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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my knees here, what do I do? Alcohol issues. Long, sorry!

165 replies

TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 19:24

Life has been spectacularly shit the past few months.

Am in the process of getting divorced from DH and he is moving out soon. DD has dealt with this brilliantly.

Approx 6 months ago, I met the most amazing man via OLD. Being with him felt like coming home. We match each other in so many ways.

DD has met him as my friend on a couple of occasions, and absolutely adores him.

New bloke lives a fair way away, and is retired, so has rented an apartment via airbnb on several occasions, and been to stay up here for weeks at a time.

He has met my STBXH who really likes him, my mum and her partner. All think he is lovely.

I have utterly fallen for this man and the feeling is mutual. I have been down to stay with him, his grown up daughters know about me. All good.

BUT, new bloke drinks a LOT of wine at the weekend. Between 4 and 6 bottles across 3 nights.

I am an ex nurse so am obviously worried. He currently doesn't show signs of dependence, and is an affable bloke even when he has drunk a lot, but I am seriously worried about his health.

I have told him today that I don't want him to move to be closer to me at the moment, until he has seen his GP and had liver function tests etc. He is in serious danger of having major health issues due to alcohol.

Bloke has agreed that he has been drinking too much, is happy to cut back, and has made a Drs appt to get himself checked.

So.....do I ditch him, as I don't want to expose DD to losing someone she already adores through alcohol. Or give him a chance?

He would never drink much around DD, has never driven over the limit or anything like that, it is purely excessive weekend drinking.

With all that is going on, I can't think straight. I know I love him very much, but my DD comes first.

WWYD?

Ps sorry for length!

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 21:33

Housework - thanks for that! Brutal but true. I feel a right dickhead now! Grin

OP posts:
Fairylea · 05/11/2018 21:34

When my now ex dh left me I had a 6 month relationship with someone. I was literally head over heels, all kinds of madness and thought that was it we were going to run off into the hills together and live happily ever after. Hmm

It ended for similar reasons to your post and I was actually devastated. I think I was actually mourning the end of the marriage to my now ex dh and putting a plaster over it with the new guy - even though I did want to end my marriage (he had cheated on me with an ex). I think I had very rose tinted glasses as my marriage had been stale for a long time and suddenly experiencing that “in love” feeling was amazing - but it’s just that, a short period of lust and madness really that makes you desperately want to be with someone, often even when they are less than perfect.

A year later after that guy I met my now dh and we are so happy, he is everything I could ever want and a perfect step dad to teen dd and we have a young son together.

And you know what, sometimes I see “that guy” around town and I think what the hell was I thinking?! I’m so embarrassed I ever felt that way about him! I cringe whenever I see him.

Just because you feel this way now doesn’t mean it’s right. The “in love” thing is the closest thing to madness many of us will ever get.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 21:34

Rookie - I think that's the best thing. Either that or ending it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 21:39

Fairylea - that is so true. It makes me feel drugged and I want a clear head.

I think I really need to just feel settled and calm. For DD as well as me.

I am frightened that if I pass this man up, and he did get a grip on his drinking, then I have passed up someone who was fabulous for me. I am not scared of never meeting anyone else, but I am scared of passing up the chance to be with someone who felt like "my person" if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 21:41

But yes, Fairylea, you are right. Its easier to focus on the new than mourn the old, I suppose.

Thank you for your input. It really has helped. I feel a bit clearer. Flowers

OP posts:
BrazzleDazzleDay · 05/11/2018 21:42

As someone who also has E.T, I'm sure you're aware that alcohol lessens/stops the tremor(rebound tremors are indeed awful). I've came across many folks with it who unfortunately have been sucked into drinking everyday to just feel normal.

On a practical note, you know that it is a progressive condition, he's already 20 years older, are you/your dd going to nurse him? That may be harsh but its the reality.

Cut your losses now I say

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 05/11/2018 21:51

Life is short. This guy could live another ten years, he could live 40 years. These things are not black and white. Some people like a drink. Big deal. If he is a nice bloke and he seems honest and genuine, you really should be just getting on with things rather than judging him on his booze intake.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 05/11/2018 22:21

OP you can still be independent, have a lovely life with DD and date aswell.
Just keep it all low key and don't be in such a rush.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 05/11/2018 22:23

What I mean is don't hang everything on a relationship.
You need a balance, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 22:33

Housework - I know, you are completely right. You just tickled me with your honesty. I actually appreciated it and it made me laugh Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 22:36

I am just going to see how it goes, I think. He keeps telling me he is gutted to not be moving up yet, and that he has been sobbing.

I told him that I too was upset, but he is making it all about his feelings alone. And trying to make me feel sorry for him. Which doesn't really work with me.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 22:40

Sobbing? You’ve only been together a few months. Sounds way too intense.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 22:45

Wolfie - yes we have only been together six months. But we have fallen for each other. It happens. I don't think it's that rare is it?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 22:47

To be uprooting your whole life after a few months? I wouldn’t.

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 22:53

I wouldn't uproot my life after a few months. He seems to be happy to. He was looking to move away anyway and I am in one of the areas he was considering. I am not uprooting my DD. No way. She stays with me, in her home during the week, and will be with her DF on weekends. Her school, friends, family and life is here, so no way would I move her.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 05/11/2018 22:58

It does all sound intense and that in itself is an red flag. I just question if your dd adores him as that is unusual. She is experiencing her parents divorcing, mum has a new man and she is completely fine with it?? Be careful as she could be worrying about you and hopes he makes you happy.

I am shocked a few people have no idea how his level of drinking will cause issues..the liver does not reveal problems until it almost too late, so a collapse caused by internal bleeding is absolutely a possibility..you are right to be concerned but equally you are not responsible for him. As a nurse you may have such an empathic side that those with issues will be drawn to you. Added to the fact you are 20 years younger he must have thought he had won the lottery.

It is likely you don't know him yet. I suspect he wants to get commitment asap just in case you wake up and start to realise an elderly man with a drink problem isn't such a good catch!

Original poster
TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea · 05/11/2018 23:13

LifeBegins - he does think he has won the lottery Grin But then, that feeling was pretty mutual!

I am glad that you can also understand why I am worried about the physical side of drinking. That is really what worries me. I can't and won't try to "fix" him. He has to want to do that. And he does want to.

He has always been a drinker (company director used to wining and dining clients) and he has always adored having a glass of wine with a steak, a grappa after Italian etc. That doesn't bother me at all.

Its the slipping into drinking amounts that he admits he feels uncomfortable with. His "fuck it, why not" approach has meant that he has overindulged. Which he freely admits to.

I am just scared to death that he will cause himself irreparable harm.

Re my DD adoring him......they are very similar in personality types, and she was instantly comfortable with him the first time she met him. She knew he was my friend, that was all, but she just felt really happy and relaxed around him.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 06/11/2018 04:17

Forget your dd for a moment. What about you? You do not want to throw your life away on a guy who is 20 years older than you and drunk half the time. Wake up! This is a recipe for disaster even if you didnt have a dc to think of. You will end up being his nurse before long and your life will be a mess.
Alcoholics are often the nicest people that does not mean you want to live with one.
Stop trying to solve his problems. Look after yourself.

eggncress · 06/11/2018 05:32

You’ve only known him 6 months. He has a history of drinking too much so this wine drinking is not new is it? He can’t cut out the drink suddenly or he’ll get the DTs. That to me says he is an alcoholic. No matter what his blood results say ... they could be completely normal.
Also if he drinks 2 bottles after 8pm and drives the next morning he would be over the limit.
How do you know he doesn’t drink during the week as well?

The sobbing is a bit OTT and a red flag... emotionally controlling . This is only 6 months into your relationship !

I would focus on providing some stability and support to your dd once her dad moves out. Instead you seem very focussed on how your dd will feel if this new guy drops dead.

Sorry but you don’t really know him yet and far too soon to be getting your daughter emotionally involved with him, in my opinion.
Poor kid.. will be so confusing for her !

By all means keep dating him but don’t get your daughter involved with him for now.

TooOldForThis67 · 06/11/2018 10:51

20 years age gap and alcohol concerns, nope, you deserve better. You may not realise it but I think the ending of your marriage has made you focus on this new relationship too much. A distraction. Six months in and he wants to move closer to you is a bit worrying. Keep him at arms length and see if he can control his drinking if you want but better still, take a deep breath, end it and block. Take a step back and think about what you want from future relationships. There is no rush.

Honeybee79 · 06/11/2018 11:00

Not read the entire thread, but he has committed to cutting down so I would give that a chance if this is an otherwise great relationship, esp if he's not drinking the other nights of the week.

thinkingcapon · 06/11/2018 11:04

I would take a step back here. This is moving too fast, esp with such a young daughter involved
Why doesn't he cut down for himself and prove he has done so over the next few months before you jump two feet in here?!

YelenaSabra · 06/11/2018 15:18

If he understands your concerns and wants to change I say give it a go. I'd be weary of being with a big drinker, simply because I'm not one so it would be a compatibility issue for me. That said, a compatibility issue on paper is hard to cave to when you REALLY like someone.

triwarrior · 06/11/2018 15:22

To be honest, it all just seems too quick. You met him in May and he's already met your daughter enough times that she "adores" him, you're sending him for medical tests and he's moving in with you? Why the rush?

triwarrior · 06/11/2018 15:31

I mean this with kindness, but you both seem rather "needy", for a better word. He has been "sobbing" because you don't want him to move closer after just six months - and your husband still lives with you because your "support network" are on holiday? You sound vulnerable, and as though you really could use some time to be independent. It sounds to be like an intensity borne of desperation, almost. I don't mean that to sound unkind, but neither of you come across as being particularly emotionally robust. Perhaps stay dating but slow things down until you are each on more of an even keel?