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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped out of the blue

279 replies

BE2BN2BE · 11/11/2018 13:08

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

OP posts:
Issy777 · 20/11/2018 14:32

@BE2BN2BE

Really feel for you, believe it or not I don't think you'll feel like that in time to come. He's sent the money, I do think he's been true to his word which makes me think even more that he's sure about this. Sad to say.

Op what dating site did you meet him from? Was he clear about his intentions on his profile etc? Just something my friend pointed out with hers

I do think you deserve better, you sound way too good for him as cliche as that sound.

BE2BN2BE · 20/11/2018 18:38

@Issy777 I met him on Tinder. Within three dates we were both really clear about what we wanted.
I just feel so sad. I know it’s over but it’s totally over. I feel so dejected and hurt. At the moment I honestly can’t imagine a time where I’ll be any happier.

OP posts:
Issy777 · 23/11/2018 23:12

@BE2BN2BE
Hope you're feeling better op and the days get easier for you

Alicatz66 · 24/11/2018 09:59

Was just thinking about you .. hope you are feeling a little bit better Brewx

BE2BN2BE · 24/11/2018 12:03

@Issy777 @Alicatz66 thank you both, yes been feeling a bit better. I’m currently on self help book number 4 and we’re on day 15 of NC and 20 days since I last saw him. Cashed his cheque and actually bought myself some new clothes on Black Friday. One dress I bought I turned to my mum and said “that’s a nice dress for a first date...” not that I’m anywhere near that stage but it’s a thought I found have found impossible even a few days ago. I saw some friends on Thursday night and they all took great delight in roasting him and his weird quirks.... including an inability to eat ‘round’ things! I do still think about him a lot but I’ve noticed it’s very much the first part of my relationship I think of. The heady early days where you’re caught up in the excitement and chemistry. Not the later parts when he sat in my best friends living room in France playing sudoku whilst everyone else had wine and sat chatting. It was so embarrassing.

OP posts:
BE2BN2BE · 25/11/2018 14:30

Oh, I am having a wobble today. I feel very anxious, very sad, like a weight is sitting on my chest. I wonder if he ever thinks of me? I keep thinking about him with other girls and honestly it makes me feel sick with jealousy. I don’t think he’s found anyone else but saying that I don’t feel like I know him at all anymore x

OP posts:
Issy777 · 26/11/2018 16:55

@BE2BN2BE sorry to hear you're still feeling down, time is a healer though. Soon enough, you'll forget him and hopefully meet someone new.

I know but see it this way he was obviously a commitment phobe so I don't think he's gonna settle down anytime soon, I don't think many woman would put up with as much as you did

largeprintagathachristie · 26/11/2018 17:41

Just wanted to say all the best to you OP. I am a week or so behind you in a similar, well, “journey”. At least I hope it’s a journey; at the moment I feel completely stuck in the pain.

The posters with their thoughts and advice are so helpful and food for thought for me too, when I am able to take it in.

Good luck continuing to move forward.

BE2BN2BE · 27/11/2018 06:37

@largeprintagathachristie I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I honestly don’t know what to say. I put on a brave face, I go to work, I do my job, I see my friends, I look after my son and make sure he never sees me sad. Sunday we were driving somewhere and he saw a motorbike and he turned around me and said “Mummy, I wasn’t to see ....”I made up some lie about how his bike was broken and so he couldn’t come to see us but all I want to do is cry when I hear his name. I just don’t understand how you can go from planning a life with someone and telling them you love them to three minutes later dumping them. Did he really love me? Why doesn’t he contact me? I’m on day 18 of NC now and it’s possibly left me with more questions. I’m trying. I really am. It just never seems to get any easier.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 27/11/2018 08:01

You have already posted a thread about this earlier as I remember your thread well and you had loads of good advice. What else is there left to say really?

BE2BN2BE · 27/11/2018 12:09

I guess there’s not. I just feel very alone in all of it.

OP posts:
Issy777 · 27/11/2018 12:21

@crimsonlake

Kind of harsh isn't it?? Isn't that what ppl advise on here to keep ops talking in here for support and help?! I don't see anything wrong with op posting on her own thread if she's having a down day
I had a break up with my dp and I found it better talking to ppl on here as it was neutral as opposed to friends and family who were biased over him anyway. I think op has said the same. We should all support her at this time it's not even been a month

Issy777 · 27/11/2018 12:23

@BE2BN2BE

That's tragic about you ds. I'm quite shocked as I remember you saying that ex didn't show any attention to him? And preferred to sit and play sudoko. It's amazing what kids remember.
Tbh I am quite shocked there's been no contact from him as well esp from everything he was saying. All I can think of (and in my experience) he might have met someone he has liked and doing the same rigmarole with her

crimsonlake · 27/11/2018 14:25

This reply has been deleted

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Ineedtobehappy · 27/11/2018 15:47

Crimson I think you are speaking of a different thread but either way you’re not very helpful...just nasty, why bother to comment 🤷🏻‍♀️

BE2BN2BE · 27/11/2018 18:11

@crimsonlake this is the first thread I’ve ever started on here. I’m pretty taken aback by your venom. I suggest if you don’t like the subject or the poster you not comment and mind your own business. I’ve commented on others but never originated any. Sadly, it seems the trolls are out in full force on every part of the internet.

OP posts:
BE2BN2BE · 27/11/2018 18:15

@Issy777 thank you and @Ineedtobehappy. I’m finding MN more of a help then I thought I would. Thank you all for the comments and the support. 18 days and counting, let’s hope onwards and upwards x

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 27/11/2018 18:57

I've been where you are. I remember the hurt, the despair, the feeling I'd never move on or love again, the almost obsessive analysis of what had happened. I was 35 too.

You will get through it. You're doing well. Stay strong. Especially if he ever was to reappear and tell you he was wrong. He's run away before and hidden from problems then returned.. Make a list of all the things that you and your friends thought was rude and annoying about him, the times he's let you down and backed away after talking about committing. Etc. Read it when you feel wobbly. Try and focus on how you're strong with a good job and lovely child. Keep going out with friends, try and focus on other things and their conversations- it will get easier. You've had a shock, you're reeling. It will take time to get back up on your feet, but you will.

For what it's worth, a couple of years down the line I met my husband- who fitted into my life so much better, adored me and didn't have all the drama of my ex. 15 years later it's still great.

BE2BN2BE · 27/11/2018 19:52

@Honeyroar thank you. I’m sadly at that point point where I cannot remember anything be ever did wrong. Honestly I’m just so heart broken. I can’t see out of the darkness, all I can think of is him. I feel like a broken record but I’ve never been like this before. When my EH and I split there was a very clear downward spiral over the course of a few years. Although things weren’t perfect I never ever though he would do this to me. Just disappear like we never existed x

OP posts:
largeprintagathachristie · 28/11/2018 16:42

There are so many things you are doing brilliantly. Getting through a working day. Looking after your son. Keeping on keeping on. This will have been a shock; be kind to yourself. x

Bernina · 28/11/2018 17:12

You will definitely get over this and one day be able to look back and think, "what was I thinking?" I have been there and now I can look back and actually laugh at my heartbreak which I would have once thought unimaginable.

BE2BN2BE · 29/11/2018 10:58

@Bernina @largeprintagathachristie thank you. I went with friends to a pub quiz last night and one of the questions was about the world being flat. I don’t think I’ve laughed that much in all my life. I feel a little less hollow today. I’m trying my best to remain positive and keep busy with my son. I’m going to visit my sister with him this weekend and although I feel like I’m wishing my life away I just want to be in a place where it doesn’t feel like a lead weights on my chest constantly and that I can get to a place where I’m not always thinking of how things were in the good times x

OP posts:
itsgoodtobehome · 29/11/2018 15:35

It’s funny how sometimes the people that were just in our lives for a short period of time make the biggest impact. I think it’s due to expectations and the future that they potentially hold for us. When I was (a lot) younger, I met a guy totally unexpectedly. Fell head over heels immediately. I thought he was my future. It didn’t last long, but I was more heartbroken when it ended than I was when my 6 year relationship ended. This was over 20 years ago but I still think about him (and I am now very happily married). Facebook stalking has told me that he has had 4 different girlfriends in the time that I have been married (10 years) and 3 different children with them. So I definitely had a lucky escape, but I still hold something in my head/heart for him - for the love at the time - but thank god he is not my husband or father of my children!! At the time though, I felt exactly like you do now.

Beautifullydamaged · 29/11/2018 15:40

OP you sound lovely. You will get over this. It’s seems the main reason ,understandably, you’re so upset is the suddenness . Time will heal and you’ll look back and realise he actually wasn’t the one for you. You will meet someone better.

BE2BN2BE · 30/11/2018 13:28

Thank you everyone, this forum has been such a life saver in the past few weeks. Today we hit the three week mark, 21 days since my heart was ripped in two. Honestly I feel so pathetic, I’ve been keeping busy and planning lots of nice things for me and my son but the pain is always there. Sometimes it’s like Niggly pain at the pit of my stomach and sometimes it feels so huge and all encompassing I feel like the whole world might implode. I’ve read the self help books, I’ve written the letters to him that you never intend on sending, I did the plus and minus list of him (plus was half a page and minus was two and a half pages) and although I know he wasn’t meant for me, he didn’t get on with my family or friends, did t really want to help with my son, had no ambition and seemed more than happy to let me pay for everything it doesn’t stop me from thinking about those first six months where he was so into me, messages me all the time, came to see me whenever he could, was romantic. 25 year old me couldn’t believe her luck that this bass playing, skateboarding long haired guy who I thought was stupidly handsome would want anything to do with me. He would show me photos of his old band, friends etc and I felt so lucky to be with him. At the beginning he seemed so different to my ex husband. I’m fully at the stage now where I blame me for everything. I put too much pressure on him to move, I snapped at him too much when my back hurt, I was a bitch, I pushed and asked for too much. I’m desperate to contact him and tell him I’ll take it all back and do anything he wants. But, I know it’s totally the wrong thing to do. I need to be brave, I need to be strong xx

OP posts: