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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for Spook 3

413 replies

ponygirl · 28/08/2004 21:33

Here it is!

OP posts:
spook · 16/09/2004 10:57

No Blu. Just said he thinks he "should" come over to the house instead. We weren't meeting for lunch Anorak. Just a coffee. It's the putting a time limit on it I don't appreciate. BUT calm calm calm. I will tell him I am going to be in town in the morning anyway but if he really would prefer the house then why not 1.30. Don't want to be pressured.
Becca is Life Coaching me over the text too!

Blu · 16/09/2004 11:05

I think putting your own criteria on the need for unpressured time is imprtant. Do you feel comfortable having the discussion in the house? I suppose it's a trade off between privacy and how you feel about him in your space / the house you shared. In some ways, if he's trying to duck out of confrontation, emotional scenes etc, it would be easier for him to meet in a public space.

But you're not going to do that, anyway, are you?

XXX

spook · 16/09/2004 11:08

No I'm not. I will be the calmest kindest most loving happy ex-wife a man could have. He'll leave here wondering just why I am an "ex"-wife!!!! (my mantra-I am proud.I am regal. I am like a golden eagle.) Yeah and I don't deserve a fucking bald one.

Twinkie · 16/09/2004 11:16

Spook - X2b ignored and did not fill in his financial forms properly - get your soliciotr to apply for a court date and to put in a request for ancillary relief as well as putting a time limit with a penal notice attached for him to reply to letters etc...

It really works after 2 years we are finally going to court very soon.

As for the settlement - tell him that neither of you can discuss it until you have had your Financial Directions Hearing to see what a judge would award you so thet neither of you are going to be able to get on or make decisions until he fills the forms in.

Do not start selling portfolios etc. if he has paid the mortgage always and he stops now it will make him look like an arsehole in court - by all means put money into an account but a bare minimum and contact the CSA to get them on his case ASAP - with the threat of ancillary relief, child support and court believe me he will realise that the longer he leaves it the more his pot will depleat and it is in his best interest to get this all sorted out quickly!!

As forseeing the boys that can also be set in stone by the solicitor - it would be every other weekend and half of the school holidays usually if set out in court and tell him you are not going to do this but in the end will have to fill in a statement of arrangements so that you both know where you stand and he can't mess you or his sons about. If you want you can refuse overnights so the CSA give you more of his money - pathetic but would exert a little revenge on your part!!

As for Friday - your original plans will have to stand - you cannot at this late notice change them and do not do it now - he will think that thsi is acceptable all of the time and your time is as precious as yours - he is going to have to start dancing to your beat honey rather than you doing it the other way around!!

As for the clothes - a DVF dress over jeans looks cool and funky and not too over the top or dressy!!

ggglimpopo · 16/09/2004 11:18

Message withdrawn

Blu · 16/09/2004 11:29

I LIKE 'Spook the Eagle' - they are so graceful dignified, beautiful, strong - and have massive talons and beak! Not loving at all!

spook · 16/09/2004 11:42

Thanks Twinkie. Have just spoken to my solicitor. A week today we proceed with the court order over his finances. We gave him 28 days to do it voluntarily and that will be up next Thursday. My solicitor says this is the man who will not even give you his address-he could be spending all this money on Gucci handbags for his girlfriend. Got an allie there I think.
So God knows what we will takl about tomorrow. What do I do when he starts yelling at me about going to London and taking the boys out of school etc? How do I stay calm and pleasant when he is trying to control my future? Feel a bit shaky now. I HATE talking to my solicitor. Got to go in and sign my affadavit. What's that???
Thanks ggglimpopo. I AM desirable (well I will be by 1.30 tomorrow I hope)!!

Blu · 16/09/2004 11:47

Does he yell?
If he does, just soar above him until he has finished. Rather than over the well-known ground of why you have to leave, perhaps you could pro-actively present him with a schedule - sort out settlement, put house on markewt, find house and business premises in london, all nicely ready to move at the end of the school year (and realistically you wouldn't be able to do all that very much quicker, would you?)

"yes, yes, of course you are mindful of how well the boys are doing, you are planning to make a smooth transition for them, what could possibly be wrong with that?" attitude.

spook · 16/09/2004 12:00

Yes Blu. Yes!! Does anyone know how long my divorce will take now. Both parties signed. No=one contesting anything. I an clueless.

Twinkie · 16/09/2004 12:24

Spook can take a while to get the Financial Dispute Resolution Hearing so put in for it now.

I would also not even speak to him about anything to do with the divorce - what are you meeting him for - is it just to see him?? The solicitors can sort the divorce out - x2b soon pulled his finger out of his arse when he realised that speaking to me wouldf get him no where and Penal Notices were the way forward!! - The court gets really pissed with people who don't try and sort things out themselves but this does not mean doing it withouth declaring everything - x2b is only now going to give us 12 months wage slips and bank statements etc and this is only because he has to.

I would ring him and tell him that I am afraid that I now can't see him Friday, have some shoes or something to buy and to be hinest you would rather he speak directly to his solicitor and get this sorted out the proper legal way because you are not agreeing anything until everything is disclosed and seen by a judge!!

It does work honey - just don't try to sit and talk about it with him just as a way of seeing him - you may still love him and want him back now but in years to come if he has sat with you and talked you into something that was not in your best judgement you are seriously going to regret it!! By all means talk to him about the kids but that will also have to be put into a statement of arrangements to get you through the final bit of the divorce.

And go to the CSA - that will so make him want to speed things up!!

spook · 16/09/2004 12:29

Oh Twinkie. It's just to talk about everything really. Though I KNOW I am reading far too much into it and I know he is seeing it in an entirely different light to me. Please don't worry. I won't be talked into anything. I just want to be in the same room as him even if just for an hour. But I won't let that show I promise!!
And I know it takes forever. My sol. told me this morning an average 9 months!!!

fabarooney · 16/09/2004 13:34

Spook, are you really sure about meeting him on Friday? I know you want to see him, but he probably knows it too. It's more of the old "keep her dangling and it will be better for me" type thing. Be very careful and DONT agree to anything re settlements and the boys. (To answer your earlier question, I'm in sunny, sunny Holland.)

spook · 16/09/2004 13:52

Oh God no Fabarooney. I'm not now. The fact that he's moved the goalposts again-coming here etc has made me very uneasy. BUT I have to see him.He has to see the new calm in control gorgeous (?) me. And-yes-I am DESPERATE to see him. No-ones shat on me from a great height for at least a couple of weeks now...

spook · 16/09/2004 14:26

Aagghh. He's put it off till next week now coz he says he'll have all the forms filled in by then.FUCK FUCK FUCK. How can he still make me feel so SHIT

sykes · 16/09/2004 14:27

Spook, good luck on Friday and hope you have something nice to look forward to this weekend.

spook · 16/09/2004 14:31

Sykes. HI!!! How are you honey. What is ging on. Are you back together??I have been thinking about you alot

JuniperDewdrop · 16/09/2004 14:33

Spook he makes you feel like this because you still love him hun xx I'd love to be able to turn that tap off for you but only time can do that. I know you think you'll never get over him but believe me you will. What makes it even harder is having the boys who must remind you every time you look at them. Though I'm sure he's in your all the time anyway.
Nothing anyone can say or do is going to take this hurt away. I so wish it would. Please try to be as strong as you can. Do you believe in prayer? Don't want to get all heavy on you but it's helped me get through some unbelievable s*, or at least made the storm easier to ride.

spook · 16/09/2004 14:39

Oh Juniper.Thanks. I don't believe in prayer unfortunately. But summats got to give soon or I really will go mad. I just have this great big empty space and am forever yearning and wondering WHY?? Even some crappy e-mail or text frm him is better than nothing and I sit and wait and wait for a reply which inevitably takes hours to come if atall. I really understand the expression "bouncing off the walls" now. I am black and blue.

sykes · 16/09/2004 15:09

Spook, it's v kind of you to ask about me when you are having such a horrid time. We're still in counselling - and he's still in his "flat" - my criteria for any chances of reconcilliation are still the same - he's got to be on his own for at least six months to prove he means it this time. I'm rather confused about the whole thing and am not rushing into anything for obvious reasons. However, we are spending a lot of time together which is going well. I empathise so much with how you're feelind it's hideous and so painfull. Glad the boys are doing well at school.

spook · 16/09/2004 15:15

Sykes. I'm really really glad to hear it. You are so wise. You're my inspiration. Did you get as far as the divorce courts?

sykes · 16/09/2004 15:26

No - but had been to solicitor's v early on - rather left it alone and then got v pissed off so stepped up a gear and told him if he didn't make his mind up then divorce was happening very soon. It was a lot more complicated than that and am happy to talk to you about it if it would help?? I really hadn't wanted to get divorced so initially put it at a two-year separation. Then decided to formalise it which seemed to surprise him. We got very close to where you are and it wouldn't ahve surprised me if I had started proceedings.

sykes · 16/09/2004 15:31

Spook, hope you don't think I'm abandoning you and would love to chat. However, have to dash as am going up to London to shop this afternoon and then get gloriously drunk with two of my best friends. Will be back in a sorry state tomorrow. Take care and I have my fingers crossed and everything else for you for tomorrow.

spook · 16/09/2004 15:32

God-what the hell is it that goes on in their heads? I really don't know. But I do wish you all the luck in the world. I'm so happy that it finally seems to be coming together for you XXXX

fabarooney · 16/09/2004 18:22

Things will come together for you too, Spook. Things are c**p right now and you feel battered. It won't always be this way. It will get better, with or without him.

I think you should consider getting back in toudh with him and telling him you want your solicitor present at any discussion regarding the house and children. Pretending things are all nice and friendly does not change the fact that this is a negotiation for him, and people want what's best for themselves and not the other party in a negotiation. Make him feel uncomfortable and worried for once!

spook · 16/09/2004 18:31

Hi Fabarooney. Funnily enough I was just sat here gathering my strength. I'm trying to think of things to do next week to keep me EXTREMELY busy and out of the house and away from email. I am not going to press for a meet next week. Whats the point. If he's filling in the forms then good-we're getting somewhere. Me and my beautiful boys are his loss and he is a sad pathetic creature. He is throwing SO MUCH away and I am losing nothing but someone who doesn't love me,treats me like shit and can walk out on his family.
If he wants to talk let him come to me the complete TWAT. (see the difference between the midday me and the early evening me?? I spend too much time moping around this house)