What the actual fuck have I done?

[NoDeedYet]

Deep breath - and a name change. I’ve been married for a lot of years, 2 DC grown and flown. My DH has worked hard to support all of us, and is a good man in every way. But the last four years have been horrendous. He has had a series of health related things, none of which have been diagnosed as anything serious, but his mental state is very fragile. He’s snappy, self obsessed, and miserable as sin. He doesn’t want to see friends or family, and complains that nobody understands what he is going through. He obsesses about diet and exercise, and judges everyone else by what he feels is the right way to live. In his good moments he knows he needs help with sorting himself out, but he won’t see a doctor about anything that isn’t physical.

I’ve become his carer, the sounding board for all his rants, and spend my time trying to smooth his path as much as I can, because I know this isn’t really him, and that somewhere underneath all this shit is the man I married, despite the fact that he doesn’t see me as anything like a wife.

Now it gets bad. I’ve got a hobby that I love, it takes me outside and away from all the grief at home. It’s quite a blokey sport, I’m one of only a couple of women. And we go to the pub afterwards, and there’s always lots of chat, although I’d never said anything about what’s going on at home. One evening a few months ago I just let it all out to a man I’ve known for a couple of years, and he just put his arms round me while I had a good cry.

This is all so horribly predictable. He’s been really lovely, and over the last few months we’ve got very close. He’s in a miserable marriage as well (he’s not a bullshitter, we have mutual friends who know his situation). Last weekend we went away with a group, and the inevitable happened. It doesn’t help that it was the best sex of my life, although maybe if you haven’t DTD for four years that’s always going to seem the case.

I’ve spent the last four days in a total mind fog. This whole thing is so not like anything I’d ever have considered, I can’t quite believe it’s happened. The OM has messaged me, apologising and offered to back right off, move to another club etc. I haven’t had the bottle to even contact him back. Wise women, judge away because mea culpa and all that, but please tell me what I can do now to make this even slightly less terrible that it already is. Thanks for sticking with this, didn’t mean to make it so long.

What's more, I am AMAZED, that in 2018, there are still women who think that if you marry a man, you must stick by him NO MATTER WHAT. Erm, no, you don't. If a man changes dramatically, you can divorce them. You don't have to sacrifice your whole life, your sex life and your happiness until the day you die, just because you married him. Get a divorce. It's 2018, not 1950.

the inevitable happened

I hate this phrase from the OP. There's nothing inevitable about having sex with another woman's husband. You had the chance to say no a million times throughout the evening, I bet. You were flattered, you were horny, you went for it, and now you feel bad about it.

Sort out your marriage, let OM sort out his marriage, and stop seeing him as some kind of knight in shining armour, ready to rescue you from your misery. If both marriages are over, so be it. But cheating is never right.

No sex or intimacy for 4 years, get's close to a male and the inevitable happened. Makes perfect sense to me. She's a real woman, not a Nun.

Splitting up may enable him to get better. I hated being with my exh for the last 3 years of the marriage but didn’t have the courage to split up - we’d been together from teens for many years. It was him who had the affair - partly down to my detachment and misery I’m sure- and after the chaos and pain, we have both emerged much happier. Just another thing worth thinking about.

PMSL at the posts by @huskylover1 😂😂😂

The really worrying thing is that you are actually serious aren't you?

Single are you?

I would imagine you probably are.

@EmmaGeddon

then the inevitable happened.

I hate this phrase from the OP. ^ There's nothing inevitable about having sex with another woman's husband. You had the chance to say no a million times throughout the evening, I bet. You were flattered, you were horny, you went for it, and now you feel bad about it.

Sort out your marriage, let OM sort out his marriage, and stop seeing him as some kind of knight in shining armour, ready to rescue you from your misery. If both marriages are over, so be it. But cheating is never right.

This in spades. ^ I am (like many others on here) gobsmacked at the (few) posters defending the OP. Like she 'entitled' to fuck another man behind her husband's back, because he is ill and isn't giving her any! And she is 'entitled' to fuck another woman's husband because she wanted to! And (as some posters have said,) to hell with who gets hurt eh? As long as YOU are OK!

You need to decide if you want to stay with your husband. If you do, then you don't sleep around out with your marriage. If you don't, separate and get divorced and sleep with whom you please. If you were a man you'd be getting a much tougher time on here.

Leaving a sick partner is a shitty thing to do, but a partner refusing to get help for their problems and expecting you to bear the brunt indefinitely is a different scenario. If he wants to save your marriage he needs to make an effort to get as well as he can.

my XH found someone else to fuck when i had a breakdown 6 years ago. i was hospitalised for 5 weeks, then again for a week the following year.

when he finally pushed me hard enough to say fine, we’re done, he gave me a 12 page email (printed out for me, as a kindness) he’d written me when i was in hospital. standout part for me was when he said he ‘wouldn’t be short of female attention’ were we to split, and that he was sad that my mental illness was depriving him of the ‘vibrant love life’ he felt he deserved.

nasty, isn’t it? from the man who promised to be with me in sickness and in health.

cheating is cheating, OP. your husband’s health doesn’t make it a noble act. tell him you had sex with another man, or don’t - but accept that your marriage is over and have the courage to tell your husband that.

Of course it's cheating. It doesn't matter if she has not had sex in 4 years. She is married, living with her husband (her choice to stay) and he doesn't believe she is shagging anyone else.

A man saying the same on get would be lambasted and rightly so.

OP, leave the marriage, it's clearly not working. Yes, it's scary, but while your husband has been a shit, so have you.

Saying the same on here*

It sounds like the husband has been unkind and unsupportive for years. You can’t go to the doctor for being a bad husband. That said it does also sound like op isn’t owning up to her part in the relationship breaking down. I wonder how he’d describe it?

Now op knows that the grass is greener she has to either leave or tend to her own lawn. Better than living in stagnant misery.

I’m reading these replies and having a small cry. You are all wise women indeed. I’d expected a serious flaming

You absolutely would have got one if posting as a man.

Try it. Give it 6 months and tell exactly the same story with the sexes switched. You'll get your flaming then all right.

No sex or intimacy for 4 years, get's [sic] close to a male and the inevitable happened. Makes perfect sense to me.

@Huskylover1

Okay, so here's another imaginary example:

"My wife has been miserable to live with for years, nagging and pestering me, and insulting me. One evening she was all up in my face so the inevitable happened, and I punched her in the face"

I assume you'd be equally on board with this? That human beings have no agency, and are just slaves to their basest desires? "It's not my fault, she made me feel this way" doesn't hold up in court particularly well, I might add.

No sex for 4 years is terrible, true.

Husband being ranty and fault-finding is horrible, true.

However every single minute of every single day that the OP did nothing to change the dynamic, to tackle the problem directly, or to leave, is on her. Not the husband. It's entirely possible that the husband has no clue how she feels because by her own admission, she hasn't exactly been great at telling him the truth.

Nice.
I was rather hoping that people are more than sex objects. That they are real people, and that OP has said she has been happy since the age of 14 with this man (or am I mixing with another thread?) Well, many years. I have heard all the misogynistic bollox about a woman having to service a man's needs or he's entitled to go elsewhere; wrong wrong wrong. Exactly the same the other way round.
I want to know what's been going on those 4 Yrs, a drop in the ocean against the lifetime of together and happy.
If he's intrinsically changed irreversibly and become abusive as a result and will not see that despite all efforts then you have no alternative really, no, you don't have to stay, but its no excuse to cheat.
Lots of flaming here i would suggest.

Isn't it funny how all these betrayed partners are "batshit crazy"? OP's husband is a depressed pig, OM's wife is bipolar. I'm thinking of starting a commune for people with good sexual and relationship morals and I bet we'll all be as happy as Larry.

My money is on this: OP has cheated before. It's sent her partner into a spiral of fear and depression. He is bottling it up because that's what a lot of men do. OP has cheated again and can't face the fact that this multiple cheating might mean she is a shitty person. Comes on Mumsnet for support with a biased slant. Gets it.

Obviously I will retract that if I'm wrong.

Just back from work, and had a read through all the comments.
Sweetness, retract away. I’ve not only never cheated before this instance, but I’ve never slept with anybody else before, or been remotely tempted to. This is a public forum though, and everyone is entitled to their opinions, positive or otherwise.
It’s been really helpful just to have written this down, and lots of the replies have provided me with some clarity. I guess I didn't make it clear that I’ve been seeking help all along, but been pretty let down by my local surgery. The best they could come up with was an online CBT course, and that was after much pushing.
I’ve been in contact with OM, and we’ve talked. It’s not going any further, and we won’t be telling our spouses.
Now it’s just a question of waiting until DH is strong enough to hear that he must get help. No ultimatums, or not yet.

Mybrexitis - I would have absolutely the same expectations of a man in op's position - and be just as critical of them cheating! What the hell does that do to help the situation? Nothing! It makes them much worse!

No I don't think people should stay married no matter what, but I do think there are too many posters on this thread in particular who seem to think MI is a justification for leaving someone!! - when if it were a physical illness they wouldn't!

The PREJUDICE toward MI people on this thread is truly shockingly ignorant and frankly disturbing!

Jesus Christ!!!

"miserable sod." Well yea if someone is CLINICALLY DEPRESSED or TERRIFIED that they've a serious illness like alzheimers, or even a tumour it may well make them more than a tad unhappy and struggling to be upbeat all the time!

"has simply turned into a Bastard overnight." Lovely way to describe someone who in all likelihood even according to op is ILL! Ie not their fault!

I pity those around such posters who are dealing with MI, because I cannot for one second imagine these posters are helping matters at all and could well be doing harm.

"I don't know ONE man in real life who has left his wife when she is terminally ill." Neither do I! The men I know that have been in this situation have stepped up.

"Sorry, but if the Op hasn't had a sexual relationship with her husband for 4 years, then it's not even cheating in my book. Cheating is when you are sleeping with 2 people at once. Op hasn't done this." Quite possibly the biggest most nonsensical attempt at an excuse for cheating I have ever come across! And I HIGHLY doubt you would be saying this if the reason they'd not had sex for 4 years was physical disability.

Choosing to leave is one thing CHOOSING to cheat is quite another!

"I wonder how he’d describe it?" Omg yes I'd love to know husband's side of things!

"My money is on this: OP has cheated before. It's sent her partner into a spiral of fear and depression. He is bottling it up because that's what a lot of men do. OP has cheated again and can't face the fact that this multiple cheating might mean she is a shitty person. Comes on Mumsnet for support with a biased slant. Gets it." I wouldn't be at all surprised either if that's the case.

Not least because the people I know who have married/co-habited with their "childhood sweethearts" have only ever slept with them, even following divorce or bereavement have found the idea of sleeping with anyone else extremely difficult to get their heads around and if they've had subsequent relationships that aspect has actually caused some tension. They've all been really nervous about it, worrying about all kinds of factors from the emotional to the practical/physical. That's very much not the impression I'm getting from op at all. Somethings off.

Wow some people on here would enjoy living in a place where women are stoned to death for having sex with the wrong person. Do they seriously believe all this vile screeching will keep them safe? Adultery happens all the time, for millions of reasons...many of us are being cheated on right this minute. And guess what its not always a bad thing. Many long term relationships are sustained by affairs and that may be better for everyone involved than all the other options available
OP if you can't get your husband to sort himself out and you don't want to abandon him, what's not to like about having a second relationship that gives you at least part of what you actually need? So that you can continue to care for your husband who may never be able to give you much at all. Why is it more 'moral' to dump him if that were the case?

OP has cheated before. It's sent her partner into a spiral of fear and depression. He is bottling it up because that's what a lot of men do.

Hmm you do realise that this is in total contradiction with so many posters have told the OP. That you, as a human being, are in full control of your actions.
Which in the imaginary case you gave would mean that her DH had no reason to just bottled up and be fearful but should just have got his acts together and leave. Because clearly if you stay when your spouse has cheated, then it’s your choice. Just as is your choice to be walked all over....

Rebelrebel of course not! Re stoning women etc.

But have you ever been cheated on? I and I suspect (and some have said so) other posters have.

It's deeply hurtful.

As it happens I also have friends that have open relationships, or who swing and that works perfectly well for them - the difference is nobody is being disrespected, lied to or betrayed!

I and others have not said op has to stay with her husband if indeed the marriage is over, if his illness is just too hard for her to deal with - I doubt that would be particularly helpful to the husband anyway having a wife that's resentful and doesn't really want to be with him.

But I also still don't think it's at all acceptable to cheat, to try and use his illness as justification for cheating to the point of eliciting sympathy for doing so!

Huskylover1
I'm laughing so much at your posts, you sound like you have the emotional IQ of a twelve year old boy

Posters who have an issue with OPs behaviour are suggesting just what you posted!!! You get a divorce, you leave, you DON'T fuck somebody else's husband/ partner to make yourself feel better. That's morally wrong becsuse it involves hurting his wife and children it's not rocket science.
I'm amazed so many people are focused on justyfying OPs behaviour because she has told you she hasn't had sex for four years. A man who came on here saying the same would be SLAUGHTERED!!
Rebelrebel1
what's not to like about having a second relationship that gives you at least part of what you actually need?

Ermm because SHE is getting what she NEEDS whilst another woman somewhere is cooking, cleaning, looking after the child of the bloke servicing her NEEDS and is oblivious

Also ,I'll leave this here for OPs Husband.
"The Script"
"Chump Lady" or "Chump Man" rather

@babycow38

Hey hey hey hey, I was a 12 year old boy. Don't remember ever thinking that Adultery was okay if a non-specific and subjectively over-long amount of time had passed between shags.

I mean, let's test this empirically - how long is "too long" between married sex? Exactly? 4 years is obviously too long. 3 years? 2 years? 6 months? 4 months? 3 months and 15 days? 2 months and 9 days? A fortnight?

I just want to know what the specific limit is so I can have sex with other women that aren't my wife when I get married and we have a dry patch. Huskylover, please enlighten me as to when it's okay.

@NoDeedYet

Now it’s just a question of waiting until DH is strong enough to hear that he must get help. No ultimatums, or not yet.

So... you've been miserable enough to cheat on your husband, and your plan is to..... do nothing? Are you going to sleep with someone else in another 4 years? Or do we get diminishing returns here, so next time it's 2 years, then 1 year, then 6 months...?

Are you honestly saying that your take away thought from all this is that nothing needs to change? Really?

@sethis
Point taken
A twelve year old potato then?
Seriously I need to get off this thread because the sheer double standards is breathtaking. Bottom line is OPs husband deserves to know so he can make HIS decisions armed with ALL the facts, nothing worse than finding your OH has cheated and then blames you for doing so whilst you were oblivious.
Goes for the cheated on wife of OM as well.

Sometimes when you have a little glimpse of joy, everything changes.

You need joy in your life. Whether you stay with your husband or not. It wasn't right to cheat but it's not right for him to make you live like this either. I'd tell your husband what happened but I don't think you need to abase yourself, it's not so terrible to take a bit of love when it's offered, if you've not been given any for years.