On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

Stick by what you said.

You need to meet someone so perfect for you that neither of you need to change.

I think being on your own for a while will make you so much stronger. It was only after I’d been on my own for a while that I met now dh and I was so contented with my life generally and myself that I was more relaxed about the whole relationship because I wasn’t scared of being alone anymore. The relationship was a bonus. Not something I wanted to cling on to regardless of issues etc.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 - Goodness our situations seem similar! There is no way I would let him move in, but the problem is that unless with him 24/7, I can never know what the drink situation truly is. But then I don't want him to move in and then me find out that it is as bad as I fear.

What you have said about having little to show for a great career really hits home. As does the drinking with a meal and then a whisky after etc. I would just be constantly wary.

@thinkingcapon and @Loopy - I agree with you both. I just don't feel I can trust him.

I forgot another MASSIVE red flag. He told me the other day that he is terrible at admitting he is wrong. He said he lies, turns it back on the other person, and makes them feel as if they are going mad!

I thought he was joking, but he actually has done that twice to me now. I have called him out on it each time, but it feels like "many a true word is said in jest".

This is like a red flag convention isn't it?

My mum is a red wine drinker. She could easily put away 4-6 bottles from a Friday to a Monday. To an outsider she looked like a weekend drinker only (including to the rehab centre she worked at )

In reality it was 1-2 bottles a night. Then night became evening. Then evening became afternoon. Then afternoon became morning.

This relationship sounds like the ideal scenario for creating codependencies. Split from your husband and be alone for a bit before moving on.

Tetley Don’t be fooled by the idea/thought that you should be enough for him. And that when he is with you, he shouldn’t feel the need to drink. Because you will NEVER be enough for him as his primary relationship is with alcohol. It’s hard to admit that but trust me, you don’t want to feel like you are the BAD one because you have to monitor his drinking. It is NOT your job/responsibility. You will end up at the end of this relationship crushed and questioning your own judgement...

@Fairylea - I agree with you. I just want to feel peaceful. I can't even remember what that feels like anymore. And I want to be happy alone. I cannot continue this relationship.

@AnotherOriginalUsername - I am so sorry about your mum. It sounds very hard to deal with. Especially if it creeps up slowly.

I do plan to be on my own. I looked up co-dependency and it was like reading about myself. It is absolutely not who I want to be. Not at all.

Even now, I cannot parent how I want to because I have this occupying my thoughts. That isn't what I want. So it needs to be over.

Thanks so much everyone

@TwoBoysTooMany76 - Exactly! I already have one child. I don't want another. I don't want to live my life checking for bottles. I want a partner in the future, not a dependent.

I shall be ending things.

I’m glad you’re ending things.

You and DD would have ended up this man’s carer.

I have a lovely friend who is 24 and is trying for a baby with her boyfriend. He is a nice enough guy but...he has a myriad of health issues. He is ten years older than her and already can’t work due to degeneration of his spine. He spends half his life sleeping because of the painkillers.

It’s awful for him but her mother is climbing the walls about why she’s saddling herself with these issues, and I can’t say I blame her.

After your latest update, absolutely don't carry this on...crikey!

Often quoted on here: “when someone tells you who he is, listen”.

He told you explicitly he was manipulative and gaslighted people! Did it to you a couple of times, and kind of did it about his drinking too, making out that he was willing to reduce his drinking because you wanted him to / to prove something to you.

There is a good thread somewhere on here with posters who have recently (or not so recently) started living without their exes, lots of positive stories and ideas.

Oh my fucking god, I have so done the right thing.

I ended it, explained I needed to give 100% to my daughter, and that he was a very special bloke.

His reply "well I don't feel very special, but that's my cross to bear".

Yeah....and it's a laugh a minute for me too, obviously! The level of self pity has left me furious....and certain I have made the right call (thanks to you lovely lot)

I shall look for that thread @Loopytiles. Thanks.

@There GoesTheAlarm and @loveyoutothemoon - thanks. I do now feel I have dodged a bullet!

Tetley Stay strong. It is so tempting to see this guy as your happily ever after but he really is not. I wished I did what I should have done at the 6-month point (where you are at now, funny that!) rather than waste another year of my life battling with this man. He told me he adored me and will never love someone as much as he loved me. Funny that I definitely felt second best compared to alcohol throughout and not the love of his life! With me, he could have had such a good life, I never understood why he could choose to give all that up for drinking himself to death eventually but hey, you can’t reason with addiction. I know that now, be glad you have found this out now and not years on.

There’s a thread on now about a woman who wished she had walked away from her husband and his alcohol addiction years ago. You just cannot win this battle.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 - thank you. It is over

No doubt he will try and manipulate you and use the breakup as an excuse to drink even more (or the same as he always was but not hiding it anymore) and try and guilt trip you. Better off blocking his number. He'll need you to take him back to "save" him, he'll promise never to drink again etc. Stay strong

@Lazypoolday - I agree with you completely. Well if he wants saving, he can find religion. Because I am not up for it!