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Original poster

DH has called DD an ‘insufferable c#%t’ - am horrified

281 replies

Havetonamechangeforthisone · 07/11/2018 22:27

I have nc-ed for this. She ‘disrespected’ him (she is 14) and he shouted that at her and told her to fuck off (repeatedly) get out of his house and stop using his electricity and eating his food.

I’m in utter shock and horrified.
In the meantime DH has not spoken to her or me or our other DD for 72hours and continues to ignore us.

He’s had similar outbursts/sulks before but this takes the cake!!

I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry about how she’s been treated. Resigned/bored with the sulking. Have learnt not to initiate conversation but have to wait until it’s brought up. It’s absolutely unacceptable but what can I do about it??!! Feel totally helpless.

Any advice?

Message from MNHQ: The OP has updated the thread. Please read her recent post here.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 08/11/2018 23:42

Please read 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why counselling with an abusive man (which he is) isn't a good idea. It also lays bare all the ways abusers try to keep control of you, including blaming their 'emotional issues' so you feel like you have to 'fix' them.

Please protect your daughter. No one should be treated like that.

Jux · 09/11/2018 00:33

So actually he really doesn't give a shiny shit about you and your family, and isn't interested in making it better. He gets his way most of the time because he's schooled you not to challenge him, but he hasn't got dd under his thumb yet and she's rebelling - good on her!

So as he isn't bothered whether any of you are happy with the family dynamic, what are you going to do?

Shriek · 09/11/2018 00:57

Please keep talking OP you are under enough shock and pressure, without any more. I do hope you are managing ok.
Flowers

mathanxiety · 09/11/2018 01:04

It seems we are not making each other happy at all

You can't make someone happy when 'happy' means mutual respect and they see mutual respect as a loss of prestige for them and some sort of victory for you.

Some people perceive relationships as a power struggle - one party must be on top. There is no conception of both parties at the same level. Mutual respect, honoring each other - that is a loss of power for them.

When all they want from the relationship is the feeling that they have power over other people they are not likely to give up the power tripping.

Your H has decided that that is what makes him happy.

AwdBovril · 09/11/2018 01:24

You really need to deal with this. If your DH doesn't apologise absolutely, unreservedly & to your DD's face, you need to take her side. Unless she's done something truly awful, she really doesn't deserve this behaviour from anyone. If she has /had done something truly awful, she would deserve a visit from the police, to be taken to the doctor for help with possible MH issues, pocket money docked to pay for damaged items, or whatever was appropriate according to the situation. She should be able to rely on her father to support her even when / if she screws up.

If you allow her to think that your DH's behaviour is ok, this is what she will grow up to believe. And she'll allow it from her own partner as an adult, because no-one ever showed her it wasn't ok. This is how the cycle of abuse continues from one generation to the next.

I do feel for you - I'm struggling with my DH at present as he has some pretty deep MH issues. It can be really hard to cope with. But, MH issues are not an excuse to be abusive, & you & your DD should not feel obliged to suffer his anger because he has no other way of dealing with how he feels. Don't be his emotional punchbags. Flowers

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 09/11/2018 01:27

My heart goes out to you @Havetonamechangeforthisone .

Butterfly44 · 09/11/2018 06:06

Your daughter needs your support. She's a child...we've all been there. Some teens are rebellious, rude, horrid and angry...it's a tough period of life and they need help and support not to be chastised and discarded. Emotions, hormones, immaturity but thinking they are invincible. Parents are meant to be the stable feature.
Absolutely if he won't go to counselling and doesn't show the willing to try then you need to separate.

Tahani · 09/11/2018 07:18

Calling DD a cunt isn't nice, but it's not the end of world, again we don't know what she did. My dc threaten to destroy my belongings, their siblings belongings, threaten violence, and sometimes I swear and them, doesn't make me a bad person who doesn't love them.

HOWEVER!!! The not talking to you is much much worse, and that's what you should be concentrating on here, not the name calling

pointythings · 09/11/2018 07:20

So he feels that he was justified in calling her those names and abusing her verbally... No family counselling is going to fix this. All he wants is for you to admit he was right.

Time to get rid - this isn't salvageable.

PyeWackets · 09/11/2018 07:42

It's horrible living in a house like this, do something about it.

merville · 09/11/2018 12:35

Threatening to throw a child out of their home - very reasonable, mature behaviour.

You actually couldn't, could you - unless they go into state care.

HiHoToffee · 09/11/2018 12:46

You could look into counselling for you and the children without him. A safe place to explore your feelings and to work towards leaving.

And name calling is bad, not something to dismiss.

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 09/11/2018 12:55

'We have been spoken to...' WTAF?

Like you've been told?

Tell him to pack and go!

BlardyBlar · 09/11/2018 13:10

We went to family counselling. It did help a bit. However there were some moments when I felt sick. I told the counsellor my husband sometimes lost his temper and the bloody (male) counsellor turned to my husband and said “Oh you don’t seem like someone who’d lose their temper.” Fortunately for me, my husband admitted it, but there were other occasions when he decided we were all “ganging up on him” (read, we all believed his behaviour patterns could be unpleasant) and then he’d just get angry after the session.

Many abusive men appear lovely to anyone outside the family.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 09/11/2018 13:24

I’m still wondering what the daughter did because if all she did was spill something then the OP would have told us out of outrage but because she isn’t mentioning it clearly it was something probably awful or accumalative awful and maybe she warranted it ‘we’ll probably not’ but context is key so come on OP fess up what happened

pointythings · 09/11/2018 13:39

JustAnother the OP said her DD 'disrespected' her H. That in itself was a huge red flag to me, because my H used to go on and on about 'disrespect'. What it meant was 'won't provide unquestioning compliance with my every word'. And he didn't like it when I pointed out that we didn't live in the 1950s any more and that his DDs weren't 6 years old any more, but he didn't react the way OP's H did.

But honestly, even if teen DD had done something terrible, OP's H reacted in a way that was completely disproportionate. I mean, not speaking to his entire family for 72 hours? That in itself is enough to say this family is broken.

Mom2K · 09/11/2018 14:05

Honestly. MN is the absolute last place I recommend anybody comes for relationship advice. Unless, of course, they've decided it's all over and are looking for people to egg them on to the divorce courts.

If mumsnet is the last place you'd recommend anyone to go for advice, then maybe you should get off. Because as I see it...you haven't offered anything constructive to anyone. Your ma tra seems to be "try to find out why he's being abusive and see if he can get help." I don't know what deluded universe you're living in bit that is ignorant amd dangerous advice. Plenty of people go througj crap and stresses in life but don't anuse others. Those that do may need some help but it is not the victims responsibility to sort that out. The victim needs to remove themself from that situation, end of. And in my experience unless the abusive person recognisees for themself that they need help, they're not going to get it or change at someome elses insistence...or else they will pretend to be getting help and rhen use that to further facilitate/excuse their abusive behavior.

LifeImplosionImminent · 10/11/2018 17:42

Hmmm - 14 year olds can be cunts though...

ExFury · 10/11/2018 17:48

Hmmm - 14 year olds can be cunts though...

Not ever to the extent that it’s acceptable to ignore that child plus your other child plus your wife for THREE days...

Shriek · 10/11/2018 17:55

Not ever an excuse to treat a DC this way. This is just exerting abusive power and control to hurt, demean and destroy another. It doesn't serve to address the situation.
Its all about him, and his being 'disrespected', not about her behaviour in any sense.
Her behaviour is irrelevant and unrelated to his reaction. There doesn't come a point at which its reasonable to hit, dependent upon behaviour either.
This is abuser talk

bertielab · 10/11/2018 18:01

I would talk to him and give him a chance to apologise -but if he wouldn't I'd say it was a deal breaker and file for a divorce.

PickAChew · 10/11/2018 18:21

Yes, some teens can be bloody awful but it's up to the adults in their lives to be adults, guide them through the sticky patch and help them to become balanced and empathic adults, themselves.

Atl377 · 10/11/2018 19:40

Wow reading the replies has shocked me because I grew up thinking this was normal behaviour.My Dad was very my house,my rules.Was violent and wouldn’t speak for weeks sometimes and I wonder why at the age of 40 I have a line of failed relationships behind me,all of them abusive and the cycle has continued because my children have witnessed it.My mum never left either but you should because it will carry on through the generations.This has just hit me like a ton of bricks x

Shriek · 10/11/2018 19:50

atl377 Flowers this is not the reason for failed relationships. There is no causal link between abuse as a child and being abused in an intimate relationship. As shocking as that may be, that is the research from WA who are the specialists in this. It's extremely unlucky, and don't think you can make someone abuse you, they have to be abusive or it will make them feel a bit sick at the very least.
There are shocking stats on the prevalence of abuse, many women are equally as unlucky, they do not bring it upon themselves or 'enable' or any that crap...they are 'surviving'

Atl377 · 10/11/2018 20:38

Oh I’m not victim
Blaming shriek but it makes sense to me that growing up around violence and emotional abuse I might subconsciously attract these abusers as I expect that’s how men should act.Its only now I’m doing these courses aimed at victims am I seeing a pattern from my childhood x