What the actual fuck have I done?

[NoDeedYet]

Deep breath - and a name change. I’ve been married for a lot of years, 2 DC grown and flown. My DH has worked hard to support all of us, and is a good man in every way. But the last four years have been horrendous. He has had a series of health related things, none of which have been diagnosed as anything serious, but his mental state is very fragile. He’s snappy, self obsessed, and miserable as sin. He doesn’t want to see friends or family, and complains that nobody understands what he is going through. He obsesses about diet and exercise, and judges everyone else by what he feels is the right way to live. In his good moments he knows he needs help with sorting himself out, but he won’t see a doctor about anything that isn’t physical.

I’ve become his carer, the sounding board for all his rants, and spend my time trying to smooth his path as much as I can, because I know this isn’t really him, and that somewhere underneath all this shit is the man I married, despite the fact that he doesn’t see me as anything like a wife.

Now it gets bad. I’ve got a hobby that I love, it takes me outside and away from all the grief at home. It’s quite a blokey sport, I’m one of only a couple of women. And we go to the pub afterwards, and there’s always lots of chat, although I’d never said anything about what’s going on at home. One evening a few months ago I just let it all out to a man I’ve known for a couple of years, and he just put his arms round me while I had a good cry.

This is all so horribly predictable. He’s been really lovely, and over the last few months we’ve got very close. He’s in a miserable marriage as well (he’s not a bullshitter, we have mutual friends who know his situation). Last weekend we went away with a group, and the inevitable happened. It doesn’t help that it was the best sex of my life, although maybe if you haven’t DTD for four years that’s always going to seem the case.

I’ve spent the last four days in a total mind fog. This whole thing is so not like anything I’d ever have considered, I can’t quite believe it’s happened. The OM has messaged me, apologising and offered to back right off, move to another club etc. I haven’t had the bottle to even contact him back. Wise women, judge away because mea culpa and all that, but please tell me what I can do now to make this even slightly less terrible that it already is. Thanks for sticking with this, didn’t mean to make it so long.

Yeah Sethis is pretty much exactly what I was talking about in terms of bosom-heaving self-righteousness.

Terrible double standards. Utterly shameful and embarrassing.

If the OP was a man, dear Lord!

*Whereas you prefer not to have any ethics at all?

Okay, have fun with that. Glad you manage to sleep well at night despite lying, hiding, keeping secrets and betraying every promise you made - explicit or implied - to your partner. I really do hope they're doing exactly the same thing to you.*
OK Sethis (and I’ve only just twigged you are a man, are you a regular here or just popping by?) I’m guessing the above is aimed at me, and not at rebelrebel, despite how it reads. So would you really like to know how I sleep? Not at all is the answer, and I bet that makes you feel loads better.
I’m sorry to disabuse you, but my partner isn’t doing the same to me - I know this because I have to help him put his shoes on to get him out of the door, and then drive him to where he needs to go because he’s too frightened to drive himself.
This is the real world, and as ChiaraRimini said, good people sometimes do bad things. I did a bad thing, I regret it terribly. I’ve asked for help and advice on here, and got some good stuff.
But do you know what? Take your ethics and shove them up your sanctimonious orifice.

He's in that bad a way that you have to put his shoes on? He's in a really bad way. I didn't realise this, I must have missed something because I didn't get that at all. His is getting medical attention, what do they think is wrong with him?
Yes, you make vows in marriage in sickness and in health, I would feel it was pretty shit to be abandoned when I wasn't well and in need of support. But also, its a massive strain and in reality ppl do fail each other or just can't do it, and need to get out.
I dont know how I would manage in your position OP, only you know what's expected of you and what you give to your DH.

You need rl support. Is there a SW involved? Even i have a sw and I don't really need one, but I have ms, my dh is my carer, and my sw gets in touch every year or two. When I did need more support she was extremely helpful and was easy to contact. Does your dh, as a vulnerable adult, have one?

Is your gp aware of how hard you are finding life with your dh? Do you attend appts with him or just wait while he goes in? See the gp on your own behalf.

NDY - I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it sounds horrendous and to feel guilty on top of everything else is dreadful. Please do try to take strength from all the supportive/ non-critical messages and ignore the judgey ones.
Re Sethis - i actually thought his stupid comments were for me as I'd expressed the view that it's sometimes ok (and the best option) to keep secrets. I honestly don't think even an idiot like that would wish such awful things on someone who is clearly suffering so much and full of regret. Omg it's hard to understand what makes people so judgemental and the sheer nastiness that goes with it - something lacking in their own life i guess.

Take your ethics and shove them up your sanctimonious orifice

Now, now....I don't think anything has been near his orifice, for at least 4 years (cobwebs or tumbleweed maybe?)

I'd love him to tell me otherwise AND THEN I COULD POINT OUT, THAT HE IS IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE!

Sanctimonious twerp!

Anyway, from your last post about putting your husband's shoes on and driving him places, this is much worse then I thought. Why is this? What the hell is going on? How old are you both? This really can't go on my lovely.

In answer to some of the above, we are 50 and 52. The putting on the shoes thing is because his back hurts so much he can’t do them himself. He has been to countless Drs, our GP is kind but entirely useless, and he is seeing three different hospital departments. I usually go in with him, and it’s soul destroying to be given the next appointment in three months time. He has piles of paperwork about all this, and spends hours poring through it and swearing. If it wasn’t so pissing awful it would almost be funny.

There is never any excuse no matter how you spin it. No matter how dire you paint your a picture of your sacrificial life and how above reproach you are. What you are doing is wrong. Both of you are wrong to justify your "poor us, poor us and our ill burdensome spouses".

Life is funny with its twists and turns. If you ended up with this new man, will the two of you live in constant fear that should you fall ill and prove too much hassle, that the other will cheat?

Do the right thing. Having an affair is not the right thing. I can't see a happy ending with what you are doing. Momentary pleasure but many years of lack of peace, racked by guilt especially if your love interest turns out to be just another flawed human with poor health at some point.

Yes, @NoDeedYet it was 100% aimed at Rebel, not yourself.

You've actually shown you have some kind of moral compass by indicating regret. Rebel has not.

I love how actually having ethics -at all- makes me "sanctimonious".

Just because you've found a little coterie of people willing to make excuses for your adultery doesn't make you right.

YOU let the relationship get to this point.
YOU didn't take any action to fix the situation.
YOU didn't leave 3 years ago.
YOU didn't leave 2 years ago.
YOU didn't leave 1 year ago.
YOU chose to sleep with a married man because you hadn't had sex for 4 years.

You chose not to have sex for four years by staying in this relationship of your own free will instead of leaving.

Saying "How would you like it if you hadn't had sex for 4 years" is completely irrelevant simply because I'd never let it GET to the point where it had been 4 years in the first place. I would have been having conversations about the state of the relationship from the moment I felt something was wrong, and if nothing changed then I would have LEFT at the point where I felt I had exhausted every option available to get back a functioning relationship. Every day for the last 4 years you have made the choice not to resolve anything, and that's on YOU. Don't get angry because someone points that out and says that they wouldn't do the same as you.

Your husband isn't abusive. He's not coercive. He's not dangerous. Any day you wanted to walk out the door and not come back, he would have let you go. You chose not to walk, and instead choose to blame him for the shitty quality of life you're experiencing now. It takes two to tango, and you're showing no signs of wanting to leave the dance floor.

Saying "How would you like it if you hadn't had sex for 4 years" is completely irrelevant simply because I'd never let it GET to the point where it had been 4 years in the first place

So, you're saying if your wife was sick and wouldn't have sex with you, that you'd leave her? And this makes you morally superior to the Op? Wow.

It takes two to tango, and you're showing no signs of wanting to leave the dance floor

I have an image of you doing 3 finger clicks in the shape of a Z, after this little gem. Or perhaps clashing 2 cymbals together, before spinning off.

Nothing good ever comes out of lies and deceit. You may enjoy the sex for now but you will confront the consequences sooner or later.

If you are unhappy in your relationship sort that out first. Having an affair especially with a married man is not the solution. Both of you should worry about how the two of you are treating your partners. Neither of you can ever really trust each other.

Lies and deceit never result in any good.

You are human. The situation at home is incredibly tough. You understandably feel guilty, but nothing will be achieved by beating yourself up about this. My advice-tell no one. Then just you and OM know. It will not get out and risk hurtiing your husband or the OM's wife.

You then need to think about what you do about the situation with your DH. I know that is simplifying it massively, but the fact you cheated suggests to me that there are serious issues in the marriage. You are not a serial cheater and whatever other people say, if all were rosy at home this would not have happened

What a society we live in when people actively encourage others to dull their conscience against their wrong doing. The OP feels guilty because she is doing something wrong.

We encourage others to suppress their conscience then when as a society this ricochets and affect us, we turn around and call others heartless or callous.

Let's all ignore our consciences and relish the wrongs we are doing because poor us, it is so difficult to do the decent thing. Smh

Your husband deserves better.

No excuses for cheating.