On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

He wants to repeat the past with you people this time around. Your dad in particular needs a better male role model than someone with a drink problem. I still do not think you know the full extent of his drink problem and he is not going to tell you fully. I would also think he is badly underestimating how much he is actually consuming.

Tetleys I was in a similar position although no children. The lovely man I met and fell in love with hid his alcoholism, neat vodka, very well in the beginning. He moved in and for someone who sporadically drank a bottle of wine over 4 days it was a nightmare.

My niece adored him and he adored her. I did give him an ultimatum. If he didn't stop drinking I wouldn't allow him to be around her and we would split up.

He agreed to go to AA and then we devised a reduction programme. He has now been sober for 3 1/2 years.

It brought tears to his eyes when a few years ago she said "D, can I call you Uncle?"

She is now our niece and he's still lovely.

To be honest, I think he's minimising and you're a bit hysterical. Yes he drinks too much at thr weekend, sometimes a bottle a night, sometimes two, but all this he's gong to keel over dead is a bit much. You're a nurse. You should know better.

So it sounds like he is a very long standing heavy drinker.

HE has told you that he never drank around his DC (more rules......): he may well be lying (to you and himself). Interesting that his ex had concerns about his drinking: she may even be teetotal partly because of it!

Adult DC are negatively affected by a parent’s problem drinking - including when the problem is not explicitly discussed within the family.

I do think you’re minimising the age gap: even if his lifestyle was amazingly clean living and he was in amazing shape it would be a big risk to choose a relationship with someone 20 years older when you have such a young DC.

You've only known him 6 months, slow down!

He can stay where he lives now for a while, cut down on his drinking and visit to get to know your family slowly before either of you make the commitment of him moving up to be with you.

I think your boundaries are off kilter also because you are not yet divorced fully from your husband and yet have had a six month relationship with this new man who has alcohol issues. You need time and space on your own to reset your own boundaries here and the last thing you need currently is yet more complications in the shape of this man.

It’s hard to understand how he can be so amazing, the man of your dreams etc, yet being a heavy drinker is a huge, important part of his life and you hate it. That’s who he is! That’s who this amazing man of your dreams is! I agree your boundaries seem off, or maybe it’s co dependancy but your attitude is really unusual

I'd be more concerned by a 20 year age gap than the wine.

Your husband hasn't even moved out yet. Wouldn't it be a good idea to show DD you do not need a man around all the time?
I'm not saying end it, but him staying further away and not being there all the time for a while longer would probably be a good thing. DD doesn't need to be getting attached to someone so soon. She hasn't known for the last six months that her dad would be leaving.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I've been guilty of over drinking at certain times but it didn't make me alcohol dependent or an alcoholic.

a pal of mine (a sober alcoholic) said that 'normal people' without drink problems don't even think about rules/limits etc. or talk about who/how/when they do or don't drink.
They tend not to do sober october or whatever because drink is not such an integral part of their lives.
They barely think about it, they are happy to drive on a night out.
They don't make a big deal of having a clear day the next day /not driving the next morning because drink is not that important to them.

How is the sex with that amount of alcohol?

My advice would be to call it a day with the new guy and give yourself a year or so off from dating. Spend some time getting to know yourself again and let yourself heal from your divorce.

Living with a heavy drinker is no fun at all, I've been there. And it'll only get worse.

I agree with all your points, except it isn't hysterical to worry about someone suddenly dying from alcohol related illness. Watching someone die from a sudden intestinal bleed isn't nice. Its precisely because I am a nurse that I feel that way @Bluntness

My marriage has been over for a fair while, but I agree that I need to focus on DD. Which is why I initially ended it with him. Too much to bring issues like this into her life so soon after splitting, especially with ex still being here.

On some level, I think I am terrified that I can't be a good enough parent to her on my own. I have a health condition I struggle with, and being alone feels scary.

Never admitted that before.

Your ex should still be helping you parent DD, do you think he will?

I think it's ridiculous to feel so attached to someone you've been dating for 6 months. And as for your DD and family ... are you sure you aren't picking up more than polite interest from them?

"Your attitude is really unusual" - that's what I was trying to say.

This all sounds extremely intense and dramatic. Alcohol aside, I don't think that's a good basis for a healthy relationship.

Troysmammy - that sounds like a really positive outcome, but I don't want to put DD through all that. Or myself. I am bloody tired. She and I both need a settled life. I don't have the energy to support him in that way. That sounds selfish, but I need my energy for DD.

Sorry about your health condition and fears. Will your health condition affect your ability to parent day to day, or is that an irrational fear?

When do you and your ex plan to live separately? Have you sorted out finances and how much time DD will spend with each of you each week? These seem to be the kinds of things to sort out before dating.

Agree with PPs that your “boundaries” seem off. You seem to have pinned hopes onto him being your “dream man”, at an early stage, when there are numerous factors - even setting aside than his alcohol problem - that merit at least a big pause.

RebeccaWD - that is pretty much exactly what I said to him. That I found even needing to have the conversation a bit worrying, its just not something that is on my radar, because I can take or leave alcohol.

It does sound weird to have fallen for someone after 6 months. But it happens and I have.

I know exH will support me parenting my DD, and so will my extended family and friends. Its just scary.

In some ways, I think I have focused on new bloke because reality has been too painful to focus on. Displacement almost.

I just feel bone shatteringly tired and emotionally wrung out.

PS to whoever asked, the sex was amazing so no issues there! But I am too exhausted to even worry about that at the moment. There is too much other stuff going on.

Capri and A580 - I am totally willing to take on board that my attitude seems unusual. Can you please explain how? I am not disagreeing, I just cant change it because I am not sure exactly what you mean?

You just sound desperate, wanting a replacement father figure for DD when your Ex moves out.

Show her how you can be independent and liberated.

I think you've diagnosed yourself there OP you're focusing on your shiny new relationship to avoid thinking about the other stuff.

I'd advise you to slow it right down. Your DD needs you , not some ersatz DF figure who probably drinks too much. Can't you just continue with the relationship as it is - tell him not to move for now and see how you feel in 6 months time.

Loopy - finances and contact is all sorted, no issues there. Only reason ex hasn't moved out yet is because most of my support network are away on holiday, so we were waiting until they are back before he moves out.

We have plans in place as to how we will parent DD and are totally on the same wavelength. I think I am just having "the fear". I know I can do this really, I have to!

I think that so many other things were great with this man, that I didn't want the drinking to be an issue. But in my heart, I have known for a couple of weeks that it is an issue for me, at the very least.

I feel as if in some ways, he is looking for someone to save him. He keeps saying I have given him purpose again. But then it makes me feel responsible for his wellbeing,when I am not. I feel guilty for ending it. And part of me just worries I am making the wrong choice and letting a great man slip away. But, if he drinks to that degree, he isn't great for me.