is my husband depressed, or a selfish fucker

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

50, natural introvert, Good Man, works hard, likes to relax with computer games. Drinks for "stress management".

3 kids, all early/preteens. He spends zero time with them. and, I mean, zero. If I'm not here he doesn't feed them, he might order dominoes, but, that's it. No "have you brushed your teeth?" or "let's go outside" or "how are you getting on with x,y,z" because he has no idea what their x, y, z's are.

We don't share a room because I snore (totally fair). We don't have sex. We don't go out. We have no plans for our future. He won't talk about my work. He does nothing in the house beyond the things he cherry picked for himself, financial stuff and bins etc.

He's a good man, he's loyal, moral, has a work ethic, is very very smart. I pointed out to him that he is not actually in a relationship with any of the people he lives with and that I WANT to be in a relationship. That the kids need him. that this is shit.

Cue sad face, sorrowful "let's have date night" and vague panic that I'll leave him (not misplaced panic).

Says he's depressed. Sees no need to get a diagnosis because it's just work stress.

I think he's just managed to engineer our lives so that he does the bare minimum. I think he's happiest in front of a complex computer game, with a glass of wine and his own company.

Fancy voting? Should I help/coerce/frogmarch him to GP or find my ducks so I can line them up?

You can be depressed and also be a selfish fucker. The two are not mutually exclusive.

That said, I couldn’t be with someone who can’t even parent his own kids. Waste of space.

Ultimatum? Sort yourself out, counselling, treatment for depression, whatever? OR....

What would you do if he gets a diagnosis of depression? Would you feel more supportive, or more resentful?

He's a good man

No he isn't. After everything you've written about him, it says a lot that you actually believe this!

He does what he likes and nothing else, that's not a good man. He's really got his perfect life, hasn't he?! Doesn't bother with anything but his own interests.

My vote's for ducks.

He's definitely a selfish man. I wouldn't describe him as good.

Want to spend the rest of your life with a selfish man?

He does NOTHING. Literally nothing.

He does not contribute to family life in any way.

How do your poor kids feel about him?

I'd be out of there like a shot.

He's a good man, he's loyal, moral, has a work ethic, is very very smart.

So why is he such a lazy bastard and so disengaged then? The 'depression' is bullshit. If he won't get a diagnosis it might be because there is nothing to diagnose, other than a serial case of lazy-arse-itis. (And I take MH issues seriously.)

Another vote for ducks in a row.

I am in your shoes atm. FWIW DH is depressed and has been off work for months. He is getting very slowly better with anti-ds and some counselling. But any kind of effort and stress knocks him back. I am being patient but it's wearing thin.

I have been in his shoes so I do sympathise but as I had no support (from him or anyone else) at the time I just had to get on with it. I sort of wish he would too!! I am sinking fast being the only person actually DOING anything in our family and I can feel my own MH suffering.

In your case I would at least get him to visit the GP. If he recognises that he is failing you and his family he should be open to getting help. I know it can be hard for some people to admit they need help but if he is using it as an 'excuse' he needs to be prepared to deal with it.

Good luck

It doesn't matter if he is depressed or not, he is undoubtedly selfish. His behaviour demonstrates he doesn't give a shit about you or his own dc. He is not a good man.

Also drinks for "stress management" sounds like the road to alcoholism, if he is not already there.

I vote for finding your ducks.

And you and he are still together at all because...

What does he bring to the table here?. What is the point of his existence.

I seriously question your own boundaries here too if you describe him as a good man. Is your own denial that strong that you actually believe such nonsense, why did you write that at all?. And I do not think he is depressed either; abusive men sometimes use that as an excuse for their own poor behaviours.

Leave him to his computer games and wine. He will manage without you and you will certainly thrive without him in your day to day lives.

Can't say if he's depressed. Apart from the fact he has said "I'm depressed". That's what we are going on. So sure, maybe he is.

But yes he is definitely selfish!

Being depressed can make you selfish/insular/self indulgent. But selfish people can also become depressed (which I would assume makes the selfishness worse too). Has he ever been an active part of the family? Or is he saying he's always been depressed?....in which case what does he intend on changing now?

Interesting that he suggested a date night to keep you. What about wanting to have relationship with his kids? They are all going to be rolling their eyes at boring dad who doesn't seem to give a shit about them in 5 years time. At least if he's locked away playing games I hope they can otherwise enjoy themselves at home and he doesn't bring too much of a dark cloud over you all?

He is not interested in seeking a diagnosis because he is inherently not depressed at all. He seems to manage at work as well and does not behave so badly there. I would think he is all sweetness and light to his work colleagues.

This is really no relationship model to be showing your children either; what are they learning from the two of you about relationships here. A whole heap of damaging lessons that is what and those could be carried into their own adult relationships.

You have a choice re this man OP; they do not. Make better choices for you and them going forward.

How is he a good man? You said he was twice but what makes him a good man in your eyes?

He could be one or the other. Or both.

Regardless he needs to change and/or seek help.

I don't get what's good about him.
He does fuck all.
He brings fuck all to any of your lives.

But... this works for him.
Why would he seek help or change?
You've enabled it for years.

Go on a hunt for those ducks and take them along to a solicitor!
What a crappy half life you and your DC lead!

Say he's depressed. Sees no need to get a diagnosis because it's just work stress.

Or... He's afraid the doctor would call his bluff.

Why wouldn't he seek help if he has a problem? And if it's work stress, what's he doing about it?

He isn't a good man to you or your dc.
Doesn't sound like they would miss him.
If he is genuinely depressed then go and diagnosis and therapy.
If stressed again get some strategies.
Ask him to go stay with friends or family for three weeks see if you miss him or vice versa

Find your ducks.

He is a lazy ass, who has got away with doing the bare minimum so that he can relax every evening in front of a computer game (I bet you are running around like a blue assed fly doing everything).

He's a good man, he's loyal, moral, has a work ethic, is very very smart.

Being smart doesn't make someone good, someone with morals would spend time with their family and do their share of house work, he doesn't have a good work ethic at home though, he's loyal in that he doesn't cheat on you? Does that make him a good man?

Some people are fundamentally unsuited to family life. Unfortunately, some of these people will seek one nevertheless because they want sex/housework/someone to do the shopping/a convenient shield to deflecting family questions of "so when are you going to meet a nice boy/girl and settle down?"

Your H doesn't want a family life. He's happy with his own company and clearly does not want any of the responsibillities of parenting.

At least if you leave you'll get CMS, but I wouldn't bank on him ever having the DC overnight. But I'd suggest that it's better for DC to have a completely absent father than one who is physically present but daily demonstrates to them that he doesn't give a flying fuck.

Can depressed people concentrate on complex computer games?
Doesn't it also affect their work?

You and your dcs do not appear to have any kind of meaningful relationship with this man. I would get those ducks lined up.

Find your ducks
You and your kids deserve more

My dh has a diagnosis of depression. Has been hospitalised on a few occasions for it.
Yet he played football with dc for hours, took them to matches and generally helped around the house including keeping a top notch garden.
Now he is retired he cooks most days and keeps house a bit tidy.
Your dh is very strange taking no interest in his dc. Even with the good bits. Does he not look at other fathers? What did his father do?
I always just headed off and left dh so he had no choice but it wasn't an issue as he had a hands on father and took joy out of doing stuff with dc.
Its not good.

I’m guessing he wasn’t like this when you married him? What did he used to do? What did you used to talk about? When did it change?