What the actual fuck have I done?

[NoDeedYet]

Deep breath - and a name change. I’ve been married for a lot of years, 2 DC grown and flown. My DH has worked hard to support all of us, and is a good man in every way. But the last four years have been horrendous. He has had a series of health related things, none of which have been diagnosed as anything serious, but his mental state is very fragile. He’s snappy, self obsessed, and miserable as sin. He doesn’t want to see friends or family, and complains that nobody understands what he is going through. He obsesses about diet and exercise, and judges everyone else by what he feels is the right way to live. In his good moments he knows he needs help with sorting himself out, but he won’t see a doctor about anything that isn’t physical.

I’ve become his carer, the sounding board for all his rants, and spend my time trying to smooth his path as much as I can, because I know this isn’t really him, and that somewhere underneath all this shit is the man I married, despite the fact that he doesn’t see me as anything like a wife.

Now it gets bad. I’ve got a hobby that I love, it takes me outside and away from all the grief at home. It’s quite a blokey sport, I’m one of only a couple of women. And we go to the pub afterwards, and there’s always lots of chat, although I’d never said anything about what’s going on at home. One evening a few months ago I just let it all out to a man I’ve known for a couple of years, and he just put his arms round me while I had a good cry.

This is all so horribly predictable. He’s been really lovely, and over the last few months we’ve got very close. He’s in a miserable marriage as well (he’s not a bullshitter, we have mutual friends who know his situation). Last weekend we went away with a group, and the inevitable happened. It doesn’t help that it was the best sex of my life, although maybe if you haven’t DTD for four years that’s always going to seem the case.

I’ve spent the last four days in a total mind fog. This whole thing is so not like anything I’d ever have considered, I can’t quite believe it’s happened. The OM has messaged me, apologising and offered to back right off, move to another club etc. I haven’t had the bottle to even contact him back. Wise women, judge away because mea culpa and all that, but please tell me what I can do now to make this even slightly less terrible that it already is. Thanks for sticking with this, didn’t mean to make it so long.

I completely get you OP. You're now in the tough situation of whether your conscience will let you keep it to yourself or not x

I think there is a lot of judgement on this thread. I would perhaps have judged, too, had I not been in the marriage I had been in for 20 years. I now wouldn't presume to judge anyone for anything. On similar lines, I think I used to judge mums who went out to work, when I was a smug married SAHM. Experience tells me that judging anyone, male or female, for any reason, is a big mistake.

OP I don't believe you. I too have only ever been with my husband that I have been with since I was a child. I don't think I could ever have an affair. Impossible. I would die of a heart attack I reckon. (him on the other hand... )

If what you say is really true then you have fucked up big time. I pity your DH. I really do. Has he also only ever been with you? I pray for his sake not, because if so, he's in the position I'm in now. Why does nobody else see this as a big deal?

Fuck yes I judge. This is just more confirmation that I'm not from the same planet as the majority on this dirty rock. I simply don't understand any of your behaviour, much less feel sympathetic to it. I mean... how?... Why...? Huh...?

Where is @anyfucker when you need her

Tbh so what.

Park it. Don’t do it again

I think you have made things more complicated by your actions

No judgement here. We're all human. Yes you went too far but you had enough provocation.
I ended my marriage mainly because of a lack of intimacy.
I know someone who ended hers last week for the same reason and another friend who's currently planning her 'escape' from a sexless marriage.
Move on if it's not serving you anymore and give your husband a chance to do the same.

Instead of planning to give your DH an ultimatum at some time. Why don't you tell him what you did. And why you did it. You've explained it on here. So why not to him?

Then he gets to have an equal choice in the future.

How long anyone can live in a sexless marriage, is of course an individual thing. For me, I could not go longer than a year, no way. Probably less even.

For the posters who have only slept with ONE person their whole lives, it's such a bloody shame. And it almost happened to me. I was with my childhood sweetheart for 20 years. He cheated (a lot) and I left him. I had no problems sleeping with other people after that. Why would I? I then slept with a lot of men, and each and every one was different in bed, and I can't believe now, that I could have gone to my grave only ever having slept with my first H, who was at best "average" in the sack.

Op has had attention, affection and great sex with OM. This is her Pandora's box. She may not leave her husband today, tomorrow, next week or next month, but leave him she will, because once Pandora's box has been opened, it's hard to put the lid back on, and pretend that the grey and angry life that you are living is okay until you die. Everyone deserves joy, colour, affection, sex and adventure.

I settled down again and married again. Every single day I appreciate my DH. He is the best man I've ever met. Funny, kind, sexy as hell, tall, dark, handsome and we have a great life full of fun. Everyone deserves this, you too Op. So, have a think about what you want from life, because our current situation is untenable. And it isn't your fault.

What @Husky said

Im not surprised you fucked someone else after 4 years of no sex and being your husbands carer. A person has needs and i think you tried very hard to make your marriage work. Thankfully we dont live in the days where we are forced to stay in shit marriages forever.

What's going on OP?

Nothing more to say really. DH isn’t great at the moment, hence I just need to wait until he’s feeling slightly calmer , and then I hope we can talk. I’m hoping it will be sooner rather than later - he’s just finished some tablets that have been testing his cortisol levels, so maybe that will straighten things out. I’m not terribly optimistic really, we’ve started so many conversations and none have ended well.
I saw OM at training this morning, which was weird. Slightly strained greetings exchanged. I’m so regretful, and so tired.

Your life became complex when he changed. Unfortunately, and not commenting on the affair, made it more complex.
Keep things simple as. Address issue with your DH, who's not being so D.
I really hope you will get some medical answers as it seems hee is engaging medically. So you will both have answers soon I hope for you both.

I'm astounded at the double standards here.

Even if a man was in.a sexless marriage....he'd still be lambasted on here.

There are a fair amount of ridiculous generalisations ...like women being conditioned to be doormats.

My take is your marriage is in a bad place.... I can totally see why you were vulnerable to having an affair...BUT I would also see how a man in a similar position could have an affair. I don't think anything a man said on here would get him all the hugs the OP has got for cheating.

In many cases...he may say he won't leave because he'll see his kids less as the NRP and if he's the only earner or higher earner...as is often (not always) the case .... he takes a financial hit.

Talk to your DH about getting help. Seek support from his family with it. Tell him the current situation is affecting your feelings towards him and leaving you uncertain about the future of the marriage.

He needs to know you won't put up with his inaction anymore... and that the marriage is in jeopardy.

You are not a terrible person.

Never regret great sex OP! You're giving yourself way too much of a hard time, if it was me I'd be lining up another meeting with OM while thinking through all the bigger stuff. To everyone saying you have to tell your husband about this relationship - why on earth?? It will hurt him terribly, perhaps beyond repair if he's as unwell as he sounds. Why would you do this to a person you care about, for what possible benefit? Definitely not his. Sure if you decide to leave he'll be hurt anyway but even then he doesn't need the 'sex with OM' story. Omg - what world are people living in where confessing sins is necesssrily a good thing to do, it's like the old testament on mumsnet. This kind of view of morality - with fixed rules that must be obeyed even if it's deeply unkind to do so - just seems so childish to me.

So many posters on here berating the OP for her adultery and saying 'if it were a man.... etc etc' but she IS being berated by many so I'm not sure where the double standards are?? There is a pretty even mix of people being sympathetic and those who have shown their disgust.
I see no double-standards at all.
Also, someone posts asking for advice NOT how people would advise if it were the opposite sex!!
Why can't each post/problem be treated on its own without reference to others?

I just wanted to send you a hug OP...pick yourself up and forgive yourself...you are human thats all I wanted to say ,,no judging from me!

for you op. The last three people I know, who were unfaithful, did so because they were in very lonely marriages.

All of them had issues in their marriage and their partners made very little effort to make things any better. So whilst being unfaithful is awful, so is ignoring a partner’s repeated requests, made over years, to change things in their marriage.

Ha gotta love the hypocrisy of MN users. Any thread about a cheating husband then he’s such a bastard and you should see a good divorce lawyer and take him to the cleaners. Then when a woman cheats it’s all hugs and understanding.

Cheating is cheating full stop. Have respect for the other person and be honest with them.

Yeh - next thread in a cheating husband, cheer on the man because, you know, it was inevitable after no sex in a marriage for some while , DW herself go and being moody / depressed / not sorting it out with medical help. Hey ho

She owes her husband nothing. He's not touched her in 4 years and has been a bastard to boot.

There are always posters who say AHA BUT IF IT WAS A MAN
Actually there are often both viewpoints expressed by various people when it comes to infidelity for either sex, because mumsnet is made up of different people expressing different views.

If a couple are miserable ,havent fucked in years and it is not a mutual agreement then the relationship is doomed anyway and infidelity is practically inevitable.
No need to be a martyr. We only get one life

OP people are very quick to judge when many would not have lasted nearly as long as you have walking your path. I do not envy your position. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, I hope your husband gets better and life gets eesier for you. x

I'd give the same advice, whether Op was male or female. No intimacy for 4 years is beyond a joke, and added to that he's nasty to her all the time. I'd not expect a man to put up with that either. PP spouting about marriage vows...what about "to love and to cherish" and "with my body I honour thee"? Op's husband isn't keeping those vows, is he?