DH has called DD an ‘insufferable c#%t’ - am horrified

[Havetonamechangeforthisone]

I have nc-ed for this. She ‘disrespected’ him (she is 14) and he shouted that at her and told her to fuck off (repeatedly) get out of his house and stop using his electricity and eating his food.

I’m in utter shock and horrified.
In the meantime DH has not spoken to her or me or our other DD for 72hours and continues to ignore us.

He’s had similar outbursts/sulks before but this takes the cake!!

I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry about how she’s been treated. Resigned/bored with the sulking. Have learnt not to initiate conversation but have to wait until it’s brought up. It’s absolutely unacceptable but what can I do about it??!! Feel totally helpless.

Any advice?

Message from MNHQ: The OP has updated the thread. Please read her recent post here.

Model healthy adult relationships for your daughters and divorce him.

Give them the hope that it's ok to reject being treated like this and it's ok to act on it. Show them that you value them. Show them that men that behave like this aren't welcome in any of your lives. Show them your strength and commitment to them. Get rid of him and his toxicity and watch your daughters thrive and emulate your strength in their adult relationships.

Op said it wasn't a one off.

A one off huge argument, which has been brewing for many many months, because a child shows no respect and not changing their behaviour, even after much talking and minor punishments (ie losing x box), and argument, and some swearing is not ideal.
But not necessarily abusive. Has happened before.
SS wouldn't act on a one off incident like that.

But this sounds more extreme.

Its not her fault and by choosing to live in an abusive environment you are choosing to abuse your dc. Leaving might not be overnight but you need to resolve to do it and you need to show your dd that you are not afraid to stand up to abuse she receives (and if you don’t feel able to do so, that’s the clue you are being abused and controlled by his silences and outbursts). He is not good enough.

Leave him.
My dad was awful when I was younger and to this day, even though we have a great relationship now, I still resent my mum for not leaving him and putting my safety first.

There’s a difference between enraged shouting that her behaviour was appalling and name calling. Name calling switches it into abuse territory. Add in the sulking and it happening on multiple occasions and it’s classic abusive behaviour.

I don’t even know if you’re still reading OP, but my eldest teen began to kick off seriously aged 14. Looking back, it was a cry for help because of a bullying father.

At 17/18 I had to watch as he became embroiled in a relationship with a young woman that screwed with his mental health to the point where he was depressed and self-harming.

I could only watch from a distance though, as he’d moved out. But as I watched him struggle in an agonisingly painful relationship, which he seemed unable to leave, I realised that I’d taught him that staying in a relationship, however dysfunctional, was the right thing to do.

I’ve also seen the thread linked earlier about the daughter who is having to withhold her grandchild from her mother because of her father’s bullying behaviour.

These are possible futures others of us have faced as a result of choosing to stay with an abusive man over protecting our children from him.

Sometimes leaving isn’t possible, but if you stay, then you need to protect your daughter. Explain to her that his behaviour towards her is wholly unacceptable, but that for whatever reason (explain as appropriate) you are unable to leave right now. It has to be a genuine reason why you can’t leave and there are some.

But she must be your priority. I made the mistake of thinking that I shouldn’t criticise my husband as it would undermine his parenting. But sometimes if you recognise fully that something is out-and-out wrong, then you shouldn’t stay silent as silence indicates implicit approval.

This is what life is like sometimes

Not in my house it's not.

I've said this a billion times on here. The first time anyone verbally abused me like this would be the last time they ever saw me. That applies to my dc too.

And as an aside, the sulking, ignoring age atmosphere creating stuff he's doing now is also abusive.

Wow i genuinely feel sorry for some of your daughters. You are basically teaching them that it is okay to be verbally & emotionally abused. When is that ever okay???

I had some blazing rows with my dad growing up. We clashed a lot. He NEVER called me vicious names!! If my DP ever said anything like that to my kids he would get lynched. And given this is not a one off - and OP's OH is sulking like a spoiled brat - it would be the straw for the camel. He would be gone

Agree this man is abusive, and will be damaging his DDs. Those apologising for him seem to be ignoring the fact he is arbitrarily ignoring his other daughter, who has done nothing wrong. How do they think she deserves that, then? What excuse can they make for him doing that?

The OP makes clear this is not a one-off. He is an abuser.

Oh come on. If you've NC you're a regular here. You know damn well what 99% of the advice will be. Give your head a wobble if you genuinely needed to come on here and ask advice. You bloody well know what you should be doing and it's not wasting time on here asking our opinions.

You sound like my dsil.. And I will tell you the same... Leave him. For your own sanity and that of the dds.

I am honestly baffled. The way some people on here talk you'd think divorce was the worst thing ever.

It's funny as well how it's usually men who behave this way and people wonder if it's because of stress. Guess what, women get stressed too but I see far less examples of them verbally abusing their husbands and children.

where is the OP?

OP has not mentioned the dds behaviour being bad at all. Often someone might say that the teen was difficult but still didn't deserve that treatment. The fact that she said nothing like that makes me feel she does not agree at all that dd is being badly behaved. This gives two possibilities; the dd is not bad at all and the husband behaviour is really extreme and his sulking directed towards OP and dd2 very unpleasant also. I don't like to throw around the word abuse, but really who wants to live with someone who rages and sulks for days over virtually nothing?

The other possibility might be that they have all taken against the husband for some reason and while the dd is being disrespectful the others think it is probably deserved. He has snapped and is sulking since nobody likes him. In this scenario you have to wonder why they would have taken against him and think that way? Unless there has been a big misunderstanding along the way it still seems likely they would all be happier apart.

All those asking what the DD did: if he had sworn at his wife and told her to get out of his house and stop using his electricity and eating his food before refusing to talk to the entire family for three days would you be asking what the wife did to provoke him? Or is it only teenagers who are accountable for others' behaviour?

That's the classic abuser's line isn't it? "You made me do it, it's all your fault."

I hope that you and your daughters are ok OP.

How does does father abusing get turned into its my DMs fault. Just bloody how, bearing in mind she is being abused, a lot more than the DC. Does anyone that says that understand how being abused destroys your ability to do actually anything. So she has an abusive partner, he's abusive, but she gets blame on top of the awful state she's in and will likely never recrecover, but shes to blame.

I think you have to know where abuse puts you, it puts you in equaly position of power to the DC, sometimes lower.

OP is not allowed to talk!!! She is not allowed to communicate about this situation. Those of you blaming her try thinking about what has to have happened to get you to a place of not speaking?
I am very sad for you all. He deserves to be kicked out. You have made a big step forward by speaking out on here. Keep moving forward with this. Try to get your own support in RL. He might not stop at this abusive verbal next time and DC will not be able to develop in a healthy way with his abuses, at a time when they are supposed to be challenging.

Yes, DC want DM to save them all, but they often don't have any real concept of the poor state of their DM and limited options,often no support or belief, or belief herself that actually she isn't the one in the wrong. That's also his fault and an awful effect of abuse.
When someone posts something like this, its already really hard to see what's been happening to them that got them to this point

Thank you to everyone who responded. I have been looking into our options. It is hard to admit that the person I married who has so many good qualities and with whom the family has shared so many genuinely lovely times is actually so very deeply flawed.
Tonight we were spoken to. I do feel for the emotional issues he’s been experiencing (but keeping to himself until now) but all I could think was that somehow they were being used to try to excuse his behaviour. I asked him if he genuinely thought what he said about our DD was true and he said it was. I suggested we talk through the issues of communication patterns etc... with a family counsellor (this is what the kids would like too) but that didn’t seem to be of interest.
It seems we are not making each other very happy at all. I feel there are expectations it’s impossible to live up to. Will keep trying for counselling as a family but if that is refused then there’s no future together. How can there be when a parent actively dislikes their child?

I am sorry, op, but this is awful - especially if he says that what he said about her is "true", and this after the heat of the moment has died down.

I think you are clinging on to a very faint hope if you think that family counselling is going to help someone who speaks like this and seems to think that his comments are reasonable. I also wouldn't listen too much to what your daughters hope for in terms of keeping the family together - they will be frightened of change and of the family splitting up, of course, but actually in the long term this would be better for them than living with this awful, demeaning and unkind behaviour.

I don't think it would be fair to put your DD in the same room with him for family counselling.
He has screwed the family. No-one can make that better, and he doesn't want to, so what option do you have. He clearly believes its everybody else's fault.
I suspect that he currently believes you won't do anything; he could swing it all around and promise to go to counselling etc, if he suddenly realises you actually mean action.

I would have been absolutely shattered if my father had ever spoken to me like that. And then - when asked directly - he says he means it. Please don't make your daughter internalise this. It's so awful.

Have you spoken to your daughter about how she feels about all this?

He has said he meant what he said and has refused family counselling.
He obviously has no intention of working things through.
This isn't about keeping the image of a happy family going anymore. Your husband is emotionally abusive to his own child (and to you by the sound of it if you can't even initiate conversations with him) and this is where you need to step in.

You are the adult in this situation and it is your responsibility to keep your children safe - physically and emotionally.
They have no power in the household so it's up to you to make the right choices for them.

This is so sad. But you must side with your child.

Tolerating your husbands spite is not OK.

OP has no power either, she has been under it so long she cannot speak to him. You can't waive a magic wand that says here have all your power and control over him. It just doesn't work like that. Op is under his power and control the same as the dc

She's not tolerating him! She scared to talk to him!?