is my husband depressed, or a selfish fucker

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

50, natural introvert, Good Man, works hard, likes to relax with computer games. Drinks for "stress management".

3 kids, all early/preteens. He spends zero time with them. and, I mean, zero. If I'm not here he doesn't feed them, he might order dominoes, but, that's it. No "have you brushed your teeth?" or "let's go outside" or "how are you getting on with x,y,z" because he has no idea what their x, y, z's are.

We don't share a room because I snore (totally fair). We don't have sex. We don't go out. We have no plans for our future. He won't talk about my work. He does nothing in the house beyond the things he cherry picked for himself, financial stuff and bins etc.

He's a good man, he's loyal, moral, has a work ethic, is very very smart. I pointed out to him that he is not actually in a relationship with any of the people he lives with and that I WANT to be in a relationship. That the kids need him. that this is shit.

Cue sad face, sorrowful "let's have date night" and vague panic that I'll leave him (not misplaced panic).

Says he's depressed. Sees no need to get a diagnosis because it's just work stress.

I think he's just managed to engineer our lives so that he does the bare minimum. I think he's happiest in front of a complex computer game, with a glass of wine and his own company.

Fancy voting? Should I help/coerce/frogmarch him to GP or find my ducks so I can line them up?

He is selfish and has shamelessly manipulated you for his comfort and he has no thought or care for anyone else. Please don't contemplate living separated under the same roof. Been there and it's hell (will suit him fine) The children will understand. Just make sure that you do get true financial disclosure because I imagine he will realise you are getting serious about leaving and he will put his efforts into hiding money and assets. Good luck with a new future

So sorry you are going through this...

I agree with others that getting visibility of the finances is important. If the information is all in the filing cupboard, have you had a look through it? Draw up a dated list of accounts, their numbers / references, the value and the names of the organisations/ companies. Very useful if you ever get as far as financial disclosure for divorce. If he misses out any, you can then ask about them. All the best.

Sally

Your post says it all.

Good luck op.

The good thing about him is that he's so very anal with money that everything that's paper based is in a filing cabinet that I can access. Passports are in a safe that I can't. To be fair, he did tell me the code and he did show me how to open it, but, it's really complicated and I can't recall.

The accounts are all online, though. I think I'll let this die down for a month and then get him to show me the accounts.

I did a zoopla search on how much our house is worth and nearly fell over. I am in a fortunate position, although things are shit, they will be fine, that is a huge gift. Almost worth 16 years of neglect! Between child maintenance and getting a job (currently self employed, it'd be feast or famine) I'll manage fine.

No to letting this all die down for a month, you are procrastinating again and the situation will only recur in a month's time. Strike whilst the iron is hot!. He will never willingly show you any accounts because he is that secretive and controlling about money. Such men never ever share.

You will all manage fine without him dragging you all down.

I hope you make copies of all that is in that filling cabinet sooner rather than in a month's time.

This sounds identical to my life but with much younger children and one with SEN. I've been a single parent/maid/secretary/nanny since my second was born and I just bubbled with resentment until I finally, after a couple of failed attempts, told him we're divorcing for unreasonable behaviour and there was NO going back.

When I wrote my grounds for divorce I was shocked by how much my life had been 'stolen' from me by this hardworking, loving, gentle and kind man. The reality was he was selfish, lazy, controlling, manipulative and misogynistic. And it really took ending things before I could see. I became a shadow of the strong, successful and fun-loving person I was when we met.

I'm now in the process of getting my decree absolute and I simply couldn't be any happier to be away from the vampire that was ex-husband. I think it's harder to see how awful things are when you are living them, and being told by your partner that they're depressed is manipulative - mine used that all the time - to get you to feel sorry for them and carry on doing your gruntwork. Break free and be happy.

Meerkat - to my shame, I have no idea about where to find the finances on his computer. If I ask him now he'll suss that I'm not just threatening (again), am thinking it'll be easier to get the info in a month once he's forgotten about this blip. He's forgotten about all the others, it seems.

Lweji - am buying a scanner. That'll do it.

MissesB - yes. I am kind of shocked, having really thought about how our "relationship" works, to find that what I want has never been accommodated. Not ever. I think of myself as a strong, assertive, capable woman. WTF have I allowed?

It's mad. Totally mad.

You are so right to not want to break your vows. Yet he did that on your honeymoon. You've spent all this time trying to make it work, and you are allowed to stop sacrificing yourself and your family. This isn't good for the kids. It's really shit to have a parent that doesn't give a shit. Better to have one around who does.

I think you have to be savvy now though. Go through those filing cabinets and take lots of photos. Re. the scanner - be careful. Don't let him see it, and don't let him see the software you'll need to install to run it. Better to keep somewhere else and take documents to scan.

You need to keep your cards close to your chest. See a solicitor.

Good luck

He may well have paper copies of the login details in the filing cabinet.

Get reading and understanding what's in the paperwork.

The internet has lots of forums and tutorials about finance. You can learn what you need to learn juat by googling what you don't understand when you read the papers.

Stop with this nonsense about being bad with finances. You are not. He tells you that. It works in his favour to have you believe it. You can definitely learn all about your household finances. FFS you aren't dodgy billionaires with offshore dodgy shell companies and shit. You can work it out.

Found a local photocopy shop, I'll use that instead of the scanner and do it bit by bit.

I feel really conflicted. Am noticing just how little he has done in our marriage, and I have stopped trying to fix it. We have not exchanged a single word since I last posted - not because I am being rude, but because I am not initiating anything. Therefore, there is nothing.

He's stopped drinking, so, that's good.

I find myself day dreaming about having a little place with the kids and how it would work. The bus that takes them to school goes to a town that's cheaper than the city to live in, I reckon that's what to do. I was thinking I'd move home, but, that means taking the kids out of school and they should be able to see their dad any time they want (they have that here and they don't, of course)

You made me chuckle, rabbit. he's many things, but he's not a liar. You are right, I am more than capable with everything else, he's made me believe I can't do this stuff, of course I can.

Throw him off the scent. Ask him about planning a holiday. Get a few brochures. This will reassure him and you will be able to access the filing cabinet.

He actually suggested planning a big blow out holiday. Maybe I'll do that, good idea. That would require me understanding how much cash there is. Top tip, ta.

I wouldn't be basing a move on dc wanting to see him tbh.
He will expect them delivered.
And collected.
If they even want to see him.
Can't see that myself.

Vivarium, just checking in on your thread. Just FYI, I photographed financial docs with my phone, whatsapped them to my mum & deleted them. You could email them to an account & file them under something he’d never look at? Or set up a new email?

Thank you, that's a great idea.

I'm grinding down to leaving. It feels really ugly here just now. Kids largely unaware, but, we are not looking at each other, never mind talking.

He's furious, he feels picked on. Actually, what's going on is that I am pulling him up to account and refusing to let it go. Weekend is looming now...

"kids largely unaware"

As someone who grew up in that kind of household - your kids are aware. And every day, it is fucking them up.

I knew my parents marriage was fucked up from at least the age of 8.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Hisaishi. Did they separate?

I meant the kids are unaware I'm looking to move things along a bit.

I take your point. They totally see that we are not a good example of loving support.

You really don't know what children are aware of or not. Children don't question everything, but tend to notice a lot and very often things we aren't even aware of.

Nope, they're still together, still hate each other.

Hisaishi

Your post really interests me.

I'm now separated from an abusive husband. My kids were really young, aged 3 and under, when i finally threw him out.

I will never speak to stbxh again. He twists everything. But how do I make it best for my kids in amongst this hellish acrimonious split. And will they ever realise what a bad man.their father is?

ohio no idea, sorry.