What the actual fuck have I done?

[NoDeedYet]

Deep breath - and a name change. I’ve been married for a lot of years, 2 DC grown and flown. My DH has worked hard to support all of us, and is a good man in every way. But the last four years have been horrendous. He has had a series of health related things, none of which have been diagnosed as anything serious, but his mental state is very fragile. He’s snappy, self obsessed, and miserable as sin. He doesn’t want to see friends or family, and complains that nobody understands what he is going through. He obsesses about diet and exercise, and judges everyone else by what he feels is the right way to live. In his good moments he knows he needs help with sorting himself out, but he won’t see a doctor about anything that isn’t physical.

I’ve become his carer, the sounding board for all his rants, and spend my time trying to smooth his path as much as I can, because I know this isn’t really him, and that somewhere underneath all this shit is the man I married, despite the fact that he doesn’t see me as anything like a wife.

Now it gets bad. I’ve got a hobby that I love, it takes me outside and away from all the grief at home. It’s quite a blokey sport, I’m one of only a couple of women. And we go to the pub afterwards, and there’s always lots of chat, although I’d never said anything about what’s going on at home. One evening a few months ago I just let it all out to a man I’ve known for a couple of years, and he just put his arms round me while I had a good cry.

This is all so horribly predictable. He’s been really lovely, and over the last few months we’ve got very close. He’s in a miserable marriage as well (he’s not a bullshitter, we have mutual friends who know his situation). Last weekend we went away with a group, and the inevitable happened. It doesn’t help that it was the best sex of my life, although maybe if you haven’t DTD for four years that’s always going to seem the case.

I’ve spent the last four days in a total mind fog. This whole thing is so not like anything I’d ever have considered, I can’t quite believe it’s happened. The OM has messaged me, apologising and offered to back right off, move to another club etc. I haven’t had the bottle to even contact him back. Wise women, judge away because mea culpa and all that, but please tell me what I can do now to make this even slightly less terrible that it already is. Thanks for sticking with this, didn’t mean to make it so long.

Origami - you take the words out of my mouth!!

@OrigamiZoo

Good, isn't it? But a glaring double standard is to be expected. Can you imagine these events written from the point of view of the DH, especially if you swapped the genders?

"I've spent years, decades even, supporting my family, but recently had health problems, illnesses, I think I'm losing it but I'm scared of seeing a shrink, I can't stay happy, and my husband just cheated on me with a woman from his sports club". How many people would be saying "Yeah, your husband isn't really to blame for cheating on you"??

Human nature I guess.

OP the above isn't a dig at you, double standards bother me, is all. Sounds like you need some kind of support network to be honest - both of you do. You DH needs someone to talk to who isn't you, and you need someone to talk to who isn't him AT THE SAME TIME as you have some really brutally honest conversations between the two of you, together. Nothing worse than living in a goldfish bowl with one other fish.

@bastardkitty

No, I don't because were the tables turned the advice would be to leave your partner before having an affair. It is always the advice. counselling/therapy/ or leave.

Op, you need a bloody wake up up call and no stroking on here.
I know this isn’t really him, and that somewhere underneath all this shit is the man I married, despite the fact that he doesn’t see me as anything like a wife.

For better for worse.

Imagine your husband finding out. Imagine the fall out. Come on, get a grip Mumsnet and stop this.We have the Op's story. A man who seems to be struggling here is being shafted. I can't believe the hypocrisy.

Tell your husband as the life he is living now is a lie.

Like the last few posters, I am also disgusted at the double standards on here.

Switch the genders, and have a man shagging another woman behind his wife's back because his wife has been distant (because of mental health issues,) and he would have been LAMBASTED on here.

But here, it's 'awww, poor you OP, having to shag another man to make yourself feel better...we get it sweetie...... '

This actually proper, full on, actually fucks me right off!

No sympathy for the OP at all. She has committed adultery and is a disgrace quite frankly..... And so are most of the posts on this thread giving her a warm hug and a pat on the back for having an AFFAIR behind her husband's back 'because she has had it so tough!' Like I said, no MAN would have had the same virtual back slaps and cuddles if he had done the same to his wife, especially if she had fragile mental health as the OP's husband does!

@nodeedyet

You clearly don't love your husband, AT ALL, so FGS do the decent thing and end this sham of a marriage now.

Have to say also, that there is some weird kind of excitement and pride at what you have done in your posts, like 'I needed him and I couldn't help myself........' And 'Oh the passion between us, forbidden love, we couldn't stop ourselves.' FGS, it sounds like a naff creative writing piece!

I have a good friend in the same situation. Her guilt over her ONS with an ex work colleague is tearing her apart. She still meets him occasionally for emotional support but they haven't dtd again. She always had strong morals and has betrayed her own standards as well as her husband. The humiliation she felt over going for an STI test was, she felt, part of her punishment. She knows if she confesses she will be cast as a lying cheat (fair enough as she has lied and she has cheated), their adult children would lose all respect and her husband would have his chronic sense of victimhood validated. It's a tough one. Her biggest fear is that someone will tell her husband, so she alternates between thinking she has to confess and panicking that someone will tip him off. It's likely others in your sports group know what happened and these things have an uncanny knack of getting out. The other man might drop you in it, or his wife may if she discovers any correspondence between you.

Personally I couldn't live like that, lying, sneaking around hiding text messages, no matter how I justify it to myself, or get others on an online forum to justify it for me. But life's dilemmas are rarely black and white, long marriages are complex and good people occasionally do bad things. You need to decide if your marriage is worth saving. Talk to your husband, maybe he's had enough too? Insist you both get help if he doesn't want the marriage to end. Don't be the other woman; causing another woman and her children distress is nothing to be proud of.

"Unfortunately people with mental health issues aren't the best at making rational and logical choices, so judging them for not doing so isn't really helpful." That's putting how I feel about this thread far more mildly and civilly than I'm tempted to!

What happened to "in sickness and health"?

The cheaters script - particularly the rewriting history and blaming the spouse being cheated on parts are also clearly being forgotten!

Even IF the marriage IS miserable - you leave you don't cheat!

I think staying friends with OM is asking for trouble!

Waters are already far too muddied.

"I wonder how MN would react to a man posting that he'd cheated on his mentally ill wife. Pretty sure there'd be a lot less "Don't beat yourself up" and a lot more "You're scum" floating around, but whatever" agreed I'm really shocked at the minimising and excusing going on.

Op you need to decide honestly if you're going to work on your marriage - and that may include professional outside support for you - or if you've decided you no longer want to. And act accordingly.

If you decide to stay married - as always advised to cheats on mn, stay the hell away from the person you cheated with! No more communication and definitely no seeing him.

I'm afraid I feel telling your dh might assuage some of your guilt but would actually be punishing him, and he doesn't deserve that! And I suspect you would end up outright blaming him! When your actions are your own responsibility, and your problem to live with.

It's very common in the mentally ill for them to avoid getting help.

I suffer from serious mental illness myself and it took a crisis for me to ask for help. I was scared of the dx, the stigma, the treatment, that I'd lose my dd (was a single mum at this point) - most things I now know I needn't have feared. Getting a dx led to starting to get help, the treatment wasn't as bad as I feared (but I still have difficulties there - physical and mental), I didn't lose my dd, I have however experienced much stigma and frankly several of the posts here show there's still a LONG way to go in addressing the myths and prejudices.

At times I've disengaged out of irrational fear or even rational real problems with crap hcps!

He may have asked for help and received a poor response that's put him right off asking again! Sadly also not uncommon! Or even plain been dismissed as "just a bit down" and offered no further help - again sadly not uncommon.

He may fear there's a physical cause that's very scary - again very common.

All those saying "poor op" would you be saying that if op's dh had a serious physical condition?! Of course not!

Double standards not only on sex but physical v mental illness too.

Shocking!

You sound like you need a massive hug!
I don't condone cheating in the slightest but you're not in a normal situation here. Yes, you fucked up but now you have to decide your next moves to make things right.

You have two options here, leave your DH or stay and make thing work.

From what you've said, you obviously don't want to leave, not because you're happy with DH but because you feel an obligation to due to his mental illnesses.
If he's refusing to see a dr for anything but physical health, you need to talk to him about how this situation is affecting YOUR happiness and mental health and he needs to see a mental health professional for both your sakes.
You only get one life and spending the rest of it being unhappy is just not ok.

If he chooses to see a therapist/gets meds and does get better, you can then decide if the relationship has a future or he's in a better state to deal with you moving on.

I wonder how MN would react to a man posting that he'd cheated on his mentally ill wife.

This comment, is crap and has no place here. Because, it completely ignores the societal power differential (and was probably written by a man!) Men are not socialized to be utter doormats (not saying OP is!) in the same way that too many women are. There was a study a few years ago, very sad, the majority of men will leave their wife if she becomes terminally ill while the VAST majority of women will not only stay but also put up with horrendous amounts of the terminally ill man being an absolute shit.

Anyway, only read the first page, glad to see most people not beating up the OP! Lots of good advice there, hope you find some useful things which ultimately brings you peace and joy. Good luck to you OP!

I was depressed 5 years ago ... my DH responded by doing what youve done.

I guessed.

It broke me . I have never in my life experienced such wretched pain. He pissed on everything that was sacred to me.

This thread has awful double standards.

There is no justifying what you have done.

You made a choice . Your marriage will never be the same .

Please get yourself STI tested for the sake of your DH.

Ps excellent post by @blackchina

Sounds like both your marriages are over. Best to cut the cord and enjoy your freedom, if it's meant to be you will both find a way to be together

Another excellent post by blackchina

You have had all these good years, now this, what you seem to describe as a different him. Like he's losing it.
If he won't do anything he won't, but does he know the seriousness of desperation you feel. Have you, in four years not told him any of this? I feel sure you must have,right? That it can't continue.
If it is medical, like dementia, then will he go? Sorry nrtft, so hope not just repeating others.

From what the OP has said, I doubt an STD test will be required "for the sake of her DH" - for her own sake, quite likely, but as she hasn't had sex with her DH for some time it's unlikely to be his problem.

Trivial aside though.

As to the OP's current situation - you shouldn't have done what you did, but you know that. The OM shouldn't have either, and he also knows that. You both need to cut contact from each other immediately. Whether you tell your DH or not is up to you (ditto him and his wife) but as has been posted on here, it's not likely to HELP him, is it - just make him feel worse.

I'm sure his changed nature and unpleasantness is horrible to live with, and his refusal to seek help for the cause equally frustrating - but he's still your husband (and much of this goes for the OM and his bipolar-suffering wife as well).

The trouble you have is that you are his carer - would you be able to walk away from this marriage, if you told him about the ONS and he told you to go? Would he cope on his own ok?

I do feel sympathy for you - you've been in a bad situation for a long time - but it's not exactly his fault either.

I know of a lady whose husband had a life limiting disabling disease - he had a crisis and thought he was dying, so confessed to a years-long affair with the wife's best friend. And then he didn't die. She was his carer, and she felt obliged to stay with him so she did because of social conditioning - she really resented and hated him for what he'd done, and would have done better to have left him, but felt she couldn't. She didn't have an affair though - she ended up accidentally killing him (courts ruled it so). Not suggesting this is what could happen with you, OP, but just pointing out that poisoned marriages through feeling trapped and resentment rarely turn out well for either party.

Are you building up resentment against your husband? You say you still love him, but do you, can you love him as he is NOW, or are you still hoping for the return of the man he used to be? Because if he never seeks help for his current state, he will never return to the man he used to be. If you feel you can't cope (shown by the ONS) then you need to decide to leave. Just because you are his carer, you still CAN walk away - other carers could be found.

You need to make some hard decisions - and you could do with talking to a professional about this as well - GP, counsellor, someone.

Switch the genders, and have a man shagging another woman behind his wife's back because his wife has been distant (because of mental health issues,) and he would have been LAMBASTED on here.

All day long & every time. Reading some of the one-sided hypocrisy of the Relationship section as a man is, at times, the cyberspace equivalent of walking in to find your OH and "the girls" into their second bottle of Rose heaping comfort and platitudes on Jenny Bitchface over her split from her "bastard" husband... the one that you know full well from previous conversations was generally less of a twat than her before she shagged her boss behind his back.

Kudos to others who can see it though!

OP Do the decent thing and own up to your adultery. Go away for a few days and leave a letter explaining all the problems, how unhappy you are, and what you did. It'll either make or break the marriage. If you keep it to yourself and nothing changes you'll only do it again eventually.

OP, do not involve your children in fixing your marriage. Do not put any of this on their shoulders. This is for you and your DH to sort out. You need to be the adults here, and protect them from your miserable relationship as much as possible, not drag them into it. Get support from friends, from a therapist or on here, not from your children

I'm another who is absolutely gobsmacked at the double standards going on here. If this were a Married Man posting and he had fucked another Married woman there would be absolute uproar, cries of minimising behaviour, what a bastard for shagging someone else whilst his Wife of many years is ill.
I despair of these MN double standards. There is a man here who hasn't a clue his wife has cheated, a woman who hasn't a clue her husband has cheated who has a young child !! What about her?

What would the posters who seem to think the OPs behaviour is fine, well deserved even post when his wife comes on here distraught because she's found out her husband is shagging someone from his hobby club!!!

And I agree wholeheartedly with Another Random Male, stop ANY minimising, blaming him, putting your poor behaviour on HIM!!! You bloody well chose this, he didn't push you into it, why is it your poor bloody husband's fault when every woman who comes on here is told he is just rewriting history to justify putting his dick in someone else!! Also you WILL do this again unless you get some insight into your own behaviour, accountability and responsibility in the relationship.

Next time a Man posts he just had to have sex with the woman from the club who gave him sympathy, because his wife isn't interested and is ill I expect we will all "want to give him a massive hug" then, yes?

thanks for..be this long...(thats what she said)its ok.youre both growed up.do whatchu wanna.one life.liveit

NoDeed I am not interested in what you've done. I really don't think it's worth talking about. Deal with your marriage.
I have posted about the state of your DH, that's the only thing to consider here, now.
Get him to the gp with a medical issue! It is a medical issue, tell him dementia is a medical issue and can be treated the earlier the better. Ignore what you've done get your marriage in focus.

Does your family and friends know what a self obsessed misery DH is or do you cover up to avoid distressing them. Is he depressed with everyone or is it just you who gets the brunt of it. Do you feel you have to keep positive and cheerful to help him? Because 4 years of that will be having repercussions on your health, constant pretence that you are ok with the situation will cause stress for you. You need to involve close friends and family so you have support.
Definitely speak to your GP as a start. But you can't be expected to live the last 30 years of your life in misery something needs to change.

Oh shut the front door! Those on here trying to validate that OP was in the right to cheat on her husband just because she is a woman or his unreasonable behaviour. Poor you OP having to live with such a horrid little man.

Wow where are your moral standards fuck the whole "socialization of women to be doormats feminist crap".

We no longer live in the dark ages and have not for years so please grow the fuck up.

OP you should have walked out of your marriage before getting your itchy crotch scratched. No matter what his behaviour was like, when are people going to stop blaming others for their own inadequacies. We live in a blame culture it is never your fault but someone or something elses.

Women are not and have not been doormats for almost 30 years, so how about your pull your big girl knickers up OP tell your family what tart you are and end your marriage. Then you can skip off into the sunset with Mr weekend dalliance and leave your horrible husband in the dust to find contentment in his life.

I have a gay male friend who was in the OP's position (not the cheating). He was married to a man with significant and worsening mental health issues for which he refused to seek help. My friend asked him to see the GP, gave ultimatums, booked pre-paid appointments to try to get his DH to go, tried to trick him into it by making an appointment for something else, even tried to physically drag him there. Finally he followed through on one of the many ultimatums and asked him to leave, he wouldn't, so his stuff was packed up and left on the step - even that wasn't enough to get him to see the GP so divorce papers were served.

By the end my friend wasn't even sad about it and though he didn't cheat, he probably could have done without feeling any betrayal at all - all the love had completely died through his husband basically doing nothing to help himself. He compared it to someone with a broken leg deciding to stay in bed for the rest of his life and be waited on hand and foot by his husband rather than get it set and cast.

Your husband may never seem or accept help and you need to decide for yourself where your red lines are and stick to them.

Googling ‘early symptoms of dementia’ at 0500 in the morning is pretty sobering. Thanks for the heads up on that one, Leafyhouse. There are quite a few matches with his behaviour.