is my husband depressed, or a selfish fucker

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

50, natural introvert, Good Man, works hard, likes to relax with computer games. Drinks for "stress management".

3 kids, all early/preteens. He spends zero time with them. and, I mean, zero. If I'm not here he doesn't feed them, he might order dominoes, but, that's it. No "have you brushed your teeth?" or "let's go outside" or "how are you getting on with x,y,z" because he has no idea what their x, y, z's are.

We don't share a room because I snore (totally fair). We don't have sex. We don't go out. We have no plans for our future. He won't talk about my work. He does nothing in the house beyond the things he cherry picked for himself, financial stuff and bins etc.

He's a good man, he's loyal, moral, has a work ethic, is very very smart. I pointed out to him that he is not actually in a relationship with any of the people he lives with and that I WANT to be in a relationship. That the kids need him. that this is shit.

Cue sad face, sorrowful "let's have date night" and vague panic that I'll leave him (not misplaced panic).

Says he's depressed. Sees no need to get a diagnosis because it's just work stress.

I think he's just managed to engineer our lives so that he does the bare minimum. I think he's happiest in front of a complex computer game, with a glass of wine and his own company.

Fancy voting? Should I help/coerce/frogmarch him to GP or find my ducks so I can line them up?

OK.

You are, of course, all correct.

Kids are about to do exams - how many of you stick something out till that's done (means at least six years from now)?

I'm thinking of separating but living under the same roof. Least impact on the kids. If we divorce I have to move out our city because I just can't afford it. Mind, I'd not be sad to leave, we're only here because of his fucking job.

He might be depressed but regardless of any diagnosis of depression, he is a selfish twat. He doesn't even feed the kids if you're not around?! Seriously?

Line up ducks.

There's a lot of promises and no action in our entire marriage.
Guess why!!!???
Because you've allowed it.
He's never had any consequences to his inaction's.
Ever!
Time to follow through and live your life for you.
Separation and living together won't work.
You can certainly try.
Do you have enough room to manage this?

Doing this will mean he does his own, cooking, cleaning, shopping. washing, ironing, tidying!
Could you have a separate bathroom as well?

I did 6 months of this and it almost destroyed me!

Well, he doesn't mean to be a dick

And yet he is one.

You will probably spend the next 20 yrs continuing to live like this as he hasn't changed despite counseling and requests.

Is that what you want to do with your life?

The bit about the kids is my DH. That's my job, but then I don't know how to clean the oven.

I could have written this post, it's actually scarily similar to my circumstances.

Our DC are preschool but they regularly witness the back of his iPad, won't let him help them in anyway as I do absolutely EVERYTHING that needs doing for them. I do all the house work and plan any trips or activities with the DC.

He does finances, bins and occasional DIY and mowing the lawn. He thinks that's enough. He sits with a face like a slapped arse all day and then makes snide remarks at me for being not 100% happy smiley all fucking day. He knows I'm on antiDs now as my mood is so low, and has not asked a single question about why or what is wrong.

And yet... I have the same problem as you. I feel is this enough to leave someone and break their heart over? Split our family and end up back at square one with nowhere to live except relying on the kindness of family maybe? Seems so extreme, and yet I read all the replies you've received on this thread and agree with pretty much every one of them!

Oh and to add we don't sleep in the same bed, have any affection or intimacy or much conversation either tbh!

Where to find the strength to change everything though, I don't know 

hellsbells

yes, I have allowed it.

I've tried to change it, but, I have not managed. I am complicit, it's true.

Bean

Fair points. He has frequently not made them any dinner. Dominoes is at least a meal, that they all eat separately and they'll deliver wine. I was away with work, had left plenty food. They all like chicken kiev, so, that's what he fed them. A chicken kiev each on a plate. That really bothers me, he's more than capable of cooking a complete meal, he just can't be arsed. The KIDS are capable of making pasta/noodles/microwaving some peas - I told them that they will have to cook their own meals the next time I'm away with work.

It's pathetic. He said "you said it was kievs" with a mystified air about why I think this is just shoddy parenting.

The house stuff - he does all the financial stuff. I think that is so he can keep control and secrecy. I do not know how much my husband earns, or where the bank accounts are. He is very good with money and moves accounts and utilities all the time. It has been a constant fight that I am excluded from our financial affairs - one that I admitted defeat on at least 10 years ago.

We can live apart under one roof. It's what we are doing now anyway, really.

There is equity in the house. I could live mortgage free nearer my own family and some very good friends. Seriously tempting.

Not read the whole thread but op you don't need a penis to put the bins out.
Ltb.

He sounds god awful. As a husband, and as a father. It sounds like he's not even part of your and your children's lives, nor does he seem to want to be. You and your children deserve SO much more.
I couldn't live with someone like that. From how you describe things, I don't think anyone would miss him if he lived elsewhere.

Maybe he's depressed, but if so he needs to get it checked out and get help.

If you want to see if there's any hope in staying together, bare minimum to my mind is: GP re depression; perhaps individual counselling for both of you; followed by couple's counselling together. Does he have somewhere else he could stay, to give each other some space to think about the situation? Gathering your ducks is a good idea. Good luck.

Because you've allowed it. He's never had any consequences to his inaction's.

And yet the OP doesn't need consequences to want a relationship with her husband or her children.

It's not you, OP. It's him. This is what he is. He can't change unless he wanted to. But he's still finding excuses to continue his behaviour.
Accept him or leave him. You're not his mum or his employer (who'd actually sack him).

Well, he doesn't mean to be a dick

Sure...

So, he acts concerned when you mention issues to him, like he acted loving to get you to marry him.
Why do you still believe his good intentions?
He's got a skivy at home and the air of social respectability as a family man.
And he's got control of finances too.
Great for him.

Do something for yourself. You deserve some happiness.

Ah, so he's savvy enough to deal well with money and also to keep the finances secret from you. That's because it benefits him. The stuff with the kids doesn't benefit him, so he doesn't do it. Heliterally doesn't care if it's not for him.
Yes, he's that cynical. Someone who's capable of moving utilities around etc is capable of sorting out chips and beans to go with a chicken Kiev. He just didn't want to.
He's not a good man. I would start looking for financial information while you plan that mortgage-free life you can then have.

You think he’s loyal and moral? And not a dick? But he won’t feed his kids or show you the bank accounts? I’d want to see them all tomorrow and he doesn’t go to bed until he’s shown me every login and walked through with me what he does with it, or packed his bags.

The house stuff - he does all the financial stuff. I think that is so he can keep control and secrecy. I do not know how much my husband earns, or where the bank accounts are

In other words, he's on the ball, efficient and reliable when it comes to the one thing that actually makes it more difficult for you to leave.

Sorry you're going through this, but I think you need to start being honest with yourself about who he really is, and delete the 'good man' repetition from your description.

It has been a constant fight that I am excluded from our financial affairs
The fact you don't know where YOUR shared money is or anything about what he earns etc..... is Financial Abuse.
This guy gets worse the more you write.
He really does.

And yet the OP doesn't need consequences to want a relationship with her husband or her children
Absolutely! However, the OP has allowed this.
Has tried to change things but nothing changes. But she is still there. As he carries on....
Because there are no consequences for him.
He lives his happy, carefree life, with money goodness only knows where, other properties etc.... no doubt.

OP - start searching your house for evidence of anything.
Bank statements, savings, wage slips, assets, he must keep this stuff somewhere.

Womens Aid can help you with what you may need financially.

I would start getting to grips with the financial side of things so he can't mug you over if you separate.

OP and Cosimunderyourspell I could have written your post (except my H doesn’t even take the bins out - apparently that also falls as my ‘job’).

I’m lining up my ducks. I’ve been trying to find his tax return info as he is also very secretive and just gives me x to spend each month, if I need more (like for new shoes for the kids) I have to get him to sign off on it. Anyway I had a stroke of luck this week as he had done all his 2017/2018 tax return stuff (which includes pension, mortgage etc info) and I offered to post it for him. Cue me in my car taking a load of photos of the docs on my phone, whatsapping them to my mum and deleting all evidence from my phone. Then I sellotaped it up and sent it. Honestly I felt shaken afterwards!

My plan is to go in January ideally, if I can sort out somewhere to live by then.

Good luck OP.

You need to tackle the financial stuff asap OP. You need to get some control back there, at a minimum.

Obviously there is no point in you being married to him or indeed him being in your children's lives at all. I wonder if your kids think divorce would be such a terrible thing - I spent most of my childhood wishing Mum would leave Dad.

And of course you can stick it out for another 6 years in theory, but, and it's a big bitter but...

Once you check out of your marriage you may find someone else comes along and you start a relationship outside the marriage. If you haven't separated this will turn a relatively simple separation into something much nastier and more bitter, and more full of regrets.

So I would say separate now. You will need to get your hands on some financial information first though as otherwise I suspect he will fleece you. He probably already is.

OP no one is that incompetent no one. The fact he did not bother to feed his kids properly speaks volumes.

Put yourself and them first. Get a damn good lawyer and leave. Set you all free

Good advice Quartz.

OP I’ve told my mum everything and my parents told me they are so fed up with him bullying me and are so sad at the way I am treated. Anyway my mum set up a bank account for me that H doesn’t know about so I can squirrel away a little money (eventually ideally enough for a deposit/first months rent. It’s only got £200 in it now but it’s building up gradually! )

Does anyone have any advice on getting ducks in a row. I’ve got my & kids passports and their birth certificates, NHS records.

I need to see a lawyer.

What else should we be doing?