I posted this under a new username so thanks to those who advised it is not 'highlighted' -reposting as so many kind people are writing supportive messages without realising I have updated:
I am the OP. I can’t believe this was nearly 3 years ago.
I wish I had acted on the good advice of people then. I wanted to hope things could change and improve. I wanted to see the good in him and work for a better family life.
Both the girls started developing serious depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. My focus became on dealing with those rather than being able to recognise the root cause. Hindsight is a marvellous thing. I am still struggling to call what happened to us as ‘abuse’ even now and even after all the other incidents.
The stonewalling got worse in the last part of 2019 where there was a 3 month period, during which I sought advice from the Domestic Abuse helpline who advised me how to prepare a safety plan and to start putting some money away in my own bank account. As I did not already have my own, I opened one in December. When he found out in January 2020, he was absolutely furious and told me to close it immediately. When I refused he started sleeping in another bed.
Later in 2020 he agreed to family therapy (after several threats to leave us and commit suicide if he was ‘rejected’ by us). It was not very productive especially when it came down to discussing the core issue - my eldest asking him to acknowledge he had been abusive. The first time she confronted him it was in person just before she started university and he was so angry with her he withdrew his offer to pay for her accommodation. I paid for it (and am still paying it off). He eventually agreed to pay for this year so hopefully will. In the therapy session, when it was raised he again became furious, argued with the counsellor who was trying to get him to think about what had been said rather than telling my daughter she was wrong and he eventually slammed his laptop shut (Zoom meeting!) and left. He refused to participate in further therapy.
It was another incident with the youngest DD (then 16) which triggered the months of stonewalling. Yet again he blew up at he with verbal abuse and told her to fuck off and that she had a few days to pack up all her things and leave the home. He went into her room and threw loads of her things in black bin bags and threw them out onto the driveway. I said she needed a place to live and it would be with me in my home. DD reported it to school and social services became involved.
DD also fell in with a horrible crowd and began substance abuse, her anxiety worsened, she developed an eating disorder and her boyfriend was abusive to her - she refuses to press charges. She is now being seen by CAMHS and is on intensive medication. They have diagnosed trauma symptoms amongst other issues. She had a suicide attempt a few months ago. The eldest is also still receiving counselling for potential CPTSD.
I asked for separation in April 2021 after having decided my NY resolution would be to finally break free from the toxic and damaging situation my family has become.
I have learned my husband has Narcissistic Personality traits and is behaving in a textbook manner of a covert narcissist. Outside the family, no one would believe what he can be like. My parents and brother keep saying they struggle to accept the things I tell them happened because it is so at odds with their experience If his behaviour and personality.
He begged for marriage counselling, blamed me for ruining his ‘world’, told everyone it was not his decision etc… and within a month he joined an online dating agency and took up with a mistress. Textbook narcissistic ‘discard’. The projection and personal attacks are constant. He blocked me on Facebook well before I asked to separate, tells me to fuck off and leave him alone; extorted money from me to use our family car as he wouldn’t renew insurance or pay road tax; I could give endless examples of how he controls our dog, has taken mutually owned items from the house without discussion etc…
Long story short - if your gut tells you to get out, GET OUT!!! Don’t wait like I did.
I have horrendous guilt over the extra damage done to our beautiful girls because I didn’t take action. As horrendous and stressful as the current situation is in regard to financial security, trying to divide assets (mediation failed - surprise, surprise!!) and the weaponisation of our dog and the youngest DD (eldest wants to change her surname and has told him she wants nothing to do with him if he can’t acknowledge and apologise for his behaviour towards her)… I HAVE HOPE for the future. I have finally done the right thing.
The fact his mother condones his adultery and ignores his abuse, and the fact other long term friends (there really are very few as he’s cut most people out if his life) don’t realise what he’s really like is irrelevant. We know the truth, we have many who love and support us and we are on the way to being free to live our lives without the eggshell-walking, gaslighting, manipulation, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, PROJECTION (oh the projection!!) and other insidious behaviours.