Dumped out of the blue

[BE2BN2BE]

Hi all, pretty much what it says. Friday night all was fine I get a message at 9.30 saying he loved me then one at 9.34 saying he doesn’t think he can move to where I live anymore (50 miles away) and then one two minutes later saying he doesn’t think he can raise someone else’s child. We’ve been together for 16 months. He’s in London I’m in Brighton, we met on tinder. I’d been single for 9 months after splitting from my EH in October 2016. My DS was 2 1/2 when we met. I’ve never asked or assumed he would parent him. He was wonderful when we first met, sent me flowers at work, complimented me and made me feel like I was worthy of love again, he told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we made plans for him to move here, that eventually we’d have another child. He wanted to start his own business (he’s currently working for a company as a dog walker) he said he didn’t want to do it forever. I can’t tell you how happy he made me. We’d have amazing weekends in London, he eventually met my DS and threw himself into all the fun bits of parenting eg theme parks, zoos etc. Then around April he turns around and tells me he’s decided he doesn’t want anymore kids and when I try to talk to him about it he turns his phone off for 17 hours. I was distraught. We spoke and he wouldn’t budge. I thought maybe I could learn to accept not having more kids if I was so happy with him. Since then things have not quite ever been the same. He was very slowly withdrawing which sent me over the top, i would send gushing messages about how much he means to me to him just to be replied with ‘you say the best things’ I was desperate for him to say it back. He spoke to me a few months ago that he was finding the idea of moving difficult we spoke about how it wouldn’t be for a while and we would deal with the problems one by one together. On Wednesday morning he messaged me to say I was the love of his life, he then started saying he wasn’t sure about me and DS coming to his parents Boxing Day because he ‘didn’t know what was going on’ all seemed fine and then boom. We had an argument in September where he just disappeared and went camping in Wales for the weekend (even though we had a hotel booked) after he text me that ‘he loved me only a life I seek is a quiet one just doing my own things by myself’ he then blocked me on whatsapp. I’ve not heard anything for 48 hours. Who dumps someone over text in their mid 30’s? We’ve got holidays booked next year, we literally last Sunday bought Merlin passes.
I feel worthless and stupid and so so so humiliated. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me what a needy mess I am.

It's so difficult when you're laid up not to dwell on what's happened- and it was so sudden you are in a form of shock. All you can do OP is sleep it off, watch box sets, count each hour that goes by as further evidence of your lucky escape. You'll get there

Be prepared that he may try and get back into contact in a month or two when he thinks you'll be all healed up and have forgotten how hurt you are. Fair-weather people often do try and waltz back in when the suns come back out.

Op, once you have recovered from your spine injection start looking into doing some sort of assertiveness training and building up your self esteem. Good luck!

@BE2BN2BE

He still has a picture of you two on his WhatsApp? Now that is pretty odd. Yet he still hasn't given you any contact? Wow! You mention you met his parents, did he meet your family?

@Issy777 Yes, met all my family (including extended at a family party) visited my 88 yr old Nan with me often, came to Father’s Day dinner with my brothers and sisters. I went to dinner with his family for his birthday and met his sister (which he’s never done with another girl). I honestly thought he was in it for the long haul.

Is it really sad that I’ve been counting down the hours since I last heard from him (102). I still can’t believe a man that could claim to love me could just abandon everything we had so easily. I used to think he was independent because he was so focused on only doing what he wanted and ‘quirky’ because he only shopped at Charity shops turns out he was just selfish and tight!

OP don't try to work out how he thinks, it's an impossibility and will only serve to distress you more.

Forget everything he said, and focus on what he did, particularly how he has behaved this last week, this is who he is.

You will be okay

Someone living at home in an ongoing basis with their mum and dad is not independent and not really able/willing to take care of themselves, which means they are most definitely not able - willing really - to take care of other people. If your relationship had developed to its normal, longer term conclusion, he would have been living with and helping take care of a child ... He didn't want to. He doesn't even want to take care of himself in a normal adult way. The longer the relationship went on and the more invested you got (and it sounds like you appeared invested) the more he realised that it was going to go that way and he either had to get on board with it or get out.

He should've thought it through and probably not gotten involved, but unfortunately human nature isn't really like that a lot of the time. He probably thought he'd see how it went,nor thought you might not get invested and maybe only want casual/short ish term, possibly got carried away due to attraction at the start etc etc.

At least the sex was good.

OP, I really feel for you, but the facts are the facts, and you are quite right. A decent person wouldn't treat you like this, and neither would someone who loved you. He was NEITHER of those things.

His protestations of love were his 'back-up plan' for when he decides he wants to pick you up again (only to drop you again when it suits). He hasn't gone 'No Contact', because NC is what people who are being abused do. People who are breaking up after 16 months have the long awkward conversation where you let the dumped partner ask any and all questions, and you try to explain falling out of love as best you can. Then no further contact because it is over.

What he has done is Ghost you, and that is the action of a spineless yuck-man at best.

As someone up-thread said, ,he's classic - sweeps you off your feet saying anything and everything you want to hear. Then backtracks when reality hits. He's emotionally unavailable, and he will always be so.

Someone doing this is a huge red flag (rather than an amber alert) and red flags are deal-breakers in my book. Whenever you find yourself acting a certain way to sort of prompt the other person into reciprocating, it is a sign that you are trying to teach another adult how to behave (using demonstration), and that's a sign you are losing yourself into the relationship. It's starting to descend into being a game and a power struggle, and that's not what relationships are truly about. So again, I'd see that as a deal-breaker.

I suspect that if you get really honest with yourself, it isn't him you are missing. You are missing the idea of the relationship, the 'potential' him he would turn into if only he would become the person he pretended to be, and the hopes you had for the future.

There if far better out there for you, and he was in the way of you finding someone who was really compatible (if you want to). Please don't ever take him back. You've seen this is a repeating pattern. It will repeat for as long as you let it, because men like him will keep playing the same game for as long as they can get away with it.

@ChristmasFluff you are totally right in many instances.
I don’t miss him, I miss being being half of a couple, I miss what the future may have held. We actally disagreed on many, many issues (politics mainly). He helped me move on after the devastating break up from my ex, but in the end the fact that he made himself so emotionally unavailablele started to really miles with me. It’s tough but everyday is easier.
I’ve just seen (sisters phone again) that he’s changed his WhatsApp photo to one of just him riding his bike. I feel sad but also I don’t feel anything. It’s definitely made it crystal clear that things are over. Onwards and upwards x

Wow I thought i was the only one that's been blocked on WhatsApp by an ex.... can't believe there are two complete and utter bell-ends in the world. My teenagers don't behave like that!!

@wtf2015 I’m so sorry you had to go through that too. I think i’m really starting to piss my friends and family off because it’s all I can talk about but I’m still in shock. Who treats someone they ‘love’ like that?? X

@BE2BN2BE .... no not just you. Happened to me in September, we'd only been together a few months but had been very intense. Did you get blocked on Facebook as well? It's so flipping insulting, hurtful, embarrassing, rejecting, unbelievable.... I still can't understand it.

@wtf2015 I unadded him pretty much straight away because I couldn’t deal with the pain if he had done it first. I’m glad I managed to get in one messge before he blocked me just saying that he owed me £520 (we booked a trip to eurodisney next year!) and telling him he was a spineless coward for not telling me to my face. I have such ups and downs. I know it’s only been 5 days but it already feels like a lifetime. I just don’t know if I have the emotional resilience to go through online dating again. All my friends are couples and although meeting someone is not my priority I just feel like at 35 I’m over the hill to find someone to share my life with. I wanted another child but I can’t see that happening now. Even though I know it was the best thing it just feels like I wasted 17 months of mine and my sons life xx

It will be a long time before I'm ready to date again. I think n when you are treated with such unprovoked disrespect having being treated well, it shakes your self esteem and trust.

Totally. This is my second breakup in two years. My first was from my husband of 3 years (together for 13 in total) he was an alcoholic and although our split was horrible there was a clear downward spiral to our relationship. Although my new guy wasn’t perfect and we were heading down it’s just taken me by such surprise. It’s almost hit me harder. I would really recommend the Paul McKenna book ‘I can mend your broken heart’ I’ve been reading it since Aunday and it’s helped. I’m also in counselling. I’m gonna have a lot to talk about as quite a bits happened in a week! X

I will say it as well !! He is a loser .. not only are you better off without him .. your DS deserves better too ...
Few weeks you will be relieved

Hang about...a dog walker from Battersea? Are you sure it was a job and he wasn't an unpaid volunteer?

He sounds like a total loafer to me.

Onwards and upwards sweetheart x

Op I’m so sorry you’re having such a bad time. I was in your position 2 years ago. Had an intense fling with someone who turned out to be a bit of an idiot. He promised the earth and like a fool I believed it all. Even though a lot of what he said didn’t really make sense and the red flags were waving away. He was a total love bomber, lots of texts, phone calls, didn’t give me chance to catch my breath really and very quickly I got swept away by it. It hurt when it finished and I had to pick myself back up again.

I gave myself a good year by myself so that I could figure out what I wanted from life and didn’t need to emotionally rely on anyone else. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Eventually I met someone else and am very happy now. All this in my 40’s so your dating life isn’t over because your relationship ended when you were 35. You’re still a spring chicken 😄

Get yourself out and about to keep your mind off him. Soon you won’t be counting the hours he hasn’t been in contact. You won’t care. You need to give yourself time to heal and get used to being just you and your child again. Soon you’ll start to enjoy the little things in life again and you’ll think about your ex less and less. That’s when you truly start to heal.

Thank you all. I had an unexpectedly rough evening/ morning. I woke up after a strange dream and my first instinct was to message him. I know I need time and I know that I’m the long run this was totally the best thing. He was emotionally immature, he was great at the first half of our relationship when it was just fun stuff but the minute it got slightly more mundane and less exciting he was off. My DS deserves better. I just feel a little bit hollow and fragile this morning. I feel utterly pathetic for feeling this way because he clearly isn’t giving two shits.

But I do just want to say thank you to all of you. I’m not sure what I expected on here but from my experiences posting on teaching forums people get super judgemental and harsh and leave you feeling awful. You guys have just been brilliant and I’ve truly appreciated every comment. Thank you x

People are so harsh on here calling him a loser because of his job?!? What the hell... a dog walker and what's wrong with that?

^This. They wouldn’t be saying that if he was a woman

Be on your guard, OP. He will probably start sniffing around you again once he realises the gravy train has stopped.

I don’t think he’s a loser but he was totally unambitious. He was quite happy making minimum wage cash in hand, no pension (which is something that always makes me worry) no sick pay etc etc I know this is how lots of people live but the fact that he never wanted more and was happy just living in his parents box room always was playing at the back of my mind.

@BE2BN2BE

Hi op was just wondering did he reply to the message about you asking him for that money he owed for the Disneyland trip?

Just that extra update there has made me think that's why he blocked you. And has tried to limit any contact

My friend had this with her ex he ghosted her and she was heartbroken but realised was of fear of paying back money owed (as he was a scrounging loser with no money and always in debt)

So just a nod to you that it's not you it may be the fact he's avoiding paying you back and that's the easiest way