nice wknd away in January perhaps? Sign up for a course. Try planning things to look forward to. It might help.

@Alicatz66 @MyKingdomforBrie @Wildheartsease thank you all so much. I honestly can’t tell you how much all your words mean. I pride myself on being strong but this whole situation has just broken me. My friends have all discussed the idea of a ‘stepping stone’ from my marriage and I guess that was what he was. He just kept going on about needing ‘peace’ in his breakup messages and I’ve cone to the conclusion I don’t want peace. I want adventures and excitement and I want to show my son everything and give him all the time I can. Interestingly my mum commented at the weekend that she was often appalled by how much he would ignore my ds but none of them would mention it because I would go on the defensive (this is true). He’s a selfish prick and I know in time I will stop feeling like this pathetic loser. I was quite happy being single before I met him. My friends are great, as are my family and I’m really lucky to have a job where I can work three days a week and still have an alright income. I’m on good terms with my ex husband which makes life easier. There are so many positives in my life I just need to try and remember them when I feel like a loser for being dumped by a guy who prefers sudoku to me.

*sorry that should read what do you think

And so we’ve hit it. The four week mark of NC. 28 days and I’m still as miserable as I was that first day. Today I stupidly unblocked him on FB and looked at his profile. He’s removed the bit where it says his relationship status (it did say single) which has sent me into a panic that he’s moved on. I know it was a fully stupid thing to do and I don’t even know why I did it. My friends are fully fed up of hearing me go on. One of them rolled her eyes at me last night and they just don’t get how I’m still so upset. But I am just still so upset. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to move on. My friends talk to me about it being good that I’ll be single for a bit etc I don’t think it’s good, I want to be with him. I blame myself for everything, I feel so lost. I want to feel better, I want to be over him, I want to see the light but right now I just feel like a failure.

Don't go on facebook, it's just bloody torture. I did that for a few weeks and then had to block him and his teen dream. Too painful.

Yeah some people will be unsympathetic is they haven't been through it. I've had a few people do that to me. Keep posting here, as we understand the emotions you're going through.

I’m @Sausage101 im trying to fill my time as much as possible and I’m trying to also face my feelings head on and allow myself to Be sad or angry and if I need a cry I will go into the bathroom and cry my heart out. I’m trying not to hide anything so it can resurface later. I just can’t seem to see out of the fog. All I can think about is when it was good x

@BE2BN2BE you know what everyone heals in their own time so don't feel like being under any pressure to 'be over it'
I just wonder is there another underlying cause to your sadness such as depression or anxiety which might be aggravating the situation? Which is why I suggested seeing your GP. Often when we are ill we can tend to focus on things which perpetuate our illness.

How long has it been? It's still normal to be grieving for your relationship. A few things that helped me is to not beat myself up if I have a few good days and then a bad day, just accept it can be like this.

Try to plan small things to look forward to, even nice walks and things like that.

Even if you don't feel like it, a bit of exercise can get endorphins going and things feel a bit easier.

Don't think too far ahead at the moment. Keep a notebook where you can scribble down any thoughts you keep going over, it can be a bit of a relief to write stuff down.

Try to keep a routine even if you feel like crap, keep eating and looking after yourself.

Thank you all (again) this group has just been a godsend. I often find that people just say to me ‘focus on your son’ which I find so condescending because that’s what you do as a mother! He’s my number one and he always has been.
The hurt is still there. The gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that he didn’t think I was good enough to stay with. Rejection and loss are bastards. We’re on day 30 of NC and I’d like to say I’m finding it easier but o find that now I’m starting to panic about ever finding someone else. I’m 36 in JUly. I’m living back with my parents as I wade though the mountain of debt my ex husband left me in and I’ve got a soon to be 4 year old. I don’t feel like I’ve got a lot to offer anyone. I just can see who would every want me.

Please don't think 36 is too late... I met my partner 3 years ago when I was 49 and I've never been happier ! ..
We are all here fighting your corner .. whenever you need a chat x

@Alicatz66 thank you. I’m feeling a little more positive. I had a bit of a meltdown to my best friend yesterday and said some things like ‘I have nothing to offer, I’m going to be single forever etc’ and she told me I sounded pathetic and that I was becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I was really hurt because I just wanted a moan and a little reassurance. I haven’t messaged her since and don’t really want to see her especially as I bent over backwards for her when a relationship ended badly last year and even though none of us like her new guy I always make an effort to invite him places etc.

Hi, don’t take personally what your friends say, they are probably concerned at seeing you
unhappy and lost in life.

Write down a list of positives/negatives regards this pathetic specimen of a man. Refer to the list when you feel down.

Mostly we all crumble when times are bad - that is not a bad thing, given time you will be back stronger then ever.

I was married for 21yrs, ex had an affair bla bla we parted - I spent 5 years finding myself having a good time with friends etc. At 49 I met a guy who I have been with for 3yrs. Life is peachy. You are never too old to met someone again.

Look after yourself and your ds. Be happy within yourself and the rest will fall into place 💐

Don't be upset about your friend, I think people can be really unsympathetic if they haven't been through it, I've had a lot of eye rolls from people close to me. They haven't been through it.

OP : 'He lived with his parents, he spent his spare time taking baths, doing sudoku and crosswords amd watching conspiracies on you tube. When we saw each other I generally paid for and organised everything.'

As a parent, this is not the man you want in your life. He was playing a part. I am sorry you got sucked in. What a wanker.

I’m glad this thread has given you some comfort. Thing is other posters can choose to ignore this thread and not engage. But your friends do not have that option. I am sorry for sounding harsh but I cannot blame them or your family for slowly getting fed up with you. You need to give them a break. And yes, it takes as long as it does to get over a split but there is a cut-off moment for others, as to how long they will have the patience to listen to your continuous sob story and constant self-pity. This was a short relationship and started going sour fairly early on. He sounded like a complete tosser but you lapped it up because you were love-starved and he love-bombed you. Your best friend is right, even if you don’t want to hear it. And yes, I was very piqued when my two best friends pretty much told me the same after a few weeks of me perpetually whining to them after my split. I was obsessive and went over and over the same things constantly just like you. I was stunned and momentarily incredibly hurt when they bluntly told me that I need to stop going on and on about him but then did give it a rest and distracted myself. It probably isn’t about him but an accumulation of emotions but by the sounds of it, you are wallowing in self-pity and need to be a bit stricter with yourself to snap out of it. And before you or any other poster bites my head off, I say this from personal experience, you need to fake it till you make it. Literally, force yourself to maintain some self-discipline over not cultivating your misery. So, next time you are with friends or family, don’t mention him or your split at all. You might surprise yourself in how much that helps and actually might stop you obsessing so much.