is my husband depressed, or a selfish fucker

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

50, natural introvert, Good Man, works hard, likes to relax with computer games. Drinks for "stress management".

3 kids, all early/preteens. He spends zero time with them. and, I mean, zero. If I'm not here he doesn't feed them, he might order dominoes, but, that's it. No "have you brushed your teeth?" or "let's go outside" or "how are you getting on with x,y,z" because he has no idea what their x, y, z's are.

We don't share a room because I snore (totally fair). We don't have sex. We don't go out. We have no plans for our future. He won't talk about my work. He does nothing in the house beyond the things he cherry picked for himself, financial stuff and bins etc.

He's a good man, he's loyal, moral, has a work ethic, is very very smart. I pointed out to him that he is not actually in a relationship with any of the people he lives with and that I WANT to be in a relationship. That the kids need him. that this is shit.

Cue sad face, sorrowful "let's have date night" and vague panic that I'll leave him (not misplaced panic).

Says he's depressed. Sees no need to get a diagnosis because it's just work stress.

I think he's just managed to engineer our lives so that he does the bare minimum. I think he's happiest in front of a complex computer game, with a glass of wine and his own company.

Fancy voting? Should I help/coerce/frogmarch him to GP or find my ducks so I can line them up?

Some people are fundamentally unsuited to family life. Unfortunately, some of these people will seek one nevertheless because they want sex/housework/someone to do the shopping/a convenient shield to deflecting family questions of "so when are you going to meet a nice boy/girl and settle down?"

Wow yes.

His behaviour is dreadful. What's the actual point of him being around?

He needs to get a diagnosis or depression ruled out. Whichever way it goes, he can and should still work on being a parent.

You can be depressed and also be a selfish fucker. The two are not mutually exclusive. This.

Line up your ducks and leave

My ex is the same. Using the I pay the bills as his get out clause for doing everything. He's a selfish lazy, controlling, entitled bastard and I am so much happier without him.

There is nothing wrong with quietly starting to get your ducks in a row, while (strongly) encouraging & supporting him to get medical help for his apparent depression. Lay it on the line with him, that you're completely fed up with the situation & feel powerless to improve it except by leaving.

FWIW, I'm in a similar situation to you at the moment - my DH has serious, although very different, MH issues. I've told him the same, & I am getting my ducks in a row too. Hopefully I won't need them... hope you don't either. But it's good to be prepared & feel a bit more in control of your own life.

FWIW, if your DH absolutely refuses to seek help, or acknowledge there is a problem, you know everything you need to know. If you have a problem with the situation, it's a problem. He's not the only one whose feelings matter.

You missed out, ‘someone to go on holiday with’ not the ford, and I agree with your every word!!

My ex is the same. Using the I pay the bills as his get out clause for doing everything

Mine too. In addition he always told me he thought he was on the autism spectrum as his "reason" for being the way he was. When I changed tack from doing the "oh poor you" stuff to suggesting we make a doctor's appointment, suddenly it wasn't serious enough to warrant that....

Ultimatum? Sort yourself out, counselling, treatment for depression, whatever? OR....

This x 100. I did it with my Dh. He had childhood issues that meant he wasn’t always very nice to live with. (Apart from that he was lovely.)
It got to the point that I’d had enough and said he either got help, for his very real trauma, or we would be divorcing.
He sorted out a counsellor and it has changed our lives.

He's not really a husband is he? By any normal definition. He's just a lodger

I wonder what he thinks his family would say about him at his funeral? Does he not realise the impact his behaviour has on everyone?

Thank you folks.

I don't think he's depressed, I'm no psychiatrist, but, he is holding down a very difficult job and excelling at it. He is capable of doing what he wants without hesitation - the stuff that we need just doesn't seem to matter to him.

I do think he's a good man, his family background is very Stiff Upper Lip and "making a fuss" is the worse thing ever. I think he doesn't really know how to relate to teens, if they do what he wants to do with them he's great, but, the rest of the time, he's absent.

It's all come to a head (in my head) because I've been away with work for four days and came back to kids with scurvy. Well, almost.

I'd asked him to do one thing, one small, but, important thing. He "forgot". It's really upset me.

We've been to marriage counselling in the past. He knows he drinks too much, I think he's a functioning alcoholic. He's never "drunk" and difficult, never appears to be hungover and never misses work. But, he can shift a box of wine in a weekend with ease.

I'm lonely. And, tired of trying. It doesn't feel like a substantial enough reason to end the marriage yet. I think he needs to go to speak to the GP about his mood and drinking - he promised in the past and just didn't go.

There's a lot of promises and no action in our entire marriage.

It's very, very boring to live with.

Vetinari - no, that's a good point.

When we met he was VERY attentive. I've learned about love bombing since being on MN. It was a bit like that, "let's go to Paris", and all that stuff. Was lovely.

We got engaged after a year of FUN! And, on our honeymoon I remember thinking "who the fuck is this?". It was as instant as that.

I think he's maybe on the spectrum. He "performed" romance and relationships and once we were married there was no need to perform any more.

To be honest, I feel hoodwinked. He has never stepped up to do emotional work, and as we have three kids there has been plenty of opportunity over the years.

It's not nice, feeling hoodwinked.

atilla Good questions:
"And you and he are still together at all because...

What does he bring to the table here?. What is the point of his existence."

We're still together because we are married. I made vows. I meant them.

He thinks he deserves a free pass because he's not shagging around - I pointed out that he's breaking ALL the other marriage vows and that those matter just as much!

I have been patient. I have been kind and supportive, and nurturing and cajoling and angry and organising and and and and...

and, now he's "depressed"?

Is he fuck.

He's caught, that's all. Caught as a selfish arse.

Nothefordtype

"I'd suggest that it's better for DC to have a completely absent father than one who is physically present but daily demonstrates to them that he doesn't give a flying fuck."

agree

I'd suggest that it's better for DC to have a completely absent father than one who is physically present but daily demonstrates to them that he doesn't give a flying fuck.

So say that to him.

He's a good man because he's got a job and takes the bins out. Oh well could be worse 😕

Ducks 100% sorry op

We got engaged after a year of FUN! And, on our honeymoon I remember thinking "who the fuck is this?". It was as instant as that.

That's terrible :(

I still don't understand what's good about him though. He has a job and doesn't cheat on you seems about it for reasons

Well, he doesn't mean to be a dick. I suppose that's what I mean about him being a good man.

He is well meaning, he's genuinely upset when I point out that he's letting the kids down, that they need him, that he's got parental responsibilities.

I think he genuinely believes that he will do things with us tomorrow - he's not trying to avoid us. But, the consequences of that are really really shit for us.

I think the opposite way, you have to do things today because what if tomorrow doesn't come?

Would you be happier on your own with the children? It's like living with a ghost.

Sounds like you're making excuses for him though. Why is he able to do stuff that his job needs today but not what you and your kids need? He's capable of it but it's not a priority for him by the sounds of it

It's very, very boring to live with. --> This is a substantial enough reason to end a marriage. A life should not be all housework and no joy.

I have been kind and supportive, and nurturing and cajoling and angry and organising and and and and...

You have done enough. |It is up to him to take responsibility and change his behaviour.