Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

I know I’ll look back and understand and that we weren’t meant to be but right now it’s so hard to see through the pain. When we met he seemed like everything I had been waiting for.

It's tough when you think you've found someone special and the search has ended.

I tell myself nothing in life is permanent. There are stories of here where people separate after decades.

You thought he was for keeps and he wasn't, of course that's painful because it's not just him but all your hopes and dreams that contained him.

Ride this out, it will get better in time xxx

I think @IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo has a point.

Who does he live with in London? Flat share? Parents?

He was clearly getting cold feet a while ago.

Sorry OP.

god what an arse

He lived with his parents, he spent his spare time taking baths, doing sudoku and crosswords amd watching conspiracies on you tube. When we saw each other I generally paid for and organised everything.

Ok. You are well rid op.

There could well be someone new on the scene or just he's not ready to grow up and be a fully functioning adult...

Whatever the reason it was him not you and you are better off with someone else! The pain passes

Let him go,painful though it is now it would never work with your differences.He sounds very immature and unkind.

Oh.

Very well rid.

What the hell about him was 'everything you had been waiting for?'

Please set your sights higher next time.

Honestly OP, why on earth would you want him to move in with you?

My Dp doesn't have a successful or well paid job. I out earn hime. So it's not job or income snobbery for me. I don't care what job my Dp does or how much he earns. What does matter is that he acts like an adult. Has got his own place, pays his own bills, cooks his own meals, does his own washing etc. He is a fully functioning adult. I don't have to pay for him to go out or cover anything for him.

This man has never been independent. He mooches off others and is in his 30s. He doesn't know what he wants from life. He will never start his own business.

And you were going to let him move to yours while you financially support him. Is that what you want? Do you want a man child?

Think of yourself and think of your child.

What you've described is pretty much what happened to me... was so into everything about me and we were looking at houses with land to move to and we're going to keep some sheep etc etc.
Then, long silences, not coming to see me when planned, leaving me downstairs at his parent's house for an hour because he was chilling in his room, going overnight fishing one of the two nights we had together.
He dumped me six months later but I allowed him to come back in to my life whenever he was lonely, accept any phone calls so gratefully, basically live off his scraps with no element of exclusivity. We'd go on holiday together and he would pretend we were a couple but then back off he'd go and that would be it for months. I'd be posting pictures of us because I wanted people (any other women) to see us together but he would block them from his social media.

What I'm trying to tell you is that despite the gut churning pain now, you will one day meet someone nice. Not someone like him. He's not nice. And don't let him back in to waste any more of your time. This guy took another THREE years of my life. I'm married to a wonderful man now but we are having to try for children straight away because I'm now in my late 30s.

I really feel for you because it is horrid and you only see the good bits for so long.

You’re all totally right. I think at the beginning he was so different to met ex husband (who I had a dreadful time with) he was this super cool ex musician with long hair who seemed to adore me. I told myself the 25 year old me would be doing cartwheels. He told me he’d moved back home to save (although now I’m not sure he ever left) and as someone who has recently had to move back with parents I totally got that. He seemingly adored me, he asked me for a photo of myself for his wallet on the 3rd date and he lived in London which to me at the time seemed quite ‘exotic’ (Dear lord I am so aware of how sad I sound) He was funny and exciting to be around and frankly I fancied the pants off of him. I dread the idea of online dating again (not now, I know I’ve got to work on myself) but I only ever seemed to meet weirdos, I don’t have the greatest self esteem so not getting loads of matches really started to get to me. I’m beginning to think it might be me. Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone. My DS is my absolute everything and I hate the fact that he’s seen me upset (I’ve tried very hard not to do it in front of him)

My sympathies to you. Clearly hit you like a freight train. I can only go off what you’ve posted but it seems this was telegraphed a long way off. I think him cutting contact was a final effort at ending things. He may have made you felt super awesome but what you want isn’t what he wants. I’m so sorry. I suggest you call upon and friends and family for support and cut ties with him just incase he starts vascilating over his choices.

Best of luck for he future and fingers crossed you meet someone better suited to you.

When we saw each other I generally paid for and organised everything
Thats what I guessed- no dog walker ever managed to pay his own way in London on that alone!
I'm not remotely a snob about jobs, but I am very wary of grown men who choose not to take care of themselves like adults.

OP I got dumped a bit like that a few years ago. I remember the pain like I remember childbirth; I know it happened but I can't feel it now.
A few months later I met DP and there was no messing, just him being very keen! (And me catching up a bit later).
Look after yourself, TRY to stop thinking about him. He probably isn't blocking you because he's cold, he's just trying to make a clean break.

Sweetheart, firstly you are not needy - you have a child on your own and sound like a great mum.

He has blocked you on everything - he is a coward who has no responsibilities at all - very covenient a 30 something year old with a little job (hardly a job is it) being a dog walker who likes long baths & crosswords whilst pouncing off his parents. Give him a fucking wide birth the weirdo.

@letsdolunch321 that’s made me laugh so much! I’ve had a very teary day today and just kept thinking ‘most people at 35 are getting married, buying houses, having kids and I’m getting dumped over text by a dog walker from Battersea!’

It's always well told in most psychological articles regarding dating the ones who "rush you off your feet" with grand promises, lots of declarations of love, etc right from the beginning, usually ones who enjoy the chase and pursuit of females and nothing more. Once they've caught the girl, they start having doubts, at which point they go hot and cold.. future faking when hot and ignoring/blocking when cold... oldest story in the book. Don't take it personally, it's just the way he's wired. You were't to know but I've met plenty of guys with that mindset, even in guys in their 30s or even older. His career being a dog walker in his 30s, says it all about his ability to commit to things (as another poster has also eluded to)

Easier said than done, but you need to move on - only time will help with that.. I know it can be tough but you'll think about him less and less with each day.

Seriously sweetheart YOU are worth so much more.

You PAID for everything while he took baths and did Sodoku

There aren't enough superlatives for how well rid you are

What a complete turd he was

OP you are better off without him.
Sending a hug
You sound lovely.

Thank you all so much. I think one of the things that upsets me most is the ‘I can’t raise another mans child’ comment. He’s known about my DS from the minute that he swiped right on tinder. I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m a mother. We actually had a conversation in July where I accused him of not liking my DS. Looking back it wasn’t that he didn’t like him but he just never really made an effort. I’m sure I’m six months I’ll be glad he’s gone and that I dodged a bullet. In a way it’s just such a shame because for the first six months we worked so well together, his parents loved me, the sex was (and even up to last weekend) amazing. I’ve just looked through my phone and found a list in my notes where I’ve written about how he was withdrawing from me and how I felt like it was the end. It’s amazing what you look over just for the sake of being in a relationship. I’ve been talking to my sister about it and she said it’s exactly what I did with my eh.

it sucks, I know. You are you dc are so much better off without that arsehole though. Onwards and upwards.

He's entitled to change his mind at any time about being in a relationship and NC is widely advocated on MN, which is what he's doing to you.

I know it hurts.

Well he sounds like a bit of a loser OP,a man child that will probably never grow up. It's hard when you fall for a person and think they are perfect it's so difficult to see past how you see them. Once you are over the heart ache you will see him in a different light. A 30 year old man that lets his single mother girlfriend pay for everything, lives at home with his parents and is a dog walker, doesn't sound like much of a catch does he?
He has realised that he would actually have to move out of mummy and daddy's house and have some responsibilities and he shat his pants. Well rid!

Agree that it doesn’t sound out of the blue - it sounds like from the moment he met your son, the realities of dating a parent/parenting hit home and he realised it isn’t for him. He is entitled to feel that way, it’s not for everyone. However, the blocking and non communication is very immature. He could have sat down and had an honest chat with you about how you clearly both want different lives. I’d be furious and very upset to just be dumped and blocked, I think after 16 months you do owe someone an explanation. But it also sounds like your lifestyles weren’t at all compatible and you are better off without him