Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

@Issy777 in one of the few messages I got from him last week he told me he would send me the money this week by recorded post... he had 5/6k in savings in the bank because when I met him he was saving to buy a houseboat in Putney. I will keep you posted to see if he actually pays up x

@BE2BN2BE

Also, I was the one who made the original comment about people being nasty about his job, the reason this angered me because my brother was a dog walker for a few good years after suffering from mental health issues. He didn't wanna sit on his ass and do nothing and dog walking seemed the best option because of his love for animals, less Interaction with people, being his own boss and generally spending time walking with dogs which was great for his MH issues.
I dunno if that's the same with your ex but it was a job, people on here are judgemental about unemployed people so I found that really nasty as at least he's out earning a living!

@BE2BN2BE

Oh god, I had thought he had blocked you on everything? Well That's good of him if he is sending the money. My friend never got hers back from her ex as he "ghosted" and months later she just forgot about it.

Really sorry to hear. Yes please keep us posted, this helps others who are in situations. Iv learnt men are all different in their own ways. He has been honest with you yet cowardly how he's finished it whereas some men just ghost women without any explanations or prior warnings

I honestly never had an issue with him being a dog walker. I had an issue with the fact that he used it as an excuse not to have anything better or to move here to me. One of the first things he said to me was ‘I don’t want to be doing this for the rest of my life’. He blocked me pretty soon after he said he would send the money. I’ve got no reason to believe he wouldn’t but also I can’t say if I really knew him at all!
I think I could understand it all a bit more if the rest of our messages and interactions for the days leading up to the break up weren’t totally normal and if he didn’t keep insisting that he loved me x

@BE2BN2BE

Do you have your own house? Was the issue was he didn't wanna move in with you into your house or dod you plan to both get a house? I'm shocked as he does sound very dependent as living with parents so he would have found it easier moving in with you rather than saving up for a place to buy together if that makes sense.

I’m currently living back at home as when I left my ex husband he left me in 20k worth of debt. We did talk about renting. I had no problems with him living in London for the foreseeable future as it meant I had more time with my son, my job is quite demanding and it made the time we saw each other special. All I wanted was to know that eventually we would love together.
I’m having such a low day today. Everything makes me think of him and I miss him. I want to know if he’s ok, I want to speak to him and ask him how his days been. I just don’t understand how he can just cut me out? Am I so unlovable? Is there something wrong with me?

There’s nothing wrong with you! Stop those sort of thoughts now!

It’s normal to miss him and want to talk to him. It’s also better for you if you don’t. Try to stick to a clean break and keep your dignity.

@BE2BN2BE

It's a horrible feeling honestly if I there was some kind of magic wand to help forget them I'd give you one!!
I've been there!

Can I ask how often you saw him then? I dunno if I'm wrong in assuming are you a teacher? Do you think he felt a divide of status? I know that sometimes can happen, just trying to work out where it went wrong for him as he's the one with the problem - you have done NOTHING wrong at all except be too nice to him!

@Issy777
Yes, you’re right I’m a teacher. He never said anything to be that would make me belive it was an issue, but who knows!
I used to see him on Thursdays, he would ride his bike down and we would spend some time together before picking my DS up from nursery and doing something altogether. We then would see each other at weekends, we would meet during the day and we would often stay in hotels on Saturday nights nearby and then we’d do something with my DS on Sunday. Sometimes I went to London for the weekend and we would do things together like go to museums or bars, go and visit his parents.
It seemed to really work for us but I did like to talk about the future and what we would do when we lived together, places we would go. Over the last few months he would never really reply when I asked him these questions but I pressed on because it then started to worry me.
I saw him the weekend before we split. He stayed later on the Sunday than normal because we had to work an extra day on Thursday. It was the last time I saw him xx

@BE2BN2BE

All I can gather is he really got cold feet at the thought of settling down which is terrible as a part from that everything you've written sounds like you were very compatible together and he seemed happy.

Have you heard anything from him at all yet?

He's planning to post you £500 cash? Wtf? Does he not have a bank account?

As a single mum with a shit marriage under my belt and plenty of OLD experience my advice is stop looking for the perfect relationship, the person who will give you the future you thought you would have with your ex etc.
That may happen or it may not. But if you're looking for it you won't find it - or you will end up with a sexy loser with no ambition who you are trying to convince yourself might be husband material!
Be happy with your life. It takes work but do it. Then a relationship is a cool value add.

@NotANotMan you’re totally right. In hindsight it was too soon for me to get into a relationship. Just a sad thing that I fell in love with him.
He had a bank account but all his money was cash in hand so he never had any in his bank!
@Issy777 still nothing and no money either x

Men are great at compliments as they are free to give.

A man who is always happy for a woman to cough up whether blatantly or by stealth and one who asks for ££ are all big red flags imo.

Hindsight is 20/20 so

@Prettyvase it’s amazing what you look Iver because you’re certain all the other parts of him were so perfect. Now when I look back it holes we’re starting to appear from April/ May time.
I’ve not heard from him in a week. No contact whatsoever for 168 hours. I cannot begin to explain how much it hurts. While I’m at work or busy I’m ok. But as soon as I get home it feels like there’s a lead weight on my chest. I went to counselling yesterday and spoke about it but none of it make me feel any better.
I know a week is a short amount of time. I just can’t belive my life has turned out this way. Two big breakups in two years. It feels like I have nothing to give anyone anymore.

Aha op but you mustn't be down about being an intelligent, kind, warm and considerate person!

You sound absolutely lovely!

Unfortunately your weak point was not noting the red flags as they came along...never mind, you'll have a pen and paper ready next time

But I suggest you have a break from men for a while and get your self confidence back.

Try and give yourself a boost: take up exercise, plan a trip... don't wallow in self pity that won't help you.

Good luck

@BE2BN2BE

Op you sound lovely. Please don't put yourself down over a dickhead who obviously has his own faults
Carry on talking to us in here. When I went through breakup I found MN actually better than counselling! I'm also a teacher in Secondary School. How about you?

Doesn't it show how cold hearted he is if he can't even contact you? I learnt that with my ex too. It was agonisingly painful how after we split he didn't even contact me to find out how dd was (she was sick at the time) it almost tell like he was punishing me me
Just another question, sometimes we're so wrapped up in these people the saying "love is blind" really does come to light. Just wondering if any of your friends or family saw any warning signs about him
You mention April/May was something going on around that time?

@Issy777 I’m a primary school teacher, been going it for a decade now!
Sorry for the late post but I’ve just had the most awful night. Went to the theatre with my siblings, nice night but I kept being bringing back the conversation to him. They didn’t even respond when I started to talk just changed the subject. It’s so hard because everthing reminds me of him. I then went out to a 90’s club night with my friends (it’s been booked for ages, I actually had two tickets as ex was meant to come with me) I thought it would be ok but I just couldn’t cope, I feel the absence of him in everything I do. I left early and drove hone (I cried all the way).
My siblings were never keen on him, my male friends liked him (one called him dull) but the female ones didn’t. They all said he was very hard to engage with and never made conversation. He had some quite far out opinions... he thought the world was flat, Charles Manson was framed, Brexit was a good idea... which often made it difficult for people to have proper conversations with him.
The incident in April... after a ‘storybook’ romance of 9 months he turned around to me and told me he didn’t want children. When we tried to have a conversation about it he deemed it ‘too stressful’ And turned his phone off for 17 hours. I had always wanted another child but I was willing to compromise as this man made me so happy, why give that up when I may not ever find another relationship at all and be left without happiness and without another child?
After that though, I did notice him becoming a bit more difficult. We went on holiday to Euro camp in France and I sorted everything, he barely interacted with my DS and just sat by the pool playing sudoku instead. I know it wasn’t meant to be but the heart break, the loneliness, the pain I feel is just excruciating. I just can’t see a time when it gets better x

He thought the earth was flat?? Good God. A delusional being if ever there was one.

So sorry you're feeling bad op. I've been there before. I hope you feel better soon.

Hello BE, you kindly replied to my other thread.

I’ve been they’re. The first relationship after ex-h.

Your poor brain, starved of those love-hormones, took a hit after you entered this new relationship. Bang! It hurts now he has withdrawn.

Second, it’s not him you miss but the stuff about being in relationships. It will be ok. They will come back in time.

Beware the man who love bombs and rushes you. He is scared upfront of your rejection.

But you know all that now. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and make yourself strong. I started a NC thread on here when I emu through this, we called it the Dignity Club. How to conduct yourself with dignity and self-worth. You are worth more than a man who does this to you. Find that anger. How DARE he do this to you? What an idiot! You took him to things and paved a future for him.

Another thing: watch out for your DS. Be careful about introducing men into his life too early. Relationships are for YOU first, introduce the kids later, and very s-l-o-w-l-y. I’m talking even a year or two in.

Good luck, OP, I’ve been there. Marriage then a whirlwind thing where I was treated badly, fed crumbs like you. 17h silence over baby plan? That’s not an adult way to resolve things!

My second romance after that one was from a dating site and he blew me out similarly (but picked me up again, blew me out, etc) after telling me he couldn’t accept someone else’s kids. Charming. I had to cut ties but he kept insisting on coming back.

My point is, don’t keep any doors open. GOOD that you got rid on Facebook, etc. Stop checking what he’s up to! “Getting over you” is the answer. Imagine him feeling shit over this. Keep imagining. Don’t act. Do NOT cave in moments of weakness: nothing will have changed & this man will still be shit.

Hang on in there. You are doing well! Theatre, siblings, great! Support yourself, don’t feel isolated, see the joys in life for yourself right now. It will be ok. I wish you joy and peace.

Sorry for typos! They’re - CRINGE!!! Am typing this on phone!

@Fireandfury1 thank you, it’s good to know that I’ve not been the only one here.
I just want to know how to stop feeling so empty and so pathetic. I’m making plans, doing lots with my DS, Reading, my mum is teaching me to crochet I’m doing everything I can to try and keep busy and my mind occupied. The problem is it’s just not. He is all I can think about. I can’t help but wonder if he misses me, does he think about me?
I can name a thousand reasons why we wouldn’t of worked but sadly at the moment all I can think about are those first six months that were wonderful. I know it will take time, I’m just struggling so much.
When I split with my ex husband there was a clear two year spiral that signaled the end. This was so sudden in comparison and all on his terms. I wish I could hate him because it would be so much easier.

People are so harsh on here calling him a loser because of his job?!? What the hell... a dog walker and what's wrong with that?

It's an important part of the whole picture.

He had some quite far out opinions... he thought the world was flat, Charles Manson was framed,

I'm sorry, what did you see in him?

@Nanny0gg ha! I think fireandfury was right, my brain and heart had been starved for affection and attention and in the beginning those were the two things he gave me non stop (plus, I thought he was super hot) x

Block him.