What the actual fuck have I done?

[NoDeedYet]

Deep breath - and a name change. I’ve been married for a lot of years, 2 DC grown and flown. My DH has worked hard to support all of us, and is a good man in every way. But the last four years have been horrendous. He has had a series of health related things, none of which have been diagnosed as anything serious, but his mental state is very fragile. He’s snappy, self obsessed, and miserable as sin. He doesn’t want to see friends or family, and complains that nobody understands what he is going through. He obsesses about diet and exercise, and judges everyone else by what he feels is the right way to live. In his good moments he knows he needs help with sorting himself out, but he won’t see a doctor about anything that isn’t physical.

I’ve become his carer, the sounding board for all his rants, and spend my time trying to smooth his path as much as I can, because I know this isn’t really him, and that somewhere underneath all this shit is the man I married, despite the fact that he doesn’t see me as anything like a wife.

Now it gets bad. I’ve got a hobby that I love, it takes me outside and away from all the grief at home. It’s quite a blokey sport, I’m one of only a couple of women. And we go to the pub afterwards, and there’s always lots of chat, although I’d never said anything about what’s going on at home. One evening a few months ago I just let it all out to a man I’ve known for a couple of years, and he just put his arms round me while I had a good cry.

This is all so horribly predictable. He’s been really lovely, and over the last few months we’ve got very close. He’s in a miserable marriage as well (he’s not a bullshitter, we have mutual friends who know his situation). Last weekend we went away with a group, and the inevitable happened. It doesn’t help that it was the best sex of my life, although maybe if you haven’t DTD for four years that’s always going to seem the case.

I’ve spent the last four days in a total mind fog. This whole thing is so not like anything I’d ever have considered, I can’t quite believe it’s happened. The OM has messaged me, apologising and offered to back right off, move to another club etc. I haven’t had the bottle to even contact him back. Wise women, judge away because mea culpa and all that, but please tell me what I can do now to make this even slightly less terrible that it already is. Thanks for sticking with this, didn’t mean to make it so long.

hollowtalk that’s really interesting, because one of DH’s regular things that he says is that he just wants to go away by himself for a while. He never acts on it, so maybe I should?
In a way, I feel almost relieved that his has happened, because it will force me to do something. It’s been like wading through treacle for so long, and I hadn’t expected there to be anything to change things.
Short term, all I want to do is have a whole lot more sex, NOT helpful.

Unfortunately people with mental health issues aren't the best at making rational and logical choices, so judging them for not doing so isn't really helpful.

OP needs to decide whether she wants to stay or go. Cheating was a bad mistake and never acceptable even if there are mitigating circumstances. Mental illness not lesser than physical illness.

DH not dog!

In the nicest possible way, you're being a martyr to your DH.

If he's not seriously ill, why on earth are you walking on eggshells around him? You are enabling his behaviour.

Tell him he gets and sorts his mental health out, set a time limit and mean it else you are leaving. You're not his verbal punch bag, you are his wife and he needs to start treating you with respect. Stop beating yourself up over this, someone offered you some affection and you'd have had to be made of stone not to want it .

Dont beat yourself up. By the sounds of it you needed a bit of attention and you have needs as a human being that were not being met by your husband so got it else where. I wouldn't tell your husband. I think you and the OM can go back to being friends for now until you figure out what you want to do. Do you want to be trapped in this marriage where you're just existing or do you want to break away and start living your life how you want to? is your husband open to relate counselling? Don't put pressure on yourself to confess, nor to make a hasty decision. Take your time to think things over.

I think, btw, that people underestimate the importance of sex. I did, when I was married. I couldn't bear the thought of XH touching me, and came to think this was normal. I now have another partner (only the third in my entire life - I married young). Sex is miraculous every time it happens. That, and hand-holding and stroking, and intimacy (which doesn't have to mean DTD). I appreciate this all the more for the complete drought that preceded it.

You get one life, OP. Just one short life.

FWIW your husband may be mentally ill but since he doesn't recognise him, there will never be an end to it. Also, just because he's mentally ill doesn't mean he's not abusive (he is) and you don't deserve to stay in an abusive relationship. No, you shouldn't have cheated but your marriage is over and this proves it.

Finally, I disagree that cheating is always wrong. I didn't cheat - though, as I have said, that was due to lack of opportunity, I think. Cheating is absolutely not ideal. But nobody who hasn't been in a dysfunctional relationship can judge anyone else for it. They can't begin to imagine how it feels to be desired again.

Please don’t be a martyr in the ground that your DH didn’t chose to be this way.

I agree that he didn’t chose to be ill or to have some MH issues.
Howe ver, he is choosing not to get help.
He is also only managing because you are enabling him by smoothing th8ngs iver for him all the time. At your own detriment.

ThenOM is a wake up call. One where you are reminded of another life, one where you can find happiness and your role isn’t limited to smoothing things for your DH.
You need to change things. Either leave the relationship or give it a really big rethink.

OP we don't have to stay in a relationship at all costs.

I left my terminally ill husband, I couldn't stand things any longer.

Being physically ill or mentally ill is no excuse to treat someone badly.

Can you really imagine yourself married to your DH for the rest of your life?

I'm in 2 minds. My H ad an affair and left me because of my drinking.....but we were together 23 years and he did nothing to help me stop...in fact encouraged me not to stop.i can understand why he had an affair but it was still wrong. If people aren't happy they should leave and take time out. If the affair partner is worth it, they will wait. But in the end, it comes down to wanting to shag someone else which is why cheater's rarely can wait 6 months. It's wrong.

When you’re not sure what to do try this advice from my terminal care nurse friend: Imagine yourself as a very elderly person at the end of their life, looking back at your younger self. What would you advise that younger woman to do?
It’s a surprisingly powerful perspective.

It's a turning point OP, as the others have said. Your marriage sounds dismal. You may both be better apart.

I wonder how MN would react to a man posting that he'd cheated on his mentally ill wife. Pretty sure there'd be a lot less "Don't beat yourself up" and a lot more "You're scum" floating around, but whatever.

2 wrongs don't make a right.

Your position sucks, but then so does committing adultery.

The "inevitable" didn't happen. You made a decision. Don't avoid responsibility by pretending it was forces beyond your control. Everything that happened after he hugged you as you cried was 100% within your control, and his.

Sounds like you're telling all of your problems to everyone except your husband. Start there. Tell him exactly how you feel, and don't sugar coat it. Say exactly what you said above. "You're snappy, you're miserable to be around, you rant at me, you never make any effort to help me be happy, and we haven't had sex in four fucking years. You have to sort this shit out." See what he says. See what he does. If nothing changes, then by all means, leave. On the other hand it's often very easy to fall into negative cycles which we don't notice until someone or something dumps a bucket of ice water on our head, figuratively speaking. Sounds like he needs that. So instead of hiding and lying, and pretending, do it. Metaphysically kick him in the side of the head. Would you want him to have an affair if you had his problems? Or would you want him to be open and honest and tell you how he felt?

If there's no future with this other guy, then you're simply back at square 1, except now you've got a shit ton of guilt to stir into the mix that was already making you feel crap. Yes, the sex was great, but unless you want to have serial affairs then you've solved nothing.

Once again, thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. You lot are brilliant. I’ve spent four days in an absolute mire, and it has really helped to read your thoughts. I need to message OM, Christ knows what he’s thinking. His poor wife. He’s in a worse one than me.
After that I’m going to find a way to get through to DH. Somebody upthread mentioned about getting the DC in on it, and that might be a good way to go. He’s much better when they are around, and I’d welcome the support.

Do not tell your DH as he is in a bad enough way already. Your encounter has helped relieve you of some of the stress that you have had to deal with. It seems like a drop of joy in an ocean of misery. Your friend seems to be acting in a compassionate and considerate manner. Sometimes these thing just do happen. There are times when we do have to put ourselves first or go mad together. Be gentle with yourself.

I think you need to refocus on your marriage. The cheating is a fools path to utter devastating pain and betrayal. It can’t be undone. You both seem to have fallen into a pattern. You describe yourself as the carer, as a martyr who can’t take any more, that you put up with his health concerns at your own expense.

Have you ever tried to sort this out with him? Talk to him?

Did you love him?

Is this worth trying to save?

I think you should tell your husband and be honest, brave and make a decision.

Sethis, your first comment is spot on.
I hadn’t told anybody else about my problems until I talked to OM though, and I haven’t told anybody else. Apart from you lot. And I should have talked to the right people before now.

Bananas -
yes,
yes,
yes I still do,
yes I hope so despite everything being very bleak.

I think an ultimatum is necessary. It’s not fair on you to be carrying on like this. He gets help or you get out ! Think about your future and what would make you happy. You can’t live your life for others, it’s too short.

Awwwww, pull a sob story about having another man's cock in you and cheating on your husband who has mental and physical health problems and Mumsnet rallies round.

FFS.

Turn it round and a man has done this it would be LTB.

I DON'T GET IT.

No, you don't.

Oh crikey, what a sad situation.

I think you need to tell him you’ve cheated though. If he’s a friend or family member he will need an outside trusted person.

Tough as it is, he needs to know to make his own decision too. Brushing this under the carpet is no way to go. The OM needs to tell his wife too.

Imagine if this came out years later. Imagine if you let him believe you never did this. Sorry I truly believe it’s the only fair thing to do now.

With regards to your DH, I've seen this behaviour before, both times it was the early signs of Dementia / Alzheimer's. Not a very scientific straw poll, but the earlier you catch it the better.