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Original poster

On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

165 replies

TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 19:24

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:00

@IAmNotLikeThem - yes, I agree with the mimimising the amount he is drinking. I think it will be more.

I think it's a good idea to wait and see what the GP says. I have told him I will travel down and go with him if he wants.

It feels heartbreaking that I have met a man who is everything I ever wanted, is an amazing dad to his own kids, has been wonderful with my DD when he has met her. Is just everything I ever dreamed of. But I am so scared of me and DD losing him to alcohol related illness.

To give him credit, he is horrified now he has calculated his unit intake, and doesn't want to risk his health further.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:03

Loopy, I agree with the whole rule thing to prove control. That's what I said to him. He only drinks at the weekend and never before 8. To me, I don't understand why you need rules like that if alcohol isn't an issue.

He says its because he has some standards and doesn't want to be a lush.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/11/2018 20:04

Liver isn’t the only health risk - my family members died after a stroke and heart attack respectively. Early 60s. May have happened anyway, of course, even had their lifestyles had been different.

Him dying isn’t even the main risk - the main risk is detriment to you and DD from becoming emotionally involved with someone with an alcohol problem.

Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 20:05

Honestly? I would run a mile.
I doubt he’s sober all week.
If he’s driving the day after drinking a couple of bottles of wine then he’s putting more than his health at risk.
He likes wine? So do I. A glass or two. He’s minimising this.
The tremors? Drink related?
He has an alcohol problem.

simplepimple · 05/11/2018 20:05

Do you really know he's not drinking on weekdays and that this is a permanent state not a temporary embargo to keep you happy? How did his previous relationships end?

6 months in is too early to say how much of a problem he may or may not have with drinking - some committed alcoholics are extremely charming when you first meet them. There is no need to decide now or even dictate what you want him to do - keep him fairly separate from your DD for now and watch and wait. The truth will emerge in time.

Loopytiles · 05/11/2018 20:06

That is word for word what my family member said. Self delusion. Sad

He isn’t everything you ever wanted, because presumably you want someone who doesn’t have an alcohol problem. It’s his problem to sort out (or not).

Seren96 · 05/11/2018 20:07

So you're emotionally blackmailing this bloke and telling him not to move unless he does what you've asked of him. I'd contemplate ditching you tbh. He's a fully grown man, he'll sort his issues in his own time. I think this post sounds a bit worrying. If you have doubts because of his lifestyle that's fine but you can't try and change someone least of all early On .

simplepimple · 05/11/2018 20:08

Have a look at the Al-anon page online to give you more info on how to work out if you consider someone might be an alcoholic.

Please don't start enabling him already by going to the doctors with him to ensure that he goes. Leave him the space to do it himself because if he doesn't - or if he makes excuses to put it off - well then there's your answer.

EmeraldVillage · 05/11/2018 20:10

If he is having a 2 bottles of wine starting at 8pm then that is 20 units. So in all likelihood he will be over he drink drive limit until lunchtime the next day. So I really doubt he he has never driven over the limit.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:11

Seren - I agree, which is why I said none of this at first and just told him we needed to end things. He begged to know why and what he could do to get me to reconsider. So I was honest and told him. I didnt expect him to take me up on it!

Re the moving, he would be moving to be near me and DD. Should I have said "yes, come on up" knowing that I was going to end things? Hardly seems fair to him.

OP posts:
thinkingcapon · 05/11/2018 20:16

Are you retired or close to retirement op? I'm assuming not if your dd is only 8?x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2018 20:17

I think you need to put both yourself and your daughter first now because she is and has been through more than enough already. You are also still not divorced from your h and are in a relationship like this. She does not need you as her mother to have a boyfriend with a drink problem and nor do you.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:17

No, I am younger than him by 20 years. That hasnt been an issue TBH though. His packaging is just a bit wrinklier than mine Grin

OP posts:
Seren96 · 05/11/2018 20:19

It's the ultimatum that worried me. You can't force someone to change and ultimatums are rarely supportive, it sounds quite controlling and will end in disaster. Relationships have to be based on a mutual grounding. I agree if you have concerns to be worried but I think you should have just ended it and not offered an ultimatum. As an adult it has to be a choice and decision made by himself to work out.

yousimplyhavetobethesedays · 05/11/2018 20:19

But it's six months of a new relationship, maybe he is enjoying the newness and is over indulging and didn't think it was a problem till it was pointed out? I know when I met my partner we were still having sex every night at 6 months, that was not indicative of the rest of the relationship!!! He has said he will sort it out, give him a chance!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2018 20:19

He is looking for a crutch and for someone to look after and otherwise enable him.

Fairylea · 05/11/2018 20:20

I think the age difference might not matter now but it will in time, especially if he isn’t looking after his health now.

I think for your dds sake you need to dump him, sorry.

Loopytiles · 05/11/2018 20:22

You’re glossing over the age gap too.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:22

Attila - that's what my gut instinct says too. It is so very hard because I have utterly fallen for him, but I can't risk exposing her to someone who has a problem with alcohol. Its deciding whether he does have a problem, or if he is just bored and has been drinking a lot? He sounds as if he has always drunk a lot, but without being an alcoholic. He didn't drink much when his kids were young, never drank around them, but then they grew up and he did drink more.

Thinking about it now, his ex used to complain about him drinking a lot, as she was tee total. So it sounds as if it has been a concern for others in the past too.

OP posts:
TresDesolee · 05/11/2018 20:23

I think you’ve handled this very well OP. As others have said though, now comes the hard part - you have to sit there and wait to see whether he does what you need him to do. A case of sitting down and thinking about what your boundaries will be (not having to nag him to get the tests done is just the start of it) and then sticking to your boundaries if his behaviour starts to wander outside them. You can’t control a single thing about what he does, you can only control your own responses.

BlueJava · 05/11/2018 20:24

It sounds like you should give him a chance to cut back and live a healthier lifestyle - not being funny but could he take up drinking something else (e.g. tea - google "T2") or maybe he just needs to do something else that's interesting apart from drink.

However, if I was in your situation I wouldn't stay with him unless he cut out the majority of that and had a glass or so- but then I don't drink at all so perhaps I'm wrong.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2018 20:26

Precisely. You cannot ignore previous concerns made here.

I feel you need to have some time and space on your own to reset your own boundaries as your soon to be ex DH may have messed with those as well. This new man seems also to be messing further with your already weaker boundaries and what you are describing here with him is very close to enabling behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2018 20:28

You may well love him but are you really confusing love with codependency here. After all codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:29

Seren - I didnt say "do this or else", I ended it. He asked what he would have to do to make me reconsider. I told him. How is that an ultimatum?

You are all right. He is minimising his drinking.

Strangley, he keeps saying to me that he wants to be a part of my family. As if he is trying to recapture the family life he had when his girls were small (he and his first wife divorced when the kids were about my DDs age).

What the heck is that about?

Re the age gap, I am not glossing over it, it just hasn't been an issue until I think about the years of hammering his liver has taken, and the physical effects of that, which I don't want to expose DD to. Other than that, the age gap has been a total non issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 20:35

@AttilaTheMeerkat - I have heard about codependency but am not sure what it is?

I don't want to do anything which will hurt my DD. I know that in every other way bar alcohol, he would bring so much to her life. I would never have got involved with him otherwise.

He wasn't looking for a woman with kids. And was gobsmacked when I did give him the time of day. But now he has met me, its as if he wants the sense of belonging to a family again. Explaining it badly, sorry.

In what way do my boundaries seem off? I am really interested to know so that I can work on them.

OP posts: