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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for Spook 3

413 replies

ponygirl · 28/08/2004 21:33

Here it is!

OP posts:
spook · 01/09/2004 16:42

Hello my lovely anorak. I know I know. I'm quite amazed that I managed to piss him off quite so spectacularly.Wonder if it's because he never expected me to fight back? As long as I'm away from that house and contact with him I seem to do OK.I will have a lovely couple of days thankyou. The boys are really happy to be here and we've bought their bikes. We're just going to play and cuddle away from the stifling atmosphere of home. And I will obviously be drinking shit loads of wine. We're just watching Goldmember. It's very very funny but perhaps not wholly suitable for a 4 year old. Lots and lots of love. XXX
PS Caught the end of your thread about DS1s birthday. I'm afraid I ouldn't really concentrate on anything yesterday so I'm really sorry I didn't post. But I hope she really enjoyed her day and you managed to spend some nice family time together? Give her my love?

anorak · 01/09/2004 16:49

Thanks spook. She has gone out again. I'll tell her tomorrow when she comes back. She'll be staying at a friend's tonight.

Beetroot · 01/09/2004 16:57

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spook · 01/09/2004 17:04

Thanks Beety! What a lovely offer. I can fly sleazyjet to Bristol so may well take you up on that! Better check with anorak what kind of houseguest I am. Actually-it's not me it's my brood I'd worry about!

anorak · 01/09/2004 17:14

Having met both of you I can highly recommend each to the other. Two lovely ladies who I predict will get on famously

Beetroot · 01/09/2004 17:19

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JuniperDewdrop · 01/09/2004 17:52

It's good to hear you sounding so positive spook

spook · 02/09/2004 09:49

Gulp.Just had text-"I replied in anger to your mail and actions yesterday. I went over the top and regret it." No sorry I'm a twat or anything. Mmm-really looking forward to reading that email when I get home! Then he asks about the boys. He's not sorry for anything regarding me-just scared that he's screwing up seeing his kids! Oh well-if his emails as nasty as I'm expecting it's one for my solicitor. He actually said about the divorce on Tuesday "well its not adultery is it-it's irreconcilable differences!" Yeah right.

Blu · 02/09/2004 10:35

Sorry, Spook, have been away from your thread for a bit.
It sounds like plate-techtonics: the big fractures are really starting to throw up violent changes in the landscape, and it must be so so scary to be ging through this phase.

Typical of him, isn't it? He expects to be able to off-load unspeakable nastiness on you, but you are not allowed to re-act.

Really, really sorry. Wish I was nearer.

anorak · 02/09/2004 10:38

So sorry, spook. It sounds like you have made him sit up and take notice, anyway.

I believe that irreconcilable differences is the only legal grounds for divorce, but of course it is his adultery which has led to those differences! I'm sure you didn't use to bag up his clothes every Tuesday and throw them out on the lawn when he was living with you!

You may find that as the days and weeks go by he will stop seeming like a lovely, gorgeous, hunky husband to you, and will take on the aura of a pompous, stupid and untrustworthy twat. While this is a disappointment, it certainly makes it easier to cope.

spook · 03/09/2004 20:56

I am quite speechless for once. This was the mail waiting for me when I got back tonight.I just can't work out how to feel about it.

Well, you seem to forget all the NASTY things you have said
also. I have heard more than enough I hate you's over the years.
You have been wholly inconsistent throughout. You threw me out and
changed the locks (of MY house)
so I COULDN'T return. I have suffered the humiliation of picking the
kids up at the top of my drive, from my Mother's and then when it suits
you, its back down the drive, in the house, have a coffee etc. Followed
the very next day by - your stuff is on the lawn, come and get it!

Its the constant changing of mind, the inconsistency ("we cant go to
Ibiza because the lawyer says so,we're staying here, no! we're off to
London, I'll have to lump it and pay the school fees even though you
don't want to interrupt their schooling")

Everything you have ever done is because you love me-bollocks! You have
had a lovely life with me,
I was consistently, loving, giving, patient, understanding etc etc but
eventually I went out the house
with one too many fleas in my ear and the spell was broken. I hung on,
I really did
I really hoped we could move forward amicably. Of course I still love
you, but not in the romantic
way you want. That's gone now. You are as culpable as me for that
demise. We have two fantastic
children to bring up, and we need to do that with them in mind, not
ourselves. One thing we surely still agree on is their welfare.
Everything that is decided for them from now on needs to be thought out
properly. I will never agree to them living in London. I have spent my
whole life staying away from
there. I want them to grow up where the air is fresh.

The thing about birthday presents or any other kind of giving, is that
the giving is its own reward.
You don't bitch about how it is received. I appreciated your efforts
but they were still a lot about you

  • "the healing..", "I'm Moving On Up...." , Bent etc. Kooks and Smells Like Teen Spirit got me though. That said, I don't think you should upset someone on their birthday, and all the calls and texts only spoilt the day.

I have worked my bollocks off for years to get the things you seem to
take for granted. I bought the
big house in Gosforth, I made the house in Ibiza happen when everyone
else gave up. I provided
and I never once made an issue about it. You did have all your constant
holiday plans taken care
of and everything else you wanted. I got inconsistent mood swings, no
passion and for every I love
you, a flea was waiting around the corner.

All I'll say about gold digging Katherine is that she has never asked
me for anything. She has not
moved in with me and has no intention of doing so. (Be careful, here
because when we met, I was the
one with the house etc and you had no problems with all that). I am
certainly not interested in any gossip
about her or slurs on her character.

I know I have hurt you and I am sorry. I also was hurt.

It would be fantastic if we could go forward as friends and support
each other with whatever happens next. I fear the worst now though and
should the gloves come off, which I sincerely hope they do not,
remember, I am a fighter.

soapbox · 03/09/2004 21:05

Hi Spook!

Well that's some email isn't it!

Totally up his own arse as always. He of course has been the paragon of consistency throughout the whole sorry story - consistently an arse.

What does he expect of you - to sit around and be best buddies - ridiculous man totally ridiculous! I am very angry for you but sod it you too can be and are a fighter

spook · 03/09/2004 21:25

Thanks Soapbox. I can't work myself out at this minute. I am sort of wandering around in some sort of numb daze. You know what has upset me more than anything? That comment about when we met. We fell head over heels in love so so deeply that we could have had a shoebox between us and we would have been happy. How has it come to this.My whole life has been some sort of sham.
There were some comments in the mail about my friend who I have just been with and has been a constant to me throughout. But,she's known Keith for 27 years and there was a very brief history between them-but literally 20 odd years ago. A couple of summers ago in St Tropez I had a very funny feeling about one evening in particular and he made a comment some time ago about how totally hypocritical certain people were being. I now have a very very strange feeling in my tummy about this. He refered to how my "new best friend" could inform me of the exact moment that he'd had enough of our marraige. I have left her a message to call me. I really feel odd.

ponygirl · 03/09/2004 21:28

Hi Spook. Blimey, what a load of b**cks! He really is re-writing history here, isn't he? Please try and let this wash over you, Spook. It's just another case of him lashing out at you while he avoids examining his own actions in the clear light of day. He's not going to be admitting any fault here any time this decade, or probably the next.

I find his use of the children and their welfare particularly distasteful. How dare he?? Exactly how much concern has he shown them thus far? Who's been there for them through their tears and pain, comforting them while dealing with their own? Not him, that's for sure!

This email is a prime example of why you need to let go and move on. He is no longer the man you loved with such loyalty and passion. As far as I understand it, he can't stop you taking the boys anywhere. Show this email to your solicitor and keep planning your new, and better, life. Lots of love. xxx

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 03/09/2004 21:31

hello spook another lurker on your thread wanting to raise her head above the parapet and express support.

sorry that your ex sent you such a dreadful e-mail and is continuing to present himself as the victim. he seems to be forgetting the simple fact that he left you, and can't expect you to sit around, smile, and live your life exactly as he wants it. I do hope that your ex's nasty comment about your friend was hot air, and that there was nothing significant behind it. Take care

ponygirl · 03/09/2004 21:38

Spook, I posted before I saw your last message. I'm not surprised you feel odd. Sick to the stomach at what he is implying, I should think. True or not, his comments are visious and entirely aimed at undermining you and your new stability. You need to find out what he means, for the sake of your friendship, but this episode does him no credit, whatever way you look at it.

OP posts:
Blu · 03/09/2004 21:59

oooh. Ponygirl and Mummytosteven have expressed my own reaction to this, too.

The worst, and sad thing is, none of us, presumably, not me, anyway, ever imagines a relationship has a 'baddy' and a 'goody', just two people trying to look after each other and make each other happy. He just blamed you, in your absense, apparantly, gave you no chance to work with him on what he saw as problems, and is now blaming you for not waving him off down the road with a packet of Hovis sandwiches and an invitation for Sunday dinner.

It's very easy to re-write and re-interpret history in hinsight, it's emotionally lazy, and dishonest. The moment he chose not to care about your marriage was the moment his ego fell prey to Catsick Kat. He should have thought what effect destroying his marriage would have on the boys and their access to clean air before he took his underpants off.

BUT the bit that is 'for better and for worse' now is your shared parenting of the boys. What can you gain now from entering into fruitless discussion with him about your past? Nothing. It's a horrible e mail, but you could argue with him about every nuance for another 8 months. If you feel your life as an independent woman, and your boys life within that, is best served in london, do it, and make sure there is a good arrangement for them to stay close to their Dad. If in your heart of hearts you are doing because doing anything is a better distraction from your pain than doing nothing, and especailly if you are doing it because you want him to feel the loss, then think again.

I am glad you have called your friend, and I hope she can talk to you sensibly and honesltly about what the hell he is on about - but don't allow his threats and nonsense to set the agenda for anything that is 'yours', IYSWIM.

So, so sorry, Spook. How can he be so nasty? As I remember it, you found out because after umpteen years of marriage you were putting an 'I love you' card in his travel bag. How the hell many other MN-husbands does he think still get that after years, kids,.....
Oh, he makes me so angry.

joanneg · 03/09/2004 22:03

spook it sounds like the plees of a man who knows he is loosing control of you. He realises that you are moving on and doesnt like it. What a git. If he really wanted to move on and do what is best for the children and be friend with you he would never have sent you that. No matter what he thought he should have bit his tongue and not respond in this way because all is does is create bad feeling.

You are sooo much better off in your new life. Please know that I have followed your threads and believe it or not your recent ones have seemed different some how. I know it still hurts and you have bad days but you are getting stronger and your new life will help you move forward. He does not want this. DO NOT LET HIM RUIN WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO ACHIEVE. He isnt coming home and you are more than his childrens mum. You are a woman in your own right and deserve a life. ((hugs))

spook · 03/09/2004 22:19

They did. And it was in Paris when DS1 was a BABY! How the fuck am I going to deal with that one.

Blu · 03/09/2004 22:23

I don't know. That is very horrible.
At the time, he was the one with the responsibility to his marriage.
It makes his position even more sleazy, his self-righteousness even more hard to swallow. So h wasn't doing the best by his marriage from that early on. Am I right in thinking she wasn't so close to you at the time it happened?
How did you leave it with her? How much does it feel it matters to you?

Blu · 03/09/2004 22:26

What a bastard. And he thinks he can 'get at you' by being smug about that?

Walk away, Spook, just walk away. There's no way this can come right, and no way you can argue any morals or sense into him.

Calm down, go into a calm and ultra cool state of shock absorbtion, and be you, yourself, your own woman. And hang on in here.

hoxtonchick · 03/09/2004 22:29

Oh spook, what a W**R. So sorry you have to deal with even more. I haven't got anything practical to say, but wanted to send support. xxx

Beetroot · 03/09/2004 22:34

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moomina · 03/09/2004 22:39

OMG, Spook. Just can't believe you are getting all this heaped on you. And Blu made such a good point - how in your very first post you told us that the only reason you found out about all of this was because you were slipping a love-letter into your husband's bag. And yet somehow, in his mind, this is all your fault for not being a Stepford Wife, is it??? Words fail me.

The more I read these threads the more angry I get, on your behalf. I just wish this would all disappear for you, but it won't, so you damn well let those gloves come off, and start fighting. We'll be with you all the way.

Blu · 03/09/2004 22:39

Spook, I'm really sorry that after all this time, i haven't got your phone no. If I had I would call you, right now.
Look in the mirror, take another long deep breath, breathe out, and see yourself walk free of this bloody man and his nonsense.

Are you there?

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