Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

@C0untDucku1a if only there was a way to block him from my mind!

I suppose try to be thankful that he's upped and left now rather than when things had become more serious and you had ties to him. By doing what he's done he has shown his true character and that he wasn't the kind of person you could have depended on in future. He obviously didn't have much regard for your feelings in all of this and that's not the kind of person you need in your life. I get what you mean about wanting to talk about it to your friends but it being difficult because they were changing the subject, maybe they were just trying to help you take your mind off it. Hopefully the counselling will help you in time. I only have one friend I've told about my cheating ex boyfriend and I'm conscious I shouldn't talk about it to them all the time or they might get sick of me but I'm too ashamed to tell anyone else in real life so this forum has helped.

@Flower32 oh, my heart goes out to you. When I left my ex husband it came after two years of painful downward spiral. I was truly ashamed to tell people because I felt like a failure and that I had done something wrong. But, the more people I told I realised the more that were concerned about me because I’d become a husk of a person. When they found out I had more hugs and people tell me they had been worried about me for a while than I realised.
He cheated on you so clearly he must be a total idiot, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It takes a lot of strength to get yourself out of a toxic situation.
I think my newest ex served a purpose, he made me feel like I was worthy of love again and for a while he offered me everything I was looking for. Sadly, you’re right and he clearly has no regard for my feelings (or that of my DS) if he can cut contact so easily. I’m disappointed with myself because I only introduced DS after he confirmed to me that we were wanting the same things out of life. I truly thought with him I had found my person and regardless of his flaws and all the red flags I wouldn have stuck by him even if i wasn’t happy. In a few months I’ll be glad this has happened, I know x

I truly hate Sundays. I’ve tried to keep myself busy but I feel like I’m failing at everything!

Sorry you’re feeling so miserable. Hope you feel better soon.

@BE2BN2BE

Oh god op, I don't know what's going on but my friend rang me in tears last night, she's had more or less the exact same thing happen to her!!! It's an outrage! Can't believe the way some men can treat us.
Very similar to you, she has a dd whose 5 years old, was dating him for 5 months so less time than you. He went off on a lads holiday and was acting distant when he got back then on Thursday morning sent her a long txt said he'd been doing some thinking n didn't think they were compatible (even though he had said they were - even one time me being present) said he could t do it anymore then blocked her !!!! Not heard a. Word since she said
Just thought to put it in here n let u know you're not alone in this pain. I have a good mind to txt him and give him what for but she's adamant I don't - he's still on my Instagram you see!
I just can't believe it, after this post I feel sick with how men can treat women. Her dd was slightly older and she said her ex n her had a nice bond so it's heartbreaking now her dd is asking for him and wondering why he didn't come to the pantomime on Saturday they had planned.

Just hope your dd hasn't noticed I know he may be too young but honestly it's better now than when he'd be older and more aware

I hope karma bites them both in the ass.

@Issy777
Oh my god, your poor friend. Please tell her she’s not alone. Those first days without them are so painful.
My DS asked yesterday ‘where’s Mark?’ given that it’s the second Saturday without him. I told him that his bike was broken and so that he wouldn’t be coming to see us anymore... he just turned about and said ‘ok Mummy, can we go get cakes?’ It doesn’t seem he’s too bothered! I’m lucky because my ex definitely pulled away from my DS over the past few months and generally acted like he was an inconvenience.
I’m in total shock how many men think it’s ok to treat women like this, especially after saying so for long. I’ve now had no contact for nine days, I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him now.

I’ve just cried at work which was just humiliating. When does it get any better? Today has been the 10 day mark of no contact. I honestly just can’t see past the pain some times x

@BE2BN2BE

Hugs to you. I pray it gets better or you. It will take time

Just an update which might relate- my friend has been told from a friend of a friend that one of his mates had told him if he gets serious with her n moves in with her (like they were planning) he would be eligible to pay for her dd? I didn't know this but apparently he'd become a common law partner?!?! It didn't make any sense to me and I'm not convinced that's the reason he left but I'm just putting it out there about your ex- maybe he heard something like this and freaked out?
I think it's sickening though as it's obvious you had done all the money sided aspects and organisation in the relationship

@ElectricMonkey thank you, I know it was for the best I’m just stuck in a loop of being convinced I will never find another man to love me. I know it’s not the be all and end of the world but I enjoy being in relationships and it feels unusual for me not to be in one as I was 18 when my Eh and I got together.
@Issy777 your poor friend, what a stupid man to get put off by the fact he might have to pay towards a child. What a sad world we live in x

@ElectricMonkey you’re totally right. In all honestly I can’t see myself with anyone else. I don’t even want to look. My heart feels totally shattered. I just find it so cruel, I’m trying to be brave and I’m trying to be angry at him. I just feel pathetic. I sat at work today and googled his house on street view and just sat and cried. I feel ridiculous I’m a professional in her mind 30’s not a teenager, my son is my only light at the moment x

Ah @BE2BN2BE sending handhold because I know how awful and gut wrenching it is. I'm a teacher too and I had so many days of hiding in my cupboard wiping away tears because I was teaching something that reminded me of my ex partner. If any of the kids ever asked I would like and pretend we were still together.
But it does get better. The shattered feeling will wear down to a dull ache and then to a freedom that you can't imagine now, but you will feel it.
I think what a PP wrote about working on yourself is really good advice. I used to be so horrible to myself in my head and in the mirror, but then I focussed on my good bits and blanked out all the other stuff.
You will get through this, it's just time you need. Lots of time xx

a bit off-topic but I wonder if people think that dohwalkers should be old men?? There aer plenty of strong dogs and lots of dog owners RELY on dogwalkers, some on daily basis. They do not feel dosmissive of the job, it's important actually.
Yes there ar many women dogwalkers (I know one who runs it as a business including dog grooming 'salon') and it's hard work! They need to do walking in any weather, be strong for the dogs who need to be on lead and be responsible for their wellbeing/safety. Guess what, she often hires young men in their 20s and 30s for her busins as it's quite a physical and outdorsey job. Yes it doesn't pay well, but it's important nevertheless.
Heck of a lot better than not working, and you do need to be kind to be good with animals, btw. Obviously he wasn't in a position to contribute equally but dd say he was going to do something else as well - and life in Brighton would be cheaper, it's really more the fact he wasn't mature enough for a relationship that involved raising a child or decided he never wants kidsever reasons - even though he did care for the OP by all accounts.

@BE2BN2BE - Was the dog walker in the south west London by any chance? My friend dated one there who sounds extremely similar...

Turns out he's still living with Ex. Did you go to his home much? Meet his family?

Lucky escape either way, my friend is now engaged to a lovely man (she's a single mum, same age as you)

@Grobagsforever Oh, my. Yes he was in the South West (Battersea/ Wandsworth) I met his family multiple times, stayed over when we went to Paris and had to get the train early etc. He never told me about living with an ex but who knows? He said his ex was a nightmare for jobs and money and when she wanted to move in together after three years he ended it (see a pattern?) at the time the way he described it seemed like good sense but now.... who knows?

Yes it doesn't pay well, but it's important nevertheless

But it does pay well. As I said previously I know a dog walker who can earn £40 an hour walking four dogs in central London. Three walks a day is £120.00 a day now times that by five then also dog walkers often dog sit or cat sit at weekends. If you want to put the hours in dog walking is very lucrative in certain areas. Ignorant sneering on this thread.

In addition some dog walkers I know get so much business they have to subcontract or find partners to team up with so they can walk more dogs - four at once is the legal max.

Just checking in to offer some good thoughts and and to say thank you to heatedblanket upthread whose words of comfort are helping me... is hard if you work in a client-facing role to go through this. I offered myself some affirmations and even emailed them to myself. Have strength. Xxx

@Fireandfury1 glad it helped and to you. It is so difficult having to face the world and be professional while you feel like everything you care about is collapsing inwards.
I used to write myself emails too, with lists like:
You are clever
You are resourceful
You are kind
You are brave
You are stubborn
Etc etc and I avoided the temptation to write 'he is an idiot', 'it's his loss' and so on. (Even though i wanted to). It wasn't about him, it was about me. I kept on repeating the words to myself and started to believe them after a while. xx

I copied this from here, Heated and it gave me courage:

Every day will be another step away from the torture of loving someone who does not love you.
There's nothing to go back to really, is there? Only sadness and embarrassment and cringing at yourself for your lack of self respect for putting up with it.
But now, you've done it! You've stood up and gone, "you know what, I'm better than this and I deserve more than this".
And you do!
The pain of being alone is less than the pain of being "with" someone who doesn’t love you!
The pain of staying would be fed like a fire, every day and the anguish would be unbearable, all while putting on a happy face for him.
Now, the fire of pain is dying down, bit by bit. Till it is just embers and finally cold ash. Which will blow away in the breeze!
And you will free to love again!

I’ve just received a cheque for the money he owed me. Seeing his writing has tipped me over the edge a bit x

Lord, I must look so pathetic. Crying about his handwriting. I think it just means he’s not coming back. I’ve been having stupid thoughts he might knock on my door one day and declare his love, proclaiming how stupid he was and he takes it all back. Honestly doesn’t the pain ever do away? I feel like every part of me has been hollowed out and now I’m left with this husk of a person who’s filled with bitterness and ash x

That's closure then and you've got the money back so he's been entirely honourable in that sense.