On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

Well done Op.....absolutely the right decision. You will cope fine with your dd. My prediction is you will thrive once single and recovered from the marriage.

but you are very wrong about Yorkshire Tea, it is definitely the best

LifeBegins - thank you. I hope we do thrive. I finally feel ready to face the split emotionally. Without distractions.

And with lots of Tetleys!

Stick to your guns OP. I doubt he’s going to take the news that you’ve ended it very well. I predict much sobbing and pleading and promising to change so you’ll need to be strong. Good luck. I think you’re doing the right thing.

Thanks Wobble. If he doesn't respect my decision, then I will just block him. I have no interest in guilt trips from him. It will just reinforce my decision.

He's said he will cut back though? At least wait and see if he does before ditching him.

Tbh, I can drink a bottle and not feel at all drunk though so can see how he easily gets to that many if he has a tolerance like me.

Sorry, I see this has been updated - I really should check the date on threads more

The drinking is a problem .What happens if there is a crisis and he starts drinking more.I can drink wine very quickly but one bottle a month is more than enough .
He has the shakes the morning after which is a very bad sign .He needs to prove to you that he can do without it .

He wasn’t able to cut back for his own children and marriage, loosing that hasn’t changed his behaviour. He is not going to do it for you. His charm is fake - that’s how he got on in business. He has done irreversible damage to his health even if he quit today - assuming he has been a heavy drinker for nearly 50 years?

Thanks everyone. I have ended the relationship. It's just too much at the moment.

I am really sad about it, but also relieved and happy to have 100% focus on my daughter now.

Just to point out that your DD doesn't need to be ready for someone new for you to date. If you're ready to start dating in 6 months time, you can. If DD is at her dad's EOW/frequently then you can date then (If you want to). Lots of people wait a year or longer before introducing DC to a new partner.

I'm not encouraging you to start dating just pointing out it doesn't have to have much to do with DD at all. Some people date for years keeping their kids life separate if they're not looking for a step-parent dynamic and it can work just fine.

That's true @Mousey765.

I don't feel ready to date. I know now that I was trying to avoid dealing with my marriage ending, and was scared of the fact that, for the first time in my life, I won't have another adult living with me.

I have always moved too quickly with relationships. Probably to avoid being alone. I don't actually know how to date slowly! Doesn't seeing someone just once a week make them lose interest?

I'm not sure who was a 'lift raft' for who?

You also seem to have come with difficulties yourself and sound a tad unhinged, latching onto his one defect. It reads like your DD is NOT you concern at all you protest too much. I hope I am wrong. But 6 months? Really? Poor child. Of course she doesn't 'adore him', she doesn't know him.

Another thing... the man owes you nothing. He likes to drink wine at weekends, this is your concern? Lack of work (you), divorce, 8 year old, 20 year old age gap... I would be more concerned about all of that. Then post about alcohol concerns.

FAR TO PREVIOUS!

too previous

I'm so glad you have finished it. Keep up your resolve and block if necessary. Don't hesitate to ignore if he drives down to you.

Even if he stops drinking, I have no doubt there is a void there that would be filled with something else dysfunctional.

You could lose the most fun parts of your daughter's childhood to this man's problems, and when she leaves home you will be stuck nursing an old man who has sucked you dry emotionally and financially.

Stay strong and well done

@WendyCope - you know there are ways to say things without sounding like a nasty person? Unfortunately, your tone overrides any semblance of a point you might make.

@Yeahmum - thank you. I appreciate your advice and intend to take it

Well done op. I think you have absolutely done the right thing.

Doesn't seeing someone just once a week make them lose interest?
I think you might have hit the underlying cause of your insecurity with this question, Tetleys. If you're dating someone you really like, would you lose interest if you saw them once a week? I'm sure you wouldn't. But I think you feel you aren't worthy of love (and you definitely are).

Feels like a period of time on your own would be invaluable, both for you and your DD. And then take things very slowly.

Thank you both. I really appreciate the kindness. I will think hard about what you have said @Tribpot

New development:

New bloke has messaged me and said we can go as slow as I like, and that he will give up the booze for a period of time to show that he can. I am still reluctant because I feel mentally drained, but I don't know if I am being unfair?

Should I give him a chance?

No. If he drinks to that level at the weekend, do you really think he doesn't drink at all during the week? He won't be able to stop and you won't know any different because you aren't there and he knows this. Sorry but I wouldn't be taking all that on after only 6 months and going through a divorce yourself. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of a relationship, this is all too much work imo.

Lazy - that is what my gut instinct is telling me too. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. Thank you.

Tetleys Please don’t! I have been reading your story and been wanting to comment. I was in a very similar situation to you when my marriage broke up 5 years ago. Met this new guy within 6 months of the split (I was obviously very vulnerable but couldn’t see it then), we got on amazingly well, he was perfect for me on paper. I thought he was my happily ever after... I ignored all the red warning flashing lights about his drinking.

He could hold his alcohol very well to a certain extent so it took me a while to clock the amount he was drinking... all our dates revolved around where he could have a drink... but he masked it by saying it was a nice to have with dinner. So was the whiskey after that... my non-drinking become a problem... why don’t you have a drink? When it became a REAL problem, he started putting in rules about his drinking. Oh look, I don’t have to have a drink (he would stop for a week before resuming). I don’t drink in the morning... I don’t have to drink, I just like the taste of it.

What was something I should have ended after 6 months dragged into an 18-month nightmare. He was emotionally manipulative. I stupidly let him move in and had a bloody hard time kicking him out. I was completely exhausted when it all ended. I look back now and can’t believe how stupid I was...

He still tries to contact me 3 years on and I absolutely refused to talk to that manipulative shit of a man. Funnily enough his ex and I stayed friends and he is still (unsurprisingly) a functioning alcoholic. If you met him today, you will think what an amazing, sensitive, creative and thoughtful man he is. But there is also the side of him that is addicted to alcohol, is emotionally manipulative, have nothing to show for what was an amazing career at over 50 years of age (his money all went on booze and drugs, the drugs luckily was only in his early years) and he is, and will be, living hand-to-mouth. He put me off dating for years! You don’t want that, for yourself or your daughter. Stay strong!

He'll be all chat and no action
Stay strong
His begging and grovelling will hopefully turn you off him

P.S. I have a lovely life now with my two boys and luckily they do not really remember him and he was never abusive towards them. They were 5 and 7 then. I look back and shuddered at what I almost got us into... but the good thing is I have learned a lot from that experience. And never again would I put me or my boys through anything like that again.

Better to be single and get yourself sorted in your new phase.