On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

What does he drink on the other 4 days pw?

He doesn't drink on the other days. He only drinks on Fri/Sat/Sun. He just adores red wine, and has taken to buying 6 bottles of his favourite on a Friday, and drinking them over the course of the weekend.

The units consumed in this are really high, and he scores high for risking liver damage.

My DD is already losing her DF being around every day. I don't want her to lose someone else she may become attached to, due to health factors killing him!

New bloke is happy to cut back but I still feel scared in case the physical damage is already done.

2 bottles a night is A LOT!

I can drink a bottle in a night (don't often) and I think that is a lot.

Are you really happy to prop up an alcoholic going into your future?

You say your child adores him. But you are putting her in danger of living with alcoholism in the family, not a great way to grow up.

Maybe take some time just for you and your daughter. You don't want to be jumping from the frying pan into the fire!

Wishing you all the best!

Unfortunately his liver function tests may come back reasonably normal, see NHS Choices website "liver function tests can be normal at many stages of liver disease".

If they are, you may struggle to get him to accept that his drinking is harmful - which it is.

I think if he does appear serious about cutting down on his drinking, I would keep him at arm's length for some time (I'm talking at least a year) to see if he can commit to it beyond a short term 'fix' to keep you from ditching him.

I don't think you can be sure he's never driven over the limit, btw, unless he doesn't drive at all at weekends. When I was drinking at his kind of level (admittedly 7 days a week rather than 4) I completely stopped driving for this reason.

Iflyaway - that is what I have told this new man. That I will not expose my DD to excessive drinking. He totally understands and is happy to cut back.

Strangely, I don't think he actually is an alcoholic. Just loves wine!

I think the fact that he has agreed to cut back and has taken it upon himself to make a drs appt speaks volumes.

Has he said why he drinks to excess at weekends? Has he always done so?

You’ve been with him 6 months and you e told him to reduce drinking and sent him
To the GP for tests?! No offence but why don’t you just end the relationship rather than trying to control him?

Tribpot - that's a good point re the driving. He had a bad hangover on Sunday morning and his hands were shaking. I had never seen anything like it. He does have essential tremor anyway, but it seems to be exacerbated the morning after the night before.

All the online tests say not dependent on alcohol but a walking time bomb health wise.

It's such a shame, because I adore this man and could see a future with him.

6 months is way too early to be taking all this crap on. This should be the honeymoon stage!! If it’s not like that 6 months in then what hope have you got 6 or 16 years in....?!

He drinks way too much. It’s clearly something he’s done for a long time and if he changes just for you then chances are when things become tough he’ll take it up again. (From similar experience with an ex with smoking which was a deal breaker for me- severe asthma).

I’d run.

I don’t see the problem. He’s prepared to do what you want him to. He’s retirement age, so health in other areas may arise anyway. I think you’d be crazy to throw what you say you have with him away.

Nj1208 - he hasn't always drunk at this level at the weekend, no. He moved areas and his mates are in London. So he was bored and watches TV or reads with some bottles of wine.

He said that it just crept up, but that he wouldn't be happy for anyone he loves to drink as much as he is.

Capri - I did say I wanted to end it with him. He begged me not to and asked What he could do to change my mind. The GP tests were what I came up with.

I am not trying to control him. I just love him, want him to be well, and don't want DD to get attached to a man who then drops dead!

I think if he’s prepared to cut down and see the gp give him a chance to change then decide if he doesn’t then end it

The difference in responses here echo the conflict in my head. Run VS This man is amazing, give him a chance.

You can keep seeing him as you are and not move in with him.

How old is ds?

Dd

This is what he has sent to me tonight

"And I thought my life had suddenly gone right when I met you. I didn’t just think it, it had.

But I recognise your concerns and worries and have to show that I am capable of living up to your expectations.

I will."

Just so bloody lovely.

Problem is, he lives far away and was meant to be moving up to be near me very soon. Was I too hasty in telling him not to?

I've gone from drinking that many bottles a week to drinking 1 by going dry for a month and then only drinking when going out. Maybe he should go dry for a month to kick the habit and then just drink when you go out? Start doing fun stuff together and filling your free time doing non drinking things.

DD is 8.

It’d be a deal breaker for me. He has an alcohol problem, so is not a good bet as a boyfriend at this time.

Sounds much too soon for DD to “adore” him.

Musti, that's the plan. I think we would always have a bottle at the weekend, but he won't be drinking from boredom any more.

I just don't want to take on someone that I am going to lose very soon if their liver collapses.

See how he deals with the doctor's advice and subsequent medical tests first.

If these do not lead to change, then you have a functioning alcoholic. The "lining up of the bottles" on a Friday evening sounds to me that he has retired to drink. But wait and see if he turns it around for the doctor or for you.

You will know of course that if he says 4-6 bottles it is probably 6-8.

He has enjoyed drinking alcohol and is now prepared not to. That is not an alcohol problem.

He sounds like he is genuinely taking on board your concerns so give him a chance. People drink to excess for many reasons and he should probably cut down gradually as he will have a degree of dependance.

No, you didn’t make the wrong decision - only 6 months in, you still live with your ex, your DD etc would be reasons enough to wait even if he didn’t have this problem.

“Living up to your expectations” seems a bit manipulative. Not accepting that he has been drinking way too much and that it is a problem.

Not working - and having money - can make it easier to mask a drink problem or seem “functional”. I have several family members who always drank pretty heavily but whose drinking escalated after (early) retirement. One often only drank on weekends, it was one of his rules to seek to show himself/others that he didn’t have a problem.