DH has called DD an ‘insufferable c#%t’ - am horrified

[Havetonamechangeforthisone]

I have nc-ed for this. She ‘disrespected’ him (she is 14) and he shouted that at her and told her to fuck off (repeatedly) get out of his house and stop using his electricity and eating his food.

I’m in utter shock and horrified.
In the meantime DH has not spoken to her or me or our other DD for 72hours and continues to ignore us.

He’s had similar outbursts/sulks before but this takes the cake!!

I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry about how she’s been treated. Resigned/bored with the sulking. Have learnt not to initiate conversation but have to wait until it’s brought up. It’s absolutely unacceptable but what can I do about it??!! Feel totally helpless.

Any advice?

Message from MNHQ: The OP has updated the thread. Please read her recent post here.

That’s disgusting. Protect your daughters and show them that abusive behaviour should not be tolerated, for all your sakes.

You're not married to my dad are you OP? I've been where your DD is at the same age. Please don't let her go through this. Trust me, she will blame you too - you have the power to protect her and by choosing not to, you're allowing her to remain in this position.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that, not you, not her, not anybody.

I had a similar situation growing up. My step father was horrifically cruel to me and I had to constantly leave home to stay elsewhere because of him. It was very emotionally stressful for my mother, who had kids with this huffy, angry guy, and relied on him financially so it wasn’t as easy as just leaving him, or divorce.
Do you think he has it in him to be physically violent towards any of you? If so, please seek help from family/friends/DV phone lines.

She did however, end up divorcing him years later when she found the courage and saved up enough money for a deposit. He’s still a c*nt, but she’s the happiest she’s ever been in recent years. Food for thought.

What @LizzieSiddal said

As a child whose dad said horrid things, I despised him my whole childhood. Never understood why mum didn't leave or stick up for us. As a result I'm close to neither of them now.

Who is the adult here? What is this teaching your children about relationships and respect. Moreover, if you saw this between your daughter and husband in future, what would your advice be?

Get rid. He sounds like a right twat. Just imagine life without him in it. 36 hours and still being ignored? Have you told him what a dick he is, because just like he is entitled to use his voice, so are you

The “he’s an adult, she’s a child” froth doesn’t work for me either. I’m still wondering what she did as 14 year olds are well quite capable of being cunts and aren’t little innocent children Ffs.

What he is doing is so against his biology i’d look for a fixable reason first.

You don't pay much attention to the news, do you...

your first responsibility is towards your dd who needs you to show her, through decisive action, that no woman must accept that treatment from anyone especially not a partner. otherwise I'm afraid your inactivity/apparent passive acceptance can cause as much damage as his abuse. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear and it's not something i say lightly. I'm not sure his relationship with her could ever be repaired whatever he says.

OP, what are you doing?

There are many MNetters who talk about resenting their mothers for not standing up to their fathers or protecting them from this kind of damaging behaviour. I think you need to seriously consider that fact in your decision about how to broach this. You should be able to bring it up. What happens if you do?

14 year old girls can be vile.

maybe your 14 year old daughter was vile enought to be deserving of being called a fucking cunt by her dad. I doubt it but if she was, I think you should look long and hard at how you reared her.

Mine - no, they were not vile and nor did they deserve what they got from the OP's husband. I doubt the OP's dd did either.

It is utterly depressing on this site how often women will prioritise a man's wish to abuse over a woman/girl's need to be safe. Absolutely blatently saying his mental health/stress/reaction to her "vileness" justifies whatever he does or says.

I really never understood how women ended up in abusive relationships (having a lovely father myself and no abusive men in my life) until I read this shit and realise some women are damaged or programmed to simply accept shit if it comes from a man.

Don't let your dd be one of them, OP. If he said it and then immediatelyt said "oh my god I can't believe I said this, I'm sorry but you are behaving badly, that's no excuse but can we talk" maybe. But saying it and all the other shit designed to make the girl feel utterly insecure and then to go into silence waiting for the women in his life to persuade him to talk again ... no fucking way.

And I thank you, dad, for teaching me what I deserve in a relationship.

The “he’s an adult, she’s a child” froth doesn’t work for me either. I’m still wondering what she did as 14 year olds are well quite capable of being cunts and aren’t little innocent children Ffs.

This 14 year old girls are vile and cunts froth doesn't work with me. Grown men aren't innocent babes ffs.

IlikebigbotsandIcannotlie
Seriously?

Despite what the OP said about this man's history of raging outbursts and his history of prolonged sulking you think the 14 year old caused this?

Despite the attitude behind the words - my house, my electricity, my food?

Despite the dehumanising behind 'Fuck off' and 'insufferable cunt' shouted at his own daughter?

Sometimes I wonder what 'normal' means to some posters here.

Sometimes I wonder what 'normal' means to some posters here.

Yes indeed. There are some fairly grim normals out there.

14-year-olds are very much still children. And at that age they need their parents’ support more than ever because of all the changes they’re going through - hormones etc.
I feel for you OP - I hope you’re ok and you get the support you need.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to step up and protect your daughters from this vile man. It’s your job as their mother to put their needs first

Has he explained his behaviour ? Has he got form for this ? Tbh I can't see what any of you get out of living with a bloke who sulks for three days

the OP said in her first post that he has had similar outbursts in the past and that she has learnt not to initiate conversation when he gives her the silent treatment

so hardly out of character then

It doesn't sound like a deal breaker to me OP but then again I don't live in the MN bubble. Not all men crochet and sob over their casseroles. This is what life is like sometimes. In saying that, you're going to have to put your foot down because this is a line in the sand he shouldn't have crossed.

Why is he still in your house? Children ALWAYS come before any man.

I guess before we go with THE, quite frankly, hysterical "he's a monster" solution, I'm mearly suggesting looking a bit deeper as to why this happened.

Do you genuinely think after reading the OP that people telling her that he is behaving appallingly are hysterical?

What would you do if your dh called your 14 year old a fucking cunt and told her she should get out of his house and stop eating his food? And then stops talking to anyone for 3 or more days?

Seriously? I have only had nice men in my life. I give people the benefit of the doubt. But I think my dds would change their view of me forever if I didn't stand up at this and say "how fucking dare you. Stop and leave until you are able to be normal"

I am genuinely perplexed that a world view of "people are decent" can translate into "so put up with everything". No way would I want my 14 year old launched into the world thinking that it is ok for a man to behave like that. Would you really?

Not all men crochet and sob over their casseroles. This is what life is like sometimes.

Not all men call their daughters fucking cunts either. There is actually a middle ground. But I am sorry that this is what your life is like sometimes. It really doesn't have to be.

@havetonamechangeforthisone how are you? How is your DD?
A massive shock, she is not a cunt, thats her home, and her food, and electricity, they're not 'his'! It doesn't matter what she's done, nothing deserves treating your own, or any, child this way. They are all over the place at this age and need the stability of a parents that don't fall apart when they are railled against.