On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

You've hurtled into a relationship and it's so obvious that you've chosen badly. The age difference is huge - it's nothing to do with having more wrinkles - that's the least of your problems! The drinking is a massive problem, too. You have known him for six months. You will have things in your freezer which were there before you knew him. You are assuming a knowledge of him that just isn't there. It's a new relationship.

Are you someone who can't stand to be alone?

I don't understand the posters saying that things are moving too quick. There's no right or wrong in terms of speed. Some people drag relationships out forever that go nowhere or end in divorce. Sometimes you know quickly that you like someone and should strike whilst the iron is hot - what you've come up against is the first thing about him that you don't like. How you manage this is crucial to how things process. Is the drinking a deal breaker to you? Does he understand this? Will he try to stop?

I think I want to break it off with him. It isn't fair to my DD or me.

It is all too fast for me too, as well as her. I have told him this in the past, and he says that he will slow down if I want. But then says something to make me feel sorry for him being on his own.

I know he feels I "saved" him from a really bad rut he had got himself into. And I don't want him to go back to that. But I also know it isn't my problem.

However, because I care for him, I do worry that he will just despair and give up. That's where he was at when I met him.

How do I detach from worrying about him in that way?

Red flag that he is giving the “you have saved me” impression. Also, if he is now needy and drinking huge amounts AFTER his reported “rut”, what was he like while IN the rut?!

“There's no right or wrong in terms of speed”: strongly disagree with that when OP is still living with her ex and there are DC involved.

@Loopytiles Jeez, that is a good point in terms of how much he was drinking before.

I used to be fab at spotting red flags for other people. Now, it seems I am.overlooking more than a Labour Party convention in my own life!

DD does seem very confused re everything now bloke has gone back home. I think I have REALLY fucked up because she seemed fine. Now, she is being horrible to her dad.

I have remembered another MAJOR red flag that I had forgotten about.

He has burned through lots of his savings in the past few years, and has cocked up how much he will get in terms of a lump sum from his pension.

He said he was so used to being a high earner, that it just hasn't crossed his radar.

I have told him that I am not a high earner, and cannot afford to keep him in wine!

This guy just wants a new family where he can feel rescued, doesnt he?

Why do you have your DD as your main focus here in whether or not to carry on seeing him? Just seems a bit off to me in a way I can’t quite put my finger on.

Why are you not your main focus given this relationship is primarily (presumably) about meeting your needs?

At 6 months in most people are just starting to think about introducing a new partner to their child, not extrapolating about the child being devastated about losing him. Seems misplaced.

It sounds like you have worked it out perfectly OP - well done for thinking it all through and trusting in your gut feeling.

Perhaps its time to focus just on you and your DD - which might be scary if all your life you've put everybody else first. This is a normal way of being for people who choose to become nurses.

Have a look at the freedom programme to help you be very aware of red flags and there's no need to end it with him but it will be interesting to watch his response when you are no longer sailing his lifeboat.

And of course Tetleys beats Yorkshire tea hands down!

Burned through his savings.....drank them away? Be careful OP, take your time.

I think its because with splitting with her dad, my DDs needs are my primary concern.

I know I can cope with a split, so it almost isn't about me in some ways. I suppose I also feel guilt for her meeting him if it isn't going to come to anything. I should have waited much longer.

New bloke meets my needs in terms of intelligence, kindness, sexually, shared interests.

But doesn't in terms of drinking, attitude to looking after himself. Also not in terms of financial planning.

Those are big things for me.

@Hollowtalk - brilliant comment re my freezer And very true.

I haven't been someone who has been scared to be alone in the past. But now I have health issues, the idea of being alone is scary in terms of looking after DD effectively. I know I can manage, and will do.again, it is just daunting too!

You can do it.

You have got through tough times, and have been working hard to get things in place to move to the next phase of your life, living apart from your ex, and with DD. Hopefully lots of good times ahead!

He is not your responsibility, OP. He’s a grown man and can take responsibility for himself. There is help for people with alcohol problems which he can take if he really wants to.
It’s unreasonable of him to expect you to save him. It’s emotional blackmail and is making you put him before your dd.
Your dd will be upset at her dad moving out. I don’t think she really cares about a stranger who’s suddenly come into her life. I think she’s putting on a brave face for you at a time when she shouldn’t have to.

It must be a nice feeling being in love after your marriage breakdown but I think that you are somewhat blinded by love to the point you can’t think straight.

You could tell him things are moving too fast and you want a break from him.
If he then responds with sobbing or doesn’t listen, cut him off for good as he’s putting himself and his needs before yours and your daughter’s.

Also, you’ll probably end up in debt if you stay with him.

Loopy - thank you. That means a lot

Egg - I agree with lots of that. I am not impressed with his "poor me" spiel. I know he doesn't want to lose me. But I can't be a life raft to him. I could quite use my own life raft at the moment!

Debt is an absolute no no to me. I can't work due to a disability so my income on benefits is ok but finite. I have no interest in running up debt.

If your DD was your primary concern you wouldn’t even be thinking about bringing a new stepfather into her life right now.

You haven't even properly split from her father yet, you are not allowing her to process the divorce!

Polka - I am not giving her a new stepdad. DD thinks he is my friend!

But I do take the point of her needing time to process everything. And intend to give her that.

If she thinks he’s just a friend, how come DD does seem very confused re everything now bloke has gone back home. I think I have REALLY fucked up because she seemed fine. Now, she is being horrible to her dad

Because I think he has given her insight into how not all men are like her dad.

How old is your DD?

She is 8.

I have decided to end the relationship. I want to give DD time to adjust, and don't want the concerns re alcohol, financial irresponsibility, and being seen as a "saviour". It is all too much.

I think that’s for the best. It took my DD a couple of years to feel much better after our divorce, and I’d still be v cautious about introducing anyone new.

Also, 20 years age difference doesn’t seem that much now, but in 20 years it will. This is not someone to grow old with.

I am bloody relieved op that you have decided to end it.

This guy is showing all the signs of trying to disguise a massive drink problem. He won't be able cut down, he is probably physically dependent. If you stay in a relationship with him you will be bring a whole world of misery of yourself and dd.

Thank you all.

I have sent him a message ending it. It feels too much to do it over the phone. I wouldn't be able to explain as well as I can if I write it. Plus, hearing his voice would make my resolve crack.

I have told him it is too soon for DD, and even for me. We need to get used to being on our own. And that the concerns re his drinking, finances etc are too much for me at the moment. I can't be a life raft for him.

I hope he takes it well. And that he gets the help he needs.

Thanks for the support and advice. Even if some was harsh, it was what I needed to hear. So thanks all

Well done OP. It will give you and dd the time you both need.
If he really wants to be with you he will resolve to sort himself out good and proper but that will take time too. There are plenty other nice guys out there for when the time is right.

@eggncress - I hope so! But at the minute, I just don't have the mental or emotional resources to date. And even if I did, I don't think DD is ready for that.

She has been fine about the split so far. DH and I have handled it well with her, there has been no blame, no acrimony. She was upset initially, but that only lasted a few days.

When DH moves out, however, I imagine it will feel more real and she may well feel more upset.

She doesn't need a heavy drinker in her life. Whether he drank around her or not. And nor do I. There are better things to spend money on. And I would even resent the financial aspects of it.

Anyway, it is done.

Thanks for telling me what I needed to hear rather than wanted to hear.