Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

Echo all the above advice. He is a manipulative manchild. Please stay strong - particularly, when he gets into contact again. I think that's highly likely - think about blocking him on all your contact options. Concentrate on yourself and son - you've had two, serious relationships in a relatively short period of time; give yourself some time to recover, lick your wounds and enjoy your son.

You sound lovely.

Unfortunately, a lot of men his age seem to have been raised as entitled fuckwits who think the world revolves around them due to them being in possession of a penis.

Good luck for your procedure today.

@BE2BN2BE @IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo
Fuck it I'm going to say it. He is a dog walker in his 30s. He isnt grown up, and he probably never will be.
Lucky escape.

**this times a million!

Honestly you can do a lot better! Put on your big girl pants and get back out there! No one deserves to be treated the way he's treated you. He seems very immature and like he lovebombed you. You and your DC Deserve better.

@BE2BN2BE also aside from working on your confidence, and building yourself up after the breakdown of your marriage. Maybe make a like of the absolute min values/morals you require from someone before you date. That way you can filter out the wankers quicker

He was your marriage rebound then. He served a purpose - helping you move on and forget about exh, and giving you the fun of fancying someone again.

You just ignored quite a lot of red flags and got in too deep emotionally. This was never meant to be a proper relationship - he has silly fling material written all over him. It's no big deal though. Lesson learned, socks up, have a laugh at him and focus on getting your emotional health back on track.

I know he’s entitled to change his mind, we all are. But to tell me he loves me and then three minutes later dump me is hard to wrap your head around. We weren’t compatible we didn’t really like any of the same things at all. I knew he was starting to change his mind a few months ago. Whenever I mentioned moving he never replied or just went quiet, which ultimately made me more obsessive because I was desperate to not look like a failure in another relationship. He was great with my DS at first but as soon as it came to anything other than the fun stuff he wasn’t too interested, and who can blame him in a way? It’s not his child to have to worry about. I really just wish he had been honest with me sooner. We took my DS to meet his parents in London a few weeks ago, that to me isn’t the actions of a relationship on the rocks but at the same time I now look back and think did I push it to prove that we weren’t on the rocks? Who knows?

The hardest bit now is not analysing it. Just focus on what you just said - you weren't compatible at all, but he called it, that's all.

I think he sounds rather immature and a bit of a dreamer and therefore inevitable this would happen. I think you’ll in time meet someone much more worthy of you. Dont torture yourself thinking about the good times. Focus on your son. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to make yourself feel good - massage, facial. Take each day as it comes and deal with that day and dont look too far into future. I got divorced at 37 and now at 49 much happier with someone else! Good luck

I’m due to have a spinal procedure tomorrow which has been making me feel anxious, maybe I was just too much?

What would this have looked like to this man who quite likes not having to adult properly? He likes the fun things and none of the responsibility. The fact he's dumped you just before you're out of action for a bit says a lot about his timing. Tacked on to everything else you've posted about him says he's not quite ready to grow up yet.

He's not a keeper OP.

actually a dog walker is on the list for most 'attractive jobs for men' because it shows they have a caring nature

Who publishes this list of 'most attractive jobs for men', pray? The OECD?

OP, what everyone has been saying. I can already see from your replies that you're beginning to realise how deeply un-ideal this man was. You're better than that -- try not to give analysing it too much headspace. You were incompatible, but he just happened to be the one to call it, because more change was being expected of him, and he got cold feet.

There were a lot of red flags OP that you seemed to have ignored!
You are far better off without him.

Hope that your feeling a bit better today. Your better off without him, seems like he could make up his mind what he wanted ,cutting you off like that is so heartless. You will get over it, takes time.x

As the time goes on (72 hours without him) I’m beginning to realise that it is the distraction and attention I miss. The idea of a future planned out and knowing how everything was meant to be. I’m finding it hard to think about London or see the skyline on the news etc as it brings back all the nice memories I had. The fact that I’m in hospital today, something he knew I was super anxious about and he still chose to end it when he did says a lot about him.

Have you had your procedure? Hope you are feeling OK, and have some support. You will figure out your own future eventually, and it will be far better than the compromises you have been making for the sake of being in a relationships, but don't put yourself under pressure now, when you're feeling vulnerable and in hospital. It does indeed say something about him (NOT you) that he dumped you via text before you had to go into hospital.

Hi, yes procedure all done. Turns out having a huge needle inserted in your spine is less painful than being dumped by text at 35! X

@BE2BN2BE the fact he hasn't text you to see how it went should say it all really! The guys sounds like a massive dickhead

Im sorry but 30-40 texts a day sounds truly unhinged to me.

If he can swerve between this level contact and then ghosting you, you’d be crazy to try and count on him for anything adult like parenting or holding down a real job.

Lucky escape.

That’s the thing I find so difficult! I don’t understand how you go from totally constant contact to nothing! It feels so harsh. We’re officially on day 4 of split and I’m still feeling confused but I’m feeling stronger. I unfriended him on FB. Removed him from my phone totally and I’m feeling wobbly but on the up xx

I take that back. I’m having a massive wobble. I’m teary, I miss him, I hate him, I love him all at the same time. How could he do this to me? Xx

Drink tea, eat chocolate, curl up and watch comforting movies and make soup if you like all those things. That's my version of therapy plus a long walk in the autumn sunshine.
He was cruel to do what he has done. My ex did the whole "never been sure about us" thing after telling me a handful of weeks in that he would be with me forever unless I said otherwise. I ended things with him for a variety of reasons but it really hurt when he said he'd never been sure. Onwards and upwards. Write yourself a list of all his bad points. Absolutely EVERYTHING. And read it back when you wobble x

You are going to go through highs and lows, it's completely normal (I know it doesn't make it any easier to go through though). Somewhere out there is a decent man who will give you everything you want from a relationship. What you had with him wasn't balanced, he is looking for another mother not an equal and loving relationship. flowers

And don't underestimate the effects of yesterday's procedure on your mood today flowers

He told me he loved me after 6 weeks. Hmmmmm, red flag right there.

He texted you 30 or 40 times a day. No wonder he didn’t have time for a proper job.

I wonder if that first text was for you at all. And that’s why the second one doesn’t make sense and why he blocked you so quickly.

I think the thought of him with someone else right now might tip me over the edge. His picture on whatsapp is still the two of us (I checked on my sisters phone). I unadded his boss on FB this morning and just sent her a message saying thanks for being so lovely to me over the past year, I probably sounded a bit poor me and when she relied it was that she understood and to take care. I don’t know why but I wanted her to be as incensed as I am. How could he do this to you? What’s his problem? How can he say he loved you and then dump you? I’m sorry for going on but I think my family and friend are getting a bit fed up with me now and so I don’t be feel like I have many places to turn. I know it would never have worked and when I think about his behaviour it’s pretty shocking. I think I’m just mourning the promises he made to me, he seemed like everything I wanted.

Thats what I guessed- no dog walker ever managed to pay his own way in London on that alone!

I know dog walkers who earn over £40 an hour in London. Just saying...