DH has called DD an ‘insufferable c#%t’ - am horrified

[Havetonamechangeforthisone]

I have nc-ed for this. She ‘disrespected’ him (she is 14) and he shouted that at her and told her to fuck off (repeatedly) get out of his house and stop using his electricity and eating his food.

I’m in utter shock and horrified.
In the meantime DH has not spoken to her or me or our other DD for 72hours and continues to ignore us.

He’s had similar outbursts/sulks before but this takes the cake!!

I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry about how she’s been treated. Resigned/bored with the sulking. Have learnt not to initiate conversation but have to wait until it’s brought up. It’s absolutely unacceptable but what can I do about it??!! Feel totally helpless.

Any advice?

Message from MNHQ: The OP has updated the thread. Please read her recent post here.

Your patterns of behaviour still only make them responsible. Not you, no way, no how. It is common even for therapists to go into childhood abuse as some sort of completely unfounded reason for getting yourself into this mess.
What do they say I wonder to the other 50% of women who never suffered abuse as a child?
It is just another way of apportioning blame. I know that's not what you are trying to do, but it is what you are believing. The women who had good sense of self, great boundaries, confidence, all gone, what do counsellors say to them. Well you must have had an abusive father to have 'allowed/let/enabled' it about power and control. They are the only ones who have the power to 'let/allow/enable' and they dont

Shriek, I think you have got the wrong end of the stick there slightly. Being exposed to consistent dysfunction as a child makes it more likely that you will not see red flags in future partners and will end up experiencing similar dynamics in relationships as an adult. This is not victim blaming - it's exactly as Atl77 says "I expect that's how men should act" - and before you realise what's happening, an abuser takes full advantage.

It's one of the main reasons why women who are mothers should not stay in abusive situations.

Nobody should stay, but for mothers the impact on their children needs to be taken into account. Hence the rightful scorn poured on the notion of staying together for the sake of the children.

to you , Atl77 - this is the site for you.

Have you ever read a book by Lundy Bancroft "Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"?
It's quite an eye opener.

Yes Math I don't have the wrong end of the stick. This is actually happening and women feeling somehow implicated in the abuse.

The lack of seeing red flags does not implicate you, and I have seen over and over that women do see red flags inside their relationships, but they are denied, minimised and made to feel mad. It is the same process whether somehow 'primed' to it or not.
I don't want to derail here. OP has been very clear about the red flags.

You are setting an example to your impressionable daughter!
Think lond and hard... she may be in the same position one day... what would you be saying to her if it was your granddaughter that had been spokento like that!
He’s a fucking bastards that needs kicking into the gutter!

Absolutely agree it is down to the choice of the abuser, Shriek, and that there is no blame whatsoever on the part of tie victim.

But the conditioning of women, the values we are taught to hold dear, play their part in making us vulnerable to abuse. The values range from the straight up 'marriage is forever/divorce is bad' and 'boys will be boys' to the subtle messages found in Disney princess culture. It is all around us. For their part, men are exposed to many toxic influences too in their formative years.

Who is more important? Your daughter or your husband?
This can really damage a child and and she's at an age where this type of behaviour and abuse could really make a terrible impact

Man looks after woman who looks after child.If your child is being called a cunt then your husband is immature.

Leave him,your child is more important.NEVER PUT YOUR HUSBAND ABOVE YOUR CHILD,REMEBER SHE IS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY....

She needs you now more than ever!!!!!

Yes, societal beliefs support abusers. All need education to challenge those beliefs.

Sadly its just getting worse if the female penis brigade are anything to go by

In a patriarchal society men are making the rules that oppress women and children, also abuse.
Still doesnt mean women are in some way inciting abuse. I just can't accept that at all. They are always responsible. I am sick of women blaming themselves and others for being 'too nice'. It makes me a bit sick that it can be turned on you in that way.
There is bloody nothing wrong with being nice, the world would be a different place if there was a lot more of it.
It's a judgement on women who are abused,and almost as if they are blamed

There is, sadly, no right answer to any of this. I did leave XH because he said similar to our DC, and I felt I had to protect them from this kind of abuse (because that's what it is, in my book). However, the DC still resent me, four years on, for "breaking up the family" and "leaving poor Daddy". It's horrible whichever way you look at it.

Explain to your girl that it is not how anyone should talk to people and you will be having a big talk with your partner. Your kids come first

Oh gawd black absolutely yep. You are wrong if you leave/wrong if you stay. I know there are others out there who say they are glad their DM left, but there are many accused of breaking up the family, blamed and coerced and manipulated by the F they are offered up to. Not to mention the two or three who are murdered every week, including those who have escaped, and tried to escape.

Sorry posted too soon.
If he is not willing to try with DR and counselling then you need to leave. You can't be doing all the work whilst baby sitting his ego and temper too. He has no empathy to a girl going through puberty.

Agree, Shriek. It is only getting worse.

Hmmm - 14 year olds can be cunts though...

He didn't just call her a cunt. He called her an unsufferable cunt. Told her to fuck off multiple times. To leave his house, not use his electricity, not to eat his food. He then ignored his wife and children for days!

I cannot believe people are trying to excuse his disgusting behaviour...

You need to leave. My dad told me to fuck off once, just once. Without the name calling. And I still can't forget it. But he was 'stressed' so my music practice for my exam was 'too much' and I was told that I needed to let him away with it.

It's not ok. And yours is much much worse.

Take your kids and leave, however you can.

Can we just not be calling teens cunts WTF is up with some posters. Poor bloody kids.

Chance to think of

Think of the lessons that your daughter’s most important relationship role model (your marriage) and your pandering to this man (waiting for him to address you), is teaching her.

Shrek the OP is not powerless, she has surrendered power to this man but she is free to take it back any time. Putting up with this shit and exposing her DD to this toxic and damaging environment is a choice, not a healthy one but a choice neither the less.

This is who he he is, waiting around for him to be different, particularly when he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be, is futile.

I am the OP. I can’t believe this was nearly 3 years ago.
I wish I had acted on the good advice of people then. I wanted to hope things could change and improve. I wanted to see the good in him and work for a better family life.
Both the girls started developing serious depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. My focus became on dealing with those rather than being able to recognise the root cause. Hindsight is a marvellous thing. I am still struggling to call what happened to us as ‘abuse’ even now and even after all the other incidents.
The stonewalling got worse in the last part of 2019 where there was a 3 month period, during which I sought advice from the Domestic Abuse helpline who advised me how to prepare a safety plan and to start putting some money away in my own bank account. As I did not already have my own, I opened one in December. When he found out in January 2020, he was absolutely furious and told me to close it immediately. When I refused he started sleeping in another bed.
Later in 2020 he agreed to family therapy (after several threats to leave us and commit suicide if he was ‘rejected’ by us). It was not very productive especially when it came down to discussing the core issue - my eldest asking him to acknowledge he had been abusive. The first time she confronted him it was in person just before she started university and he was so angry with her he withdrew his offer to pay for her accommodation. I paid for it (and am still paying it off). He eventually agreed to pay for this year so hopefully will. In the therapy session, when it was raised he again became furious, argued with the counsellor who was trying to get him to think about what had been said rather than telling my daughter she was wrong and he eventually slammed his laptop shut (Zoom meeting!) and left. He refused to participate in further therapy.
It was another incident with the youngest DD (then 16) which triggered the months of stonewalling. Yet again he blew up at he with verbal abuse and told her to fuck off and that she had a few days to pack up all her things and leave the home. He went into her room and threw loads of her things in black bin bags and threw them out onto the driveway. I said she needed a place to live and it would be with me in my home. DD reported it to school and social services became involved.
DD also fell in with a horrible crowd and began substance abuse, her anxiety worsened, she developed an eating disorder and her boyfriend was abusive to her - she refuses to press charges. She is now being seen by CAMHS and is on intensive medication. They have diagnosed trauma symptoms amongst other issues. She had a suicide attempt a few months ago. The eldest is also still receiving counselling for potential CPTSD.
I asked for separation in April 2021 after having decided my NY resolution would be to finally break free from the toxic and damaging situation my family has become.

I have learned my husband has Narcissistic Personality traits and is behaving in a textbook manner of a covert narcissist. Outside the family, no one would believe what he can be like. My parents and brother keep saying they struggle to accept the things I tell them happened because it is so at odds with their experience If his behaviour and personality.
He begged for marriage counselling, blamed me for ruining his ‘world’, told everyone it was not his decision etc… and within a month he joined an online dating agency and took up with a mistress. Textbook narcissistic ‘discard’. The projection and personal attacks are constant. He blocked me on Facebook well before I asked to separate, tells me to fuck off and leave him alone; extorted money from me to use our family car as he wouldn’t renew insurance or pay road tax; I could give endless examples of how he controls our dog, has taken mutually owned items from the house without discussion etc…

Long story short - if your gut tells you to get out, GET OUT!!! Don’t wait like I did.

I have horrendous guilt over the extra damage done to our beautiful girls because I didn’t take action. As horrendous and stressful as the current situation is in regard to financial security, trying to divide assets (mediation failed - surprise, surprise!!) and the weaponisation if our dog and the youngest DD (eldest wants to change her surname and has told him she wants nothing to do with him if he can’t acknowledge and apologise for his behaviour towards her)… I HAVE HOPE for the future. I have finally done the right thing.

The fact his mother condones his adultery and ignores his abuse, and the fact other long term friends (there really are very few as he’s cut most people out if his life) don’t realise what he’s really like is irrelevant. We know the truth, we have many who love and support us and we ate on the way to being free to live our lives without the eggshell-walking, gaslighting, manipulation, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, PROJECTION (oh the projection!!) and other insidious behaviours.

Jesus christ OP, for the sake of your children, remove them and yourself from this situation. Imagine growing up thinking this is what dads are like.

Apologies OP, just read your update. Have you left?

WTF with all the victim blaming on this thread? Teenage girls are cunts, are they? Who probably brought this verbal and emotional abuse upon themselves with their cuntishness? Fuck off with your misogynistic comments.

OP, your husband is abusing you and your children. I'm not sure what you need to be able to see that. But I hope you are able to see it, and that you can find the courage to protect yourself and your children from any further abuse. There is only one way to do that. I'm sorry, I know it's so hard