DH has called DD an ‘insufferable c#%t’ - am horrified

[Havetonamechangeforthisone]

I have nc-ed for this. She ‘disrespected’ him (she is 14) and he shouted that at her and told her to fuck off (repeatedly) get out of his house and stop using his electricity and eating his food.

I’m in utter shock and horrified.
In the meantime DH has not spoken to her or me or our other DD for 72hours and continues to ignore us.

He’s had similar outbursts/sulks before but this takes the cake!!

I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry about how she’s been treated. Resigned/bored with the sulking. Have learnt not to initiate conversation but have to wait until it’s brought up. It’s absolutely unacceptable but what can I do about it??!! Feel totally helpless.

Any advice?

Message from MNHQ: The OP has updated the thread. Please read her recent post here.

Aquilla I’m sorry you think this is what life is like & I’m sorry that it is for some people. However, for the vast majority it isn’t. This would be a deal breaker for the majority of people & so it should be.

I can swear like a trouper, but rarely around kids, but I don’t see it as the end of the world for them to hear it and for the older ones to have ‘Oh for fuck sake...’ directed at them, but IMO it’s NEVER ok to name call your children, especially with language like that. Then to tell a 14 yo to get out of YOUR house, not to eat YOUR food etc it’s beyond the pale. She’s a CHILD.

I’m not sure why he’s there 72 hours later, he’d have been gone 72 SECONDS later.

I’m still wondering what she did as 14 year olds are well quite capable of being cunts and aren’t little innocent children Ffs.

I can only say we all have different standards and expectations in life.

I can't see a respectable man using such language to his DD.

How anyone is trying justify this really is troubling. Added to telling her to get out...and not eat his food.

That word has NEVER been used in my house...or in my parents house growing up.

All children can be challenging... but they shouldn't be verbally abused by their dad. Never.

I’m sorry, but what did she actually do OP? All this LTB frothing 🙄, 14 year old girls can be vile.

If this is a one-off loss of control by your DH after your DD was being vile, I'd give him a sharp talking to (don't wait for him to raise it) and let him know it's not on, however nasty she is. He's the adult.

If this is one of many incidents, he's not fit to parent her and unless he apologizes immediately and changes his behaviour right away, he can start packing. He doesn't deserve his family.

When I was 14, I was a horrible, horrible cunt.

I stole from my parents. I lied to them. I was verbally abusive to them. I was AWFUL.

My dad would tell me, I’d disappointed him, he hoped for more from me, he believed I was capable of better.

He never, ever laid a hand on me or called me names. I was a child - he was an adult.

30 years on I’m paying his mortgage and we’re the best of friends - he gave me the space to grow into myself.

Please op. There’s NOTHING that a teenage child can do to deserve what your husband is putting her through. You’re her only barrier.

Horrible man. I know 14 year olds can be stroppy, moody and drive parents to distraction (I was), but parents should never use bad language in front of them. It shows a great lack of self control. I'd be tempted to give him sack!

However what I hope, at the very least, is that he apologises and resolves not to do it again.

He’s had similar outbursts/sulks before ... Have learnt not to initiate conversation but have to wait until it’s brought up... Feel totally helpless.

It couldn't be clearer from the OP that this is not a weird blip, a brain tumour or any other excuse. It's an ongoing pattern of tyrannical behaviour.

My dad was like this, OP. He caused lasting, serious injury to both my self-worth and my relationships (I automatically went for partners who were like him but "less worse"). After I finally cottoned on and got some help repairing the damage, it took years and many painful talks to reconcile with my mother. He abused her too, of course.

I'm able to forgive my mum because I'm old and there really were no options for mothers leaving their husbands back then. These days, it can be incredibly hard but it is possible. One thing you might do is talk privately with your children about your family living under this dominator, and explore how they feel about the idea of leaving him or chucking him out. A 'trial separation' might at least give you all some head space.

I cannot believe some of the responses here. Some women really do set the bar low for themselves and their children don't they. Get him out, OP, and if you can't get him out then get yourself and your children out.

What an insufferable Cunt he Is!!
Your poor DD. I feel for all three of you. How does she feel about being shouted at in such a nasty, vile way? What did she say/do, to receive such a vile response?

Maybe he is, but unlike most MNs, I believe people are usually decent people and there are outside reasons why these things happen.

Might be a good idea to read what the OP said about the habitual behaviour of this sorry excuse for a husband and father then, ABeanCalledHopeInAMadTin.

I think it’s quite telling that OP hasn’t mentioned what her daughter has done to warrant such an outburst, I don’t think it was an acceptable outburst but context is king

Honestly? I'd think there was something very mentally wrong with him and he needed help urgently. Deciding he is the devil incarnate probably not the first thing that comes to my mind.

yes so would I with my particular husband because it would be so out of character. but it is clear from the OP's post that this ISN"T out of character. Can you not understand that the OP's situation is not yours?

Why respond to an imaginary post ("my lovely husband suddenly started shouting profanities at our 14 year old") instead of the one before you? How does that help?

I would end my marriage over this.

this has been recent frequent outburst?there is no excusing it op and im so sorry but...do you think there is something wrong:stressed something happened?THERE IS NO EXCUSING IT but has something tipped him over?
only you yourself no where you are on the line being crossed here.is it now once too often and this is ur last straw.do you think he needs help or you can and want to work through whatever is going on.or has he just turned into a vile prick and there is no way back?
more importantly look after urself and ur dd.
I mean was she doing soemthng atrocious.or just being a bratty horrid teenager?it matters if she needs to be told she has behaved disgustingly but it matters moe to be told that there comes a time when a punishment is not on and his was just that.that she does not or should not have to suffer this kind of attack and it wont be stood for.
no matter how hard she is acting possibly.no matter how horrid.this would hrut any child.any person come to that!
that word is NOT ALLOWED anywhere near our home .it is THAT word to mum so if someone aimed it agressivly at one of us.they would be out no question.

The “he’s an adult, she’s a child” froth doesn’t work for me either. I’m still wondering what she did as 14 year olds are well quite capable of being cunts and aren’t little innocent children Ffs.

Absolutely they can be - however did you read the whole OP?

He’s been giving his wife and their other child the silent treatment for 3 DAYS. Not just the dd hevruweec with.

That’s abusive. A one off snap of temper is one thing, and bad enough, but taking his mood out on the entire house for days is completely unacceptable.

I would copy and paste your OP on to the divorce petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

When H called your DD an insufferable cunt, he was projecting wildly.

Not all men crochet and sob over their casseroles. This is what life is like sometimes. < ridiculous goady bollocks!

We don't know the background but you could insist that DH apologises to DD and explains to her why he lost his temper so give him the chance to redeem himself.
If this is going to be left - hanging over their and your relationships it doesn't bode well for a happy future together. Ask DD if she can put this behind her like you do when he is angry? What if she says she can't, is she leaving home?

Agree with what @chestylarue52 said above. I know I was utterly vile at that age and really tested my parents but was never ever called any kind of name or physically intimidated either.
Im also someone who swears a lot but the word cunt is not in my vocabulary ever. It's a really ugly vicious word for some reason and I don't think there's any occasion where I'd use it even in my worst loss of control angry moment.
If my DH used it at our kids I would be totally stunned and outraged. If it was a one off loss of control followed immediately by sincere remorse I might forgive it but if it was a pattern and followed by abusive silence that would be it for me
Do u want her to grow up and think it's ok for a man to call her such a name ?

If it was an outburst caused by stress, etc. by an otherwise calm an rational person then surely they would be just as shocked and remorseful of their words the moment they left their lips and they would want to sort the situation out?

Get him out. That's all I can say without ranting for ten pages. A lot of these MNers speak from experience, so please listen to them and do this to protect your DD.

I adored my DDad. I won't bore you all with the myriad reasons why. He was just the best but.....had he called me a cunt even once I would not love him. I would not love anyone that called me a cunt and would do everything in my power to avoid being anywhere near that person.

My DDad would have cut his own legs off before calling me a cunt and that was because he was a quality person. It doesn't get much worse than this OP. He has pressed the big red button IMHO. There's no going back from this. He wants out but he's making it look like your decision to end things but that's just cowardice. I would be long gone a day after this.

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not. This is NOT the model of a relationship she should be seeing here.

What did she do exactly, OP? Was she being a typical PITA, self-absorbed teenager, or has she killed the family pet in cold blood? A bit of context would help.

Tell him to get the fuck out and divorce the cunt.